Monday, February 6, 2012

Deja Vous All Over Again

Ever feel like Bill Murray? Not like in Ghostbusters or Caddy Shack but like in groundhog's day.. where everything just keeps repeating itself over and over and over again.. yeah, me too..

A couple of years ago I was really active in a site.. I mean totally active.. I had met a bunch of people on another site and we sorta left and created a new one. We stayed involved on the old site but the new one took all of our focus.

I was especially involved in getting people involved and working with them.. teaching them how things worked.. I worked on creating an entire world.. all the while I was also writing, wait for it, SIX blogs.. I was in heaven.. busy, active and respected..

THEN... it all fell apart.. well at least for me.. suddenly I was odd man out and the very people I had taught were pushing me out and replacing me.. it was heartbreaking.. it totally devastated me..

I even got a phone call from one of my friends that totally ripped me a new one.. to this day I am not sure that I had actually done anything wrong.. but it was easier to blame me than to look into themselves.. you know the best defense and all that.. and me being the person I am, accepted it.. took it lying down, rolled over and gave up..

If you will note my blog history you will see a total drop in posts for well over a year.. yeah, that was the worst part.. whatever was said and I won't repeat it here, but what was said destroyed my confidence and ruined my joy in simply blogging.. I kept meaning to go back but never did.. until recently about three months ago when a lot of great things were happening for me..

Then, like all things in my life.. it crashed.. and yes it hurt.. deeply, devestatingly.. I wanted to curl up and cry for days.. I didn't, I found a way to release my anger and resentment and see it for the good it was or could be.. but still that insidious doubt lingers.. I find myself wanting to get away from everything.. to escape..

And that is the gist of this post.. I got hoo.. so I am going to let others dictate how I run my life? How I post my blogs? How I go on? I am going to let something out of my control stop me? I am hoping that this time.. I get it right.. That I act with grace and dignity.. words rarely applied to me.. and see this for all the good things that could come of it..

I have decided to not live in this circular manner anymore and am breaking the cycle.. How? Well, I absolutely refuse to run off and quit blogging.. nope I am going to focus on my blogs and give them the attention they deserve all SIX of them.. *grins* I guess some things really do never change..


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