Friday, March 8, 2013
Alone in the Darkness
Have you ever had one of those moments when you know you stand alone? When life just seems to be falling apart around you? When you know this time you are seriously going to crash and burn? Of course you have.. we all have.
What do you do about it? How do you manage it? What gives you hope? How do you carry on? It's a question that has come to my attention a lot lately.
It seems that in the past few years I have been walking that lovely tightrope between despair and delight.. Never knowing which way my life was going to turn and having absolutely no clue what to do about it? How do I get out of this trap? Off the treadmill? How does one step out of the darkness and into the light?
I don't want to say that I am depressed or totally lost. Of course that might be the problem.. maybe if I didn't know I could find a way out, I would stop looking.. Maybe if I wasn't able to shoulder everything, I could walk away and breathe.
I lost my job 5 years ago and I have not been able to get out of this funk that I have been in ever since. Oh there are moments of hope.. moments of light but then I stumble back into the darkness. Absolutely no desire to deal with it. Just hide behind the obvious rather than looking for a way out. I am on a precipice.. and one more wrong move.. or worse, if I make the same move again.. I might just loose my mind.
Repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again gets old fast! I get tired of believing in that one thing that is just out of reach.. just at the end of my fingertips. I want more but I have no idea where to find it. Where to find the door in my circular room.
It's weird because inside I have this split.. I see so much, I dream so big and yet I see darkness and failure. Loss of light.. It's hard to get a handle on it. I know I will carry on, I will keep going but I just wish I could go in the right direction.. Shoot I just wish I could go in ANY direction.