A PSA if You Will

Please all bear with me for a bit...

Two weeks ago last thursday I woke up around 3 am in excruciating pain. My stomache was cramping and my back muscles were so tight I honestly couldn't breathe. Now this had happened to me twice before to a lesser degree (over the past 5 years)and both of those times I thought I was seriously constipated and used a form of a laxative and the pain went away.. sorta.. Turns out that was a serious misdiagnossas. Since this particular method had worked before I called a friend who went and picked up some citric magnesium (a ligquid laxative) she good friend that she is found an all night pharmacy and brought it to me around 6 am. This was after 3 hours of constant screaming pain. Whed it arrived I drank it as fast as I could, which caused me to throw up, severly. Since that was the same reaction I had, had the last time I thought.. a good it will go away now. It didn't!

Around 10 am I finally called my doctor, I mean I didnt know what it was for all I knew it was swine flu... They said they could fit me in at 1:45, now remember I am still in such pain I can barely breath. I called a friend for another reason, hung up with her and said forget it and called 911. They sent an ambulance and off to emergency I went. Due to the wonders of modern drugs... they were able to at least manage the pain while I went through test after test. Finally they said they wanted to admit me, it seems I had "tons" of gallstones. The ER doctor said it almost gleefully. The surgeon was concerned because my liver enzines were up so after an overnight stay and the pain had gone, he said to put me on anti biotics and send me home. We would do the surgery the next week. Blood work on Monday, doctor visit on Tuesday and outpatient surgery on Wednesday! yeah right!

I don't get sick often but when I do I try and go over the top. Anyway I went home, it was senior night for my daughter at the football game, so I managed to get to the game and stand up with my child all smiles and pain free (still had alll that lovely morphine in my system). I even managed to go to a friends house, who was hosting a party for the band kids. It was a lot of fun chatted, snacked (BIG MISTAKE) and had an all round good time. I went home and crashed.. Sure enough, 4 am rolls around and the pain is back. Not as bad I could at least breathe this time but bad enough. Around 6 I called the surgeon and he was all get yourself back to the hospital we will get you re admitted.

So off I went... this time the pain never went away but I had that lovely morphine to help hold it off.. Antiboitics and morphine what a lovely diet, but the doc was worried about my liver. On Monday early afternoon they removed my gall bladder. Turns out I had one of the worst gallbladders this doctor had ever seen. Three times it's normal size, should have been paper thin was instead as thick as his finger and was FILLED yes that is right FILLED with stones. The lovely gallbladder hadn't worked in years if not decades and honestly even now looking back I can only really count 3 attacks.

I was out of the hospital on Wednesday afternoon (just in time for Senior night for swim team) and have finally been getting back to normal. I wanted to share this for a bunch of reasons.. Ladies as mothers we tend to put our health last.. we shouldn't... remember if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of your babies. Also I have received numerous emails asking where I have been. There you have it.. I have been off on the grand hospital vacation.. I promise next time I am taking a cruise..

Struggling to Be

These last couple of months have been very very hard on me. It seems that I have become just a bit adicted to the computer and I have been suffering very major withdrawel. It is hard to accept that you have put so much of yourself into interacting with others only online. In a way it is safer as you can project the image you want and hide from any hurtful insights from those in your life. I admit that has a very tempting aspect to it but it seems in the end you just come out lonlier and worse.. more alone..

I have always been the type of person that draws energy into myself from a crowd, have been considered the life of the party (in a good positive way not the slam back a drink, lets have sex kinda way). I treasure my relationships with others and enjoy spending time with friends but for some reason my stint in Illinois (25 years now) has turned me into a recluse, afraid to interact with people and holding myselff back. Just recently I have been attempting to rectify that behavior. I have been making an effort to get to know others and have fun with women my age it just seems that I have to constantly force my way into the group. It is painful. I am not sure what is causing this, I used to be kind and considerate always ready to lend a helping hand but slowly over time I have become the one who constantly needs help. I think in ways I am considered more of a charity case than a friend. I mean, if someone wants to do something nice for another person, I am always the one people think of. These are good decent people who just want to help out... but I don't get invited to the show or the fair or shoot even the bingo game.. I am just left hanging while all the other moms go out and have fun and interact. I am not sure how to change this, not sure if I even can at this point but I know I am just tired of hurting..

Now I could say it is a stage, it is something that just happens but somehow it has become a way of life and personally I hate it!! I am the woman who does.. who is.. not the one who sits around and waits.. I have spent my life giving back, teaching my children to give back. I learned to stand on my own two feet at the age of two and rarely looked back. I have been proud of the accomplishments I made on my own.. yet it seems lately I am forever needing advice, suggestions and help. I have just about had enough... somehow I have to find me again. Find the woman who knows that there is so much out there to give.. not the one who is always top of the list to be given to..

I cant Believe I am Gonna Say This

I am so very impressed by the current actions of David Letterman.. Now as I have stated in many previous posts, I can't stand the man.. He drives me crazy,, He is arrogant, obnoxious, crude, rude and lewd... but that is my opinion. But His latest adventure really impressed me. Finally a man who says.. I did it.. I won't deny it and NO WAY NO HOW am I gonna be Blackmailed. Not only did he admit his actions he acted with integrity and honor towards the others involved.

I still dont like him but I think today he was a class act

Serena and Kanye... Unacceptable!!

I must say this latest burst of temper tantrums and spoiled behaviour does not surprise me but I wish it did. Serena in the midst of an intense tennis match, made a mistake, got called on it and pitched a royal fit. I find this particular type of behavior irratating, it shows what a child she truly is. This woman has been allowed to earn her living playing a game.. one she claims to love and somehow she thinks that she is entitled to have a hissy fit because she didnt like the rules.. I don't get professional athletes, I don't excuse them they are paid millions to basically have fun. Why is it that they don't? Why do they persist in making complete fools out of themselves? Or acting like they are put upon because a call was made against them? Don't get me wrong I am an athlete by nature and an extremely competitive person and I ALWAYS play to win! but while I was growing up I was taught one very basic thing.. the official has the last say.. and sometimes they get it wrong. Often though.. they get it right and the athelete still acts like a spoiled child. Serena has always annoyed me because I have never heard her say.. hey she played a Great game.. every single time Serena has lost a match it was not that the other player was better but rather that she, Serena was off her game..

I enjoy watching tennis and have often pointed out to my kids the grace and class of such players as Pete Sampras, Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal... Venus Williams.. these are all athletes who have a fire within, they want to win but they do not act out, throw fits or behave in a manner that embarrasses their parents.. Honestly Serena I think you could take a few lessons from big sis.'

Now for Kanye... can you just please go away? I question your talent, your attitude totally sucks and for you to go off on one of your rants on a 19 year old child.. give me a break... grow up and get real.. I am not even gonna give you any more of my blog space because you are strictly a waste of my space..

ok... all I will be off again until Wednesday at the earliest but maybe not till next week...

A Gift From the Past

An amazing thing happened the other day.. I got a message through my facebook that I needed to give a friend a call. Now since I am the type to die of curiousity I of course had to call. I mean what would you do, You receive a message with a phone number with the words you need to call me... that is it.. Oh don't kid yourselves.. you would call..

Anyway, I gave him a call and had a delightful conversation with a friend from the past. We went to a small High School only 120 in our graduating class so we of course all knew each other. But basically he and I ran in different groups. It was more we knew of each other rather than we knew each other..

So I called on Saturday and had the most amazing conversation with a wonderful man... Thanks Bri... it was honestly a great chat.. I think I spoke more to him on Saturday than I did in the 2 1/2 years I was at Whittier Christian..

The internet can be an amazing tool to bring us together and keep contact with old friends. I am really glad I at least have the brains to take advantage of it..

The Ring

I was going to write this blog today about one of my aunts, she is a pretty amazing woman who has lead a life full of adventure, passion and drama. I truly adore her and believe she deserves a blog all of her own. Unfortunately when I started writing a lot of other things came to mind as they usually do. Because I honestly believe she deserves her very own blog I am going to refrain from that today. Instead, I am going to talk about a ring.

I wear this ring, it is the single piece of jewlery that I own that survived the storage fiasco. Gone are my charm bracelets, my jade ring from Mrs Gerace, my ruby rings from my aunts, my wedding ring (ok no big loss there) my saphire and diamond earrings all of it. Now I loved that damned jade ring and I will miss my charm bracelets until the day I die. I had plans for them but they are gone and all that is left is this ring. It is an alexandrite (ok it is a faux alexandrite) stone with an 18 carat setting. It is beautiful and I do love it but I have to wonder if maybe it holds too much power.

I look at this ring and see something i truly enjoy, it was a gift from my aunt (said aunt that I was going to write about) but it is not real. The ring seems to scream out at me that it is just what I am fake. It represents something that is not real. I am just not sure what.

I have spent my entire life pretending to be other than what I am. I always knew I was a square peg in a round hole and I always knew that in my family what I was needed to be shushed up and pushed aside. That somehow I was broken that there was something wrong with me. I was different, I knew it from as far back as I can remember. I was not one of them. They are strong, logical, organized, effeciant people. All words that in some ways have become profanity to me. I am none of the above.. well, I am not weak and I am a person but there the line cracks and the chasm begins. What I have with my family is not a mere difference in who and what I am, no it is so much more. I have spent my entire life being the one everyone has something to say, something to instruct or something to critisize but rarely do they have the time to pick up the phone and just say hey... and for some reason I have pushed that behavior into my everyday life. Hiding who and what I am in this protective bubble, remaining on the surface a typical everyday person. Good lord.. if only anyone had a clue..

The last couple of years have been very hard because I lost my job, went into "decline", developed severe anemia, while I wont admit it officially I am sure there are some serious depression issues going on and every knock seems to just push me a little more inside myself. When I started writing this blog it was going to be a journal of me.. somehow I strayed.. it became more what others might want to read instead of what I wanted to write. I am going to work on that.. Oh I think I will always have the need to make other people happy, to try and be what they want that is part of me as well so my blogs are going to vary a bit. There will be a few more introspective ones tossed in along with the day to day stuff..

These blogs are in a way a purge for me.. I have a definate goal, a desire even a quest as to what I want to say and instead I start typing and something all together different comes out. Believe it or not even this blog has changed from the words that were sitting on my tongue when I sat down. Hmmmmm I wonder if I will ever get the rest of the words out? Guess it really doesnt matter what matters is that I recognize who and what I am let the rest happen as it happens. Become more me and less what others expect of me.. and frankly the crazy, free spirit has been demanding attention lately.. way too many suppressed years..

If I Could Blog Back Thursdays - #6, College Days

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..

Todays topic College days!!

With summer coming to a close and schooldays starting to gear back up as usual Lola picked the perfect topic.

My college days were sporadic and combumbulating. I sorta went here, then I went there, then I landed over here. I claim Cal State Fullerton as it is easier to say well I went here there and everywhere. I love school, I love everything about school but when I went to college, I will admit I was lost. I went to the wrong school for the wrong reasons and had no clue as to how to go about fixing it. Back in those days, parents were not encouraged to help.. they were actively shooed away.. told that their kids were adults and should be able to figure it out on their own. I am totally grateful that today's schools realize that while a child needs to venture out on his/her own, needs to learn to make decisions.. that is it nice to have that parental support.

When I was in school I seriously considered becoming a spy, I even spoke with people to see what classes I might need. I thought it would be an exciting and adventerous way to earn a living. Well except for my morals and my inability to lie when it matters. I mean ask me if I am secretly related to Alan Alda (no, but for a while as a kid I said so) and I can lie my socks off.. ask did you take the 5 bucks sitting here on the counter and me, I have to speak up. My version of I can not tell a lie.. well I can, unless it is important.. and of course all the stuff about nationalism.. come on insult my country??? I would never have made it. But it was a fun fantasy for a while..

My mom, she wanted me to become a doctor, lawyer that sort of thing. I was cursed as a child to be told I was very very bright.. the thing is no one ever explained to my folks that what I excelled in was cut and paste. They were ever ready to encourage me to be.. they wanted so much for me but had no clue how to help me find my path.. as it was so not what my poor logical, organized and creatively challenged family could comprehend. and me being me, was absolutely spineless and had no clue as to how to figure it out.

I do know I loved History.. it wasnt about dates and times to me it was about people, how they lived and loved. Did you know that people in the 1000's had sex? I know.. hard to believe isnt? They had trama, drama, intrigue all the stuff we have now.. well except indoor plumbing..I seriously would have hated that part. Anyway back to my school days.. ok back to now..

I have almost completely decided that I will go back, discover more about those ancient times and peoples, learn what they have to share and well hide my head in the past..

Sorry this blog is so absolutely out there today.. it was a long time in coming and I honestly have tons and tons and tons to say.. I wont be back until the earliest Sunday.. and if not then Tuesday but I promise I will be back..

Back on Track FINALLY

Sorry folks the past month or so has been horrid, first I had just a major case of the blues, I was blogged out and feeling pressured to write.. I mean how silly is that? There was no one standing there pushing my buttons but I had put such expectations on myself I was feeling like a failure because I could not keep up with the 5 blogs that I normally write. So I stopped writing in any of them. That was a harsh choice but it was a good one.

BUT... I finally had the ground back under me.. was feeling secure had a notebook and I mean a note book of ideas on what to write on and what happens? My computer crashed. Not a dainty oops give me some time and I can fix it crash but a serious plan the funeral, lower the flag, play taps kinda crash!!! So I have been off the puter for the past two and half weeks because of that. I have decided that regular trips to the library are going to have to help me out for a bit. So while I will not have daily blogs I will have regular ones and I will be able to once again visit all the dear and wonderful friends I have made through my blogs..

Thanks for your patience and support..

Rest in Peace Michael J, Farrah

The words keep circling my brain

You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I'll be there

I'll reach out my hand to you, I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and I'll be there

If you should ever find someone new, I know he'd better be good to you
'Cause if he doesn't, I'll be there
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there

(Just look over your shoulders, honey - oo)

I'll be there, I'll be there, whenever you need me, I'll be there
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah (The Jackson Five)

I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there...
Love him or hate him we lost a brilliant gifted troubled soul yesterday. Michael Jackson was a musical gift to us, a genius that like most was misunderstood, warped and lost. But he gave us such amazing work above and beyond what we could ever expect.. His beautiful instrument was something that has marked and chronicled my life and somehow knowing it is lost to us forever is just too sad.

Yes his adult life has been fraught with controversy and we will always suspect and probably believe him guilty of the vilest of acts but that can never take away from the gift of his music. It was the kind of talent that transcended life.. He can be placed in the annals of music with Beethoven, Mozart, Joplin and Elvis.. Music that should and could last forever. For those of us of a certain age we grew up together... Michael voiced our fears, our joys as children he spoke of our innocence as teenagers our defiance and as adults well just our lives.. so yes rest in peace Michael J.. your gift shall be missed.

And Farrah, sweet Farrah, you reminded us that women can be beautiful, creative and Free. That they need not march to the drums that society played. In an era that created Women's Lib you flaunted your sensuality... you said hey I am as much a woman as the rest of you I just choose to live life my way. I don't think there is a single man I know, my age that didn't have that poster in hanging on their wall.. and oh that hair.. every girl i know wanted it! Thank you Farrah for being you, free spirit, loving, gracious, beautiful... your dignity in death has superseeded your grace in living. Rest in Peace Farrah you shall be missed...

If I Could Blog Back Thursdays - #5 First Pet

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..

Todays Topic: First Pet

I never had a pet growing up and my first pet like my husband was courtesy of his ex wife. When they split she got the car, the kid and the money... he got Peaches. Sometimes I still swear he got the better deal.

Peaches was this huge dog, she was part german short hair and part lab but at heart she was a lap dog. She loved to try and crawl into my lap, especially during thunderstorms. The big wuss if my lap was unavailable (which it was since she was huge) she would crawl under the desk and hide until the storms passed.

Peaches was what I would call a runner, not that she loved to run but rather she loved to roam. If we left her out too long she would leave the yard and go roaming the neighborhood only to show up at our door the next morning. She would always at some point in her travels go visit my Mother in Laws (she lived on the next block over). If we timed it right we could get her there and bring her home.

I am not sure how it happened but peaches was a racist dog.. It was so funny if you said the word Mexican she would literally start howling. Now I know it sounds bad but it was just too funny. It got to the point where we would point and say peaches look Mexicans, just to see her howl.

When I got pregnant with Hair Boy peaches became my biggest protector if any other dog came around me she would shove them off and stand over me. I was never a pet owner until I had peaches and I didn't realize how much I cared for her until she died because honestly I cried when we had to have her put to sleep. She was a loving caring creature and I was blessed to have had such an animal as my first pet.

Are We Asking too Much?

So another politician gone AWOL.. yes once again lost in the arms of the other woman. I have to wonder do we expect too much of our elected officials? I know this sounds silly because I loathe people who cheat.. but being a lousy spouse does not necessarily make you a bad politician.

When I think of the list of great leaders (crappy husbands) I have to seriously rethink our insistence on their family values... Even thinking along these lines bother me because I am so not attracted to unfaithful people. I get rather disgusted with them and their behavior, I mean they made a commitment.. but the fact remains they did not make that commitment to me. To me they said they would do their best, they would take on the responsibility of writing and approving our laws. That they would try and make my life a bit easier.. now of course they fail there too as most politicians are in it because of lust for power and greed...

I think we as Americans expect so much and yet we have an entire generation face it we have several starting with my own, that were raised to put themselves and their wants, needs, desires first. We expect others to behave well and yet don't expect the same of ourselves. This is the fabric that is creating our political leaders. If we have raised them to think that the only thing that matters is themselves how then can we demand that they put others first?

If we raised them to not have morals (and face it our society seriously lacks them) how can we then demand that they have them? We say we want our elected officials to believe in God then we demand that we remove the words God from any of our public buildings and traditions. We say we want a man/woman to put their family first then put them in a job where face it the family is not first and one will see little of their children and spouses..

Sorry all I really did have a point to this blog I guess I just needed to say what was on my mind. We can not expect our leaders to lead in any manner except the way that they were raised. That is a sad fact of life.

Does This Sound Right?

"Vick is the league’s highest profile felon. He just finished a 19-month federal prison stint and is currently on house arrest in Virginia. His crime was funding and operating a barbaric dog fighting organization. His case attracted massive media attention and well organized protests.

Stallworth is just beginning a month long stay in a Florida jail – he’ll be eligible for release in as few as 24 days – for DUI manslaughter, an incident that didn’t garner widespread coverage until he received such a light sentence." (By Dan Wetzel, Yahoo! Sports)

Ok yes Michael Vick committed a pretty awful crime, he then lied about it committing perjury and pretty much treated us all as fools.. but folks his crime was against dogs and he got a 19 month sentence. Stallworth, killed a person while he was drunk and driving and he gets 30 days? That is it 30 days? He chose to get in that car and break the law, he chose to drink and drive.. We preach against it, we rail at our children but what are we saying.. 1. a human life is not as important as an animal one (which btw another football player has also committed vehicular manslaughter and played on) and 2. if you are rich enough, famous enough the rules don't apply.
I just don't get it? I don't understand why we put so very little value on human life.. why we are not all so very outraged at each and every senseless, needless death.. but no we just let it go.. then find ourselves in an uproar over something stupid.. a political affair, a questionable jockey, a crooked basketball player. What is wrong with us?
Oh well I am sure something will come along to distract us again from the value of human life.. I just wish it were not so.. for me, don't get me wrong I like dogs.. I have even owned some that were part of the family but I think human life is more precious.

Blog Back Thursdays - 4 Favorite Annual Events

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..

Today's Topic is Favorite Annual Events

I guess my absolute favorite family event from when I was a child was the family reunion. We would all get together on or around my great grandmother's birthday. All of my Grandma's kids, grandkids etc and all of my Aunt Margie's kids, grandkids etc would get together and spend one fun day together.

Everyone would bring a dish and each had something that they were known for, my mom's marshmellow salad, someone brought burritos (which were always good) and Uncle Johnny always brought the beer (He worked for Busch Beer or one of them wait maybe pabst? whatever)

I got to see all the relatives that lived within driving distance but we didnt see regularly which of course now we would think nothing of driving off to see them but back then they lived too far away. The best part was the chance to see my cousins Charlene and Irene, they were the only cousins in the entire family who were my age. It was hard being in the middle like I was.. with my close family I had my brother who was my age. My cousins were either way older (closer to my mom's age) or over 5 years younger and as a child that is a lifetime. So each year I would count the days until I got to see Charlene and Irene. The reunion was always held at the park we lovingly called Denace the Menace Park (I dont know why) and they had a public pool.

My parents rarely let us go to public pools, well we had one in our backyard as did well over half our friends so why go to a public one but for the reunion we were allowed. So for many hours Charlene, Irene and I would swim and cavort and just have fun. The magic of summer. To this day those two hold a very special place in my heart and I look forward to seeing them at any family event. Which I must say Charlene manages to attend way more than either Irene or myself.

It is funny how much of our lives are created by single days... one day each summer I spent with these two cousins, that is it. and yet they remain two of my most precious meomories..

Again Lola thank you for helping me to remember these moments

I know I have Been Sporadic at Best

Have you ever stepped away from something you really enjoyed, then had a hard time going back to it? I have been blogging pretty regularly for over a year now, here on this page since October and in another format since January 08. I honestly enjoy it, I enjoy the people I meet, I enjoy expressing myself and I enjoy the feedback I get when I do so..

But lately, I have just been blah about it. Sad to say all of my blogs have been woefully neglected. Maybe it is the summer blues, maybe it is life, maybe it is just time to rest for a bit. I have no clue.

When I do sit down to blog it is like I have nothing to say. Now if you knew me at all you would realize the total impossibility of that ever happening. So for the foreseeable future I am going to just sit and ramble. No purpose, no issue, no subject maybe my head will clear and I can blog again.

It isn't as though my life isn't full of fun and fascinating facts..

Oh yeah.. I seriously hate Raquel Welch.. it is so not fair that she is that gorgeous at her age and I wasn't even close to that at 20..

Fed Up with Mr Letterman

It is true I have never really enjoyed the humor of David Letterman, I found it well vulgar and stupid but that was my opinion and I understood many others disagreed.
My way of showing my dislike was to not watch his show, simple, concise and effective. I didn't have to listen to his dribble and he was allowed to continue on with it. This time his antics and improper behavior have taken him into the news. Mr Letterman needs to understand who is free game and who is not... and if he is going to make a topical joke he needs to get his facts straight.

Last week, he made an inappropriate slur against the daughter of Sarah Palin. Stating that she would be getting knocked up by ARod during the 7th inning stretch. Turns out the daughter in town w/Gov Palin was her 14 year old.. OOPS.. Then got offended when Gov. Palin said if that was the way he felt then maybe she should keep her daughter away from him.. Good old Dave said oh he thought it was the 18 year old not the 14 year old...

Hmmm so it is ok for a 62 year old man to accuse an 18 year old girl of spreading her legs for anyone (a girl who as far as we know has had sexual relationships with one person...the boy she thought she loved) A girl who has stepped up and taken responsibility for her actions and gone out to speak on the difficulties of teenage parenthood.. but even that point is moot.. she is an 18 year old girl.. Mr Letterman is a 62 year old man.. am I the only one who thinks his preoccupation with her sex life is just ewwwwwwww

And really, she has done nothing but be born into a family that Mr Letterman has decided is evil.. I mean doesnt he have a child conceived out of wedlock? Should that not mean that his ladyfriend is also a tramp? whore? slut? whatever term you use? one has to consider this.. Mr Letterman needs to understand boundaries, proper behavior and lines that should not be crossed. A politicians children are not fair game.. they are children.. of course it seems only the children of the Republican party are attacked and brought out a fodder..One has to wonder at the integrety of those who allow such behavior.. President Obama himself has said.. leave the children out of it. Mr Letterman I suggest you listen or accept the fact that you really are a pig and need to get off the air.

Ok rant over..

Been Absent of Late

Sorry all I haven't meant to just disappear, I have just been away from the blogs.. I am not sure what happened but it seems life just took over for a few days. I meant to stop in, I meant to say hello, visit some blogs and leave my thoughts and comments and yet I just got busy.

I was a bit irked when I realized that thursday had passed and I missed Lola's blog back thursday blog.. I really enjoy writing that one and yes I realize I could do it now but that just seems to be cheating.

I guess I have been caught up in reading lately as several of my authors have books coming out. Most are part of a series so I have to read those first to catch up on what is happening so when the new book comes out I have a clue...

Goodness knows I haven't been child rearing as they are gone.. yes gone.. Blond Girl is off to CA, Word Girl has TWO jobs, Pita Boy has two positions with the same company and Hair Boy has a life (as well as a job)..

I am seriously gonna get out and do something if it ever stops raining...

A Theme Today Hair Boy is 21!!

In case you missed my blog over at Jugglingteens my oldest turns 21 today. I can't help it my theme for the day is happy birthday sweetie..

As I have dedicated 6 blogs to the boy I won't go into major details but I am going with the theme..

Happy Birthday... and no way no how am I old enough to be the parent to a 21 year old...

A Book, A Series to Check Out

I am an avid reader as a matter of fact reading has long been my drug of choice, my means of escape and most often the only way I will ever get to see some places. I read so much that until I started hogging the computer all the time with my blogs, my kids resented books.. now they would gladly see me escape to a good book..

Anyway last year I discovered this amazing author. Alyssa Day. She has written a series about Atlantis Rising, the people who live there and how they would interact with us today. Of course she has managed to combine vampires, shape shifters and romance into the mix. It is a creative concept a romance with a delightful twist. Atlantis Unleashed is the fourth book in the series so while I honestly recommend this book if you haven't read the first three.. I suggest you start at the beginning with Atlantis Rising..

Happy Reading All

The Average American Woman

Word Girl likes to watch America's Next Top Model... Now that Oxygen has it in marathon form on Sundays she will watch an entire season in one day. She laughs at the antics and doesn't take it too seriously but I find it rather annoying. Not the reality TV show concept because face it that is the American mentality these days. No it is the fact that they still say thin is in..

Face it folks the average American woman is a size 12 (and that size 12 is actually two sizes bigger than the size 12's of my youth). Since the average woman is a 12 wouldn't it be nice to see a similar size on the magazines? Do you realize in the world of modeling a plus size woman is a size 8 - 12? Plus size?? size 8?? now blond girl is a size 7/8 with nice hips, flat tummy and shapely legs.. I only wish on my best day I looked like this.. but she is a plus size.. What are we telling our girls?

My girls are fortunately aware of who and what they are as individuals but still it is hard to have a positive self esteem when society is slamming it down their throats that they are fat.. Wake up folks we have been destroying self esteems since the 60's and twiggy and personally I always thought she was ucky looking.. and I gave up on things when I read an article saying Mariyn Monroe was fat.. Hello, Marilyn Monroe?? FAT?? she was gorgeous.. maybe we need to be less size absorbed and more health absorbed. The more we tell healthy looking girls that they are fat the more likely they are to become so.. or at least have an eating disorder of some kind..

Stops for a second, looks around and calming steps off my soapbox.. sorry but this is what one could say is a pet peave of mine

A New Dawn

So life has once again gotten interesting... these past two years have been dark, very dark a difficult place for me to be. Me the woman who honestly believes that there is always good, always a silver lining, the glass is always (just a bit over half full)...

I have been known to drive those who know me completely bonkers with what they call my inability to face reality. What they don't understand it isn't not facing reality it is refusing to let reality run my life.. I mean I know my life is difficult, I know I have been a single mother raising four kids on her own for 12 years now. I know life has been a series of bad choices and rotten luck for many of them. But I also know I have met some amazing and wonderful people along the way. I know I have faced my demons and walked away from them. I know that I would not have done so had my life been different. So I choose to rejoice!! I choose to be grateful for what I have no longer wallow in what I have not!

I firmly believe the true miracles in our lives come not from grand sweeping gestures from God (and yes I have had those) but in the fact that tomorrow the sun will still come up. That eventually I will have worked my way out of these troubles and found joy in my accomplishment. That I remembered to lift my burdens to God along the way, that I remembered that I am not in charge merely along for the ride and that I have been given an amazing gift of the life I have. If that makes me an idealist, one who lives in fantasyland.. then hello fantasyland!! cuz I am so not leaving..

A Week of Interesting Days

Last week I know I told you all about how I barely made my payment in time and saved all my stuff. Ends up I didn't, the storage company took my money AND sold my stuff at the same time. It seems they happened at pretty much the same time. I was devestated but dealt with it as I could.

The next day a gentleman called me and let me know if I wanted my personal stuff I was welcome to it.. just come clear it out.. If I could come up with 800.00 then I could have it all back. Remember I had just forked over 400.00 which I hadn't gotten back yet. Needless to say, I couldn't get the money and I made arrangements to come get my stuff. For one reason or another we kept missing each other.. I began calling the poor guy every half an hour or so. Finally I said I would stop pestering him just call me when he was ready and I would be there. Sunday passes, I called on Monday left a message.. Tuesday passes, Wednesday passes.. Thursday I finally gave up hope. I told the kids what was going on and we all had a good cry.

This morning, I got a call.. meet me at storage.. The amazing thing is I got to keep most of my stuff. Oh there are a few things I am going to need to negotiate for and some I wont be able to get back at all.. but in general.. He left most of the furniture, the Christmas stuff, the pictures, the framed kids artwork, a few handmade items.. He kept the computer (an old Dell), the stereos (one is 11 years old the other 5) and the tv's... any electronic stuff and the baseball cards (ouch). But in the end I came out on top..Well on top would have been keeping it all..

After going through it all, I realized I had a lot of crap... this was not a bad thing after all..

A Prayer for A Friend

Life is ever circling around us, a door slams shut another cracks open.. Friends you loved you walk away from and ones you thought were gone return. Petty arguments separate and self righteous judgments keep you apart.

I have done my share of ending relationships both good and bad.. the endings and the relationships. I have had them ended because of my attitude or self righteousness as much as I have been the ender.. life pretty much balances itself out.

Recently, I have been embraced by a dear and wonderful friend, when she was wounded by her own actions I judged and yet when I was wounded by mine, she stood true.. hmmm one of us is a darned good person. Anyway, this morning I received an early call, her son was in a serious car accident. 14 hours later she is still not sure of what will happen long term. By the grace of God he is alive.. No neck or spinal injuries and they think no brain issues.. We can fall to our knees and thank God for this but I know with my mother's heart she is quivering in hers.

I ask that each of you spend a few moments of your time offering up prayers to your maker.. asking for peace and guidance and the strength to accept His will... She needs all of this. and while down on your knees maybe you could say a small thank you for those that are in your life, safe and happy and running amuck..

If I Could Blog Back Time Thursdays - Music Show

TODAY'S TOPIC - DRIVE IN MOVIES....

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..


Today's Topic is Music Shows.. I must admit this is an interesting one for me.. we weren't allowed to watch a lot of TV when I was a kid (oh we managed to sneak it in but....) Music shows well let's see I guess I would watch the Smothers Brothers... and Laugh In and the Carol Brunet show and as I became a teenager I watched Saturday Night Live. I know most are more variety shows but that is what we watched and loved.. I know I loved the Smother's Brothers. And in a tip of to Lin (cuz we are almost the same age..) I too watched the Partridge Family.. grins who could resist David Cassidy? And then there was Donny and Marie.. I admit it I watched it.

Most of our music TV watching was done at the Grammys or what not.. and like I said the occasional Variety Show..

Lola this one was a hard one.. music played a major part in my life but I didnt really watch it on tv...

Did You Ever??

Did you ever express yourself for the sheer joy of sharing who and what you are and find out later that your words hurt someone else? Did you ever wonder why it is that no matter what you say it is the wrong thing? Did you ever try to live your own life and not make it about others and then find out that you are making it all about you?

Recently I have had some pretty crappy times, I have leaned on people and frankly I hate it. Because I hate taking from people I am not gracious with it yet with the way things have been going about in my life for the past year I have needed all the charity I can get.

The things is charity is an interesting thing, people expect something back from it. If you are lucky all they expect is for you to pick yourself up and pay it forward. The thing is picking yourself back up is hard sometimes seemingly impossible. Especially when you are being monitored and watched for mistakes.When your very words of growth are used as an attack on those who have loved you in the past.

I have been given a lot lately, by people who genuinely cared I accepted it in the vein it was offered but now I wonder should I have not.. should I have just accepted the consequences of my choices and moved on? and then I decided, I am so imperfect.. I am such a flawed and broken vessel... who am I to decide what I am worthy or unworthy of?

So today I am reminding myself of a simple and basic truth, choosing to live by it.. bring it close to my heart and truly listen to the words.. and sometimes it means remembering to love yourself..

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Piggy Poop and the Environment

I was reading the news yesterday and I cam across the most interesting article. It seems some farmers in Europe have found a way to well recycle piggie poop, they eliminate the methane gas that damages the environment, run their farms and send energy back along the grid. It seems the piggies actually poop in a certain place which sends it down a chute (yes piggies can be semi domesticated and for lack of better term house trained) Come on admit it you are laughing..

The thing is everyone was wondering if this would eventually just be another way for rich countries to buy carbon credits and say they are more energy efficient. and of course this alone will help but not fix the problem.. and that makes me think, yes it will not fix the problem but it will help it and if everyone does one thing to help the situation think how much farther along we would be.

For my part I have to think.. Remember when Al Gore said we have less than a decade to reverse the problem? I know many think he is being hysterical and over dramatic and that he is wrong but my question is... What if he is right? For that reason alone everyone should do what they can..

I Keep Missing This - Entrecard Top Droppers

Every month I want to remember, I plan on remembering and then I get an interesting thought or 100 and blog on something else. I didn't want to do that this month, you entrecard peoples have been a delight.. I have met so many wonderful new friends with such great words of wisdom, humor and compassion. I wanted to say thanks for stopping by

Dropper	# of drops
Computer Aid	30
Silver Sachet	29
The Ad Master	29
First Time	29
Dungeons and Dragons Corner	29
1 Blog and 2 Sides	29
Symphony of Love	29
Beyond Feron	29
Autism Experiences	28
Vacation Oregon	28

So while you are off gallivanting through the internet, visiting your daily blogs, take the time to stop and check out these lovely blogs..

Thank you all so very much

Shauni

All This Good News, So Why Does Life Just Suck?

So this week Word Girl comes home and tells me to call the father of one of her friend's seems they may have a job for me.. pretty cool right? I mean I have been unemployed for two freakin years and it has been really really hard, on me physically and emotionally. On my kids everyone. There are times when the only reason I made it through was because I had no choice. So I called and while they are not quite sure what they are doing as of yet, the position looks good.

Then, yesterday I got a call from the manager of this place I am living. It was supposed to be temporary but with no job finding a better place has been hard... and this place is way too expensive believe me an apt would be way way cheaper. Anyway he called and of course I thought that is it, we are out.. but NO!! He called to say that they had reduced my rates BIG time.. and I can almost afford to live here...

I have my local State Rep working on getting my missing child support check out of the greedy clutches of the CS system and there is hope for that.. I should see a check for over 600.00 soon.

So all great news right??

Well today in less than an hour and a half.. storage is going to auction off all of my things.. my entire life.. and the kids.. poof gone.. I have begged, borrowed and considered stealing from all that I can do so from.. There really is no more hope and frankly this will be the thing that pushes me over the edge..

So if I am not here for a while it is because I just plain gave up...


an addendum.. so an amazing friend said quit your witchin.. and the bill was paid.. Do you ever think God gets tired of being doubted? My God is an Awesome God

If I Could Blog Back Thursdays - Drive In Movie Theatres

TODAY'S TOPIC - DRIVE IN MOVIES....

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..



Thank you Lola for such a great topic. I think the Drive In Movie Theater played such an important part in the lives of two generations, those who came of age in the 50's and early 60's and their children. I was part of the and their children group.

My parents used to bundle up my brother and I, in our nifty little jammies and off to the Drive-In we would go. At the time they owned a 1964 Comet (which later became my first car but that is an entirely different story). Now I grew up in Southern California so we didn't deal with weather issues so much, just had a blast. I remember we would always beg to go play on the swing set, right there at the base of the screen... there was always one kid whose parents let him. We really hated that kid (yes I know the odds of it being the same kid over and over are extremely rare) . Being of the frugal sort (make that broke) my parents always brought their own treats, which included home made popcorn and drinks, please explain why it was never as good as the stuff from the theater. There was always a kiddee movie that played before the main movie it was supposed to lull us to sleep, it never did but it was a good effort. I remember this was how we went and saw All of the Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Westerns (I still love A Fist Full of Dollars) and we saw The Planet of the Apes, It took me years to realize Roddy McDowell did not look like a Monkey...

Again Lola this was a fabulous blog idea, it truly brought back some special times in my life..

Politics ....

I am very angry with the politicians and judges in California. Rarely am I truly ashamed of my state. I am usually proud to be from California and rather angry when I hear California bashing here in the Midwest but this time...

Ok proposition 8 stupid in and of itself.. Gays should be allowed the same legal and civil rights as non gays.. but it was voted by the majority to ban gay marriages... I disagree but that was the vote. Then the courts get involved and say yes we have to uphold the vote.. I don't like it but the way our system is built we have to agree with it.. But politicians being politicians (and yes our court system is now filled with politicians posing as judges) they say the marriages that were performed were legal and stand as marriages.

So if you were fortunate enough, excited enough or maybe just plain cynical enough to get married as soon as the law passed you are still married but if you waited, planned a wedding (as we all know it takes forever to get the wedding just perfect) you are pretty much out of luck.

This my friends is what I consider a loop hole.. either the law is legal or it isn't.. of course I am one of those who still believes that double jeopardy is illegal.. but that is a subject for another blog..

A Women for the Supremes...

Like I could resist the title.. I havent decided yet if I feel comfortable with the president's choice or not, as I haven't researched her career or judging history in the end what I think matters not but I feel as an American it is my responsibility to be informed. Don't get me wrong I am sure judge Sotomayer has major qualifications I am sure she is educated, articulate and decisive.. It just bothers me that she is gonna get fast tracked... We are supposed to have a system of checks and balances. The Senate and House are supposed to really look into her background and make sure she is the right choice! But because President Obama pretty much has control over both the House and the Senate it is just a scary time.

It bothers me when one party has so much power.. Machevelli I believe said it best. "Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely" Now is the time for us as citizens to stand up and DEMAND action be taken! Do not sit and complacently allow the government to make decisions (even when they may be the right ones) we need to say you work for us.. you are accountable to us and you better make sure you are thinking of us!!

With that said, I am going to do my research see if I can live with her judgements and move on...

Rejoice

Thank you all for your kind words of yesterday. Sometimes life just seems overwhelming and yet the miracles of my life are profound indeed. I give in to the darkness upon occasion it is hard not to but even then I remember how blessed I have been. Yes life is tough, it isn't what I wanted or dreamed of having. It is a challenge of Herculean proportions but so are the rewards.

For example, years ago the kids and I were literally homeless living in the basement of churches for 89 days that winter. I had the opportunity to meet the most amazing people, ones who dedicated their lives to helping others. They came to the shelters week after week.. donating their time and their hope with graciousness and compassion.

Each triumph that comes in my life is the result of hard work and a belief that life will get better that there is a purpose and that I have a place. And when those triumphs come I find that I get to stand and declare I did this.. I succeeded.. and no one can take that away from me.. It is a heady feeling..

I truly believe that each day I awake I have won the battle.. that there is hope and promise.. that there is beauty and goodness. So yes sometimes I give in to the darkness, the frustrations and the bad luck but most days I just have to rejoice. Rejoice in the fact that I am here that my children are happy and healthy and that I have been blessed with a fabulous community around me.

Oh yeah I know life is still going to be hard, the challenges ridiculous I just choose to once again rejoice instead of despair..

To Whom it May Concern

So I am frustrated a bit with life and decided to post the following letter...

To Whom it May Concern,

I used to dream of visiting the Pyramids and the Great Wall of China, as I grew up I dreamt of white picket fences and playdates, lunch with the girls. Later I would dream of the great job, exciting and fun, creative, demanding and of course sexy. Nowadays I dream of having a roof over my head and food on the table.

I am not asking anyone to provide these things for me, no I would in all honesty prefer to provide them for my children and myself on my own. Of course it seems that of all the dreams I have had this one is the one most unlikely to occur. All I want is a job and an apartment.. a place to call our own and the means to provide it. Over the past two years I have sent out hundreds no thousands of resumes. Needless to say I am frustrated beyond all belief. I am an excellent customer service rep. I have skills that companies should be fighting over and yet here I sit unemployed and incredibly depressed.

Now If I can not find a job I would love to just receive the money that is mine. The money that should come from my child support. I would like to know that I will receive my money in a timely manner. That when they have it I will not hear.. "If you don't receive your check with in two weeks give us a call back". No I would like to hear.. yes we have your money, we received it yesterday and mailed it out immediately. Why is that a fantasy instead of a reality. It can not even be called a dream.

Personally I am tired of not quite making it and wondering if I will ever again feel free of this overwhelming sense of failure. Now I understand raising teenagers is expensive and stressful so I will never be completely stress free and will be broke for quite sometime but please.. a little help here.. a job? an apartment? a place I don't have to worry day to day about whether or not I will be here tonight. A place where we can have separate rooms, well at least two bedrooms I can sleep on the sofa. The simple knowledge that yes there is food in the cupboards.. maybe just peanut butter and jelly but that we have the bread to go with it..

I know my dreams are fantasy.. it would be easier to continue to dream of the Pyramids and the Great Wall of China... and these days more likely to come true...

Sincerely

Shauni

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now if I could just figure out who to send this to...

Happy Birthday

Today celebrates the birthday of the first boy I ever loved.. I don't remember a time in my life when he wasn't there.. My first memories are of him and his sharing with me.. He taught me how to spell my name (as it is 23 letters first and back this was no mean feat) taught me how to swim, taught me how to be a little sister. Strictly by being a big brother.

My first memories are of him at the beach.. there we were two towheads covered in zinc oxide, collecting shells, learning the ways of the water, eventually learning to body surf and later to surf. He was the one I pestered to play catch with me, to ride bikes with me and to go adventuring.

At the age of 6 someone had the brilliant idea to put him on a pair of skis... oh my could he ski. I remember one of the few times as a child I went skiing with him.. I was maybe 9 so he was about 12.. people, adults would stop just to watch him go by.. he was beauty in motion. By the age of 13 he had maneuvered the Matterhorn (and not the one at Disneyland).

In high school he discovered surfing and of course he was an amazing surfer as well. There wasn't much athletically that my brother couldn't do.

Unfortunately he made some bad choices in life and has had a rough adulthood but nothing can ever take away the way he impacted my life. The way he was there for me, loved me and protected me. He turns 50 today and I can not help but think of him.. wish him well and hope he knows deep inside that he is loved..

Happy birthday big brother..

Dancing With the Stars

I admit this is my guilty pleasure I watch dancing with the stars. I enjoy watching individuals step out of their comfort zone and learn something new.. this year has been an interesting one and frankly I was sad to see Ty go..

On the three remaining dancers.. why is it everyone is so amazed that shaun johnson is focused and willing to listen, learn and well win? yeah she is cute and bubbly and all that but hello?? she has survived the international gymnastic circle and is one of the best in the world. Of course she has killer instincts..

melissa... hello was this girl the luckiest girl in the world or what? Who remembers any of the former girls from these shows? I mean I have never watched it Blond Girl figured out at the age of 11 that it was demeaning to women and she wanted to know where their pride was.. But melissa.. she got dumped on national TV and a week later is dancing with the stars and now is a media darling.. I say she got the lucky end of the deal..

gilles... ok enough said...

giggles, ok the man can dance, the man is hot, the man... welll...

Some Days You just want to curl up and sleep

It has been one of those days today.. I am just frustrated and fantasizing about banging my head against the wall.. wait.. I feel like that is how I spent the day. I am just so very fed up with the status quo..

When does it get better? I hate to complain it doesn't fix anything, it doesn't help anything and it doesn't change anything. As a matter of fact I try hard to be positive to smile and rejoice but today I just wanna curl up and sleep.. please wake me up next week..

I am fed up with not being able to find a job.. with not getting the money that is mine and always and I mean always being almost able to make ends meet. Today it is just too much..

Ok whine over... Tomorrow is another day.. yes I know and I hate Gone with the wind...

Am Amazing Ride

I admit it I love Horse racing.. It could be the pagentry, the grace, the speed, the determination to fly or it could simply be a great childhood memory.

My grandma used to take me to Santa Anita when I was a kid.. and my great grandma would bet on any horse willie shoemaker was riding.. for years I didn't realize that there was more than one jockey.

I must admit I have never gone to the track and come home with less money than I took and someday.. God willing and the creeks don't rise I will get to the Kentucky Derby.

But today's Preakness was just amazing.. I love this jockey and am impressed with his talent and dedication. I was a bit miffed with him for switching horses, I truly believe had he been riding Mine that bird he would have won.. but to watch this race.. it was a joy..

I hope you all saw it, if not then check out the reruns. it was the epitome of what horse racing should be..

Hanging on to the Money

Oh the state of Illinois is throwing a bash to be sure.. How do they plan on funding this troubled state? Oh I know.. they find ways to with hold the money passed to them that is supposed to go to custodial parents.. yes that is correct child support strikes again!!

As I have previously admitted.. I failed to change my address in time and they sent out one check to the wrong address. I have been calling weekly to see if they had received it back yet.. Seems like they did on the 14th.. Now I am hearing that even though they have it.. I won't see it for up to 60 days.. cuz they have so many. Hello?? I corrected my address.. I contacted them, they have the check... send me a damned new one!!

Oh and they are undercharging the ex about $30 a week.. no biggee.. well I could use the money but if he doesnt send that money in he gets charged interest.. and honestly it accumulates and will become an issue.. anyway right now he is at $19 interest..

Sighs.. He is unemployed and trying to do the right thing.. the govt is not taking the entire amt from his check and he is gonna get screwed for not paying..

I really really hate that the govt is involved in my child support... I mean he would just pay me weekly.. oh he would moan and complain but he would pay me.. without all the crap...

If I could Blog Back Thursdays

So I have been following Lola over at Lola's Diner and I decided to play along.. If you want to join in on the fun make sure and go see Lola's Diner and sign up..

So this week she did one on summer vacation.. WOW what a great series this could be..

I grew up in Southern California in the 60's and 70's what a veritable playground we had. I lived on a perfectly normal block with perfectly normal kids.. we would play until the streetlights came on and then come hell or high water we had better be checking in. Or the whistle.. my dad would stand on the front porch and whistle and we knew we had maybe 5 minutes to get home.. and it didn't matter where we were.. fortunately the kid network worked well and even if we were as far as three blocks away... we heard about the whistle and got ourselves home.

My mom worked nights so she spent much of her days sleeping.. in the summer she made sure we were busy.. back before the days of over scheduling your child. In the morning we had summer school. Now our program was no where near what they have now, we had this great program of drama, games, guitar, bike repair... whatever.. each class was for an hour and 15 minutes.. a 15 minute break and then a second class for an hour and 15 minutes.. My favorite year was the year I signed up for Bike Repair as an alternate choice.. I really wanted the drama program but it was full.. So I got into bike repair... oh my did the fur fly.. a girl in bike repair??? oh they did everything they could to force me to leave.. they tried to send me to all sorts of other programs but hey I had the best of parents.. they said this is what my daughter wants.. guess what this is what she gets.. of course the school did eventually win as there suddenly was an opening in the drama class.. looking back I never appreciated how great my parents were. It wasn't that they were trying to prove a point.. it was just they didn't see that there was one.

Summer school was for the first half of the summer the second half was for camp.. oh how I loved camp... I went to Camp Arbolado for 10 glorious summers.. but that my friends deserves a blog all it's own.. and when I wasn't at summer school or camp I was at the beach.. Fortunately my aunt was a school teacher (meant she had summers off) and lived at the beach so guess whose house we liked to visit?

Yes Lola summers were a fun and fantabulous time when we were children.. Was it the era? or maybe summer still holds that magic we just dont get to see it as we grew up..

Things I Think About

I have long admitted that my brain is just odd.. I accept it and pretty much keep it to myself.. I mean I hate to scare people away but sometimes I can't help but share what goes on in my mind.

Have you ever met a normal person? and if so can you please introduce them to me? I mean consider the fact that who gets to define normal.. there is also the scientific impossibility of having a normal person. Consider this...

In order to have a norm you must have two things exactly.. yes exactly the same! Since no two people are EXACTLY the same it is scientifically impossible to create a norm... THEREFORE if you are normal in actuality you are abnormal.. which of course causes me to segway into can I call you abbey???

three totally useless points to whoever gets what movie I just referenced..

Did You Ever Wonder?

Did you ever feel like no matter what you do it is wrong? Life is interesting that way.. we go through life making choices some good some bad and yet each important to our individual growth..

We find a place that is all we are ever searching for.. one that we think fulfills our deepest needs and yet once settled in it doesn't.. you look around at all of your friends and they are happy, ecstatic... you wonder why? It must mean you are missing something.. they must be leaving you out.. of course that is rarely the case.. what you are missing is you.. they are happy because they are where they belong.. you are not..

Then along comes someone and makes all of the exact same choices and he/she is blissfully happy... how can that be? The exact same choices were made.. almost as though you had followed the same instructions.. and seeing the glow, the peace in others you resent it.. like that person is stealing your happiness.. if you are lucky you don't resent the people involved just the situation.

And yet you lash out.. you fight, you struggle.. you hold on so tight you strangle those around you and still you just don't get it. Finally if you are very very lucky the light will go on.. it is not the choices it is the people.. you are making someone elses choices.. not yours.. the choices are right.. you are not.. the term square peg in a round hole exists for a reason..

Once you realize that you have much to consider and plenty to figure out.. first and foremost it is the path itself... is it yours? Are you meant to walk it with others? Or were you meant to blaze it on your own? Create your direction?? And know that others will find it and be happy after you not with you??

When you answer those questions you have to ask yourself where do you go when you reach the end of the path? do you stop and wait for others to catch up? Do you start a new path? Do you turn around and return from where you came?

Two of those answers involve leaving and knowing that others will be happy on your path.. the one you forged and created.. yet if you leave it is because it is the wrong path.. then you have to wonder can i be happy with that? Or will i be envious, angry and alone?

Finally one day you wake up and realize that you were not making your choices you were making someone else's therefore whether you stay or whether you go you will be envious, angry and alone unless you let it go..

Lessons Learned

I have been wading through a quagmire of emotions lately. In general I am a positive person to such an extreme that I have been accused of living in fantasyland.. I don't I never have I just choose to not let the bad things win. Over the past year or so the bad things have been winning.. I have lost some dear friends because I sank so deep into the abyss.. I am clawing myself out moment by moment.. I am actually quite proud of my accomplishments.

Today I was reading some blogs and I found this one Women's Self Esteem and it really just called to me. I found it to be articulate and well thought out as well as being dead on.. It reminded me that life is a series of choices and we could choose to be happy.. to be positive and to find joy or we could choose to let it all slip away and be miserable.

I find I personally prefer to be happy.. I find I no longer want to dwell in the world of woe is me... I am going to make it about others once again..

thanks Dorothy.. that was brilliant

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

Wishing all you Mom's out there the very best of days...

Swimming Uphill

It seems that no matter how sunny it appears how much better life is getting something happens that slams me back to ground zero...

The ever so lovely State of Illinois is now 4 count em 4 weeks behind..now the one check was my fault as I didn't get an address change in time.. I accept it I acknowledge it I own it but COME ON!!! The check was mailed on 04/24 and it has not re appeared yet.. Nope still floating around in limbo.. I can't have a check re printed until 30 days... if the check shows up then they will resend it to the correct address but otherwise I have to wait.

Now the consolation prize... they have this one FANTASTIC customer service gentleman who I spoke with once on Tuesday and again today.. He REMEMBERED our conversation and went out of his way to find out all that he could.. WOW!!! and stupid me I forgot to get his name.. The man should get an award.. not only did he do his job well he was nice about it...

Anyway.. here I sit banging my head against the wall.. makes me think I am should be a junebug... sorry reference to an old camp song..

Thursday 13 #7 - 13 reasons why I rejoice

So it is Thursday and I decided to join the Thursday 13 crew, for more information on this one go check out this blog and maybe come along for the fun..

13 reasons why I rejoice

1. I rejoice because God so loved the world He sent His only begotten Son...

2. I rejoice because I have healthy happy children

3. I rejoice because I am surrounded by people who love me even when they are mad at me..

4. I rejoice because I live in a country where I can be me...

5. I rejoice because I have friends who disagree with me, my beliefs, my faith, my parenting and yet they are still my friends..

6. I rejoice because it is raining today...

7. I rejoice because I have a roof over my head

8. I rejoice because I woke up today..

9. I rejoice because we have the internet... a way to keep in contact with old friends and find new ones

10. I rejoice because people around me are smiling

11. I rejoice because it is May and flowers are starting to peak up

12. I rejoice because I have a promise of tomorrow

13. I rejoice because I am loved..

Kicking the Cat

When I was in High School my principal was a huge fan of Zig Zigler.. as a matter of fact he actually taught a class based on his work.. I was fortunate enough to be able to take this class and many of the concepts have stayed with me my entire life..

One of them was the kick the cat theory... A boss is having a bad day so he yells at an employee who gets frustrated and goes home and takes it out on his wife... who turns around and lashes out at a child.. the child having no one to take his frustrations out on kicks the cat..

It is an interesting concept about being aware of the fact that your actions have consequences.. for ever action there is an equal reaction... the thing that I never got though is what about the cat??

I have spent most of my life trying not to offend people, trying to be everything to everyone.. consequently I tend to get walked all over.. in a way I am the cat.. Oh there are those who honestly love me... care for me.. would kill anyone that hurts me.. and yet they see nothing wrong with kicking the cat.. and when I fight back.. lash out or let it overwhelm me.. I am being unreasonable..unforgiving, harsh...

I guess in the end you have to choose in the beginning to not just not kick the cat but to not be the cat..

A Chage of Mind

I have waited a few days to post this blog because I really wanted to formulate my thoughts.. Recently the change of parties by Congressman Specter has really bothered me.

Not for ideological reasons but rather plain old breach of contract. The good congressman was elected as a Republican to represent his home state.. That is what he promised them.. now to switch parties mid term that just bothers me. This smacks of desperation and a man who fervently wants to hang on to his power.

Had his convictions been involved he would have maybe addressed his party.. pointed out where he felt the lacked substance and fought to serve the people who elected him. BUT NO this man all but vacated his promises... in short lied to his constituents and has no desire to serve them.

I am eternally grateful that he is not my representative.. goodness knows we have enough issues here in Illinois..

I think we as a nation of voters need to wrench the reigns back from the hands of the elected officials and DEMAND that they do their jobs which is serving us...

A Silly Sunday

I am a huge movie fan.. some of my first memories involve going to the movies with my parents. My brother and I in our jammies in the back of my Dad's 1964 Comet (could the man get a mustang?? Nooooooooo). We saw Planet of the Apes and all of the Spaghetti Westerns this way.. As I got older we would go as often as possible.. I remember who I saw Star Wars with (Colleen Couron and empoper Norton) Who I saw Indiana Jones with (Dorene Dakeen) and who I watched Karate Kid with (Rob Holden).. When I moved out there were times when I would go to the movies with my Dad as he needed a date.. even now whenever possible I bundle up the teenagers and we go to the movies enfamilie..

To that end I thought I would share a few funny quotes from The Princess Bride and the Muppet Movie... Why? You may ask.. well because...

Inigo Montoya:	Who are you?
Westley:	No one of consequence.
Inigo Montoya:	I must know.
Westley:	Get used to disappointment.

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Inigo Montoya:	You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you.
Westley:	You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die.

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Westley:

My brains, his steal, and your strength, against 60 men. And, you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy?

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Buttercup:	We'll never survive.
Westley:	Nonsense, you're only saying that because no one ever has.

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Vizzini:	No more rhymes, now, I mean it!
Fezzik:	Anybody want a peanut?

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That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwin.

-Kermit

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Kermit: "Myth! Myth!" Woman: "Yes?
-Kermit and a Woman

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Kermit: Turn left at the fork in the road

Fozzie: Fork in the road!

Kermit: I Don't believe that

( Big Fork sticking in the road)

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Our Tax Dollars at Work

With everything going on in our world, the wars, the economy, healthcare, swine flu it gives me great comfort to see our tax dollars at work..

Today several members of the BCS were called to congressional hearings on whether or not college football should have a playoff system or accept the status quo. I was at best appalled and in the very least astounded. How is it that this is something to be considered a priority in today's world. But then again it just goes to show everyone how totally messed up our governement is..

Do not get me wrong I completely believe in the BCS championship series.. I am a devoted football fan. I watch the season from beginning to end I enjoy college football immensely but it is a game and not something I would consider to be a priority of my elected officials..

I think I am angry, no I know I am angry.. There is so much more they could be focusing on..

Thursday 13 #6 - 13 reasons I am Happy it is almost May

So it is Thursday and I decided to join the Thursday 13 crew, for more information on this one go check out this blog and maybe come along for the fun..


13 Reasons I am Happy it is almost May

1. I live in Chicago.. hello april is considered a winter month..

2. I love May day.. as a child we would place baskets of flowers on the porches of our loved ones then leave (a sort of ritual ding dong ditch)

3. Flowers lots and lots of flowers

4. The air starts to warm and then dance upon your skin.. you feel it seep inside and brings you strength

5. The High School spring musical is always the First Sat in May

6. The days start to lengthen

7. Some of my favorite people in all the world were born in May

8. Memorial Day.. hey it s a great day

9. People come out of hibernation

10. Baseball is in full swing

11. Dreams start to become real

12. Summer escape is just a touch away...

13. Because May is a beautiful wonderful month full of promise and sunshine..

boy this was the easiest one ever