Monday, December 27, 2010


Envy is an interesting thing, it takes the most grounded of people (of which I have never ever claimed to be) and twists them until they hardly recognize themselves. Recently, I have been feeling some pretty serious case of envy for several of my old friends. I am not at a point where I get twisted up and go all evil on anyone but I get these twinges inside that hurt.

All my life all I really wanted was "that life" oh I never needed to be rich or famous (although I honestly would never have turned away from that) but I needed to be loved, needed and wanted. To be important to those around me. I have always known I was loved, at times I have realized that I was needed but rarely have I felt wanted. It is a hard burden on one's self esteem, especially when one seriously lacks self esteem.

Recently I, like many of you, have gotten in touch with old friends on facebook and I see some of their lives, the lives they created and I admit I feel envy. A strong pulling inside one time I was even moved to tears because that was supposed to be my life. Intellectually, I know that their lives are not perfect that they have trials and tribulations just like anyone else but I would love to struggle through those trials as opposed to the ones I have. I also understand that these individuals made choices that brought them there just like I made choices that brought me here. I do not want them to have less of a life I want to find out how to have that one. Of course it would be different because my history and my previous choices but still it would be good.

For now, I am working on making the right choices, to remove myself from situations that cause me inner hurt. To make sure I commit myself to my faith and my God. Not just token words but to actually live what I believe. I have failed to do so over many years and each day is a constant struggle to make the right choice. I don't know if I will ever be part of one of those relationships, honestly I don't know if I am capable of it. I do know I do something to repel people over time. but I yearn.

In the meantime, I am choosing to remember a basic commandment

Exodus 20:17

“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.”

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I am a huge sports fan and even more so a huge fan of college sports. I was raised to appreciate them. My parents tell the story of my dad asking my mom (the non sports fan) on their first date, to go see the 7' basketball player, a freshman at UCLA then known as Lou Al Cinder.

I was blessed in the fact that my dad loved sports but he also loved his children, all of us. We did not understand the dynamics of male/female athletes. The better player played. Well in our games we all played but we were never told that we were not any good because of gender. I remember watching UCLA, I remember them winning honestly for years and I mean years I thought there really wasn't another college basketball team worth watching. I think I was in my late 20's before I found out that UCLA wasn't considered the best and that there were other premier teams.

When UCONN first came on to the scene back in the 90's I enjoyed their rise to stardom. They were not just good they were sexy. They were ladies any young girl could look up to and appreciate. The sad fact is they were attractive, because we all know in women's sports you don't get to just be the best you must be the most attractive (thank you Don Imes, even if everyone seemed to miss that part of the insult). And the UCONN girls were just that, attractive.

What gets lost so often is they are more than pretty girls who play basketball they are the best. They have accomplished something that NO OTHER college basketball team has accomplished. Not a single one. WOW!!

We, the sports fans of America should be cheering these ladies on. We should be showering them with accolades and watching them with awe. I know many are and sadly I also know that there are many who will push them back to mere girl status. All I can say is too bad for those who do that. Too bad for any who attempt to diminish this amazing accomplishment to a gender thing. These girls are awesome athletes, awesome competitors and awesome winners.

Congratulations UCONN you did good.

ps.. this blog is dedicated to Sarah who doesn't play basketball but does go to UCONN so I had to give her a shout out.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Time to Post

It has been so very long since I kept up my regular blog that it actually feels wierd sitting here typing but it is time to get off my laziness (I would say lazy rear but since I am typing I am still on said rear) and get back to blogging.

It has been an interesting and eventful year for me. I have been working on just developing who I am and where I am headed. I have worked on reconnecting with the faithful and maintaining relationships. It seems the years of my marriage were spent in hiding and the years after were spent in habitual hiding. Not that I ever wasn't front and center rather I was emotionally distant. I put up the wall and kept everyone at arms length. Let me tell you it made for a very lonely time. In a strange way facebook has been part of my salvation. I have been able to re connect with friends and see what they are doing and how their lives are progressing.

After reading about their lives I find I am envious. I do not like to feel envy that others have wonderful fulfilled lives. I understand that none of their lives are perfect but many of them have the life I wanted. I had to ask myself, how did they get these lives? As far as I can see, most of them got it by listening to God and following His plan for their lives. Unlike me, the queen of yes I understand Your plan but can I tweak it just a bit? I have to think God just shakes his head and waits to see how I am gonna mess up a perfectly good plan this time.

It is hard for me to just follow direction. A lesson I definitely need to learn. I like the big picture but to follow the map is somehow beyond me. I need to get on that. Anyway, I am getting ever so tired of banging my head against the wall and have finally stopped to listen.

My church has this fabulous over 40's program that I dream of attending. I do not have a car and getting there will be a challenge. I am hoping it is God's will that I attend and somehow I get there. To be able to interact with like minded Christian adults would be fabulous. A few of my friends have pointed out that this is a form of singles fellowship and yes I agree that is so but it isn't for the dating factor that I want to interact with others who have some of the same life issues. Someone who gets the bone deep loneliness of being a single parent of being without a part of me.

I know there are many who thrive on being an individual and I am certainly that but I am also by nature a pack creature. I am not a lone wolf I am an alpha wolf.. sorta. I think my personality has confused many because while I have no problem caring for myself and my kids in a completely unique and totally non traditionally manner, I do need to be able to lean, to find that person to rely on.

Had I waited upon God's plan instead leaping into the big picture I would have had all that, instead I have what I have made. I have great kids and I am very proud of them. I am just so thankful that they are in my life and I can not see doing anything that would have changed having them but it would have been nice to not be so missing something the entire time I was raising them.

They are growing and almost gone and in a way so am I. In a way, I wait, I am waiting to see where the road leads and where God plans me to be. I hope and yes I hope it is part of something special, something good, something precious but if not I can only be grateful that He allowed me to be part of the amazing lives of my children. That I had that something special but still I yearn.. so let's see where the adventure leads.