Monday, April 13, 2009
When Did it Happen?
When did I become invisible? Was it that first time I smiled instead of demanded an apology? Was it the time I accepted the rant that was meant for another yet spewed at me? Or was it the moment I became? Was I ever really noticed?
I have to wonder when I just disappeared? When my ability to be me was over ridden by those that knew what was best for me? When did I become so insignificant that others felt it was acceptable to push me away? To not hold me when I cried? To blame me when it rained? and the part that bothers me is I have been so preconditioned to do so I accept it.
I bust my back trying to make everything perfect often letting everyone else take the credit when I crave it so.. I listen to them spew their venom at me like I deserve it... sighs I accept that otherwise I have no value to them.. and I have to wonder when did it happen? Did it happen overnight? or was it always so?
What bothers me is that I allow it to happen over and over again.. I am invisible unless something needs to be done then I am important. And me being so damned needy I jump through hoops to make them all happy but honestly when was the last time anyone did anything for the sheer reason of making me smile? and why have I allowed this?
I don't blame everyone else well not much, No honestly I blame me.. if it weren't me then it wouldn't reoccur in every aspect of my life. I wouldn't wake up and just suddenly know I was alone. The phone would be ringing, the plans would be being made. I wouldn't have been passed over for the next shiny object.
It seems I bring others together then watch them walk away leaving me behind.. I don't belong anywhere and honestly I have to wonder why? When did I allow this to happen? Why would I allow this to happen? why would I hide behind the cloak of invisibility? I just don't get it....
I want so much I can taste it..a constant yearning NEED for something more.. but it remains ever outside my reach.. dancing in the air just past my fingertips, taunting me with the promise of what if but never landing.. never happening.. so I continue trying to figure it out stumbling along alone.. shoot my family has slowly just written me off with... when they do think of me it is with an ohhhh Shauni kind of smile and then on they go to their family functions and reunions and gathering with nary a thought that hey maybe it would be nice to include me.
My friends, supposed friends fly right through Chicago rent cars and drive to their destinations and don't call.. I sit here in the midwest a square peg in a round hole alone... and I wonder when did I let this happen? Why did I let it happen? and maybe it is because it is all I am all I will ever be and honestly that just makes me sad..
I promise eventually the sun will come up, I will smile again but right now I am just a bit lost and floundering...