A PSA if You Will

Please all bear with me for a bit...

Two weeks ago last thursday I woke up around 3 am in excruciating pain. My stomache was cramping and my back muscles were so tight I honestly couldn't breathe. Now this had happened to me twice before to a lesser degree (over the past 5 years)and both of those times I thought I was seriously constipated and used a form of a laxative and the pain went away.. sorta.. Turns out that was a serious misdiagnossas. Since this particular method had worked before I called a friend who went and picked up some citric magnesium (a ligquid laxative) she good friend that she is found an all night pharmacy and brought it to me around 6 am. This was after 3 hours of constant screaming pain. Whed it arrived I drank it as fast as I could, which caused me to throw up, severly. Since that was the same reaction I had, had the last time I thought.. a good it will go away now. It didn't!

Around 10 am I finally called my doctor, I mean I didnt know what it was for all I knew it was swine flu... They said they could fit me in at 1:45, now remember I am still in such pain I can barely breath. I called a friend for another reason, hung up with her and said forget it and called 911. They sent an ambulance and off to emergency I went. Due to the wonders of modern drugs... they were able to at least manage the pain while I went through test after test. Finally they said they wanted to admit me, it seems I had "tons" of gallstones. The ER doctor said it almost gleefully. The surgeon was concerned because my liver enzines were up so after an overnight stay and the pain had gone, he said to put me on anti biotics and send me home. We would do the surgery the next week. Blood work on Monday, doctor visit on Tuesday and outpatient surgery on Wednesday! yeah right!

I don't get sick often but when I do I try and go over the top. Anyway I went home, it was senior night for my daughter at the football game, so I managed to get to the game and stand up with my child all smiles and pain free (still had alll that lovely morphine in my system). I even managed to go to a friends house, who was hosting a party for the band kids. It was a lot of fun chatted, snacked (BIG MISTAKE) and had an all round good time. I went home and crashed.. Sure enough, 4 am rolls around and the pain is back. Not as bad I could at least breathe this time but bad enough. Around 6 I called the surgeon and he was all get yourself back to the hospital we will get you re admitted.

So off I went... this time the pain never went away but I had that lovely morphine to help hold it off.. Antiboitics and morphine what a lovely diet, but the doc was worried about my liver. On Monday early afternoon they removed my gall bladder. Turns out I had one of the worst gallbladders this doctor had ever seen. Three times it's normal size, should have been paper thin was instead as thick as his finger and was FILLED yes that is right FILLED with stones. The lovely gallbladder hadn't worked in years if not decades and honestly even now looking back I can only really count 3 attacks.

I was out of the hospital on Wednesday afternoon (just in time for Senior night for swim team) and have finally been getting back to normal. I wanted to share this for a bunch of reasons.. Ladies as mothers we tend to put our health last.. we shouldn't... remember if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of your babies. Also I have received numerous emails asking where I have been. There you have it.. I have been off on the grand hospital vacation.. I promise next time I am taking a cruise..

Struggling to Be

These last couple of months have been very very hard on me. It seems that I have become just a bit adicted to the computer and I have been suffering very major withdrawel. It is hard to accept that you have put so much of yourself into interacting with others only online. In a way it is safer as you can project the image you want and hide from any hurtful insights from those in your life. I admit that has a very tempting aspect to it but it seems in the end you just come out lonlier and worse.. more alone..

I have always been the type of person that draws energy into myself from a crowd, have been considered the life of the party (in a good positive way not the slam back a drink, lets have sex kinda way). I treasure my relationships with others and enjoy spending time with friends but for some reason my stint in Illinois (25 years now) has turned me into a recluse, afraid to interact with people and holding myselff back. Just recently I have been attempting to rectify that behavior. I have been making an effort to get to know others and have fun with women my age it just seems that I have to constantly force my way into the group. It is painful. I am not sure what is causing this, I used to be kind and considerate always ready to lend a helping hand but slowly over time I have become the one who constantly needs help. I think in ways I am considered more of a charity case than a friend. I mean, if someone wants to do something nice for another person, I am always the one people think of. These are good decent people who just want to help out... but I don't get invited to the show or the fair or shoot even the bingo game.. I am just left hanging while all the other moms go out and have fun and interact. I am not sure how to change this, not sure if I even can at this point but I know I am just tired of hurting..

Now I could say it is a stage, it is something that just happens but somehow it has become a way of life and personally I hate it!! I am the woman who does.. who is.. not the one who sits around and waits.. I have spent my life giving back, teaching my children to give back. I learned to stand on my own two feet at the age of two and rarely looked back. I have been proud of the accomplishments I made on my own.. yet it seems lately I am forever needing advice, suggestions and help. I have just about had enough... somehow I have to find me again. Find the woman who knows that there is so much out there to give.. not the one who is always top of the list to be given to..

I cant Believe I am Gonna Say This

I am so very impressed by the current actions of David Letterman.. Now as I have stated in many previous posts, I can't stand the man.. He drives me crazy,, He is arrogant, obnoxious, crude, rude and lewd... but that is my opinion. But His latest adventure really impressed me. Finally a man who says.. I did it.. I won't deny it and NO WAY NO HOW am I gonna be Blackmailed. Not only did he admit his actions he acted with integrity and honor towards the others involved.

I still dont like him but I think today he was a class act

Serena and Kanye... Unacceptable!!

I must say this latest burst of temper tantrums and spoiled behaviour does not surprise me but I wish it did. Serena in the midst of an intense tennis match, made a mistake, got called on it and pitched a royal fit. I find this particular type of behavior irratating, it shows what a child she truly is. This woman has been allowed to earn her living playing a game.. one she claims to love and somehow she thinks that she is entitled to have a hissy fit because she didnt like the rules.. I don't get professional athletes, I don't excuse them they are paid millions to basically have fun. Why is it that they don't? Why do they persist in making complete fools out of themselves? Or acting like they are put upon because a call was made against them? Don't get me wrong I am an athlete by nature and an extremely competitive person and I ALWAYS play to win! but while I was growing up I was taught one very basic thing.. the official has the last say.. and sometimes they get it wrong. Often though.. they get it right and the athelete still acts like a spoiled child. Serena has always annoyed me because I have never heard her say.. hey she played a Great game.. every single time Serena has lost a match it was not that the other player was better but rather that she, Serena was off her game..

I enjoy watching tennis and have often pointed out to my kids the grace and class of such players as Pete Sampras, Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal... Venus Williams.. these are all athletes who have a fire within, they want to win but they do not act out, throw fits or behave in a manner that embarrasses their parents.. Honestly Serena I think you could take a few lessons from big sis.'

Now for Kanye... can you just please go away? I question your talent, your attitude totally sucks and for you to go off on one of your rants on a 19 year old child.. give me a break... grow up and get real.. I am not even gonna give you any more of my blog space because you are strictly a waste of my space..

ok... all I will be off again until Wednesday at the earliest but maybe not till next week...

A Gift From the Past

An amazing thing happened the other day.. I got a message through my facebook that I needed to give a friend a call. Now since I am the type to die of curiousity I of course had to call. I mean what would you do, You receive a message with a phone number with the words you need to call me... that is it.. Oh don't kid yourselves.. you would call..

Anyway, I gave him a call and had a delightful conversation with a friend from the past. We went to a small High School only 120 in our graduating class so we of course all knew each other. But basically he and I ran in different groups. It was more we knew of each other rather than we knew each other..

So I called on Saturday and had the most amazing conversation with a wonderful man... Thanks Bri... it was honestly a great chat.. I think I spoke more to him on Saturday than I did in the 2 1/2 years I was at Whittier Christian..

The internet can be an amazing tool to bring us together and keep contact with old friends. I am really glad I at least have the brains to take advantage of it..

The Ring

I was going to write this blog today about one of my aunts, she is a pretty amazing woman who has lead a life full of adventure, passion and drama. I truly adore her and believe she deserves a blog all of her own. Unfortunately when I started writing a lot of other things came to mind as they usually do. Because I honestly believe she deserves her very own blog I am going to refrain from that today. Instead, I am going to talk about a ring.

I wear this ring, it is the single piece of jewlery that I own that survived the storage fiasco. Gone are my charm bracelets, my jade ring from Mrs Gerace, my ruby rings from my aunts, my wedding ring (ok no big loss there) my saphire and diamond earrings all of it. Now I loved that damned jade ring and I will miss my charm bracelets until the day I die. I had plans for them but they are gone and all that is left is this ring. It is an alexandrite (ok it is a faux alexandrite) stone with an 18 carat setting. It is beautiful and I do love it but I have to wonder if maybe it holds too much power.

I look at this ring and see something i truly enjoy, it was a gift from my aunt (said aunt that I was going to write about) but it is not real. The ring seems to scream out at me that it is just what I am fake. It represents something that is not real. I am just not sure what.

I have spent my entire life pretending to be other than what I am. I always knew I was a square peg in a round hole and I always knew that in my family what I was needed to be shushed up and pushed aside. That somehow I was broken that there was something wrong with me. I was different, I knew it from as far back as I can remember. I was not one of them. They are strong, logical, organized, effeciant people. All words that in some ways have become profanity to me. I am none of the above.. well, I am not weak and I am a person but there the line cracks and the chasm begins. What I have with my family is not a mere difference in who and what I am, no it is so much more. I have spent my entire life being the one everyone has something to say, something to instruct or something to critisize but rarely do they have the time to pick up the phone and just say hey... and for some reason I have pushed that behavior into my everyday life. Hiding who and what I am in this protective bubble, remaining on the surface a typical everyday person. Good lord.. if only anyone had a clue..

The last couple of years have been very hard because I lost my job, went into "decline", developed severe anemia, while I wont admit it officially I am sure there are some serious depression issues going on and every knock seems to just push me a little more inside myself. When I started writing this blog it was going to be a journal of me.. somehow I strayed.. it became more what others might want to read instead of what I wanted to write. I am going to work on that.. Oh I think I will always have the need to make other people happy, to try and be what they want that is part of me as well so my blogs are going to vary a bit. There will be a few more introspective ones tossed in along with the day to day stuff..

These blogs are in a way a purge for me.. I have a definate goal, a desire even a quest as to what I want to say and instead I start typing and something all together different comes out. Believe it or not even this blog has changed from the words that were sitting on my tongue when I sat down. Hmmmmm I wonder if I will ever get the rest of the words out? Guess it really doesnt matter what matters is that I recognize who and what I am let the rest happen as it happens. Become more me and less what others expect of me.. and frankly the crazy, free spirit has been demanding attention lately.. way too many suppressed years..

If I Could Blog Back Thursdays - #6, College Days

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..

Todays topic College days!!

With summer coming to a close and schooldays starting to gear back up as usual Lola picked the perfect topic.

My college days were sporadic and combumbulating. I sorta went here, then I went there, then I landed over here. I claim Cal State Fullerton as it is easier to say well I went here there and everywhere. I love school, I love everything about school but when I went to college, I will admit I was lost. I went to the wrong school for the wrong reasons and had no clue as to how to go about fixing it. Back in those days, parents were not encouraged to help.. they were actively shooed away.. told that their kids were adults and should be able to figure it out on their own. I am totally grateful that today's schools realize that while a child needs to venture out on his/her own, needs to learn to make decisions.. that is it nice to have that parental support.

When I was in school I seriously considered becoming a spy, I even spoke with people to see what classes I might need. I thought it would be an exciting and adventerous way to earn a living. Well except for my morals and my inability to lie when it matters. I mean ask me if I am secretly related to Alan Alda (no, but for a while as a kid I said so) and I can lie my socks off.. ask did you take the 5 bucks sitting here on the counter and me, I have to speak up. My version of I can not tell a lie.. well I can, unless it is important.. and of course all the stuff about nationalism.. come on insult my country??? I would never have made it. But it was a fun fantasy for a while..

My mom, she wanted me to become a doctor, lawyer that sort of thing. I was cursed as a child to be told I was very very bright.. the thing is no one ever explained to my folks that what I excelled in was cut and paste. They were ever ready to encourage me to be.. they wanted so much for me but had no clue how to help me find my path.. as it was so not what my poor logical, organized and creatively challenged family could comprehend. and me being me, was absolutely spineless and had no clue as to how to figure it out.

I do know I loved History.. it wasnt about dates and times to me it was about people, how they lived and loved. Did you know that people in the 1000's had sex? I know.. hard to believe isnt? They had trama, drama, intrigue all the stuff we have now.. well except indoor plumbing..I seriously would have hated that part. Anyway back to my school days.. ok back to now..

I have almost completely decided that I will go back, discover more about those ancient times and peoples, learn what they have to share and well hide my head in the past..

Sorry this blog is so absolutely out there today.. it was a long time in coming and I honestly have tons and tons and tons to say.. I wont be back until the earliest Sunday.. and if not then Tuesday but I promise I will be back..