Tuesday, January 20, 2009
When Did I Get So Angry
When I was a child, teenager even young adult I was known for my amazing ability to smile. To see the bright side and to believe that good will prevail. Maybe I was naive but when did I get so angry?
It seems nowadays I am constantly just angry, I resent so much. I am frustrated and annoyed, irked and peeved. It just seems like I lost my ability to smile for real. Oh, I can still smile when called upon but the smile of true joy has been lost.
I am angry at life in general, I don't believe I have lived a life of such disastrous choices that I belong where I am. I have not indulged, I don't drink smoke or do drugs. For the majority of my adult life I have worked (shoot for the majority of my life I have worked). I don't expect perfection but an occasional day of peace would be nice.
I am angry at the Child Support System here in Illinois that thinks it is ok to delay my checks on a regular basis and then blame it on the post office. I am angry that I don't know if I will have a roof over my head or food on the table from day to day. I am angry that I can't afford to pay storage and may loose a lifetime of stuff. I am angry that I have been so damned alone for so long and everyone just thinks oh she is such a flake...
I am angry at being judged and found lacking, mentally spit upon by those who claim to love me. I am angry that I am deemed weak when the amount of internal strength it takes to just wake up and smile is astounding. I am angry that my children instead of stepping up and helping out point fingers and expect more from me.
I am angry that I have no one to share this with, that those I do share with think it means I want them to tell me that I am a failure and deserve what I get.. and most of all I am angry because I am always angry. By nature I am a positive person so the anger seeps into my soul and makes me cringe at the bitterness that comes from me.
sorry all, today I just needed to rant, tomorrow I will be better