Tuesday, January 20, 2009

When Did I Get So Angry

When I was a child, teenager even young adult I was known for my amazing ability to smile. To see the bright side and to believe that good will prevail. Maybe I was naive but when did I get so angry?

It seems nowadays I am constantly just angry, I resent so much. I am frustrated and annoyed, irked and peeved. It just seems like I lost my ability to smile for real. Oh, I can still smile when called upon but the smile of true joy has been lost.

I am angry at life in general, I don't believe I have lived a life of such disastrous choices that I belong where I am. I have not indulged, I don't drink smoke or do drugs. For the majority of my adult life I have worked (shoot for the majority of my life I have worked). I don't expect perfection but an occasional day of peace would be nice.

I am angry at the Child Support System here in Illinois that thinks it is ok to delay my checks on a regular basis and then blame it on the post office. I am angry that I don't know if I will have a roof over my head or food on the table from day to day. I am angry that I can't afford to pay storage and may loose a lifetime of stuff. I am angry that I have been so damned alone for so long and everyone just thinks oh she is such a flake...

I am angry at being judged and found lacking, mentally spit upon by those who claim to love me. I am angry that I am deemed weak when the amount of internal strength it takes to just wake up and smile is astounding. I am angry that my children instead of stepping up and helping out point fingers and expect more from me.

I am angry that I have no one to share this with, that those I do share with think it means I want them to tell me that I am a failure and deserve what I get.. and most of all I am angry because I am always angry. By nature I am a positive person so the anger seeps into my soul and makes me cringe at the bitterness that comes from me.

sorry all, today I just needed to rant, tomorrow I will be better


  1. Everybody needs to rant and vent sometimes ~
    But don't let the negative people in your life, bring you down!!!
    Misery loves company ...
    Try to focus on finding even something very small, that gives you a bit of joy.
    And let yourself smile.
    Sometimes life does suck -
    Sometimes people suck -
    But you have the choice to ignore all the SUCK going on in the world!
    I bet you still have a BEAUTIFUL smile!!!
    God Bless,
    dawn @ iowahippiechick

  2. Hi, just dropping to your EC and giving kiss in your ADS. Hoping you to check my site soon, thanks.....

  3. It's okay to rant when your frustrated and what better place than your blog? It's easy for me to say have faith and things will turn around when you least expect it, but it does happen. I have been in your shoes many times and have always made it through and so will you.

  4. Just dropped by to say thanks for advertising on my EC and I read this. I will be praying for you and your situation.