I was going to write this blog today about one of my aunts, she is a pretty amazing woman who has lead a life full of adventure, passion and drama. I truly adore her and believe she deserves a blog all of her own. Unfortunately when I started writing a lot of other things came to mind as they usually do. Because I honestly believe she deserves her very own blog I am going to refrain from that today. Instead, I am going to talk about a ring.
I wear this ring, it is the single piece of jewlery that I own that survived the storage fiasco. Gone are my charm bracelets, my jade ring from Mrs Gerace, my ruby rings from my aunts, my wedding ring (ok no big loss there) my saphire and diamond earrings all of it. Now I loved that damned jade ring and I will miss my charm bracelets until the day I die. I had plans for them but they are gone and all that is left is this ring. It is an alexandrite (ok it is a faux alexandrite) stone with an 18 carat setting. It is beautiful and I do love it but I have to wonder if maybe it holds too much power.
I look at this ring and see something i truly enjoy, it was a gift from my aunt (said aunt that I was going to write about) but it is not real. The ring seems to scream out at me that it is just what I am fake. It represents something that is not real. I am just not sure what.
I have spent my entire life pretending to be other than what I am. I always knew I was a square peg in a round hole and I always knew that in my family what I was needed to be shushed up and pushed aside. That somehow I was broken that there was something wrong with me. I was different, I knew it from as far back as I can remember. I was not one of them. They are strong, logical, organized, effeciant people. All words that in some ways have become profanity to me. I am none of the above.. well, I am not weak and I am a person but there the line cracks and the chasm begins. What I have with my family is not a mere difference in who and what I am, no it is so much more. I have spent my entire life being the one everyone has something to say, something to instruct or something to critisize but rarely do they have the time to pick up the phone and just say hey... and for some reason I have pushed that behavior into my everyday life. Hiding who and what I am in this protective bubble, remaining on the surface a typical everyday person. Good lord.. if only anyone had a clue..
The last couple of years have been very hard because I lost my job, went into "decline", developed severe anemia, while I wont admit it officially I am sure there are some serious depression issues going on and every knock seems to just push me a little more inside myself. When I started writing this blog it was going to be a journal of me.. somehow I strayed.. it became more what others might want to read instead of what I wanted to write. I am going to work on that.. Oh I think I will always have the need to make other people happy, to try and be what they want that is part of me as well so my blogs are going to vary a bit. There will be a few more introspective ones tossed in along with the day to day stuff..
These blogs are in a way a purge for me.. I have a definate goal, a desire even a quest as to what I want to say and instead I start typing and something all together different comes out. Believe it or not even this blog has changed from the words that were sitting on my tongue when I sat down. Hmmmmm I wonder if I will ever get the rest of the words out? Guess it really doesnt matter what matters is that I recognize who and what I am let the rest happen as it happens. Become more me and less what others expect of me.. and frankly the crazy, free spirit has been demanding attention lately.. way too many suppressed years..