Sunday, March 31, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
There comes a time when you finally hit bottom. Whatever is plaguing you, it can be simple it can be extreme but it is something you do that drags you down ever deeper. Then one day, something happens and you hit bottom.. or you think you have. When that happens you have to take stock and make your choices..
Today, I think I finally hit bottom.. I am so far into this pit of insanity (yep almost said pit of despair) that I think I hit bottom. I know I totally and completely fell apart. So what can I do? Well I can take the steps to stop looking for the trap door at the "bottom" which will of course take me only further down and start the ever so long walk back to the top.
I didn't screw up over night so I won't fix it overnight.. but I am treating my life like an addiction.. one day at a time.. One step, One moment.. just keep going no matter how many times I stumble. As long as you are working at fixing it, you are headed in the right direction... It's the doing nothing that messes you up.
OK.. this is me taking back my life
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I received this absolutely awesome email from a friend.. All it had was a link to a Youtube Video.. Once I watched it I was fascinated. There are two more parts to this and I plan on watching them but I thought you all would really enjoy seeing this..
Saturday, March 9, 2013
What is the hardest thing for you to do? For me, it's changing direction. I tend to start down some path and then I see it's getting difficult or dangerous or just wrong and instead of stopping and re evaluating, I just keep on trudging. Until I am so deep all I can do is keep going. I figure hey I must be half way through this by now.
Only trouble is, I never know how long the journey really is, so how can I determine that I am over half way there? I can't. and yet, I just keep barging on. It's painful, it's heartwrenching and yes it's demoralizing.
Finally, when I know it is probably too late to fix things.. I stop face the facts and start the long journey back. It's not a really good way to live.
Yesterday, I finally made that decision to backtrack.. I had that moment when I just decided that life is worth more than sitting in the darkness. So, I was able to face reality and move forward. Even if I had to do it in the hardest way possible. Of course this is standard operating procedure for me.
I need to stop and re evaluate.. then start over.. get my center and find a direction worth heading in.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Have you ever had one of those moments when you know you stand alone? When life just seems to be falling apart around you? When you know this time you are seriously going to crash and burn? Of course you have.. we all have.
What do you do about it? How do you manage it? What gives you hope? How do you carry on? It's a question that has come to my attention a lot lately.
It seems that in the past few years I have been walking that lovely tightrope between despair and delight.. Never knowing which way my life was going to turn and having absolutely no clue what to do about it? How do I get out of this trap? Off the treadmill? How does one step out of the darkness and into the light?
I don't want to say that I am depressed or totally lost. Of course that might be the problem.. maybe if I didn't know I could find a way out, I would stop looking.. Maybe if I wasn't able to shoulder everything, I could walk away and breathe.
I lost my job 5 years ago and I have not been able to get out of this funk that I have been in ever since. Oh there are moments of hope.. moments of light but then I stumble back into the darkness. Absolutely no desire to deal with it. Just hide behind the obvious rather than looking for a way out. I am on a precipice.. and one more wrong move.. or worse, if I make the same move again.. I might just loose my mind.
Repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again gets old fast! I get tired of believing in that one thing that is just out of reach.. just at the end of my fingertips. I want more but I have no idea where to find it. Where to find the door in my circular room.
It's weird because inside I have this split.. I see so much, I dream so big and yet I see darkness and failure. Loss of light.. It's hard to get a handle on it. I know I will carry on, I will keep going but I just wish I could go in the right direction.. Shoot I just wish I could go in ANY direction.
Monday, March 4, 2013
I am one of the single most insecure people that there is. I am constantly looking for validation, looking to impress people with my wit, intelligence, charm, whatever. I long for people to tell me I have worth.
I know you should never place your worth in the hands of others.. It just isn't good. But I do it. Constantly looking for approval. It's a scary thing because I have lead an interesting life, have more than average intelligence, am personable.. sure I need to loose weight but that's not what I need validation for. Oh yeah, it would be totally cool if I lost all the weight and came home looking smokin hawt.. But that is something I could actually do for myself. Shoot, do the work.. loose the weight. Guess that is why it doesn't bother me so much (it does but not about my self worth)
What destroys me is when people don't recognize my brain.. my individuality.. When I was young and labeled in school, life was good. For a little while, only trouble was, I wasn't a rocket scientist.. I am a cut and paste kind of girl. No one got that.. so I spent years and I mean years trying to impress people. It didn't work because I was still living for others. If I would have just said screw it and became myself, I probably would have all the validation I needed. See the lesson there? Be true to yourself and you tend to impress others, live to impress others and you are constantly failing.
Anyway, as I know most of you are aware, I write two book review blogs, Bodice Rippers, Femme Fatales and Fantasy and Tea and Book. But because they are about romance books, I tend to separate them from my regular life. I mean, admit I like romance books? Yeah.. right. But lately I have been writing reviews and loving the heck out of it.. I do it for me.. not anyone else, like I said I rarely even tell my family and/or friends that I read romance books let alone review them. ANYWAY things have taken an amazing turn.
Author Alyssa Day, liked my review so much she is putting it in the front of her next book The Cursed. You know where you see quotes from people in the business about other books written by the author? Yep, I am going there!!
Author Christina Dodd, reprinted my quote on her Facebook Page and Twitter
Author Ashlyne Laynne mentioned my in her book Progeny
And several authors have mentioned me on their websites..
the most amazing thing happened. I went to Amazon to post a review and I saw the editorial quotes.. you know what I am talking about? The blurbs used to get readers excited? Well on the book If you Give a Rake a Ruby.. AMAZON posted a quote from BR.. yep that's me!! I was practically jumping up and down.
Then I realized. I was being validated.. Not because I was looking for it but because I was doing something I was good at and something I loved. I was sharing me!! Go Figure..