Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Time to Post

It has been so very long since I kept up my regular blog that it actually feels wierd sitting here typing but it is time to get off my laziness (I would say lazy rear but since I am typing I am still on said rear) and get back to blogging.

It has been an interesting and eventful year for me. I have been working on just developing who I am and where I am headed. I have worked on reconnecting with the faithful and maintaining relationships. It seems the years of my marriage were spent in hiding and the years after were spent in habitual hiding. Not that I ever wasn't front and center rather I was emotionally distant. I put up the wall and kept everyone at arms length. Let me tell you it made for a very lonely time. In a strange way facebook has been part of my salvation. I have been able to re connect with friends and see what they are doing and how their lives are progressing.

After reading about their lives I find I am envious. I do not like to feel envy that others have wonderful fulfilled lives. I understand that none of their lives are perfect but many of them have the life I wanted. I had to ask myself, how did they get these lives? As far as I can see, most of them got it by listening to God and following His plan for their lives. Unlike me, the queen of yes I understand Your plan but can I tweak it just a bit? I have to think God just shakes his head and waits to see how I am gonna mess up a perfectly good plan this time.

It is hard for me to just follow direction. A lesson I definitely need to learn. I like the big picture but to follow the map is somehow beyond me. I need to get on that. Anyway, I am getting ever so tired of banging my head against the wall and have finally stopped to listen.

My church has this fabulous over 40's program that I dream of attending. I do not have a car and getting there will be a challenge. I am hoping it is God's will that I attend and somehow I get there. To be able to interact with like minded Christian adults would be fabulous. A few of my friends have pointed out that this is a form of singles fellowship and yes I agree that is so but it isn't for the dating factor that I want to interact with others who have some of the same life issues. Someone who gets the bone deep loneliness of being a single parent of being without a part of me.

I know there are many who thrive on being an individual and I am certainly that but I am also by nature a pack creature. I am not a lone wolf I am an alpha wolf.. sorta. I think my personality has confused many because while I have no problem caring for myself and my kids in a completely unique and totally non traditionally manner, I do need to be able to lean, to find that person to rely on.

Had I waited upon God's plan instead leaping into the big picture I would have had all that, instead I have what I have made. I have great kids and I am very proud of them. I am just so thankful that they are in my life and I can not see doing anything that would have changed having them but it would have been nice to not be so missing something the entire time I was raising them.

They are growing and almost gone and in a way so am I. In a way, I wait, I am waiting to see where the road leads and where God plans me to be. I hope and yes I hope it is part of something special, something good, something precious but if not I can only be grateful that He allowed me to be part of the amazing lives of my children. That I had that something special but still I yearn.. so let's see where the adventure leads.

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