Loss

Today I saw the end of a relationship, these were two of my dearest friends and it has been horrible to watch. They have pushed and pulled and struggled harder than any two people I know to make it work.

But they were probably the least compatible two people I have ever met. They were great friends, a dynamic duo but when they put it all on the line committed to each other they crashed. And as with all crashes their was collateral damage, I am sure I am going to loose one if not both of them as friends. I will offer them what support I can but in the end I was part of their family and this part they can prune.

When in conversation with her she said she was through, no more and although I saw her pain, saw her anger I can't agree. I hope honestly and completely that she can one day look up and say yes I am ready to try again. To give my heart oh not anytime soon, that would be a joke. But I want her to see that love is something that we all should strive for, that we all should accept as our due. Oh we may never find it or not completely but to turn one's back on it? To say never again? That is condemning oneself to hell on earth.

For all the failures of my marriage and there were many to have never tried at all? What a loss that would have been. To say I will never love again? No, that is not likely. Not even in the darkest days did I say never again. I believe that we as humans need to love. We seek it out, we dream of the what if's and happily ever afters.. Oh love is not easy it is work, darned hard work but it is worth it. To be able to have that one person who holds you in the night, who keeps the demons away to even have that chance that whisper of hope? Yes it is all worth it.

To risk it all and loose has is so much better than than to never risk it at all.

So We Broke Tradition

Tragically enough we didn't go to the movies yesterday.. we did go out to dinner well four of us, JR stayed home personally I think he liked the solitude.

After a wonderful dinner where we talked and didn't fight.. called grandma and accused her of having mad cow disease. We strolled over to Wal Mart and bought 5 movies.. plenty to keep all occupied for a while. I of course bought a book, the new Nora Roberts one..

I love to read.. of course I always hide my book choices cuz I still get grief from certain members of my family because I am wasting my brain.. sheesh.. oh well please no one tell Sherrilyn Kenyon, Nora Roberts, Julie Garwood, Nalini Singh, and an entire host of others..

Happy Thanksgiving

i started to write a list of all the things i am thankful for and all that appeared was a list of names.. because so many people do not want their names bandied about the internet I took them down..

What I can say.. is if you are my family you are on it.. if you have played a part in helping me to become a better person you are on it.. if you have played a part in making my life just a little bit better you are on it.. if you have challenged me and made me rethink my attitude you are on it.. if you were nice to my children you are on it.. if you were mean to my children because they needed you to be you were on it..

Thank You one and all.... I am truly blessed

New Glassses are on the Way

I guess this week has become take care of Shauni week. Monday I got my new mouthpiece, whoo hoo that was great.. Tuesday I decided that yes the silver tones of my hair is very pretty but at 46 I am just too young to have it, so I died my hair red.. not sure I like the tint but it will grow out and I can find one I like better. Actually have two in mind alreay. and tomorrow I am going to order my new glasses.

I am sad to say that my old ones are sadly lacking, not only are they being held together by electrical tape, scratched and crooked, they don't work. I have to squint to read what the letters say when I am wearing them.. I can't read the street signs oh I can still see them, I can see that there are letters on them but I can't see what they say.. that is while wearing them.

We have a place here in Chicagoland called four eyes.. two pairs of glasses plus an eye exam for under 100 bucks.. oh I am not going to get my bifocals (I take my glasses off to read anyway) and I am going to skip the transitional glasses (they don't work in the car one of the biggest places I need sunglasses). So I will be able to get the cheapest pricing available.. whoo hoo I will be able to SEE the screen when I go to the movies..

Wonder what wonderful take care of Shauni plans are in store for the rest of the week?

I Have TMJ

Yes I have TMJ, and no I can never remember what it stands for and yes I know almost every other woman on the face of the earth has it.

I have had it severely since I was 15 years old. I got a migraine one day and it didn't go away for 10 years. Back then, when we pointed out to the dentist that my jaw popped he said, yep it does.. don't chew so much gum. So I gave up gum. I have had 2 pieces of gum since I was 15 and believe me both of those pieces were better than.....

When the onset of the migraines, my parents had me tested, blood sugar yes I am hyperglycemic, eeg (is that the brain one?) all those little pinny things poking me.. nothing wrong there.. well I am nuts.. but that wasn't causing the migraine. So I dealt, had a pretty normal life, played sports, dated, sang in choirs, all of those things that normal people did, I just did it with a migraine.

In my late teens I was told that complete restructive jaw surgery would stop the popping in my jaw and the pain there. Now my family doesn't quite go for that, so that never happened.. and of course still no correlation between the jaw and the migraine.

At 25, I went to a dentist, who pointed out that my jaw popped.. well duh.. but he had a friend... and that man.. gave me a plastic mouth piece.. the next day.. my migraine was gone and my jaw had stopped popping!! WOW!! what can I say, this was a miracle, we went through 6 more months of treating the symptoms, one can not cure the problem and I was set..

Over the years I lost my mouth piece and never replaced it, the Migraines came back but never stayed so I didn't put it down to that and the popping never did. But I started having constant tenseness in my shoulders, bordering on pain. I dealt, it is what I do.. Yesterday I was in Wal Mart and bought one of those night guards.. fitted it to my teeth and jaw and guess what? yep the tenseness is gone.

I do hope if this happens again, I do not wait another 10 years to fix the obvious

Twilight

Yes, I admit it, I too am a Twilight fan. It can't be helped Stephanie Meyers wrote a really good book. It draws you in with the promise of illicit love and impossible dreams. Of course originally it was directed towards the teenage girl crowd but as with all really good books it crossed barriers, moms read it, dads read it, boyfriends read it (well if they are smart the do) and so on and so forth.

Last night I went to the movie, it was excellent. They managed to stay true to the theme of the book without too much artistic license. Edward and Bella were sufficiently angst ridden, the Cullen's were appropriately sexy and compelling and the rest of the high school kids were perfectly normal which made them so stand out. I was impressed with so very much and only had a few moments where the characters just didn't quite work for me but I am sure by 2013 I will think they were perfectly cast.

Who I did adore though, was Jacob what a perfectly beautiful young man, girls forget Edward this boy is gonna only get yummier with age and I promise that is the last comment I will make on that subject.

In short, I do recommend that you go see the film, it tells a beautiful story and manages to cross generational and gender divides both.

Life's Miracles

No, I am not back on the internet.. I do though have limited use of one in the downstairs lobby of the hotel. Not the best of circumstances but at least it provides an alternative to nothing.

A long time ago when I was the golden girl and my life was full of promise; I was considered the best of friends, the one people went to when they needed a shoulder to lean on, advice, or whatever.. then life hit and it hit hard. Over the past 11+ years of single parenthood I have struggled to put food on the table a roof over their heads and clothing on their backs. For years school clothes and school supplies were sent by my mom and Christmas? well it often happened because there is a Santa Claus, not because I had the wherewith all to provide a good one. And of course the ever ongoing struggle for money.. if you listen to their father he is the reason all good things have happened and if left up to me entirely we would be on the street. Of course this confuses me since I am here every single friggen day.. trying to give them whatever I can and his contribution? Child support and the occasional grand gesture.

But that is for another day, what I honestly want to talk about is the ongoing struggle that is seriously part of my life and yes many of it is from bad choices. I am not one to put the blame on another's shoulder just because it makes me look better. As hard as it has been, amazingly enough there have been some pretty awesome miracles along the way. Just tonight one was handed to me. Now I don't deserve such graciousness but not being an idiot I am not going to complain. For some reason even in my stupidity God smiles on me and sends me angels of grace and blessings. Just think how wonderful a tribute to Him I would be if I actually listened occasionally.

What I did want to say, is that when you are down and you wonder why those miracles never happen to you.. look around are the bills paid? Do you still have a job? healthy children? a roof over your head? Believe me the miracles are coming every day in teeny tiny little ways. Appreciate them and say a prayer in thanks for me. Remember we don't deserve our miracles we just get lucky

Loosing the Computer

The computer has been sick lately and is off to the 'puter doctor (ok phil) to be repaired.. sadly this means I will be unable to post. Now most of you will be way less devastated by this info than I am.. Me it seems like my world is ending, crashing.. all contact with the outside world a bust.. sheesh what did I do before I wrote blogs..

Anyway all have a great weekend, go see Twilight we will be.. and take just a few moments to enjoy life's little miracles

They are many and we almost always miss them

Should We Bail??

Having been watching the news recently, and seeing what is actually legitimate news I have been forced to think. Who else is going to expect us to bail them out? What other industry is going to flounder and fall? First the Financial industry, now the automobile and I heard that American Express has their hand out too.

When will it stop? When will these bastions of creed and incompetence stop and say hey we screwed up and we need to get serious? Why is it my fault that the Automobile industry steadfastly refused to see the writing on the wall? Refusing for an entire generation now to consider the need for serious alternative fuel cars? This has been in question since I was in high school (the 70's) and probably long before that when we the consumer were clueless. Not only is fossil fuel bad for the economy face it.. we dont own the majority of it. Then while they fed off the sense of false security in Americans they gleefully pocketed buckets full of personal profit. Few of them had pride in their craft, American cars were scoffed at? Buy American? not if you wanted good gas mileage or a quality car. Now they are off to Washington whining for money.. and they go in private jets? hello have we never heard of commercial airlines? Common sense seems to fly out the window and they want us, the taxpayer to bail them out? I hope our Congress serves us well and refuses this. In the long run will another bailout actually help anything?

As a single mom who has struggled to raise her kids on her own for 11 long years.. I find I resent the greed that runs rampant in the leaders of our Corporate world

Another Interview I dont Want to be Bothered With

When did we become a nation of Jerry Springer addicts? and the sad part is, it's not Springer we are watching but the every day mainstream news. I get it when we elect an official we expect certain behavior from them ok we expect horrid spoilt childlike behavior but we dream of Representatives that serve us with honor.

Governor Spitzer made quite a few stupid and well illegal mistakes, I can live with that.. well I don't like it but I can live with it. Of course He isn't going to be prosecuted but once again unfortunately such is life. The thing that irks me, well that irks me but entirely different rant, why is it that the prostitute who did the deed with him is now getting an interview on 20/20 and what one can only imagine a cushy check to go along with it. Lets see, attention and cash? seems to me this could be considered free advertising.

I am just so sick of the morally bankrupt getting attention and accolades really what do they have to offer society? Ok, lets say they provide a service and leave it at that.. but to get the big bucks for it? When did we decide we wanted to see this, when did 20/20 once a bastion of the interesting tv magazine sinks to the level of inside edition or Jerry Springer. I thought we wanted to rise to the occasion not sink to the bottom.

I guess I just dont get it, call me helplessly naive but I wont be watching that particular interview.. I think I would prefer the Starter Wife at least that doesnt claim to be anything more than what it is.

The Pregnant Man

Is it just me or does this bother anyone else? Now not the fact that a couple was able to create life and love a child. I understand that so many people want to have children and will persevere any way they can. And their odds of becoming good parents are pretty much the same as everyone else's.. You do your best and pray that you get something right.. or at the very worst they don't end up totally hating you.

No what bothers me is the entire pregnant man.. thing that the media is going ga ga over.. this is a woman who became transgendered and did not have all of her parts removed.. good thing as it turns out.. but she has female parts.. in all actuality it is a woman having a child. Oh I know she chooses to live life as a man.. well maybe to her in her inner self there was no choice.. I understand this, I accept this. But I wish the news would shut up about it, that Barbara Walters gave it more than a minutes notices totally surprises me. There are so many interesting and world changing events going on today..

Why are you cramming this drivel down our throats. This is no medical miracle, women have been transgendered before.. and women have had babies before. shoot I had four.. I get it, they are getting paid and paid well so why not sell their story but come on is this what we as a nation have sunk to? Is this really what we find fascinating?

I am a big believer in live and let live.. but please quit cramming all this crap down my throat.. I don't force feed mine down yours.. of course if Barbara wants an interview I am open and available. Hey I too could use my 15 minutes of fame.

So this Weekend We Watched Movies

For some reason TBS decided to show a weekend full of family featured movies.. We went from The Wizard of Oz, to Hook, to Yours Mine and Ours, to Goonies.. it was a fun time..

What I love is the movie Hook, I know it was supposed to be a bomb but really the statement it makes on parenting is fabulous. There are so many little things that get lost in there.. tonight I noticed the line that Maura said about how we only have a few years of our children's lives when they want us to come to their activities.. then the rest of the time we seem to be chasing them.. demanding they communicate.

I guess I sorta got lucky, for the most part they still allow me in their lives.. some more than others but enough that I feel that I am part of the daily lives of a bunch of beasties..

So today, I guess I did good

Those in Need

This morning I spent a few hours at the local food pantry, the lines were long and the stores were few.. it was a sad moment to see, in our down the local food pantry is a well supported scout troops, church groups even the local high school support it, raise funds and go on food drives. i know the local businesses give as much as they can. it is a well respected and well run facility.. and yet with the onset of winter and these trying times. it is suffering.

The lines are winding, the doors to our pantry are only open between 9-11on Sat and Wed mornings and yet today for the first time that I have ever seen, they had to turn people away. They just didn't have the food. It almost made me cry... and I know it had to have broke the hearts of those individuals who work that pantry week in and week out.. year after year. Good hearts, pure hearts who just want to make a difference.

So I am asking, this week when you are out grocery shopping buy an extra bag or two of non perishables. Canned goods, shampoo, diapers, pancake mix, cereal, hey cookies and treats.. it doesn't matter.. if every one did that and dropped it off at their local food pantry think how many more people they could help and if they did it every week.. wow that would be amazing.. If you don't have the time to do the shopping or just are unsure of what to buy... drop off a few dollars, if those same people all stopped by with a 20.. once again think how far that would stretch.

I know we are all biting the bullet, tightening our belts.. life is tough right now, but if we give and we give just a little more than we can afford in the end our hearts will be lighter our souls will shine just a bit brighter and if we make it a habit.. we can actually become better people.

I Love Words

I absolutely adore words.. the way they sound the way they trip across your tongue. they dance and flow.. skip their way through your life. To me the sheer joy of wrapping my tongue around a good word is astounding. There are times when I will use a word and just stop and pause.. liking the way it feels. I warned you all I was odd..

Anyway today I decided to post of few of my favorite words.. please feel free to add one of your own.

1. Plethora:

1: a bodily condition characterized by an excess of blood and marked by turgescence and a florid complexion2: excess , superfluity ; also : profusion , abundance

— ple·tho·ric plethoric" title=" Listen to the pronunciation of plethoric"> \plə-ˈthȯr-ik, ple-, -ˈthär-; ˈple-thə-rik\ adjective

2. Condundrum:

1: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun2 a: a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b: an intricate and difficult problem

3. Maelstrom:

1 : a powerful often violent whirlpool sucking in objects within a given radius 2 : something resembling a maelstrom in turbulence

4. Brouhaha:

: hubbub , uproar

5. Circumspect: :
: careful to consider all circumstances and possible consequences : prudent

6. Palpalple:
1 : capable of being touched or felt : tangible
*2 : obvious, plain

7. Facetious:
*1 : joking or jesting often inappropriately : waggish
2 : meant to be humorous or funny : not serious

8. Muckrake: :
to search out and publicly expose real or apparent misconduct of a prominent individual or business

9. Pantheon:
1 : a temple dedicated to all the gods; also : the gods of a people
*2 : a group of illustrious persons

10. Shunpike:
: a side road used to avoid the toll on or the speed and traffic of a superhighway

thanks to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary for the accurate definitions..

Like I said.. please leave a word..

Getting Back on Level Ground

So I have been on an emotional rollercoaster of late. Between the natural sensitivity that I was born with, which believe me is a lot, and the hormones that seem to be constantly careening throughout my body (I refuse to admit that I am pre-meni but I am) and the basic foibles of life.. the roller coaster has gone haywire.

But I am forced to remember the scene from Parenthood, with Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen where Grandma tells them how she loved the roller coaster.. how some people liked the merry go round how the stability of it's constant up and down. How they preferred it but her.. she loved the roller coaster. With it's twists and turns, careening about being thrown hither and yon.

And it made me think, is life really that bad? I have a roof over my head granted it is not the picket fence world I envisioned, I have healthy happy children.. they are strong independent individuals, the very reason they drive me nuts is because they are strong individuals. They are bright, smart and articulate and they love me.. sometimes they even respect me.. and on that rare occasion when life is perfect they like me (hey they are teenagers.. what more can I ask for?). I am healthy, I am loved and I am strong.. in the end I am lucky.

So on that note.. I trudge on recovering my balance and seeing the world as it is best viewed.. with laughter.

So Life Never Ever Does Run Smooth

I haven't quite figured out why yet but for some reason googleads have decided that my blog is a threat to their advertisers. Now I have always considered myself a source to be reckoned with.. one to fear, one to hide in trepidation when I stroll into the room. But no one ever has agreed with me. Actually I can already see my friends and family laughing as they read this.

But google in all it's infinite wisdom has decided that I am a threat.. still can't even remotely figure that out. Unless there is too much depressing blogs being written recently. So for the moment, I do not have any ads, oh I will once I am off the most dangerous list.

Until then.. oh well

Thank You

I know it is late, I have just been running a bit behind today. But late or not it needs to be said.

Thank You

John Jenson
Bill Steenburgen
Clifford Lile
Harvey Lemming
Lou Branch
King Labau
Jerry Stich
Joesph Busch
John Lill
Fred Mohr
Michael Lill
David Lill
John C Lill
Philip Judy
Al Henry
Tim Gillum

I know there are many more.. but these are the veterans who have touched my life.. so I thank them

Shauni's Blog Rules

I have to admit I am probably one of the quirkiest people I know. When I started writing blogs I created a list of rules and basically have followed them. Well except for one minor transgression I have remained pretty true to them. Today I was asked why and how I could write such depressing blogs and leave them posted when I was done. I thought long and hard about how to answer that and basically it goes back to my rules.. and I am a stern taskmaster.

So I decided to share Shauni's blog rules...

1. a blog is written from the heart at the computer.. pictures may be posted but words must come from the heart write then. An occasional pre written poem is allowed but in general even those must be written while at the computer.. off the cuff so to speak

2. any comments (and please I am ever needy and LOVE comments) must be respected and never removed

3. a blog once written no matter how depressing, intimate or embarrasing remains.. you wrote it for a reason.. keep it there

4. a blog a day is the goal.. but because that can be difficult use the occasional picture

5. book and movie reviews will eventually be part of the repertoire

6. there is no such thing as too much emotion, share of yourself.. don't hide them just because someone may be offended.

there may be more but these are rules set in stone.. not mere guidelines you can all picture me sitting her with some evil whip master standing at my back ready to flog me for failing in the rules.. as I said, I am an odd duck

The Throw Away Girl

I have often wondered what it would be like to not have been the throw away girl. I wonder what it would be like to be the one that was fought for, not the also ran. The one who didn't have to spend every single moment of her life proving she was worth the effort.

I wonder what it would be like to know that your family doesn't snicker when they say your name. Or shake their head in worry that they were proud of who you were and what you believed in.

I wonder what it would be like to be the one that was taken out and showed off instead of the one who was tolerated. I wonder what it would be like to have someone be there with you when your demons called, maybe even occasionally fighting them for you instead of pushing you out the door with a positive thought and little else.

I wonder what it would be like to be loved so deeply that your faults were overlooked instead of constantly being pointed out.

Just once I wonder what it would be like, to be the one that is valued, prized, respected.

I Just Love The Amazing Race

I can't help it I am totally adicted to the Amazing Race. I can not believe that when this show first came on I ignored it. Stuck up my nose, refused to fall for the reality show drivel. No I wanted to see people ACT!! I didn't want to see people humiliate themselves for their 15 minutes of fame. But one day my youngest came home, they had to watch the show, it was a geography assignment..

One show that is all it took!! I don't think I have missed an episode since. I was able to go back and watch all the reruns on the game show network.. yes I am that far gone. It is not just the show or the game or the relationships, although there are some fun dynamics there. Watching them interact as teams and with the other teams.

But the absolute best part.. is all of the places they go.. I want to go there, I want to see it.. I want to taste it.. They went go to the ends of the earth, they see the world.. my personal favorite was the one in Russia.. they stepped inside a church and one of the team members said lets just stop a moment and absorb this. I loved that..

Of course I don't just want to go on the show for the places they go although they are wondrous, I want to win prizes, I want to win a million bucks.. shoot I want to be kicked off and have to spend a month at a luxury location in seclusion. It all just sounds great to me.

Oh well, since I won't get to be on the show, I will get to enjoy it.. I want Dallas and his mom to win. Go figure

On Honest Heart

After my last two posts I was having trouble thinking of what I should write. Should I continue with what is going on? Keep those who showed concern up to date? Should I ignore what was going on and continue to write about everything but the elephant under the carpet? And then I read my comments, it is interesting what comes to mind when one reads the words of others.

I wrote in my blog that I was unworthy of such a miracle, and I am but in that vein aren't we all? We do not become worthy of God's grace, no we are blessed to receive it. It is a gift handed to us by God, not ours to deny nor to argue with. What we must do is accept it with grace, dignity and gratitude. I had forgotten that.

I often feel less worthy than others, that also is an interesting concept.. how does one become less worthy? If one is less worthy does that not mean then that others are more worthy? And are they? really? are we not all imperfect beings doing our best to live to our convictions.. follow our God or beliefs and struggle through the day to day? Then how could I be less worthy? Or if my humble heart went that way.. more worthy? The answer of course is that I can't none of us can. At best we can sit here astounded that God deemed any of us worthy at all.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I so often forget what has been given to me.. and more often than not need a kick in the pants to remind me.

Mircles are truly an Amazing Thing

As I stated in my earlier blog, I was sure today was to be my last with a roof over my head. Oh I knew I would survive and that eventually it would work out.. But today the miracles abound.

Obviously I received enough funds to make it through.. a gift from an unexpected source.

Then another friend mentioned the possibility of maybe knowing of a house I can move to

And Finally, an opportunity for a job from a parent of one of my son's friends..

God does work in mysterious ways.. and honestly I have been blessed.. and I am not sure why, it certainly isn't because I deserve it or earned it.

Today

Each day is a perpetual challenge.. today I am running a gauntlet and may or may not survive the challenge. Oh of course I will live that is not an issue but rather life gets tough, decisions are being made for me and I may stumble a bit.

See do to some crazy bad choices we live in a hotel room.. long story. Finances have been stretched to the limit of imagination and today.. well today they may cease to exist. It seems I live in constant fear a sword of Damocles constantly over my head.

To explain the knot of apprehension that floats within is impossible, words really can't even begin to describe my fear.. I rarely admit to either failure or mind numbing fear. For two reasons.. One, life goes on if we allow fear to paralyze us then nothing gets accomplished. We give too much power to the negative emotions that surround us and hope gets lost in the process. And failure.. well in the end if one survives one wins. So I go on, day by day.. step by step. But today fear is winning just a tad.

Be with me if you will, offer out your prayers, your energy whatever you may.. it will help me to survive today's ordeal. I thank you

***** a slight note****
I don't expect anyone to solve my problems I just needed to say them out loud

One Has to Wonder

Now that the new dawn is here.. a new president has been elected.. what next? Will we give the man the time to learn the job? or will we continue with our messiah like love for Obama. And when he stumbles and falls will we allow him to be a man? or will we look at him and scoff, mock him for his failures?

I worry about this nation, our people, we have somehow forgotten the importance of hard work. We are an I want it now nation.. instant gratification and I honestly believe that this above all of our other flaws will be our downfall.

No matter what happens, no man will be able to fix what is wrong overnight. It took years to get here and will take years to get out of. To expect a quick fix is a laughable request. I hope that in an effort to take over, the new regime (all of them not just those walking into the highest offices) remembers to walk cautiously. They hold our lives in their hands.

In my heart of hearts I can only hope that they will take the time to see what is wrong and work together to see if it can be fixed. No bailouts or quick fixes but rather hard work and elbow grease. We were once a nation of workers.. lets get that back.

Just One More Day

The recent election has really had me thinking. The sacrifices that have been made, the compromises.. even the behind the scenes deals. All of the politics as usual. As a resident of the Chicago suburbs I have a deep seeded gut reflex to all things political. Of course they are all crooks.. I mean this is Chicago after all. I know, I know that is unfair but there you have it. So having the president elect spring from the Chicago political system is scary, downright scary. No matter that he seems a pretty decent man.. who rose to power on his own wits and abilities. I know I disagree with a lot of who he is and what he believes in but that's ok, he will be my president and will receive the respect from me, that the office deserves.

But with all of the drama ensuing, the excitement of having a black president.. the basic distrust of where he came from (Chicago politics), my basic ideological disagreements.. their is one thought that rings through my head.. Just One More Day!! I can't help but find tears in my eyes at the thought of his grandma dying one day, one mere day before he was elected. One moment too soon... oh I know many of us believe that she is with him, that her spirit will bring him comfort.. but still to loose that tangible touch on such a personal great day.

It makes me sad, yet it also forces me to think.. what am i waiting for? Am I going to let even one more moment pass without saying what needs to be said? Acting on dreams put on hold? Waiting for the right moment? I don't think so.. I may not have that one more day. I may loose that last moment. I mean there are no promises.. life isn't made that way. So what we must do is live fully with what we have. Be grateful for every moment that comes our way. Even the ones that leave you confused, angry, sad.. there is a place for them.. I just hope not a defining place.

So for me, I plan to take that One More Moment and live..

Voting Made Crazy

Sometimes I have to look around at the forces that surround me and wonder.. am I just a magnate for insane? or does this happen to everyone? I am going for it's me.

Today I went to vote.. I have voted in every election except one, big or small since I was 18 years old (I only missed one and that was because of freaky reasons). For the past three years I have been going to the same polling place so this should not be a problem. Yeah.. right..

I walked in and handed them my ID... not because they asked but rather because I have an extremely unusual name and I am always trying to make it easier for others to get right. So there I have it, right on my official state document, no problem right? I have a last name for a first name and it is rather long.. but still everyone else in the United States has their first name first on their license.. why ever would I, one single individual be allowed to be different? So a 15 minute conversation ensued on what exactly is my name, then after looking under my first name, my maiden name and my married name they decided it wasn't there so I needed to go have it looked up by someone else, where I sat for another 20 minutes having the exact same conversation.. they were less than 5 feet apart!! Finally I am found but I am not registered to vote at this precinct (doesn't matter that I have voted here for the past few years and my sons were registered here). So off I trudge to the new precinct.. now full of trepidations where fortunately I was right there in the rolls. My name long and proud and only receiving the standard comments.. I voted and was on my way.

Now who was it that said we didn't have to endure trials to vote?

Remember that First Time

Remember that first sweet time?

That first sweet kiss.. @ Camp Arbolado on the rock
The first real boyfriend... who you were sort of dating when you kissed the other boy on the rock at Camp
The first time you rode your bike far away..
The first time your mom let you take the car out.. at night
The first moment when you realized you were really in love
That first moment when your child smiled at you

That first time you voted? It is amazing how some memories hold power over you. Each of the above memories are special to me.. yet today the one that holds my heart is that first visit to the election booth. Our polling place was held in a neighbors garage and I remember coming home early from school so I could be there when the doors opened. I remember the joy I felt when I dropped off my ballot turned and left. What an incredible rush! I was an adult, I had made my stand and my voice was heard!

As I have aged of course voting has become a little more ordinary, yet never quite.. never has it completely lost that feeling of power that sends chills down my spine. That single moment when my voice is shouting forth. I know many people may think that is a naive point of view.. there are so many things wrong with it all, but really there are so many things right!! and I, little ol me have the power to make a stand.

No, I dont have to wade through rivers, or dodge bullets, my gender has been voting my entire life and I don't have to cover my face to do it. There is no reward for going, just the incredible feeling of knowing that I have done something right and good and that I am part of something wonderful.

I hope you all take that moment today to vote.

Generationally Speaking

Finally, after years of debate, debacle and discussion we are on the verge of an historic election. Our time has come, our voices need to be heard.

What will we choose? A man who has spent his life in service, committed to his cause, attempting as best he could to make choices in the best interest of his country. A man who has been known to take on his own party because he knew they were wrong.

Or a man who has spent his adult life in service to his community, state and county. A man who has walked the path between racism and reality. A man has youth and idealism on his side. One who will definitely institute the change he is claiming to want to make.

It seems there are choices between two good men, but their visions are different. One appeals to our conservative side, walk cautiously and work from within and one who appeals to our radical side.. wants to upset the apple cart. The main factor here is the ideological differences. These have been formed by the experiences of a lifetime.

In the end does it matter? just VOTE.. have your voice be heard

That TIme is Now

Not to overstate my case or anything.. but Tuesday is election day, in case anyone in the country may have missed that particular piece of info. I mean this particular election has gone on for what 3 years?? Seriously though, it has seemed to go on forever and is finally close to an historic ending. No matter which way you vote.

And that is what I want to say.. VOTE.. as Americans we have the responsibility to vote. It is more than a right, you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to attend whatever church you choose. You have the right to even burn the flag.. but voting?? no that is not a right.. it is a responsibility.. just like feeding and clothing your children is a responsibility. As an American it is time to stand up and make your voice heard.. It doesn't matter if you don't think one vote matters, the entire system is based on lots of one votes... I have voted in every election since I have turned 18, this year I will be going to the polls with my younger son. my oldest one will vote on his own schedule. We don't agree on anything, our points of view are a chasm apart.. that doesn't matter. What matters is taking the extra 30 minutes out of our day and going to vote.

If you choose not to accept your responsibility, the next time you choose to complain about this great country... don't. By refusing your responsibility in my opinion you loose the right to complain... ok, you don't, but you loose the right to complain to me. I won't listen. There are countries where they stand for hours, dodge bullets, freezing weather and social discrimination just for the privilege of placing their votes.. remember that on Tuesday when your life gets raggedy and busy..

In the end your vote does matter, you are part of what makes this country great

Did Ya Ever?

Sometimes in life, there are exciting adventures.. made to share and sometimes there are those that arent yours to share.. because of a conversation I have had.. I will not be posting anymore about my mom here..

Sometimes even the best intentions lead to the wrong actions