Monday, January 12, 2009
The Only Way
I have had an epiphany!! Ok, so it is not so much an epiphany as a thought but there it is.
Recently I have been involved in a group, it has been a lot of fun. Over the past year it has helped me grow and find myself. Initially I was timid and reserved, then friendly and helpful. Finally, just me.
I write a blog for this group, it was my first attempt at blogs. It was well received and a lot of fun. It was more of a log of my journey than anything else. Occasionally I had been mocked for being over sensitive (something I have spent my entire life dealing with) but that was ok, I did use that blog as a means of expressing myself. One of the things I avoided was voicing my opinion about the actions of others. For a myriad of reasons.
First off, I don't enjoy hurting others, oh I can do it. I can be quite pithy when the desire strikes. I just regret it afterwords.
Second off, it felt too much like making judgments and who am I to judge others?
Thirdly, that blog is about my feelings and journey not those of anyone else.
That being said, I responded to an attack made against me. I voiced my opinions and it was freeing. I realized I so wanted to be liked that I was always going with the flow. Letting me be defined by those around me. and therein lies the epiphany....
I am me, in any rendition. I can use a screen name or my own. I can write about in here or elsewhere. I can never write about it at all, that doesn't make me any less of myself. I can't change myself and I have to stop trying to fit into a mold created by others. Not my family, not my friends, not my children, no one... none of their molds are about me. They love me or not, it can not change who I am or where I am headed.
Sorry about the total lack of organized thought and questionable lack of clarity...