Saturday, December 17, 2011

Wanted, Square Holes

So, I was out Christmas Shopping tonight, There I was walking the mall, seeing all the happy smiling faces.. all the families out getting pictures done, listening to what they had planned for the holidays. It was a very nice night and yet.. I felt so out of the loop.. It was like I just didn't fit in the picture. I felt like someone was going to start singing, "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong". I felt like the proverbial Square Peg trying to squeeze into a round hole..

Then I started thinking.. if the stupid pegs need to go into a round hole, why do they make them square? Hello, maybe they should change the stupid shape of the hole! Or stop making square pegs! I have been different my entire life.. I know, I always have.. Oh, I try and fit in, but I don't.

And, it's not my imagination... I think I was two when I started hearing from my mom how I had to move out when I was 18. yeah I was ok with that.. I didn't fit.. my family has these huge reunions, oh I am welcome, even wanted but you know, no one actually invites me.. It isn't about not being liked it's about not fitting in. I always seem to see things differently. I am emotional and insecure..

Over the years, I have learned to keep most things contained.. but doing that damages me.. yeah so, maybe all the round holes are happy but I am miserable.. So today, while I was walking through the mall... I smiled at all the round holes and just laughed.. I decided that honestly, round holes bore me.. I am off to find the square ones...

I can't change who I am and frankly, I resent people who expect me to... It's like, the way I was made isn't good enough for them.. I can't be angry at them, they can no more help being a round hole than I can being a square peg... I just know that this square peg is tired of the round holes expecting me to make it work.. it takes two.. if you want me.. ok, if not, let me go.. quit trying to make me what you want.. 

I have actually, removed myself from some family relationships.. and for the first time in many many years, like EVER, there is a lightness to me.. I can't let someone's disappointment in me hurt, if I don't talk to them. Yeah, some I have to talk to but I don't have to initiate contact.. I can just wait for them. Enjoy when they condescend to talk to me and go on about my business.. They can feel like they have met their obligations and I can have days, weeks, sometimes even months of peace.. WIN/WIN.. I don't have to worry about failing to meet their expectations.. why? because I stopped trying.

I know this is not very Christmasy.. but in a way it is.. I can accept others better because I refuse to allow them to hurt me.. Go ahead, be a round hole.. be happy... I can't be, I never have been and frankly, those darn holes are boring!!


  1. Christmas always seems to bring about family feelings--both good and bad. The key is to keep yourself sane during this time of demands and expectations--both by you and the others around you.

    I don't have a great family relationship--mostly by my own doing. Like you, I am not willing (nor was I ever) to modify who I was to do what others wanted me to do or be who they wanted me to be.

    I don't have anything to do with my brother--he just makes me feel bad about myself and I don't like feeling that way. So, I don't go around him. This is "uncomfortable" for other family members, but I don't care. See--I don't want to just deal with it for their happiness.

    Aw, we all have weird family stuff-- we just have to realize that we don't need to suck it up for "family" sake and just do what makes everyone but yourself happy. Be your own hole, pally! And know that I am an odd-shaped hole myself.

    But I am also a happy one. :) I wish you a HAPPY Christmas--more than anything.

  2. So I am gonna start the square hole brigade .. I can hear the complaints already.. but why just square holes? What about the oblong ones? or... *giggles*

  3. Do the: " Square Pegs " - even celebrate Christmas? I kind of thought that that was actually: " A Kind Of Round Peg Thing "!