Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve

Just wanted to make sure all of you take special care of yourselves tonight. I know most of us do not know anyone who has ever been injured or killed on such a night but there are those who don't take care. Who don't value their lives or the lives of others.

I have never lost anyone but this is one of my freaky worries. I don't let my kids drive.. I insist on picking them up.. Always an irksome detail for my oldest but I don't care. For me, one night a year isn't too much to ask. This is one of my presents.. deal with it...

Oh well have a great night and be safe...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

As the Year Draws to an End

I know year end blogs are hokey.. well I have a secret for you all, so am I. But I find this year I must take the time to think about the past 12 months.

They have been, how can I put it best? oh yeah, wild, tumultuous, insane, heartbreaking, exhausting, difficult... the list goes on. As I am pretty sure it shows, it has been hard.

Yet through it all, we have survived, we are together and sometimes (on a good day) we actually like each other.

I have found focus, goals and dreams over the past few months. I have remembered that without the dreams the focus and drive are nothing.. yet too much of the dream can destroy you as well.

I am remembering who I was, yet loving who I am becoming.

I have learned to appreciate the laughter and acknowledge the tears for both are important

I have learned that I have value and the only way we loose it is if we give it away.

I have learned that it is ok to go one's own way.. actually the crime is in not going your way but another's..

So in actuality this year has been a very good one... now if I can just find a home and get the heck out of here..

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Whoo Hoo it's Bowl Season

I love bowl season, I adore bowl season one could almost say I live for bowl season... Not that I think it is an accurate way to claim a National Champion but the games are so much fun. To watch some of the best that college has to offer play the game, they still maintain some of that love of the game.. Some are actually playing because they like it. The rules are more defined and it is just better sport.

I could go on and on about who what where when and why... but so far...

TCU won the poinsettia bowl........ great team, awesome defense and amazing speed

Notre Dame won the Hawaii bowl... now that just plain surprised me Notre Dame has been in what the genteel would call a slump.. those of us of less pristine character would say well.. they suck... I was surprised that they even got into a bowl and that they won? oh well, it just goes to show, I don't know everything.

Fla Atlantic beat Central Michigan in a nail biter in the Motor City bowl.. a good game although having family and friends going through MAC schools I always route for the MAC team.

Tomorrows games prove to be just as fun.. West Virginia? always good for a great game.. Wisconsin against Florida State? oh that should be fun go badgers

and of course Cal against Miami... whoo hoo go BEARS!!!

Sundays game?... oh go Northern of course (another MAC team) and we know folks who will be marching in the band.. I may even know a cheerleader hmmm, I am going to have to find out..

There will be more to come.. and for those of you keeping tabs I am not anti Florida, I am routing for them to win the big one.. go Gators... (but that is for another blog)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

You Can't Make This Up

Merry Christmas to all!! I hope each and everyone of you had a fabulous Christmas Day.. We did!!

Of course it did get off to just a bit of a rocky start. Last night coming home from Christmas Services (having electing to forego midnight Mass) I was rushing from the truck to the front door when I hit a patch of black ice and went flying. Taking out two motorcycles and a small compact (so that part is a fib, but...). After spending about 10 minutes lying on the ice in the freezing cold, I managed to get up and hobble inside. This morning I was sprained and strained and my left hip and thigh is a glorious shade purple!!

BUT WAIT... it gets better... waiting downstairs in the lobby of the building.. knowing my daughter would be home soon, watching the clock.. it is now 1:20 am Midnight Mass is way over.. i call her friends house only to find out that they are there... the mom's truck got stuck in the snow and they were still trying to shovel out. I told them go to bed... (she has her own room there) we would have someone pick her up in the morning...

BUT WAIT... it gets better.. so my sister in law came over and she loves my Christmas fudge. I had given her the ingredients and asked her to pick them up.. so after she stops to get my daughter and having already gone to the store she comes over.. did you know that fudge requires SUGAR??? seems I forgot to ask her to pick that up... sheesh...

giggles and it was still a fabulous day... Hope yours was as well

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Let There be Peace on Earth

and Let it begin with me.....

There you have it my Christmas wish and my New Year's Resolution all tied up neatly in one Christmas song..

As the Holiday approaches and all of my failings are brought forth (in my eyes) all I can think of is how to improve the next year. And I find that the best thing I can do is be a better person, have one more smile available when I don't think there is one, offer one more person a bit of help, listen to one more friend when they need to know someone cares... in short just give a little more of me..

Yes there are times when I feel pulled apart, going in to many directions but in the end I have to think about who I want to be.. and honestly I want to be the one who is there for a friend, who is known for her smile and kind words not the psycho lady who always has to be right (giggles which we all know I am)..

So, I am going to offer what peace I can this year.. I think in the end it is all I have to give.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Sad Day

Last night was a traumatic one, sad to say the laptop died... we will be having a funeral for it soon... feel free to send flowers, heck send a new laptop, I am not proud.. but seriously, until I am able to drag the monster out of storage and get a wireless card for it. I am going to be computer defecient for a while.

I will be able to post my blogs, but my entre card drops are going to go way down... I am still going to visit as many of you as I can but my time on the public computer is limited so I am not sure how many or how often I will be visiting.

So if I don't see you before hand... Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!!! and a Happy New Year.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Something That Caught My Eye

Doing what I lovingly refer to as the 300, I ran across an interesting blog. Yes, I ran across a lot of interesting blogs. I always feel guilty saying just one caught my attention, sorry tangent. Anyway a Spicy Bugz World wrote a really good article on the shoe throwing incident.

She made some excellent points, this man good, bad or indifferent is the president of the United States of America. He represents all of us, for someone to think that it is acceptable to throw shoes at our president is deplorable. No, he shouldn't be drawn and quartered, hanged, or even slapped upside the head. What he should be is ashamed. While we may be going about it wrong, or not.. we gave him a chance at freedom. Take the opportunity and do something with it. Make your world a better place do not throw things at someone who removed total oppression from your life and gave you the chance to throw shoes.

I am an American and damned proud of it. We are a nation of strong individuals who have worked hard to become who and what we are. Every day more and more people rush our borders to have the same chances I have been given. Yes there are other great countries out there. Yes national pride is a good thing but come on.. how come it is ok for others to be proud of their countries but when we do it we are arrogant Americans? Have you ever spoken to someone from say.. Russia.. the motherland... or France?? enough said (says the girl who is of French descent and very proud of her heritage). It is only us, the Americans who receive international scorn for being proud of our country..

We are not a perfect nation but i defy anyone to tell me of one that is better... that gives as much, helps as often, offers a better chance... and yes, I know, I too am gonna get reamed for this.. And honestly, there are some who are going to have to stand up and defend their country.. which they should. But in my opinion this is a great place to live.. (and my life has been hit pretty hard over the past few years) I would rather be poor in America than rich in most other countries.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Award Part Duex

when the simplest thing changes your world...

I honestly can not even begin to explain the joy one simple award brought me, yes I tried but these emotions defy mere words.. In some ways it reminds me watch what you say, you never know how your words may affect someone else. Always try and be pleasant and kind, not because of some desire to show a proud face but because that simple smile or casual hello can change someone's day.

Now part of receiving an award is passing one on.. I have taken my time deciding which ones I wanted to say hey your words touch me.. there are so very many.. but today, I am going to choose two.. sighs.. and believe me this is hard..

a mom on a spin oh my goodness she always makes me laugh and reminds me I am not alone.

On the Verge and thank you for bringing back the joys and insanity of raising four active children

and finally I wanted to thank you all for opening your community and making me feel at home..

Friday, December 19, 2008

It Always Seems That No Matter How Bad...

I have been feeling a bit blue lately for a lot of reasons but the holidays certainly aren't helping. Don't get me wrong I love the holidays, I just hate not being able to be supermom and give the kids a fabulous Christmas.

There are other things going on so life of course gets weirder and weirder but today I received some blog love.. it is amazing what a simple act of kindness can do. Does it change what is going on around me? No, what it does do is make me smile, make me remember that there are those out there who pay attention and face it, it feeds my ego (which never seems to have enough attention).

So I wanted to thank Lola at Lola's Diner for giving me some love. I can not begin to say how much this means to me.. it is my very first award for blogging and for some reason it seems to give me some validation. Yes I really am this big of a nutcase.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Christmas and How Prepared am I?

So I looked at the calendar today and noticed the date.. wow where did the year go? Christmas is a mere week away and i have done nothing.

Every year I promise myself that I am going to take time throughout the year and purchase what is needed or wanted for Christmas and every year I fail. For two reasons, first because I get so darned excited that when I can purchase a gift I give it to them right away and secondly from September through January I am broke. Every year no matter what it seems the second half of the year kills me. I am not sure why and really it doesn't matter because there you have it.

This year will be especially hard, with the astronomical rates I have paid to live in the luxury we are living in, I have been unable to even come up with basic Christmas money. Of course having teenagers basic Christmas is not quite what having toddlers means. I remember one year giving my youngest a notepad and colored pencils and she thought she had it made.. now she wants an ipod and tickets to Wicked..

Oh well life goes on and we will be together.. we will have something to be grateful for and we will be healthy.. so all in all Christmas will be pretty darn good.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Twelve Days After Christmas

This is one of my absolute favorite spoofs.. and somehow no one ever seems to know it. Enjoy

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight.
And so I chopped the pear tree down and burned it just for spite.
Then, with a single cartridge, I shot that blasted partridge,
That my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks of both the turtle doves,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup;
I had to use the three French hens to make some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obsence .
The five gold rings were completely fake
And they turned my fingers gree.

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay:
I gave the whole darn gaggle to the ASPCA.

On the seventh day what a mess I found:
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect,
I bundled up the . . .
Eight maids a-milking,
Nine pipers piping,
Ten ladies dancing,
'Leven lords a-leaping,
Twelve drummers drumming
(spoken) Well, actually I kept one of the drummers(girls)
Well, actually I kept one of the maids a-milking(boys)

And sent them back collect.
I wrote my true love, "We are through, love"
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the birds!"
(echo of "four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree."

You Don't Own Me

So tonight as I lay awake not sleeping, The First Wives Club came on on USA. It is a funny, quirky and interesting movie. But the underlying message is so powerful that we need to remind ourselves of it on a regular basis.

Three women of middling years, are brought back together by the suicide of a mutual friend, once together they discover that their lives while looking good from the outside are pretty horrid in actuality. All of their problems seem to stem from bad marriages and husbands that are leaving them for younger women. Except as the movie goes on they find that yes the men are pretty rotten but their lives suck because they lost themselves.

As women, we do this. Probably from childhood. There are some, such as myself who are people pleasers, I truly want to make people happy. I tend to bend over way too far to accomplish this. When I choose to accept someone into my life I offer them pieces of me in doing this I give them power over me. The power to even control my feelings it would seem. During my childhood I was always told I was too sensitive. So I learned to contain those feelings, to hide them. To make sure no one really knew what was going on. It didnt help obviously, while I learned to smile at just about anything, to face life head on and take it as it came. What I never learned to do was accept myself.

I learned to give pieces of me away, others owned me.... My feelings were no longer mine because if shared they were mocked. So I hid and hurt for years. When I would share this with the handful of people that I trusted I would hear "Oh, you shouldn't give them so much power over you" or "you are just too sensitive". Well first off, if I could stop being the way I am of course I would not give them the power over me and secondly.... see number one. I am a sensitive woman there is no crime in that. I don't ask that you become suddenly sensitve, I ask that you just let me be. sheesh, rock hard emotions are not all that great of an accomplishment. Actually I feel it is a failing and because you lack something the only way to make yourself feel better is to mock those who feel.

It took me years and years to realize that the failing wasnt in me. That I was made the way I am and that those that had issues with my sensitivity had the problem. It took years and years for me to say hey, this is me deal or leave. I left home, where I was loved (baffeled, bemused and confused them all but they loved me) and yet even there I was told to not feel. To not care to not be so sensitive, eventually I entered into a marriage where it was worse. Here I was not loved so while I heard those same words they were abusive and controlling. I was not good enough because I was different.

Finally one day I looked up and realized.... You don't own me... not my family, whom I adore, not my husband, who I showed the door, not the world around me. I am a complex and unique individual. Yes I will always attempt to please those around me but you pushed me out and made me find my feet now you can't say how I do things. Yes I will always feel deeply, never again will I hold those back to make someone else happy. If you want to get to know me, then here I am. No fuss no frills.. but seriously You Don't Own Me.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Why I Blog

I was doing the entrecard blog drop thing today and I noticed an interesting blog. Ok to all the rest of you, I noticed lots of interesting blogs but today I am going to write about this one. Or my variation of it.

Why I Blog.

1. I blog because it is a great way for me to express myself. A place where the words that hide inside me manage to escape. They wrap around me and twist and turn with no where to go finally I have found an outlet and yes an audience. I love that there are those who have chosen to follow this blog who seem to think maybe just maybe I may have something to say.

2. I blog because it offers me a way to vent stress. When life is about to explode I can come here and just type. Whatever, rarely about what is causing me stress but still the randomness of just blogging helps the steam escape.

3. I don't blog for money, I admit at first I was excited I was earning money from adsense and it was a high but then adsense decided that I was a threat to their advertisers and pulled me. Now that was a farce, me a single mom of four children with limited means a threat to their advertisers. Oh well...

4. I don't blog for fame, although that would be cool. Can you imagine being one of those that is found so interesting that it snowballs into fame and fortune?? ok it is a fantasy but still I admit it would be cool. Even if it is not why I blog.

5. I blog for self expression and yet I fail to post my poems and stories so guess what folks... you are soon going to be inundated with them. Self expression what a concept..

6. I blog for the sense of community, I am one of those who thrives off the energy of others and this community of bloggers is pretty amazing. I appreciate the effort and time put in by so many and I have learned so many new things. Some of the arts and crafts blogs astound, the travel blogs make me yearn, the parenting blogs make me laugh, cry or pull my hair out.

Honestly this journey is a fascinating one and I find I get so much out of blogging then just putting the words to paper.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Trip To The Past

I have a rather interesting family full of great stories and a fun past. I can go person by person and tell something interesting about each and every one of them back as far as I know. It makes me think sometimes why is it that our family is so much more interesting than others? Well the truth is, we aren't. It is just that sometimes we still tell the stories. Dream the dreams...

I honestly believe that with the advent of Movies and TV we lost something. Now do not get me wrong, I love both of these things but we lost our family story tellers. We lost interest in what went on before in our own families. Everyone of us has a great past, a unique and full tapestry that we are part of. Yet we don't tell the stories, we don't pass them on and we rarely write them down. And then they are lost. This brings me great pain. In my family we have lost two entire generations that were filled with amazing stories and the next is going soon (well i hope not too soon). My point is if I can't get someone to write down these stories, record them then they too will be lost.

Yes I know that someone could be me but I don't reach all of them anymore... I have limited contact with many. So others of my generation need to help out please. Honestly I would love to have a book of family legends.. That would be so amazing. Detail all those fabulous and wonderful stories that we have heard all of our lives.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


What happens when one party is given control of the entire system? chaos! it happened when the republicans gained total and complete control of congress in 2004 but in another sense and in some ways much worse ways it happened when the democrats gained control of the Governership and Congress of the state of Illinois. Unfortunately we as Americans have refused to comprehend one simple fact we need balance. We need elected officials who believe in serving the people of this country not themselves and are willing to work with others who disagree on not the service but the way the service is to be acted out.

The greed and avarice of our elected officials shames me and should shame every single person in this country old enough to vote. The current events happening here in Illinois is a classic example Governor
Blagojevich has been under investigation for three years and his behavior was questionable before that. and what do we the proud citizens of Illinois do? We vote him in to a second term. The man has questionable ethics and because he is a position of power and the senate and congress both hold a majority of Democrats his behavior has been accepted, considered perfectly fine. This is no different than what happened in our nations capital, yes it was the the Republicans that time but really.. one must think of Machevilli at times like this, power corrupts absolute power corrupts absolutely.

We have a system of checks and balances for a reason, to ignore this fact and let ourselves be steamrolled is a crime. One we perpetuate upon ourselves stand up all vote.. and now that the time for voting is over start writing letters.. we have the interent we don't even have to pay for a stamp anymore. Let your elected officials know where you stand, what their job is and make sure they know that your vote is on the line. If enough of us make the statement, if enough of us say enough.. then maybe they will get the picture. There is no excuse for this behavior and We, the People could have avoided it. Time to roll up your sleeves and start making demands..

I know I have them.. look out I will be watching you.. each and every one of you owes your job to me.. and I am going to be paying attention. Both here in Illinois and in the Nationaly forum. Initially I thought of listing my direct reps but then I realized that the speaker of the House is responsible to me, the senate Whip.. all of them not just those who I have the power to vote for. But beware those specail few will be getting my extra attention. Watch for my letters be ready to answer my questions, I am your worst nightmare a concerned citizen who believes in the power of the Constitution.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I Just Love Football

I love football, especially college football. Each weekend I try and watch as many games as possible, I enjoy trying to figure out who will go to the bowl games (although my heart always remains with USC) which teams will vie for the national championship and which one will actually win. This year has been especially fun the wonkiness of the big 12 their means of deciding which team is their best. The fact that the Pac 10 shoots itself in the foot every year and allows SC to dominate year after year after year...

Some years the choice of who goes to the national game is just wrong, others well it is laughable, this year?? well they may have actually gotten it right.. I know I plan on enjoying the game immensely. And the Rose Bowl should be equally exciting and I am thrilled that it is Ohio State playing in either opportunity. I am a bit irked that they made it to the fiesta bowl and figure that game should be a snoozer, watching the Longhorns destroy them. Oh yeah did I mention I cant stand The Ohio State football team?

As the regular season of college football winds down I can only say.. I am thrilled at least that there is basketball still going on. Already on pins and needles for the final four.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The It's About Me'ers

Have you ever looked around you and discovered how many people there are in your life that are actually bringing you down? The ones who claim to care and yet everything you do, they do, the world does is about them?

You plan a surprise party for them they somehow make you feel guilty for doing so then years later make you feel guilty for not doing so. The ones who watch you clean an entire car, apt, whatever for someone wait till you are almost done then come along and say well you should have done it this way. The ones who say no one ever listens to me, and when you are trying to help them to pay attention they tell you to shut up it isn't about you?

It doesn't matter what you do or where you are or even what your intentions are all that matters is it is about them. I have a few of these peo
ple in my life I am not going to name names and make accusations because it's not about them. It is about how I have learned to handle them. Most of these people are individuals that I care for deeply which is why it is difficult to totally ignore them. What I have learned is that they will never see what they are doing only where you are failing. It becomes your responsibility to decide what your goals are what you want to do, even for them and to go out and do it.

As a trained and incredibly good customer service representative I have made my living over the years helping people solve their problems to their satisfaction one of the tools I have learned is the repeat.. yes I can see where that may upset you.. It is a great listening tool and better yet it is a wonderful coping mechanism. In a way it all becomes a game, can I get off the phone with this person with them happy, me happy and the problem somewhat resolved. Now if one uses this tool with evil intent it will still work but it won't bring you peace and for me that is the goal. I don't care if the people I love have to make everything around them about them what I care about is how I can run my life parallel with theirs.

I try I really do to live my life by that adage do you want to be right or do you want to be happy..but somewhere along the line I have realized darnit being right makes me happy... but seriously with some people I will never be right and with some people it will never be about me. So I choose to love the ones near to me anyway, accept them for who they are. Tolerate the ones I must and honestly walk away from the ones who are just taking up air space. Not with malice but hey this time it's about me.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Tired of Being Ugly

Somewhere along the line I stopped caring what I looked like. Now I am a reasonably attractive individaul. I am not super model beautiful but my face doesn't stop a clock either.. I have always dealt with the weight issues, some of the issues were manufactured and unreasonable, growing up in Southern California where a 21" waist was considered fat because I had hips. But a lot of my issues are accurate.

Now self image played a huge part, I thought I was fat so I became fat. And then there is the age old excuse it is my mother's fault who cares that I have been on my own for almost 30 years and I never had a major weight issue until after I did so. I can blame part of it on a bad marriage and depression but seriously what it comes down to is I stopped caring what I looked like. This week I pretty much decided that, that attitude just completely sucks.

Steps I am going to take to make changes, well for starters I am fat does that mean I have to be dumpy? No, so starting in the morning it is up to walk, then shower make up and hair. Not a major effort but one that makes an attitude adjustment. I have an extremely slow metabolism so the best way for me to loose weight is diet and exercise and yes the diet means eating.. not abstaining. So tomorrow after I walk, it will be a small breakfast to get the metabolism going..

I want to loose 130 lbs, but for next week I will be happy if I loose 5 (ok so i want to loose 20 but how realistic is that- I am going to be ecstatic with 5). Tomorrow I am going to take the before picture, I am going to post it here.. and you all get to loose the weight with me.

I figure the accountability will help but not just that if I take the steps to make a change in my life I will just feel better about me. Then I am gonna like me more, then I am just going to be a nicer person because I am happy and then my world will most probably settle back into it's proper orbit.

In the end it is not about loosing the weight which I wan to do but rather about taking charge and making a difference first in my life then we shall see where I go from there.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Just Because I Love This

As a child we watched what we loving referred to as the ping pong movie at least once a year. We had no clue that it was an academy award winning short documentary. We just loved it. Every now and then I enjoy thinking of it I would buy it if I could find the entire movie. What I can find is this clip on Youtube, enjoy

Monday, December 1, 2008

Watching the Cabinet Grow

This morning I sat and watched the press conference that President Elect Obama held on the members of his nominated cabinet. It is an amazing thing to watch the beginning of a new hope. Now don't get me wrong, I do not know if I agree with the way things are going to go. I do not know if I agree with what is going to happen but for some reason this transition has really gotten my attention.

I have been involved with the election process for almost 30 years having voted for the first time in 1980 and really never since that first election have I been this interested. It is an exciting time maybe just from an intellectual point of view but life as we know it is going to change. How? We don't know yet how the world will turn and that is exciting is it not?

One of the things that really cracks me up is the assumption that there will not be anything for late night to make fun of. Sheesh.. of course there will. Last I checked the Obamas, the Bidens and the rest of the staff are human and will make human mistakes and we will laugh. I am sure once his term is up and running we will find things that he does that we loathe. How can we not? We are a nation of individuals and for him to please all of us would be an impossibility. The mere fact that we are so desperate for our leaders to be better. To offer leadership with integrity that we accept him with such hope says so much for us. I hope we haven't set the man up for more than he can do. I hope with all our talk of his greatness that we don't forget that one man didn't get us where we are (and don't even think that just President Bush is to blame) and one man can not get us out.

But for now I will enjoy the new growth, thinking of the rose in winter life goes on and the ability to survive is astounding

Saturday, November 29, 2008


Today I saw the end of a relationship, these were two of my dearest friends and it has been horrible to watch. They have pushed and pulled and struggled harder than any two people I know to make it work.

But they were probably the least compatible two people I have ever met. They were great friends, a dynamic duo but when they put it all on the line committed to each other they crashed. And as with all crashes their was collateral damage, I am sure I am going to loose one if not both of them as friends. I will offer them what support I can but in the end I was part of their family and this part they can prune.

When in conversation with her she said she was through, no more and although I saw her pain, saw her anger I can't agree. I hope honestly and completely that she can one day look up and say yes I am ready to try again. To give my heart oh not anytime soon, that would be a joke. But I want her to see that love is something that we all should strive for, that we all should accept as our due. Oh we may never find it or not completely but to turn one's back on it? To say never again? That is condemning oneself to hell on earth.

For all the failures of my marriage and there were many to have never tried at all? What a loss that would have been. To say I will never love again? No, that is not likely. Not even in the darkest days did I say never again. I believe that we as humans need to love. We seek it out, we dream of the what if's and happily ever afters.. Oh love is not easy it is work, darned hard work but it is worth it. To be able to have that one person who holds you in the night, who keeps the demons away to even have that chance that whisper of hope? Yes it is all worth it.

To risk it all and loose has is so much better than than to never risk it at all.

Friday, November 28, 2008

So We Broke Tradition

Tragically enough we didn't go to the movies yesterday.. we did go out to dinner well four of us, JR stayed home personally I think he liked the solitude.

After a wonderful dinner where we talked and didn't fight.. called grandma and accused her of having mad cow disease. We strolled over to Wal Mart and bought 5 movies.. plenty to keep all occupied for a while. I of course bought a book, the new Nora Roberts one..

I love to read.. of course I always hide my book choices cuz I still get grief from certain members of my family because I am wasting my brain.. sheesh.. oh well please no one tell Sherrilyn Kenyon, Nora Roberts, Julie Garwood, Nalini Singh, and an entire host of others..

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

i started to write a list of all the things i am thankful for and all that appeared was a list of names.. because so many people do not want their names bandied about the internet I took them down..

What I can say.. is if you are my family you are on it.. if you have played a part in helping me to become a better person you are on it.. if you have played a part in making my life just a little bit better you are on it.. if you have challenged me and made me rethink my attitude you are on it.. if you were nice to my children you are on it.. if you were mean to my children because they needed you to be you were on it..

Thank You one and all.... I am truly blessed

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

New Glassses are on the Way

I guess this week has become take care of Shauni week. Monday I got my new mouthpiece, whoo hoo that was great.. Tuesday I decided that yes the silver tones of my hair is very pretty but at 46 I am just too young to have it, so I died my hair red.. not sure I like the tint but it will grow out and I can find one I like better. Actually have two in mind alreay. and tomorrow I am going to order my new glasses.

I am sad to say that my old ones are sadly lacking, not only are they being held together by electrical tape, scratched and crooked, they don't work. I have to squint to read what the letters say when I am wearing them.. I can't read the street signs oh I can still see them, I can see that there are letters on them but I can't see what they say.. that is while wearing them.

We have a place here in Chicagoland called four eyes.. two pairs of glasses plus an eye exam for under 100 bucks.. oh I am not going to get my bifocals (I take my glasses off to read anyway) and I am going to skip the transitional glasses (they don't work in the car one of the biggest places I need sunglasses). So I will be able to get the cheapest pricing available.. whoo hoo I will be able to SEE the screen when I go to the movies..

Wonder what wonderful take care of Shauni plans are in store for the rest of the week?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I Have TMJ

Yes I have TMJ, and no I can never remember what it stands for and yes I know almost every other woman on the face of the earth has it.

I have had it severely since I was 15 years old. I got a migraine one day and it didn't go away for 10 years. Back then, when we pointed out to the dentist that my jaw popped he said, yep it does.. don't chew so much gum. So I gave up gum. I have had 2 pieces of gum since I was 15 and believe me both of those pieces were better than.....

When the onset of the migraines, my parents had me tested, blood sugar yes I am hyperglycemic, eeg (is that the brain one?) all those little pinny things poking me.. nothing wrong there.. well I am nuts.. but that wasn't causing the migraine. So I dealt, had a pretty normal life, played sports, dated, sang in choirs, all of those things that normal people did, I just did it with a migraine.

In my late teens I was told that complete restructive jaw surgery would stop the popping in my jaw and the pain there. Now my family doesn't quite go for that, so that never happened.. and of course still no correlation between the jaw and the migraine.

At 25, I went to a dentist, who pointed out that my jaw popped.. well duh.. but he had a friend... and that man.. gave me a plastic mouth piece.. the next day.. my migraine was gone and my jaw had stopped popping!! WOW!! what can I say, this was a miracle, we went through 6 more months of treating the symptoms, one can not cure the problem and I was set..

Over the years I lost my mouth piece and never replaced it, the Migraines came back but never stayed so I didn't put it down to that and the popping never did. But I started having constant tenseness in my shoulders, bordering on pain. I dealt, it is what I do.. Yesterday I was in Wal Mart and bought one of those night guards.. fitted it to my teeth and jaw and guess what? yep the tenseness is gone.

I do hope if this happens again, I do not wait another 10 years to fix the obvious

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Yes, I admit it, I too am a Twilight fan. It can't be helped Stephanie Meyers wrote a really good book. It draws you in with the promise of illicit love and impossible dreams. Of course originally it was directed towards the teenage girl crowd but as with all really good books it crossed barriers, moms read it, dads read it, boyfriends read it (well if they are smart the do) and so on and so forth.

Last night I went to the movie, it was excellent. They managed to stay true to the theme of the book without too much artistic license. Edward and Bella were sufficiently angst ridden, the Cullen's were appropriately sexy and compelling and the rest of the high school kids were perfectly normal which made them so stand out. I was impressed with so very much and only had a few moments where the characters just didn't quite work for me but I am sure by 2013 I will think they were perfectly cast.

Who I did adore though, was Jacob what a perfectly beautiful young man, girls forget Edward this boy is gonna only get yummier with age and I promise that is the last comment I will make on that subject.

In short, I do recommend that you go see the film, it tells a beautiful story and manages to cross generational and gender divides both.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Life's Miracles

No, I am not back on the internet.. I do though have limited use of one in the downstairs lobby of the hotel. Not the best of circumstances but at least it provides an alternative to nothing.

A long time ago when I was the golden girl and my life was full of promise; I was considered the best of friends, the one people went to when they needed a shoulder to lean on, advice, or whatever.. then life hit and it hit hard. Over the past 11+ years of single parenthood I have struggled to put food on the table a roof over their heads and clothing on their backs. For years school clothes and school supplies were sent by my mom and Christmas? well it often happened because there is a Santa Claus, not because I had the wherewith all to provide a good one. And of course the ever ongoing struggle for money.. if you listen to their father he is the reason all good things have happened and if left up to me entirely we would be on the street. Of course this confuses me since I am here every single friggen day.. trying to give them whatever I can and his contribution? Child support and the occasional grand gesture.

But that is for another day, what I honestly want to talk about is the ongoing struggle that is seriously part of my life and yes many of it is from bad choices. I am not one to put the blame on another's shoulder just because it makes me look better. As hard as it has been, amazingly enough there have been some pretty awesome miracles along the way. Just tonight one was handed to me. Now I don't deserve such graciousness but not being an idiot I am not going to complain. For some reason even in my stupidity God smiles on me and sends me angels of grace and blessings. Just think how wonderful a tribute to Him I would be if I actually listened occasionally.

What I did want to say, is that when you are down and you wonder why those miracles never happen to you.. look around are the bills paid? Do you still have a job? healthy children? a roof over your head? Believe me the miracles are coming every day in teeny tiny little ways. Appreciate them and say a prayer in thanks for me. Remember we don't deserve our miracles we just get lucky

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Loosing the Computer

The computer has been sick lately and is off to the 'puter doctor (ok phil) to be repaired.. sadly this means I will be unable to post. Now most of you will be way less devastated by this info than I am.. Me it seems like my world is ending, crashing.. all contact with the outside world a bust.. sheesh what did I do before I wrote blogs..

Anyway all have a great weekend, go see Twilight we will be.. and take just a few moments to enjoy life's little miracles

They are many and we almost always miss them

Should We Bail??

Having been watching the news recently, and seeing what is actually legitimate news I have been forced to think. Who else is going to expect us to bail them out? What other industry is going to flounder and fall? First the Financial industry, now the automobile and I heard that American Express has their hand out too.

When will it stop? When will these bastions of creed and incompetence stop and say hey we screwed up and we need to get serious? Why is it my fault that the Automobile industry steadfastly refused to see the writing on the wall? Refusing for an entire generation now to consider the need for serious alternative fuel cars? This has been in question since I was in high school (the 70's) and probably long before that when we the consumer were clueless. Not only is fossil fuel bad for the economy face it.. we dont own the majority of it. Then while they fed off the sense of false security in Americans they gleefully pocketed buckets full of personal profit. Few of them had pride in their craft, American cars were scoffed at? Buy American? not if you wanted good gas mileage or a quality car. Now they are off to Washington whining for money.. and they go in private jets? hello have we never heard of commercial airlines? Common sense seems to fly out the window and they want us, the taxpayer to bail them out? I hope our Congress serves us well and refuses this. In the long run will another bailout actually help anything?

As a single mom who has struggled to raise her kids on her own for 11 long years.. I find I resent the greed that runs rampant in the leaders of our Corporate world

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Another Interview I dont Want to be Bothered With

When did we become a nation of Jerry Springer addicts? and the sad part is, it's not Springer we are watching but the every day mainstream news. I get it when we elect an official we expect certain behavior from them ok we expect horrid spoilt childlike behavior but we dream of Representatives that serve us with honor.

Governor Spitzer made quite a few stupid and well illegal mistakes, I can live with that.. well I don't like it but I can live with it. Of course He isn't going to be prosecuted but once again unfortunately such is life. The thing that irks me, well that irks me but entirely different rant, why is it that the prostitute who did the deed with him is now getting an interview on 20/20 and what one can only imagine a cushy check to go along with it. Lets see, attention and cash? seems to me this could be considered free advertising.

I am just so sick of the morally bankrupt getting attention and accolades really what do they have to offer society? Ok, lets say they provide a service and leave it at that.. but to get the big bucks for it? When did we decide we wanted to see this, when did 20/20 once a bastion of the interesting tv magazine sinks to the level of inside edition or Jerry Springer. I thought we wanted to rise to the occasion not sink to the bottom.

I guess I just dont get it, call me helplessly naive but I wont be watching that particular interview.. I think I would prefer the Starter Wife at least that doesnt claim to be anything more than what it is.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Pregnant Man

Is it just me or does this bother anyone else? Now not the fact that a couple was able to create life and love a child. I understand that so many people want to have children and will persevere any way they can. And their odds of becoming good parents are pretty much the same as everyone else's.. You do your best and pray that you get something right.. or at the very worst they don't end up totally hating you.

No what bothers me is the entire pregnant man.. thing that the media is going ga ga over.. this is a woman who became transgendered and did not have all of her parts removed.. good thing as it turns out.. but she has female parts.. in all actuality it is a woman having a child. Oh I know she chooses to live life as a man.. well maybe to her in her inner self there was no choice.. I understand this, I accept this. But I wish the news would shut up about it, that Barbara Walters gave it more than a minutes notices totally surprises me. There are so many interesting and world changing events going on today..

Why are you cramming this drivel down our throats. This is no medical miracle, women have been transgendered before.. and women have had babies before. shoot I had four.. I get it, they are getting paid and paid well so why not sell their story but come on is this what we as a nation have sunk to? Is this really what we find fascinating?

I am a big believer in live and let live.. but please quit cramming all this crap down my throat.. I don't force feed mine down yours.. of course if Barbara wants an interview I am open and available. Hey I too could use my 15 minutes of fame.

So this Weekend We Watched Movies

For some reason TBS decided to show a weekend full of family featured movies.. We went from The Wizard of Oz, to Hook, to Yours Mine and Ours, to Goonies.. it was a fun time..

What I love is the movie Hook, I know it was supposed to be a bomb but really the statement it makes on parenting is fabulous. There are so many little things that get lost in there.. tonight I noticed the line that Maura said about how we only have a few years of our children's lives when they want us to come to their activities.. then the rest of the time we seem to be chasing them.. demanding they communicate.

I guess I sorta got lucky, for the most part they still allow me in their lives.. some more than others but enough that I feel that I am part of the daily lives of a bunch of beasties..

So today, I guess I did good

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Those in Need

This morning I spent a few hours at the local food pantry, the lines were long and the stores were few.. it was a sad moment to see, in our down the local food pantry is a well supported scout troops, church groups even the local high school support it, raise funds and go on food drives. i know the local businesses give as much as they can. it is a well respected and well run facility.. and yet with the onset of winter and these trying times. it is suffering.

The lines are winding, the doors to our pantry are only open between 9-11on Sat and Wed mornings and yet today for the first time that I have ever seen, they had to turn people away. They just didn't have the food. It almost made me cry... and I know it had to have broke the hearts of those individuals who work that pantry week in and week out.. year after year. Good hearts, pure hearts who just want to make a difference.

So I am asking, this week when you are out grocery shopping buy an extra bag or two of non perishables. Canned goods, shampoo, diapers, pancake mix, cereal, hey cookies and treats.. it doesn't matter.. if every one did that and dropped it off at their local food pantry think how many more people they could help and if they did it every week.. wow that would be amazing.. If you don't have the time to do the shopping or just are unsure of what to buy... drop off a few dollars, if those same people all stopped by with a 20.. once again think how far that would stretch.

I know we are all biting the bullet, tightening our belts.. life is tough right now, but if we give and we give just a little more than we can afford in the end our hearts will be lighter our souls will shine just a bit brighter and if we make it a habit.. we can actually become better people.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I Love Words

I absolutely adore words.. the way they sound the way they trip across your tongue. they dance and flow.. skip their way through your life. To me the sheer joy of wrapping my tongue around a good word is astounding. There are times when I will use a word and just stop and pause.. liking the way it feels. I warned you all I was odd..

Anyway today I decided to post of few of my favorite words.. please feel free to add one of your own.

1. Plethora:

1: a bodily condition characterized by an excess of blood and marked by turgescence and a florid complexion2: excess , superfluity ; also : profusion , abundance
ple·tho·ric plethoric" title=" Listen to the pronunciation of plethoric"> \plə-ˈthȯr-ik, ple-, -ˈthär-; ˈple-thə-rik\ adjective

2. Condundrum:

1: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun2 a: a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b: an intricate and difficult problem

3. Maelstrom:

1 : a powerful often violent whirlpool sucking in objects within a given radius 2 : something resembling a maelstrom in turbulence

4. Brouhaha:

: hubbub , uproar

5. Circumspect:
: careful to consider all circumstances and possible consequences : prudent

6. Palpalple:
1 :
capable of being touched or felt : tangible
*2 :
obvious, plain

7. Facetious:
*1 :
joking or jesting often inappropriately : waggish
2 :
meant to be humorous or funny : not serious

8. Muckrake: :
to search out and publicly expose real or apparent misconduct of a prominent individual or business

9. Pantheon:
1 :
a temple dedicated to all the gods; also : the gods of a people
*2 :
a group of illustrious persons

10. Shunpike:
: a side road used to avoid the toll on or the speed and traffic of a superhighway

thanks to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary for the accurate definitions..

Like I said.. please leave a word..

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Getting Back on Level Ground

So I have been on an emotional rollercoaster of late. Between the natural sensitivity that I was born with, which believe me is a lot, and the hormones that seem to be constantly careening throughout my body (I refuse to admit that I am pre-meni but I am) and the basic foibles of life.. the roller coaster has gone haywire.

But I am forced to remember the scene from Parenthood, with Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen where Grandma tells them how she loved the roller coaster.. how some people liked the merry go round how the stability of it's constant up and down. How they preferred it but her.. she loved the roller coaster. With it's twists and turns, careening about being thrown hither and yon.

And it made me think, is life really that bad? I have a roof over my head granted it is not the picket fence world I envisioned, I have healthy happy children.. they are strong independent individuals, the very reason they drive me nuts is because they are strong individuals. They are bright, smart and articulate and they love me.. sometimes they even respect me.. and on that rare occasion when life is perfect they like me (hey they are teenagers.. what more can I ask for?). I am healthy, I am loved and I am strong.. in the end I am lucky.

So on that note.. I trudge on recovering my balance and seeing the world as it is best viewed.. with laughter.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

So Life Never Ever Does Run Smooth

I haven't quite figured out why yet but for some reason googleads have decided that my blog is a threat to their advertisers. Now I have always considered myself a source to be reckoned with.. one to fear, one to hide in trepidation when I stroll into the room. But no one ever has agreed with me. Actually I can already see my friends and family laughing as they read this.

But google in all it's infinite wisdom has decided that I am a threat.. still can't even remotely figure that out. Unless there is too much depressing blogs being written recently. So for the moment, I do not have any ads, oh I will once I am off the most dangerous list.

Until then.. oh well

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Thank You

I know it is late, I have just been running a bit behind today. But late or not it needs to be said.

Thank You

John Jenson
Bill Steenburgen
Clifford Lile
Harvey Lemming
Lou Branch
King Labau
Jerry Stich
Joesph Busch
John Lill
Fred Mohr
Michael Lill
David Lill
John C Lill
Philip Judy
Al Henry
Tim Gillum

I know there are many more.. but these are the veterans who have touched my life.. so I thank them

Monday, November 10, 2008

Shauni's Blog Rules

I have to admit I am probably one of the quirkiest people I know. When I started writing blogs I created a list of rules and basically have followed them. Well except for one minor transgression I have remained pretty true to them. Today I was asked why and how I could write such depressing blogs and leave them posted when I was done. I thought long and hard about how to answer that and basically it goes back to my rules.. and I am a stern taskmaster.

So I decided to share Shauni's blog rules...

1. a blog is written from the heart at the computer.. pictures may be posted but words must come from the heart write then. An occasional pre written poem is allowed but in general even those must be written while at the computer.. off the cuff so to speak

2. any comments (and please I am ever needy and LOVE comments) must be respected and never removed

3. a blog once written no matter how depressing, intimate or embarrasing remains.. you wrote it for a reason.. keep it there

4. a blog a day is the goal.. but because that can be difficult use the occasional picture

5. book and movie reviews will eventually be part of the repertoire

6. there is no such thing as too much emotion, share of yourself.. don't hide them just because someone may be offended.

there may be more but these are rules set in stone.. not mere guidelines you can all picture me sitting her with some evil whip master standing at my back ready to flog me for failing in the rules.. as I said, I am an odd duck

The Throw Away Girl

I have often wondered what it would be like to not have been the throw away girl. I wonder what it would be like to be the one that was fought for, not the also ran. The one who didn't have to spend every single moment of her life proving she was worth the effort.

I wonder what it would be like to know that your family doesn't snicker when they say your name. Or shake their head in worry that they were proud of who you were and what you believed in.

I wonder what it would be like to be the one that was taken out and showed off instead of the one who was tolerated. I wonder what it would be like to have someone be there with you when your demons called, maybe even occasionally fighting them for you instead of pushing you out the door with a positive thought and little else.

I wonder what it would be like to be loved so deeply that your faults were overlooked instead of constantly being pointed out.

Just once I wonder what it would be like, to be the one that is valued, prized, respected.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

I Just Love The Amazing Race

I can't help it I am totally adicted to the Amazing Race. I can not believe that when this show first came on I ignored it. Stuck up my nose, refused to fall for the reality show drivel. No I wanted to see people ACT!! I didn't want to see people humiliate themselves for their 15 minutes of fame. But one day my youngest came home, they had to watch the show, it was a geography assignment..

One show that is all it took!! I don't think I have missed an episode since. I was able to go back and watch all the reruns on the game show network.. yes I am that far gone. It is not just the show or the game or the relationships, although there are some fun dynamics there. Watching them interact as teams and with the other teams.

But the absolute best part.. is all of the places they go.. I want to go there, I want to see it.. I want to taste it.. They went go to the ends of the earth, they see the world.. my personal favorite was the one in Russia.. they stepped inside a church and one of the team members said lets just stop a moment and absorb this. I loved that..

Of course I don't just want to go on the show for the places they go although they are wondrous, I want to win prizes, I want to win a million bucks.. shoot I want to be kicked off and have to spend a month at a luxury location in seclusion. It all just sounds great to me.

Oh well, since I won't get to be on the show, I will get to enjoy it.. I want Dallas and his mom to win. Go figure

Saturday, November 8, 2008

On Honest Heart

After my last two posts I was having trouble thinking of what I should write. Should I continue with what is going on? Keep those who showed concern up to date? Should I ignore what was going on and continue to write about everything but the elephant under the carpet? And then I read my comments, it is interesting what comes to mind when one reads the words of others.

I wrote in my blog that I was unworthy of such a miracle, and I am but in that vein aren't we all? We do not become worthy of God's grace, no we are blessed to receive it. It is a gift handed to us by God, not ours to deny nor to argue with. What we must do is accept it with grace, dignity and gratitude. I had forgotten that.

I often feel less worthy than others, that also is an interesting concept.. how does one become less worthy? If one is less worthy does that not mean then that others are more worthy? And are they? really? are we not all imperfect beings doing our best to live to our convictions.. follow our God or beliefs and struggle through the day to day? Then how could I be less worthy? Or if my humble heart went that way.. more worthy? The answer of course is that I can't none of us can. At best we can sit here astounded that God deemed any of us worthy at all.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I so often forget what has been given to me.. and more often than not need a kick in the pants to remind me.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Mircles are truly an Amazing Thing

As I stated in my earlier blog, I was sure today was to be my last with a roof over my head. Oh I knew I would survive and that eventually it would work out.. But today the miracles abound.

Obviously I received enough funds to make it through.. a gift from an unexpected source.

Then another friend mentioned the possibility of maybe knowing of a house I can move to

And Finally, an opportunity for a job from a parent of one of my son's friends..

God does work in mysterious ways.. and honestly I have been blessed.. and I am not sure why, it certainly isn't because I deserve it or earned it.


Each day is a perpetual challenge.. today I am running a gauntlet and may or may not survive the challenge. Oh of course I will live that is not an issue but rather life gets tough, decisions are being made for me and I may stumble a bit.

See do to some crazy bad choices we live in a hotel room.. long story. Finances have been stretched to the limit of imagination and today.. well today they may cease to exist. It seems I live in constant fear a sword of Damocles constantly over my head.

To explain the knot of apprehension that floats within is impossible, words really can't even begin to describe my fear.. I rarely admit to either failure or mind numbing fear. For two reasons.. One, life goes on if we allow fear to paralyze us then nothing gets accomplished. We give too much power to the negative emotions that surround us and hope gets lost in the process. And failure.. well in the end if one survives one wins. So I go on, day by day.. step by step. But today fear is winning just a tad.

Be with me if you will, offer out your prayers, your energy whatever you may.. it will help me to survive today's ordeal. I thank you

***** a slight note****
I don't expect anyone to solve my problems I just needed to say them out loud

Thursday, November 6, 2008

One Has to Wonder

Now that the new dawn is here.. a new president has been elected.. what next? Will we give the man the time to learn the job? or will we continue with our messiah like love for Obama. And when he stumbles and falls will we allow him to be a man? or will we look at him and scoff, mock him for his failures?

I worry about this nation, our people, we have somehow forgotten the importance of hard work. We are an I want it now nation.. instant gratification and I honestly believe that this above all of our other flaws will be our downfall.

No matter what happens, no man will be able to fix what is wrong overnight. It took years to get here and will take years to get out of. To expect a quick fix is a laughable request. I hope that in an effort to take over, the new regime (all of them not just those walking into the highest offices) remembers to walk cautiously. They hold our lives in their hands.

In my heart of hearts I can only hope that they will take the time to see what is wrong and work together to see if it can be fixed. No bailouts or quick fixes but rather hard work and elbow grease. We were once a nation of workers.. lets get that back.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Just One More Day

The recent election has really had me thinking. The sacrifices that have been made, the compromises.. even the behind the scenes deals. All of the politics as usual. As a resident of the Chicago suburbs I have a deep seeded gut reflex to all things political. Of course they are all crooks.. I mean this is Chicago after all. I know, I know that is unfair but there you have it. So having the president elect spring from the Chicago political system is scary, downright scary. No matter that he seems a pretty decent man.. who rose to power on his own wits and abilities. I know I disagree with a lot of who he is and what he believes in but that's ok, he will be my president and will receive the respect from me, that the office deserves.

But with all of the drama ensuing, the excitement of having a black president.. the basic distrust of where he came from (Chicago politics), my basic ideological disagreements.. their is one thought that rings through my head.. Just One More Day!! I can't help but find tears in my eyes at the thought of his grandma dying one day, one mere day before he was elected. One moment too soon... oh I know many of us believe that she is with him, that her spirit will bring him comfort.. but still to loose that tangible touch on such a personal great day.

It makes me sad, yet it also forces me to think.. what am i waiting for? Am I going to let even one more moment pass without saying what needs to be said? Acting on dreams put on hold? Waiting for the right moment? I don't think so.. I may not have that one more day. I may loose that last moment. I mean there are no promises.. life isn't made that way. So what we must do is live fully with what we have. Be grateful for every moment that comes our way. Even the ones that leave you confused, angry, sad.. there is a place for them.. I just hope not a defining place.

So for me, I plan to take that One More Moment and live..

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Voting Made Crazy

Sometimes I have to look around at the forces that surround me and wonder.. am I just a magnate for insane? or does this happen to everyone? I am going for it's me.

Today I went to vote.. I have voted in every election except one, big or small since I was 18 years old (I only missed one and that was because of freaky reasons). For the past three years I have been going to the same polling place so this should not be a problem. Yeah.. right..

I walked in and handed them my ID... not because they asked but rather because I have an extremely unusual name and I am always trying to make it easier for others to get right. So there I have it, right on my official state document, no problem right? I have a last name for a first name and it is rather long.. but still everyone else in the United States has their first name first on their license.. why ever would I, one single individual be allowed to be different? So a 15 minute conversation ensued on what exactly is my name, then after looking under my first name, my maiden name and my married name they decided it wasn't there so I needed to go have it looked up by someone else, where I sat for another 20 minutes having the exact same conversation.. they were less than 5 feet apart!! Finally I am found but I am not registered to vote at this precinct (doesn't matter that I have voted here for the past few years and my sons were registered here). So off I trudge to the new precinct.. now full of trepidations where fortunately I was right there in the rolls. My name long and proud and only receiving the standard comments.. I voted and was on my way.

Now who was it that said we didn't have to endure trials to vote?

Remember that First Time

Remember that first sweet time?

That first sweet kiss.. @ Camp Arbolado on the rock
The first real boyfriend... who you were sort of dating when you kissed the other boy on the rock at Camp
The first time you rode your bike far away..
The first time your mom let you take the car out.. at night
The first moment when you realized you were really in love
That first moment when your child smiled at you

That first time you voted? It is amazing how some memories hold power over you. Each of the above memories are special to me.. yet today the one that holds my heart is that first visit to the election booth. Our polling place was held in a neighbors garage and I remember coming home early from school so I could be there when the doors opened. I remember the joy I felt when I dropped off my ballot turned and left. What an incredible rush! I was an adult, I had made my stand and my voice was heard!

As I have aged of course voting has become a little more ordinary, yet never quite.. never has it completely lost that feeling of power that sends chills down my spine. That single moment when my voice is shouting forth. I know many people may think that is a naive point of view.. there are so many things wrong with it all, but really there are so many things right!! and I, little ol me have the power to make a stand.

No, I dont have to wade through rivers, or dodge bullets, my gender has been voting my entire life and I don't have to cover my face to do it. There is no reward for going, just the incredible feeling of knowing that I have done something right and good and that I am part of something wonderful.

I hope you all take that moment today to vote.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Generationally Speaking

Finally, after years of debate, debacle and discussion we are on the verge of an historic election. Our time has come, our voices need to be heard.

What will we choose? A man who has spent his life in service, committed to his cause, attempting as best he could to make choices in the best interest of his country. A man who has been known to take on his own party because he knew they were wrong.

Or a man who has spent his adult life in service to his community, state and county. A man who has walked the path between racism and reality. A man has youth and idealism on his side. One who will definitely institute the change he is claiming to want to make.

It seems there are choices between two good men, but their visions are different. One appeals to our conservative side, walk cautiously and work from within and one who appeals to our radical side.. wants to upset the apple cart. The main factor here is the ideological differences. These have been formed by the experiences of a lifetime.

In the end does it matter? just VOTE.. have your voice be heard

Sunday, November 2, 2008

That TIme is Now

Not to overstate my case or anything.. but Tuesday is election day, in case anyone in the country may have missed that particular piece of info. I mean this particular election has gone on for what 3 years?? Seriously though, it has seemed to go on forever and is finally close to an historic ending. No matter which way you vote.

And that is what I want to say.. VOTE.. as Americans we have the responsibility to vote. It is more than a right, you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to attend whatever church you choose. You have the right to even burn the flag.. but voting?? no that is not a right.. it is a responsibility.. just like feeding and clothing your children is a responsibility. As an American it is time to stand up and make your voice heard.. It doesn't matter if you don't think one vote matters, the entire system is based on lots of one votes... I have voted in every election since I have turned 18, this year I will be going to the polls with my younger son. my oldest one will vote on his own schedule. We don't agree on anything, our points of view are a chasm apart.. that doesn't matter. What matters is taking the extra 30 minutes out of our day and going to vote.

If you choose not to accept your responsibility, the next time you choose to complain about this great country... don't. By refusing your responsibility in my opinion you loose the right to complain... ok, you don't, but you loose the right to complain to me. I won't listen. There are countries where they stand for hours, dodge bullets, freezing weather and social discrimination just for the privilege of placing their votes.. remember that on Tuesday when your life gets raggedy and busy..

In the end your vote does matter, you are part of what makes this country great

Did Ya Ever?

Sometimes in life, there are exciting adventures.. made to share and sometimes there are those that arent yours to share.. because of a conversation I have had.. I will not be posting anymore about my mom here..

Sometimes even the best intentions lead to the wrong actions

Friday, October 31, 2008

The Women Who Formed Me - The Couron Ladies

I had decided to pepper my blogs talking about the women who helped me become the woman I am today. Strong, independent, loyal, insane and not afraid to jump right in. Now I have several members of my family who should come before the Couron ladies but it is Halloween and one of my favorite memories is of the Couron house and a certain Halloween party.

Mrs Couron was my cadette girl scout leader and a sweeter, kinder, velvet glove kind of woman you have never met. She handled that group of about 30 junior high girls with grace, tolerance and just a bit of steel. She was the one who would push us when we needed to be pushed, taught us that we were a unit not a group of individuals and came down on us when we needed it. She was what one would call a girly girl, a mary kay rep back before it was quite the industry it is now, and yet she held this tomboys loyalty in the palm of her hand. Still does for that matter.

Colleen, now really Colleen deserves an entire blog of her own but tonight she is getting an honorable mention in this one. Colleen was my sidekick.. my partner in crime, the troublemaker (I was the good girl-yeah Colleen I know...). We ran that troop like any good general would and had a blast doing it. Colleen was a year younger than me in school and as any true member of the junior high social set knows.. the higher the grade the cooler the kid, so of course Colleen got a lot of cool points from her friends.. Years later she told me, whenever she was asked how we knew each other she would mutter, oh we go to this thing with my mom and hang out with some other people.. well face it back in the day girl scouts was not cool.

Now that is all well and good but why do they get the Halloween blog? Quite simply, the mummy.. A more spine tingling experience I have yet to have and as I sit here writing I laugh.. Our girl scout troop was having a party at the Couron house, now they lived in a gated community at the top of a rather nice hill, their yard once you passed the terrace declined swiftly. So we had it all planned. Towards the end of the evening I would tell a mummy story, one of those standard "One night long ago on the very land this house was built on stories" I was to enthrall those younger girls, captivate them.. then when I got to the word mummy, Colleen who was upstairs was to flick a light and her brother in law to be was to arise from below the terrace in all his mummy splendor and come after the girls. Giving them all a spectacular Halloween scare. The problem was, I was just a tad too good in the story department.. As planned I said the word mummy, as planned Colleen flicked the switch and up arose Steve in all his mummy finery.. over the fence onto the terrace he stalked.. Looking out the window appropriately afraid I stopped in mid sentence stuttered and valiantly tried to continue. Of course all of the girls turned to see what had me, their fearless leader so terrified.. and before I could say another word.. en mass they arose, screaming (as only girls can do) and ran for the stairs in fear of the mummy coming to attack them. Pushing me along with them I rode the wave caught up in the frenzy and laughing so hard I swear I am lucky I did not pee my pants.

And that is why the Couron ladies, Mrs Couron, Colleen and the wonderful big sis Bonnie (fiance of the mummy Steve) get this mention today.. I hope they are all living the lives they deserve

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Just One Theme Today

It's my baby's 17th birthday!! Well not "the" baby.. but my special baby! She is wacky and wonderful, strong and determined, independent and needy, moody, broody and full of life! a daily challenge. A joy to have in my life.. Happy Birthday Ashley-Frances

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

So I Have Been Tagged

Yesterday it happened. I was tagged, made me glow got me all excited (hey it was my first time on this site) now I admit I am easily impressed but this did make me feel good... so a big thanks to life on the verge.

The tag was 7 random things about me.

1. I enjoy quilting, while I am not able to do it as much as I used to I enjoy the process and creativity that comes from it.

2. I have been a registered girl scout since I was 7 years old (1972)

3. I spent 10 summers of my life at Camp Arbolado

4. I know more silly songs than anybody I know (now this may be in direct correlation of facts # 2&3)

5. I wanted to be a spy when I was in college

6. I went to private protestant High School by choice (go Heralds) because I had parents that encouraged me to find my own path not theirs

7. I moved to Illinois in 1984 with a suitcase, a box and a bike..

now here is where i am supposed to tag 7 others, I got all excited then I realized that including the one who tagged me I don't know 7 people here well enough to impose upon.. so for now I will leave the tag up to you.. feel free

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Accepting I Have an Addictive Personality

They say acceptance is the first step to recovery... although I am not sure that I want to recover.

It seems to me that as in all things I have jumped in feet first to this blogging thing. I swear I could spend an eternity doing it, it is great to be able to find a place to put my words, my thoughts and my feelings. To rush into and vent.. whoo hoo! Of course, there are times I sit down at the computer and have nothing to say, for those of you who know me you can stop laughing now, but it is true. When sitting down to write a blog a feeling of self importance comes over me and I want to write a witty, articulate well thought out blog. Oh brother, the joy of blogging is to sit down and say what is on one's mind.

Now back to the addiction thing. Me being me, I could not just stick with one blog oh no!! I now have three, two here and one on a member site.. and that is not enough for me, as in all converts I have to try and convince my friends to all start blogging also.

And then there is that entire entrecard thing.. I am sure you have all noticed the blog of the day posted here, well that site is an opening to a vast world of bloggers who have wonderful and fascinating things to say. I am amazed by the vastness of the human experience, the adventures, the travels, the day to day lives that claim our hearts. There are some sites that so astound me that I will venture there day after day. There are blogs written by the elderly, telling the stories that weaved the fabric of their lives, the ones written by the young, telling the dreams that only the young can have.I can't help it I am drawn in.

And the moms who blog... tell me where were they when I was raising small children, when I had a story a day to tell? They all of such wonderful, hilarious day to day adventures. A true example of the human spirit, I mean who but a mom can think a story about changing diapers can be funny? and then manage to make the rest of us think so too?

As in all things I know I will level out, I will eventually manage to add the balance in my life that I need and blogging will become just another daily ritual but for now I am that kid in the candy store ready to gorge

Monday, October 27, 2008

Sometimes The Wind

Sometimes the wind calls me
As it dances and trips
Across my skin
Sometimes it lures me to dance
Along to its haunting
Wordless melody
Reeling me along as it
Carelessly plays with me ~ pulling
My hair from its anchors daring
It to fly – to create a frenzied dance
Of it’s own, searching
For freedom
Sometimes the wind dares me
To defy the life I have
To let it all go
And sometimes it beckons me, it tempts me
As it whistles its way through the
Caverns of my soul
But mostly it cries for me
As I sit alone imprisoned
Longing to be free

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Post Cards as Memories

I was web browsing the other day and visiting various sites and I must admit I am delighted with the options and blog sites that are out there. Yes I was always aware of them, I knew people were spending time journalling their thoughts, talents, frustrations and daily lives but knowing and experiencing are two separate things.

One site that I find especially enjoyable is the site a postcard a day, now this industrious person is posting the post cards she has received over the years. This brought back a found memory for me.

My mom loves to travel and believe me you will all get to hear about it over time, anyway back on track. My mom used to send the most fantastic post cards from where ever she traveled. Sometimes she would go off for the day on one of her jaunts and a couple of weeks later I would receive a card. It has happened so often I stopped trying to keep up with her. It did get a little troublesome a while back when she started going on extended trips and not letting me know. Now mind you i live in the midwest and she currently (actually has always) resides in the Los Angeles area. So I would go to call her and no answer, the advent of cell phones really helped me to keep track of her. But I have established the hard fast rule, no leaving the country without telling me first.

Anyway she would send postcards from some of her jaunts, occasionally it would be just a ha ha I am here and you are not.. like a trip to Olvera Street. one of my favorite places on earth. As a mother with young children it was obviously hard for me to go anywhere or experience any of it for myself. So I would take her post cards and laminate them, leaving them out to be played with by the children. A friend once asked my why I went to the expense of having them laminated and before I could respond one of the kids reached across the coffee table and spilled red juice on all of them. Smiling I picked up the post cards and handed it to her, still in pristine condition. My reasons now clear.

These postcards are still around, although for some reason my mom who has increased up her travelling has decreased her post card sending. Or maybe since my children are teens she has refocused her energies on the younger grandchildren. What a fabulous way to teach geography.One day this is a habit I hope to emulate with my grandchildren (one day far away from now).

I Wish I Were Half This Clever

I don't know if this is true, I don't know if it happened.. but I can guarantee that I wish I had thought of it.

This has to be the greatest prank call of all times

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Traveling Down the Road To Insanity

Recently I spoke of changes and choices and how my life has been filled with both. First off the change of not having a secure income and living place and secondly by choosing all of the wrong things.

I am a single mother, who because of a series of decisions by both myself and my former employer am out of work. Loosing my job was absolutely devastating, I don't loose jobs, i am a good solid worker, reliable and focused. I am polite, respect office policies and don't speak in a vulgar manner. And yet I was let go for reasons that have just recently become clear to me. When I first lost my job I settled into a deep funk that took me ages to get out of. Unsure of my most basic capabilities. Each decision was questioned and then ignored, allowing life to flow around me yet not doing anything to fix it. I struggled both emotionally and physically finding it hard to even leave my home.

Circumstances played out that I had to move and the apartment we were going to move to was rented to a family member so we were basically left homeless, moving into a hotel for temporary amount of time we waited for my taxes before moving on. Of course there was a problem with our taxes and they never arrived.. leaving us in a hotel room that was costing us more than double what an apartment would and draining all of our savings. So I struggled making decisions based on day to day life, reacting instead or acting. Then I met a former co-worker astoundingly enough in the lobby of the hotel. Seems the company had over the year laid off or fired any employee making a decent salary and replaced them with ones that worked for less.

It is amazing the difference that this knowledge has done for my attitude. Suddenly I am making decisions again, unafraid to be wrong, secure in the fact that I am perfectly capable of doing it all. I am still unemployed, still living with my four kids in a hotel room, still paying way too much.. but life is suddenly better.