I was going to write this blog today about one of my aunts, she is a pretty amazing woman who has lead a life full of adventure, passion and drama. I truly adore her and believe she deserves a blog all of her own. Unfortunately when I started writing a lot of other things came to mind as they usually do. Because I honestly believe she deserves her very own blog I am going to refrain from that today. Instead, I am going to talk about a ring.
I wear this ring, it is the single piece of jewlery that I own that survived the storage fiasco. Gone are my charm bracelets, my jade ring from Mrs Gerace, my ruby rings from my aunts, my wedding ring (ok no big loss there) my saphire and diamond earrings all of it. Now I loved that damned jade ring and I will miss my charm bracelets until the day I die. I had plans for them but they are gone and all that is left is this ring. It is an alexandrite (ok it is a faux alexandrite) stone with an 18 carat setting. It is beautiful and I do love it but I have to wonder if maybe it holds too much power.
I look at this ring and see something i truly enjoy, it was a gift from my aunt (said aunt that I was going to write about) but it is not real. The ring seems to scream out at me that it is just what I am fake. It represents something that is not real. I am just not sure what.
I have spent my entire life pretending to be other than what I am. I always knew I was a square peg in a round hole and I always knew that in my family what I was needed to be shushed up and pushed aside. That somehow I was broken that there was something wrong with me. I was different, I knew it from as far back as I can remember. I was not one of them. They are strong, logical, organized, effeciant people. All words that in some ways have become profanity to me. I am none of the above.. well, I am not weak and I am a person but there the line cracks and the chasm begins. What I have with my family is not a mere difference in who and what I am, no it is so much more. I have spent my entire life being the one everyone has something to say, something to instruct or something to critisize but rarely do they have the time to pick up the phone and just say hey... and for some reason I have pushed that behavior into my everyday life. Hiding who and what I am in this protective bubble, remaining on the surface a typical everyday person. Good lord.. if only anyone had a clue..
The last couple of years have been very hard because I lost my job, went into "decline", developed severe anemia, while I wont admit it officially I am sure there are some serious depression issues going on and every knock seems to just push me a little more inside myself. When I started writing this blog it was going to be a journal of me.. somehow I strayed.. it became more what others might want to read instead of what I wanted to write. I am going to work on that.. Oh I think I will always have the need to make other people happy, to try and be what they want that is part of me as well so my blogs are going to vary a bit. There will be a few more introspective ones tossed in along with the day to day stuff..
These blogs are in a way a purge for me.. I have a definate goal, a desire even a quest as to what I want to say and instead I start typing and something all together different comes out. Believe it or not even this blog has changed from the words that were sitting on my tongue when I sat down. Hmmmmm I wonder if I will ever get the rest of the words out? Guess it really doesnt matter what matters is that I recognize who and what I am let the rest happen as it happens. Become more me and less what others expect of me.. and frankly the crazy, free spirit has been demanding attention lately.. way too many suppressed years..
Thursday, August 13, 2009
So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..
Todays topic College days!!
With summer coming to a close and schooldays starting to gear back up as usual Lola picked the perfect topic.
My college days were sporadic and combumbulating. I sorta went here, then I went there, then I landed over here. I claim Cal State Fullerton as it is easier to say well I went here there and everywhere. I love school, I love everything about school but when I went to college, I will admit I was lost. I went to the wrong school for the wrong reasons and had no clue as to how to go about fixing it. Back in those days, parents were not encouraged to help.. they were actively shooed away.. told that their kids were adults and should be able to figure it out on their own. I am totally grateful that today's schools realize that while a child needs to venture out on his/her own, needs to learn to make decisions.. that is it nice to have that parental support.
When I was in school I seriously considered becoming a spy, I even spoke with people to see what classes I might need. I thought it would be an exciting and adventerous way to earn a living. Well except for my morals and my inability to lie when it matters. I mean ask me if I am secretly related to Alan Alda (no, but for a while as a kid I said so) and I can lie my socks off.. ask did you take the 5 bucks sitting here on the counter and me, I have to speak up. My version of I can not tell a lie.. well I can, unless it is important.. and of course all the stuff about nationalism.. come on insult my country??? I would never have made it. But it was a fun fantasy for a while..
My mom, she wanted me to become a doctor, lawyer that sort of thing. I was cursed as a child to be told I was very very bright.. the thing is no one ever explained to my folks that what I excelled in was cut and paste. They were ever ready to encourage me to be.. they wanted so much for me but had no clue how to help me find my path.. as it was so not what my poor logical, organized and creatively challenged family could comprehend. and me being me, was absolutely spineless and had no clue as to how to figure it out.
I do know I loved History.. it wasnt about dates and times to me it was about people, how they lived and loved. Did you know that people in the 1000's had sex? I know.. hard to believe isnt? They had trama, drama, intrigue all the stuff we have now.. well except indoor plumbing..I seriously would have hated that part. Anyway back to my school days.. ok back to now..
I have almost completely decided that I will go back, discover more about those ancient times and peoples, learn what they have to share and well hide my head in the past..
Sorry this blog is so absolutely out there today.. it was a long time in coming and I honestly have tons and tons and tons to say.. I wont be back until the earliest Sunday.. and if not then Tuesday but I promise I will be back..