Envy is an interesting thing, it takes the most grounded of people (of which I have never ever claimed to be) and twists them until they hardly recognize themselves. Recently, I have been feeling some pretty serious case of envy for several of my old friends. I am not at a point where I get twisted up and go all evil on anyone but I get these twinges inside that hurt.
All my life all I really wanted was "that life" oh I never needed to be rich or famous (although I honestly would never have turned away from that) but I needed to be loved, needed and wanted. To be important to those around me. I have always known I was loved, at times I have realized that I was needed but rarely have I felt wanted. It is a hard burden on one's self esteem, especially when one seriously lacks self esteem.
Recently I, like many of you, have gotten in touch with old friends on facebook and I see some of their lives, the lives they created and I admit I feel envy. A strong pulling inside one time I was even moved to tears because that was supposed to be my life. Intellectually, I know that their lives are not perfect that they have trials and tribulations just like anyone else but I would love to struggle through those trials as opposed to the ones I have. I also understand that these individuals made choices that brought them there just like I made choices that brought me here. I do not want them to have less of a life I want to find out how to have that one. Of course it would be different because my history and my previous choices but still it would be good.
For now, I am working on making the right choices, to remove myself from situations that cause me inner hurt. To make sure I commit myself to my faith and my God. Not just token words but to actually live what I believe. I have failed to do so over many years and each day is a constant struggle to make the right choice. I don't know if I will ever be part of one of those relationships, honestly I don't know if I am capable of it. I do know I do something to repel people over time. but I yearn.
In the meantime, I am choosing to remember a basic commandment
“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.”