Envy

Envy is an interesting thing, it takes the most grounded of people (of which I have never ever claimed to be) and twists them until they hardly recognize themselves. Recently, I have been feeling some pretty serious case of envy for several of my old friends. I am not at a point where I get twisted up and go all evil on anyone but I get these twinges inside that hurt.

All my life all I really wanted was "that life" oh I never needed to be rich or famous (although I honestly would never have turned away from that) but I needed to be loved, needed and wanted. To be important to those around me. I have always known I was loved, at times I have realized that I was needed but rarely have I felt wanted. It is a hard burden on one's self esteem, especially when one seriously lacks self esteem.

Recently I, like many of you, have gotten in touch with old friends on facebook and I see some of their lives, the lives they created and I admit I feel envy. A strong pulling inside one time I was even moved to tears because that was supposed to be my life. Intellectually, I know that their lives are not perfect that they have trials and tribulations just like anyone else but I would love to struggle through those trials as opposed to the ones I have. I also understand that these individuals made choices that brought them there just like I made choices that brought me here. I do not want them to have less of a life I want to find out how to have that one. Of course it would be different because my history and my previous choices but still it would be good.

For now, I am working on making the right choices, to remove myself from situations that cause me inner hurt. To make sure I commit myself to my faith and my God. Not just token words but to actually live what I believe. I have failed to do so over many years and each day is a constant struggle to make the right choice. I don't know if I will ever be part of one of those relationships, honestly I don't know if I am capable of it. I do know I do something to repel people over time. but I yearn.

In the meantime, I am choosing to remember a basic commandment

Exodus 20:17

“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.”

Go UCONN

I am a huge sports fan and even more so a huge fan of college sports. I was raised to appreciate them. My parents tell the story of my dad asking my mom (the non sports fan) on their first date, to go see the 7' basketball player, a freshman at UCLA then known as Lou Al Cinder.

I was blessed in the fact that my dad loved sports but he also loved his children, all of us. We did not understand the dynamics of male/female athletes. The better player played. Well in our games we all played but we were never told that we were not any good because of gender. I remember watching UCLA, I remember them winning honestly for years and I mean years I thought there really wasn't another college basketball team worth watching. I think I was in my late 20's before I found out that UCLA wasn't considered the best and that there were other premier teams.

When UCONN first came on to the scene back in the 90's I enjoyed their rise to stardom. They were not just good they were sexy. They were ladies any young girl could look up to and appreciate. The sad fact is they were attractive, because we all know in women's sports you don't get to just be the best you must be the most attractive (thank you Don Imes, even if everyone seemed to miss that part of the insult). And the UCONN girls were just that, attractive.

What gets lost so often is they are more than pretty girls who play basketball they are the best. They have accomplished something that NO OTHER college basketball team has accomplished. Not a single one. WOW!!

We, the sports fans of America should be cheering these ladies on. We should be showering them with accolades and watching them with awe. I know many are and sadly I also know that there are many who will push them back to mere girl status. All I can say is too bad for those who do that. Too bad for any who attempt to diminish this amazing accomplishment to a gender thing. These girls are awesome athletes, awesome competitors and awesome winners.

Congratulations UCONN you did good.

ps.. this blog is dedicated to Sarah who doesn't play basketball but does go to UCONN so I had to give her a shout out.

Time to Post

It has been so very long since I kept up my regular blog that it actually feels wierd sitting here typing but it is time to get off my laziness (I would say lazy rear but since I am typing I am still on said rear) and get back to blogging.

It has been an interesting and eventful year for me. I have been working on just developing who I am and where I am headed. I have worked on reconnecting with the faithful and maintaining relationships. It seems the years of my marriage were spent in hiding and the years after were spent in habitual hiding. Not that I ever wasn't front and center rather I was emotionally distant. I put up the wall and kept everyone at arms length. Let me tell you it made for a very lonely time. In a strange way facebook has been part of my salvation. I have been able to re connect with friends and see what they are doing and how their lives are progressing.

After reading about their lives I find I am envious. I do not like to feel envy that others have wonderful fulfilled lives. I understand that none of their lives are perfect but many of them have the life I wanted. I had to ask myself, how did they get these lives? As far as I can see, most of them got it by listening to God and following His plan for their lives. Unlike me, the queen of yes I understand Your plan but can I tweak it just a bit? I have to think God just shakes his head and waits to see how I am gonna mess up a perfectly good plan this time.

It is hard for me to just follow direction. A lesson I definitely need to learn. I like the big picture but to follow the map is somehow beyond me. I need to get on that. Anyway, I am getting ever so tired of banging my head against the wall and have finally stopped to listen.

My church has this fabulous over 40's program that I dream of attending. I do not have a car and getting there will be a challenge. I am hoping it is God's will that I attend and somehow I get there. To be able to interact with like minded Christian adults would be fabulous. A few of my friends have pointed out that this is a form of singles fellowship and yes I agree that is so but it isn't for the dating factor that I want to interact with others who have some of the same life issues. Someone who gets the bone deep loneliness of being a single parent of being without a part of me.

I know there are many who thrive on being an individual and I am certainly that but I am also by nature a pack creature. I am not a lone wolf I am an alpha wolf.. sorta. I think my personality has confused many because while I have no problem caring for myself and my kids in a completely unique and totally non traditionally manner, I do need to be able to lean, to find that person to rely on.

Had I waited upon God's plan instead leaping into the big picture I would have had all that, instead I have what I have made. I have great kids and I am very proud of them. I am just so thankful that they are in my life and I can not see doing anything that would have changed having them but it would have been nice to not be so missing something the entire time I was raising them.

They are growing and almost gone and in a way so am I. In a way, I wait, I am waiting to see where the road leads and where God plans me to be. I hope and yes I hope it is part of something special, something good, something precious but if not I can only be grateful that He allowed me to be part of the amazing lives of my children. That I had that something special but still I yearn.. so let's see where the adventure leads.

A Fall Fundraiser

Our local High School Band will be going on a trip this fall.. we are throwing a fall fundraiser.. while I know most of you can not come, I thought that maybe you might want to consider donating to our fund raiser. Any person or company that donates will be mentioned in our advertising as well as thanked prominently at the actual event

To Whom It May Concern:


The Fenton High School Music Department will be traveling to San Antonio, Texas in the spring of 2011 on a trip of music education, responsibility, camaraderie, and fun. The experience of travel is one of a lifetime for most and can be a reality with your help.

The promotion of professionalism in music and the reward for countless efforts and hard work can create a lifetime of memories for the students in our community. Our community’s music students will have the opportunity of performing at the famed Alamo while on this trip, they will also be visiting such locations as Sea World, a Dude Ranch and enjoying a stroll along the famous San Antonio Riverwalk. There’s not too much time for sleep, but what a unique opportunity.

In the past, several students were not able to attend because of financial burden. Many Children have never had the opportunity to travel and this trip will provide a new and exciting experience for them. Due to the educational value of this experience, we, the Fenton Band Boosters, are making every effort to decrease that number. Every member of the band and choir has and will continue to raise funds through numerous fundraising opportunities to raise money for their trip expenses. With their efforts and yours, maybe we can avoid leaving anyone at home.

The Fenton Band Boosters will be hosting a Cocktail Dance on Friday November 5, 2010 as a formal fund raiser. At the dance we will have a Band, which is lead by a former Fenton Band Member. There will be raffles and door prizes. We ask that you, as extended members of the Fenton Community, reach into your hearts to help support these wonderful kids. We would appreciate any items that you would like to donate to help these raffles. They could be movie tickets, pool passes, dinner at your restaurant, a night at your establishment, tickets to the ball game or the Opera. We would appreciate anything you have to offer. If you feel you are unable to donate a product for the raffle but would still like to help out we would gladly accept any cash donations. All profits will go to the kids in order to make this trip the best that Fenton has ever had. Our goal is to raise $200.00 per student to offset costs. We would appreciate any donation possible.

We are aiming to have all donations received by October 15th so that we may incorporate your tremendous generosity into our program. For more information, please contact me at Shaunispeaks@yahoo.com and I will provide you with a mailing address to better expedite your donation. Also all donations will be tax deductible.

Thank you in advance for your support! With your help and generosity for our music program, we will continue to contribute to the growth and development of our future leaders!

Sincerely,



Shauni
Chairperson Fall Fundraiser
Fenton High School
Band Booster Liaison

Sometimes Life Just Cracks Me Up

So I was a little bored tonight and was skimming through yahoo.. Sometimes it is fun to see what is trending. I noticed that The Blues Brothers came up. Now the Blues Brothers is a movie that ran pretty much nonstop for years in our household. The ex was a huge music fan and the movie is fun.The kids can all quote from it, almost as much as from The Princess Bride but that is another story.

Since I saw it was trending I went to see what was up.. Did you know that the Vatican has placed it on it's list of movies recommended for catholics? Here is a quote... "On the 30th anniversary of the film's release, "L'Osservatore Romano," the Vatican's official newspaper, called the film a "Catholic classic" and said it should be recommended viewing for Catholics everywhere." Seriously everyone stop laughing! All because Jake and Elroy were on a mission for God..

This movie has been placed on the list along with such movies as Cecil B. DeMille's "The Ten Commandments," "Jesus of Nazareth" from Franco Zeffirelli," Mel Gibson's "The Passion of The Christ," Victor Flemming's "Joan of Arc," and "It's a Wonderful Life" from Frank Capra. Yes a list of classics to be sure but now it also includes The Blues Brothers!!

I suppose it is great to see that sometimes just plain fun and good music do matter but I am still sitting here and giggling!

So Word Girl and I were off to orientation this week. I must admit it was an arduous journey but we did manage to have some fun...

The adventure started on Wednesday when we realized that I needed an ID as mine had been expired I obvious needed a new one. Fortunately a good friend managed to find the time to fit me into her incredibly busy schedule and drop me off at the DMV then pick me up an hour later. Who knew going to the DMV could be fun? Somehow I managed to get the lady behind the counter with my sense of humour and we managed to laugh through the entire event. Can you believe I had a good time at the DMV? Ok that is an altogether different story. Of course I had not realized that fees had gone up and Drivers licenses were now $30.00 not a huge biggee but I had this trip planned to the penny and that was eating into my pennies..

Bright and early Thursday morning we were up for our taxi to get to the train station to get downtown. We arrived at our local station early which of course means we were able to get the earlier train.. only problem there we were rushed buying our tickets and instead of buying round trip we bought one way.. oh well we could get them coming back. Upon arrival at Union Station Word Girl started to stress about how we would miss our train or not get seats together or whatever.. so we bought a quick breakfast and went immediately to the Amtrak station needless to say we were way early, they hadn't even started to board the train that left before us. So we waited.. Finally we got on board and of course there were plenty of seats. It was a lovely ride just short of 4 hours and no hassles I really enjoyed this part.

When we got to Macomb we decided to walk to school, I had tried to find out bus info but it was too confusing online (not too much later I would find myself wishing I had done better research). The walk to the school was pleasant and not too far BUT once we reached the campus was an entirely different story. The campus is lovely it is placed upon rolling hills.. not mountains and not huge climbs but hills none the less. I thought I was gonna die.. it was HOT, HUMID and Hilly... of course the fact that I am ridiculously out of shape and overweight didn't help. By the time we were about 1/3 of the way I knew I was in trouble so I decided to mortify my daughter and ask a school employee for help. The lovely woman gave us a ride AND a mini tour of the campus. Then dropped us off at our location. Once checked in I met a family that had found the bus route.. believe me I remembered them later.. lol

The day was long.. lots of informative meetings by the last one though a migraine was setting in.. long day, no sleep, almost collapsing in the heat and not eating for one reason or another and my head was about to explode.. fortunately dinner started and we could take a break.. there were more meetings in the evening but Word Girl sweetly (and yes she was actually sweet) told me to rest and then come downstairs when they had the end of the evening fun.. I did so had a fun time, enjoyed watching my daughter interact, she is so like me.. the girls like her but she just automatically seems to connect with the males of the species.. not romantically but in friendship..

Then next morning, breakfast then more sessions.. Finally ending around 4. We waited for our bus at 5:30 which took us to the train and met our train at 6:18.. Of course during the wait more drama ensued.. ooops Word Girl hadnt realized that some of the money I had put on her card was for the trip so she had spent it. We had enough left for the metra ride home from Union Station IF they accepted debit cards.. of course by the time we found out it would be too late a phone call home got the ball rolling and a friend dropped 30 in her account (not that we knew this part as we were on the train with out good cell service).

When we reached Union Station we heard an announcement saying the train that was supposed to leave BEFORE we got in was leaving in 5 minutes we ran.. First towards the ticket station. Now since we weren't sure what they would accept and or if the money was in her account I stopped a man explained the situation and he gave us 10.00. So either way we were fine. Of course they took Visa and all of Word Girls worries were nothing but drama for the event.. but hey such is life. We made the train which involved me running Word Girl says I didn't run I waddled but hey my feet and knees thought I was running.

Our taxi was waiting at the train station another woman needed a ride to a place more or less on the way. She asked if we would share.. hello, nice lady at Western, Friend who deposits in account and Nice Stranger who gives us 10.00? OF COURSE we would share.. Got home and crashed.. It was a long two days.

ALL I can say about this trip really is..

1.Western does a nice job with their orientations sometimes they repeat themselves in different sessions but I would rather hear it twice than not at all.

2. Make sure you find out all transportation issues before embarking..

3. and this should be 1. Praise God for taking care of me.. I can be an airhead at times but God ALWAYS manages to make sure I am cared for..

4. Be sure and pay it forward.. there are many people out there who need a simple and often easily accomplished helping hand.

Disgusted by Poor Service at Papa Johns

Recently I placed an order at Papa John's Pizza and was totally offended by their service ethics. We as a family order pizza quite regularly.. way too often as a matter of fact but we do so. We usually eat at the less expensive places because face it the others cost way too much! We have tried Papa John's, Pizza Hut and Dominoes.. We each have a preference but Papa John won out because 1, it cost less and 2, they sold Diet Coke.. Their recent escapades have lost them our business, guess I will be going back to Pizza Hut.

A couple of weeks ago we placed an order at Papa John's the order included a 2 liter of Diet Coke. Now it was expensive for soda but they were delivering and I was out. When the order came the driver was very apologetic because they had run out of 2 liters of Diet Coke so they sent 3 20oz individual sodas.. Now you do the math... a 2 liter has 64 oz in it. I was needless to say shorted but what the heck I let it go.

The next week we once again placed an order this time it included two 2 liters of Diet Coke.. Once again the driver came along properly apologetic holding up his bag of 20 oz sodas. Fortunately for me... the bag only held 3 bottles, I had ordered two 2 liters so I sent him back.. Explaining that I expected 4 bottles as I should not be shorted because they ran out of soda. He came back a little later with 4 bottles.

Tonight I placed another order at for the same thing.. Low and behold they were once again out of Diet Coke and once again the driver came along properly apologetic with his 6 20 oz bottles. So once again I was shorted. I became fed up and told the driver, politely as it wasn't his fault the manager likes to cheat his customers, that Papa John's no longer had my business. That I refused to do business with a store that so lacked business ethics...

This irks me on two levels.... one they have been out of Diet Coke 2 liter bottles for over two weeks.. What is there a shortage of Diet Coke that I was unaware of? If they really have such problems could they not scoot over to Wal Mart (which is like 5 minutes away) and buy some.. I mean they have them on sale for 99cents there. The store could still make a ridiculous profit on their Diet Soda. The second reason it bothers me is because they refuse to understand that the customer should not be so inconvenienced.. I mean basic customer service would allow for the costumer to be over compensated not under. When I tried to call the store I was left on hold for well over 30 minutes.. How do they run a business when they don't take their phone calls and they short their customers?

Well it doesn't matter to me because I am no longer a customer

Who Am I??

I know so often we stand up look around and wonder not only how in the heck did we get there but who the heck are we.. There are those who are famous for reinventing themselves, most of the time we see celebrities who have mastered this. This is seen by society as a great asset, a means to longevity and an amazing talent in and of itself. But one has to wonder if all that reinventing makes them loose part of themselves and then one day they look in the mirror and the very essence of who and what they are is gone. Not even they recognize themselves.

Sometimes I feel that way, I wonder what steps I took that led me to be sitting here feeling alone and afraid. Alone because those that belong in my life I pushed away and those that I want there really don't belong. Alone because I am a social creature by nature I need to be surrounded by friends, family, etc.. somehow along the line I have become the social pariah.. you know the family joke... Oh I know I am loved, even liked but seriously who wants to just hang out with a failure now that isn't me being pitiful , sheesh I have failed in so very many endeavors that I may hold a record. Afraid, because if I stand up for who and what I am I may be alone.. oh wait, aren't I already alone? Well that makes like no sense at all.

When I was a kid I was Shauni, I was a smiling, laughing, musical child. I always had a song (usually a Girl Scout or Camp Song) in my heart. I heard laughter in the sorrows of my life. I liked Shauni, in general most people liked Shauni.. She was fun, athletic, smart, creative, assertive, strong in her personal belief.. of course she was also petrified of failing, never felt she was good enough and constantly felt unloved and overly emotional. Over the years I decided to eliminated Shauni's failings, I wanted her to be strong, independent, tough, not caring what others thought of her.

One of the steps I took was to start going by Shaughnessey (my given name.. yes it is my first name) I thought Shaughnessey said strong, unique, fearless, tough and oh yeah no one said Shaughnessey was a cute name. I became Shaughnessey but somehow I lost or squashed Shauni.. Shauni died a sad and lonely death. Her heart, her voice, her song was silenced. I never wrote, I never sang, I never cried. Oh there are those who spent a lifetime telling me to not be so sensitive but it took a lifetime for me to realize I am sensitive.. if I stop being so sensitive I amputate part of who I am. I close off a piece of my heart and face it God made me sensitive, God gave me my character traits He expected me to use them to Glorify Him..

One day I looked in the mirror and saw the person I had reinvented myself to be.. and not only did I know recognize myself, I didn't like the person I saw. She was bitter, angry, alone, demanding, selfish, self-centered and more than a little judgmental. That is so not who I am and certainly not who I want to be. I find after a lifetime I like Shauni way more than I like Shaughnessey.

I found myself on my knees begging forgiveness for the arrogance of my life and the total failure I had made of it. I finally just said what I had said once so long ago, I surrender all. Now Shaughnessey has a really hard time letting go, she has become a strong part of me and I have to ask God to teach me how to incorporate the good in Shaughnessey back into Shauni.

Don't get me wrong I don't want to turn back time.. I don't want to be teenage Shauni again, I mean shoot what woman on the face of the earth wants to go back to be a teenager, all those hormones and angst.. I want to be Shauni who learned her lesson, who incorporates God's grace in her heart, her life, her very essence. I want to be the Shauni who rejoices in the gifts she has been given, I have no plans to kick Shaughnessey by the wayside (I kinda like the name after all) but I want to once again hold that song in my heart..

When I started this blog I was slowly rambling in that direction, I mean Shauni is such a cute name... lol, it is funny how our perspectives change.. Maybe it should be called the evolution of Shauni, God's evolution not Darwin's cuz well God's makes so much more sense.

Anyway to answer my question... Who Am I??

I am God's child,
my mother's daughter
my children's mother
a blogist,
a poet,
a photographer
a sensitive soul
I am beloved...
I am Shaughnessey
I am Shauni evolved

Nice to meet you all

The Preakness

Today was The Preakness Race in Maryland. I love watching the race it is so exciting, so much enthusiasm, listening to the announcer who I still haven't figured out how they can figure out which horse is doing what. It is just great fun.

I know there are many who will go on about how it isn't a sport, well you try staying on something that large and going that fast and not call it a sport. I know there are some who call it abuse, maybe I disagree but there are those who have that opinion.

Me, I call it a great childhood memory. I went to Santa Anita Race Track pretty regularly with my grandma and my great-grandma and occasionally my mom. Just think four generations of women enjoying the track. Makes you giggle doesn't it? My Great-Grandma always bet on Willie Shoemaker if he was riding. My Grandma would get so frustrated with her.. "Mother, there are other jockeys just as good". You have to understand my Grandma to really appreciate the sentiment she was such a no nonsense woman until it came to dealing with my Great-Grandma.. guess some things never change, girls and their mothers.Now my mother was worse, she bet the horse who had the prettiest silks. Again so out of character, my mother is so very logic based and picking a horse by it's color? Grandma, she read the sheet, figured the odds and placed her bet. Me, I sorta just went on a feeling. Drove everyone nuts cuz I usually won. Honestly in my entire life I have never gone home from the track with less than I went with.

The Triple Crown was obviously something we would watch and yes back in the day Willie Shoemaker raced in it. So today was The Preakness, the second jewel of the Triple Crown. Sadly the Derby winner didn't win so no Triple Crown Winner again this year. Before the race the trainer was asked if he thought that his horse would win the triple crown, he smiled and said "well, He's the only one who can". Oh the wit.

I know this was just a babbling, a mixture of today and yesterday but sometimes it is fun to remember those snippets from your past and share them with others. Goodness knows the kids are tired of the stories..

A Sunday Past

Recently I was sitting in church and just enjoying the ambiance. I like church, I like the quiet moments beforehand, the music and the sermon. I feel being in church grounds me, gives me focus and fuels me for the upcoming week. While I was sitting there I started to think of why I liked church so much.

It dawned on me that one of the reasons I enjoyed church so much is the fantastic memories it held. When I was a kid I went to church with my grandparents, it was a small church hardly any members really a handful or two of families but it had a great Sunday school program and an even better vacation bible school. Every summer they would gather all the neighborhood kids and their friends and have day camp that celebrated Christ through games, songs and stories. And of course Bible verses, usually they held competitions for those who brought the most guests and memorized the most verses.. me being the competitive sort, well....

As I got older I switched to a church my friend recommended, it was fabulous a large congregation with music and great teen programs. This will always be the church of my heart. We had young youth directors and choir directors they got us. Soon church became the complete focus of my Sundays. I would be up for Sunday School at 9:30 and church at 11:00, each age group had their own place to sit. The junior high kids sat up front to the right. Had their own little "in" section I don't think it ever dawned on any of us that we were right there in front for the parents to keep an eye on and the Pastor to was able to make eye contact... hmm sneaky weren't they? As we aged and matured and made it to High School we sat in the balcony. I guess we could be trusted by that point.. who knows? In the evenings we had a 6:00 service that was mellower and more intimate then after church we would attend what we called an afterglow. This was time where we would get together in small groups usually by age and interact, sometimes they involved bible study and others we went to Polly's for Pie. It was just a way to spend more time together. To soak energize us for the week ahead.

I have such great memories of that church, I laugh because until I was 16 if I couldn't get a ride my parents would drive me and drop me off. Now you would think this would not be such a huge chore but well.. Sunday service was supposed to get out at noon, needless to say it NEVER did. Pastor would go on and then we would have an alter call, then of course we had to chat. I rarely got out of there before 12:45 1:00. This drove my dad absolutely nuts. Every time he would pick me up he would go on and on about wasting his time and buying the pastor a watch. To this day I swear one of the happiest days of my Dad's life was when I got my license and was able to drive myself to and from church. I don't think he ever minded handing me those car keys.. At least not on Sundays..

We had this fabulous youth choir that went on yearly trips, we went to the Navajo reservation one year, toured the East Coast one summer and the West the next and finally ended up in Hawaii. Now me being me I was very active. I loved everything about this place and these people but my favorite memory came years later. When I had moved to the Midwest and had come home for a visit. I went to church on Sunday Morning and sat in a pew. Of course I was a visitor then and hadn't been there for Over 10 years. It turns out the woman I sat next to recognized me, it was the Pastor's wife. She told me please make sure I stayed around because she was sure Pastor would want to say hello. That totally surprised me as I was never anyone special. We had a large congregation, my parents weren't active.. all I had ever been was another teenager to pass through those doors. No matter, when the alter call came I slipped out to get my kids then I was going to come back to the main Sanctuary when Pastor was free. Before I could get to children's section I heard my name being called and there was Pastor running through the halls of the church, making sure I didn't leave before he said hello. I don't think I ever told him how special he made me feel. How precious I felt.. Like I said I was no one special, just a girl who went to that church and yet both the pastor and his wife remembered me enough to want to say hello and welcome home.

I think that cemented my feelings about the importance of church in my life. I know I didn't attend for a few years and believe me I was not a happy camper. I felt hollow and left out. It is really nice to know after all these years I have found a place that gives me that same feeling. That place of peace and rejuvenation. I believe one can worship God anywhere and one should but church is a place of fellowship and community. A place where we can rest our weary souls and lean upon others. I think the number one failing people have with church is that they don't find the right place, the right group of people to interact with. I remember Pastor welcoming visitors to our church and saying "now if you don't feel comfortable here, don't stop coming to church, I have the numbers for the Baptist and Lutheran churches just down the block and I can get you any other one you want." To me that said, we are here to worship God and offer fellowship not win a popularity contest. I don't know why but that always made me feel at home.

I have no clue as to why I wanted to write this on Mother's day but there you have it....

Happy Mothers Day all you Moms out there

Poor Conan..... NOT

Call me unsympathetic but I am really tired of listening to how Conan O'Brien got the shaft. This spoiled child has lost all of my respect and I seriously doubt I will ever watch another of his shows again. The bottom line is the man wasn't doing the job his boss thought he should be doing so he got fired. It happened to a lot of us these past few years, some of us for much less obvious reasons. And frankly how many of us got a kazillion dollar severance package when we went. Most of us were lucky if our unemployment wasn't contested.

Conan was offered a job that he really didn't fit into. I mentioned this before he moved not that anyone did or should have listened to me. But face it folks there is a reason why Jay Leno has consistently won the late night wars. People like him, his humor is middle of the road. No snarky avant garde humor for him. No, just basic stuff that feeds to the masses an easy way to say good night. Now I am not saying Conan wasn't funny, I watched his show regularly and when he moved I watched it to but it was lacking. Conan didn't account for the fan base, he just assumed everyone would find him funny. Hello all you people out there we have more than the west and east coast to entertain.. we have an entire nation in between.. we have many more than teenagers and trendy 20 somethingers we have older people, people who enjoy a relaxing chuckle in the evening.. people who don't find the masturbating bear all that funny.

Arrogance is not attractive in our tv late show personality. Another reason I am fed up with the whiner is lets face it, the man went from college to writing on SNL and The Simpson's to late night comedy. He didn't spend a lifetime working for it, he has no clue what the masses like. He didn't have to walk into an empty room or a bomb in a crowd. Nope he had the keys to the kingdom handed to him. Jay Leno works darn hard for his livelihood, way harder than he needs to at this point and I am sure there are plenty who can give me a list of things wrong with him but he doesn't whine he works... Conan and his feelings of entitlement suck. In his latest interview he says he wouldn't have done this to Jay... wait a minute didn't he? Jay Leno did not ASK to leave the tonight show, no Conan was making noises about leaving late night and NBC cooked up this fiasco, initially it was Jay who was supposed to be out in the cold. Jay who at the time and ever since had the number one show but Conan wanted it and Conan got it.. Too bad so Sad it didn't work out for him.

Now Conan will land on his feet in an appropriate environment but it won't be the Tonight Show.. He doesn't have what the regulars want.. Jimmy Fallon may though. He gets that earnest simple humor even when he is being silly and late night appropriate.. but that is for way down the road. Until then I say Break a Leg Jay.. and if he keeps whining make it Conan's.. No not really. Conan enjoy the advantages you have and remember you have it WAY better than most.

Immigration Bill

What a difficult topic, sure to divide and destroy. The thing about immigration is I am totally divided on this topic. I can see both sides to a very difficult issue and if I am divided even by myself how difficult is it for the entire country?

The fact is historically this influx of immigration is actually quite circular and has occurred several times in our past, with the Chinese in the 1870's and with the Irish in the early 1800's both times we fought to limit immigration claiming too many came over, they stole our jobs and did nothing to add to society. Both times we were wrong what is to say we are right this time?

I know a man, an uncle to a childhood friend who crossed the border on the engine of a car, not hidden in the trunk or under the car no he came over hidden on the engine.. Can you imagine the pain that he must have born? To this day he bears the scars of his choice. I have a friend whose mother crossed the border in labor so she could have her child in this country in order to have a better life. I have been in labor trust me that is not an easy feat. How can we as a nation not embrace such people? People who will do anything to improve their lots in life? People who have made a difference in the lives of so many? I know both of them impacted my life.

And yet, I resent hearing of people who come here and DEMAND their constitutional rights. Demand they be given the same rights as those who live and die here. I know as a single parent I do not qualify for many benefits yet when I go to a food pantry or apply for assistance I see in the parking lot expensive cars of people who do not even speak my language and they qualify for the same things that I a citizen do not. It is very frustrating. I find that I resent hearing of someone who breaks our laws then finds a way to get an entire legislature on their side because they are being persecuted. Hey I am a taxpaying American citizen get on my side for a few minutes.

Then of course there is the case of the children... I know a girl, a lovely, delightful, intelligent girl. She has been in this country since she was about 18 months. She did not choose to come here but she did. She was raised here, educated here and wants to stay in what she truly considers here country and yet she is considered an illegal immigrant.. Shoot, she is about as Mexican (and that is her nationality I am not picking on any one country) as my daughter. She is a typical American teenager... trust me I have watcher her grow up. She wants to go to college and have a career but she is limited in her choices because she is not considered legal. To send her "back" to Mexico would be a joke the only thing she has in common is she speaks the language. Again so does my 18 year old daughter.

I guess my main grief is that our laws are being formulated by those who do not care for this country. I am sick of hearing how the president of Mexico says we should make certain things available to the people of his country. Hello, make it available yourself. Fix your country not ours.. We have a responsibility to our citizens not yours.. I know if we went to Mexico and wanted to live there, we could not own land (we could own the structure but not the land) we would have to have a Mexican National co-own the property with us. We could not get free education or free medical. Hmmmmm, the way I see it is if we provide such things for them then they should offer us the same. That is good neighbor policy. Right now our policy seems more like that of a parent appeasing a spoiled child..

Please note, I know there are many many many individuals that come to this country because they DREAM.. and I want to help them with their dreams but I wish their dreams could be realized without putting a burden on us. I know there will be those who say I am ignorant or prejudiced when actually I am neither.. well I may not be as "wise" and informed as I would like to be but I do have an open mind and I am willing to listen to the plight of the undocumented. My grandfather's family were immigrants and my grandmother's first language was Spanish so I do understand. It is just neither of them ever felt entitled to anything. They worked.. oh man they worked... for everything they had and they followed the rules in doing so. I guess that is the main point.. They followed the rules.. and yet earlier I wrote a blog about a woman named Vivian who broke laws because it was the right thing to do...

See, if I am confused about the issue of immigration as a individual, if I can see both sides with clarity how can the government be any less confused?

Sometimes I Just Don't Get It

As I have mentioned in the past I am an avid football fan. I like the NFL but I LOVE college ball. I follow several teams finding my favorites every year. Over the past few years I have enjoyed watching Tim Tebow become the fabulous player he is. I know there are many who think he will flop in the NFL for any number of reasons but today I read an article that totally ticked me off.

Please remember the NFL is an organization that allows convicted man slaughterers on their rosters, who allows players to pretty much get away with anything as long as they don't get press (and that has only changed in the past few years) but they feel that Tim Tebow may be a polarizing athlete because he stands firm and is vocal about his faith. He does not cram it down the throats of others but he does stand firm in his personal belief. That it seems is offensive to many in the NFL. Let me tell you right now if that is the reason Tim or as Word Girl affectionately calls him, Timmy, is not drafted then the NFL has lost me forever.

I read this article and frankly I was appalled. Basically it tells us that he may not be drafted because he is a Christian who stands for his belief. How did this country come to this? Where we are ashamed of those who take a stand for Christ? I know we idolize the unfit often but here is a gracious, attractive, charismatic, talented young man and because he devoted these attributes to God there are those who want him to fall. Now if he is like any other Christian he will stumble, he will make mistakes, too bad that if and when it happens the media will rejoice and make sure the entire world knows it.

Ok, I have said enough, I just needed to vent

New Books

I love summer, even when I am working I love summer. There is just so much about it that says put on your suit, grab your beach stuff and head off, time to play. Of course to me that means go play in the ocean, a difficult thing when one lives in the Midwest. When I can not head for the ocean I grab a book and the very best part about summer is all those lovely new books that come out!!

In case anyone wondered I am a book fanatic.. in a way reading is my drug of choice, there is absolutely nothing better than a good book. I am one of those that will reread a good book, something that has been known to drive my mother crazy... but that is just a side benefit. I re read books because when I read I am standing right there next to the characters and they become my friends. I am interested in them and occasionally want to go back and visit them. That of course makes me a huge lover of sequels, then I get new stories and get to touch on the lives of "friends" I have already made.

Since I am such a huge reader I thought I would share a few of the authors I love. Most of them either have a book coming out or just did.

Sherrilyn Kenyon... not for the logical minded.. what a GREAT author, she has several series out right now. I first fell in love with her as Kinley Macgregor when she was writing a historical fiction series but stumbled onto her Dark-Hunter series. Oh my goodness, the woman is brilliant. This is a series that brings, Greek Mythology (actually she uses several different pantheons but in the beginning it is mostly greek) a unique and interesting twist on the vampire genre and takes us on a most intriguing ride. She also has a few other series out which I would recommend. In short if she wrote it, I suggest you read it.

Christine Feehan... another prolific writer who currently has 4 series running. The only downfall to so many series is that you have to wait an entire year before the next book in a series comes out. She too has a twist on vampires, her Carpathian Series, is sensual, intriguing and downright captivating. Another author I suggest you read, just because she is good. But she too is not one for the overly logical.. Which means I wouldn't recommend my mom read it.

Other authors that are fun... Julie Garwood and Elizabeth Lowell. Julie is one of those writers who just cracks me up. In her earlier historical work, I was constantly thinking the hero had to be banging his head against the wall at the total insanity of the characters around him. I would just giggle... Elizabeth Lowell has some pretty great books out there, I would warn you though she is a tease, she creates these fabulous characters then leaves one or two without a story and moves on to a new series. Being the person I am it keeps me hoping for a book for those lost folks. Both of these authors write in what I call the romantic suspense genre... kinda like a Bogart film, the story is great and the romance intertwines with the plot.. not the plot is the romance.

Nalini Singh and Alyssa Day are two of my newer favorites. Both have a great series running and I am enjoying them immensely. Nalini has a series set in the future about, psychics, shape changers and humans... an interesting intertwining of the three. and Alyssa is another one who brings ancient myths to current times as she writes about warriors of Atlantis...

Jacquelyn Frank, Alexis Morgan, Christina Dodd, Gaelon Foley, Stephanie Laurens, Karen Marie Moning, Jayne Anne Krentz and all her aka's, Lisa Kleypas and the ever prolific Nora Roberts.

The only problem with reading for me is I read too darn fast.. yes I know many of you say the same but I inhale new books, once I start reading I can not put a book down until it is finished. Whether it is a Math book, a dictionary (ok, pushing it) or a novel. I LOVE reading. I suppose the benefit about reading fast is I usually finish a book the day I get it so I can put it down sooner than if I read slowly. And yes the day I get it.. I am not exaggerating.

Whatever happens I know this summer will be filled with exciting stories and crazy characters and when life gets too insane I will have a good book to hide in.

Vivian

When I was growing up we had a friend of the family, she was this strong, determined, opinionated woman. Sometimes she terrified me and others she just seemed a bit odd. Her son and my oldest uncle became friends in school and as it sometimes happens their mothers bonded. Please not the description I used for Vivian is accurate for my grandma, not that I would ever have called her odd. They were both tough old birds, in a by gone time they would have been referred to as touch broads and it would have been a compliment. My mom swears the only reason they remained such good friends is because Vivian was the only person who didn't take any crap from my grandma.

Vivian was also on the outskirts of my life when I was a child, she owned a flower ranch right next to a cemetery and when we could or needed to we were allowed to work there on weekends for cash. When I was very little (like so young I don't remember) we actually lived on the ranch. Not that it was really a flower ranch but that is what we called it. I remember as a very young child going over to the cemetery to place flowers on the graves for people as that was a service that was offered to regular clients. I also remembered getting really huffy because my brother was allowed to stand on the street corner and sell flowers and I wasn't (that is where the good tip money was) but as an adult I realize that was never going to happen, hello 10, 11 year old girl standing on a corner unsupervised leaning into strangers cars? Even in those days of semi innocence that was not done.

Vivian and her husband also owned property in Wrightwood (a nearby community in the mountains) which we were allowed to use occasionally. So we got some snow time in. No I always called her Vivian but he was Mr. , I suppose looking back that should have told me something. But as a child he always seemed to be in the background and she was larger than life. He passed away either late in my childhood or my early teens and she moved on to Hemit, where I discovered the Ramona Pageant. What a fantastic event! Their grandchildren were two of my closest childhood friends and to this day I am one of the few who is allowed to refer to the grandson by his nickname, well last we spoke at least.

The thing about Vivian was she was this amazing woman, I believe she was a teacher but I am not sure. What I do know is I wish I had known more then because I never knew her at all. It turns out that when most of the world was ignoring Hitler and then slowly started to fight, They were one of those families crossing Europe and delivering those under persecution into safety. I just heard this story in passing a few years after she died and I have regretted ever since then not knowing before. The stories we lost about these amazing people of course to them they were just doing what was right, which of course makes them even more amazing. These two people he was rather quiet and assuming (although later I was told he ran the roust) and she was this strong dominate woman (amazing what a child sees isn't it?). Yet they made such life altering changes for so very many people, they actually changed lives. They made a difference and I wish I had the chance to sit down with them and hear their stories.

I suppose that is one of the reasons for this blog, as we loose our elders we loose generations of oral history. We as a society are no longer an oral one, we are hardly a written one as we tend to need media to tell our stories now. That is ok but we also need to make sure our past is not lost. I suppose I need to keep haranguing my family for their stories, I have mentioned a few times that I would like to have our oral history preserved but have never actually done anything about it. Guess it is time.

Making It Public - Part 3

Today marks the final part for my three pronged blog on taking my faith out into the world. I hope you have enjoyed the previous two. My finally personal verse that I took with me upon leaving school was Philippians 4:13

I can do all things

Through Christ who strengthens me

Is that not a totally empowering concept? I can do ALL things. As I have pointed out in previous blogs I was an arrogant child. The concept that I could do anything was not new to me. I honestly believed that all I had to do was set my mind to it and I could achieve whatever I wanted. In a way I still do believe just that, one of my personal crosses I carry. Did you note how I conveniently forgot part of the verse?

Upon leaving school I rushed forward ready to take on the world. After all I could do anything! Anything that is except succeed, everytime I tried something I failed. I self imploded no one was out to get my I was just unable to stay on course. I became best at was surviving.

Everytime a challenge came my way I did not rejoice and accept God's support, no I worked hard to battle on, on my own. Oh I would usually complete the challenge but each success took a piece of me. My survival became my triumph there was no praise to God. There was no rejoicing no there was a smirk my battle cry became I did this all by myself. Each victory was hollow and each failure consumed me. Oh I could rationalize, I could even make myself a hero in the eyes of the world my trials had been legion, my survival an accomplishment. Of course it was my success not one single Glory to God. Forgetting or refusing to apply the entire verse is an eventual recipe for disaster. The verse is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It doesn't mean I am going to conquer the world, no it means when God shows His plans, no matter how hard, no matter how difficult it may seem, with God behind us, with the power of the Spirit flowing through us WE CAN DO ANYTHING! Conquer any crises, survive any trial and when we do it, it is not our glory no it is God's. The spotlight is removed from us and transferred to God. The glow that shines forth embraces us all

Over my adult life I have struggled and stumbled many times. I have gone without as often as I have had plenty. My life has been about feast as well as famine I have never quite managed that even keel, that nice balance, that sure and steady. Nope not me I am an all or nothing kind of girl. May I suggest if you have a choice choose a different way of living.

One of the most amazing things about God is He allows us our idiocy. He allows our struggles then when we finally admit we are lost without Him, He raises us up and uses those same struggles to bring Glory to Him. As a Child of God even our failures are God's triumphs.

As I prepared for this series I have written I went back and really read all of my verses. Went straight to the Bible and refrained from going from memory. I took the time to really do my research to make sure I do not take quotes out of context or misrepresent God's word. In doing so I was so amazed when I re-read this verse. I not only read the verse but the ones previous to it. Instead of just Phil 4:13 I think I should embrace verses 10-13

(10) I Rejoiced in the Lord greatly

that now at length you have

revived your concern for me. You

were indeed concerned for me

but you had no opportunity

(11) Not that I am speaking

of being in need for I

have learned in whatever

situation I am in to be content

(12) I know how to be brought low

and I know how to abound in any

and every circumstance

I have learned the secret of

facing plenty and hunger

abundance and need

(13) I can do all things through Him

who strengthens me.

WOW! Praise God for truly I have been blessed.

Looking back this almost 30 years I realized that I would choose these same three Bible verses to carry forth with me.. Oh I would hope I will do so with humility and grace. That I would take advantage of all the words God gives me through His book but I will always treasure these three verses.

For God so loved the world.

They that wait upon the Lord.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

LUCKY LUCKY me, I am loved.

Making It Public - Part 2

Upon leaving High School in 1980 I was completely prepared to go forth and live my life for Christ. Well as prepared as an 18 year old can be for facing the adult world. I was well armoured and ready to become a soldier of Christ (a phrase from my childhood) more than that I was excited. I had my armour, my shield and my banner and of course those three verses that I had claimed as my very own.

Number 2 was

Is 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength

They shall mount up with wings as eagles

They shall run and not be weary

They shall walk and not feint.

One of the benefits of attending a private protestant high school is the fact that they not only teach you the bible they expect you to incorporate your learning into your everyday life. We used bible verses as part of each of our classes, clubs and teams. Each group would pick a verse that they felt best described them and would use it as part of their meditations, in a way it was another form of a mascot only this time it was the mascot of our faith. Is 40:31 was something of an "it" verse back in the day. It was used frequently it didn't hurt that it had been put to music and was sung often during chapel as well as at church. Our softball team even used it as our team verse so obviously it must be a good one..

Can anyone tell me what a child can possibly know about waiting, this is the age group that invented the phrase "are we there yet". As a teenager waiting means dreading that the phone won't ring and you won't have a date for the weekend or waiting for the results of a particularly difficult test, or waiting to see if you made the play or the team or won the election. Or standing at home plate and waiting for that perfect pitch. Needless to say I had no clue what waiting was and even less on waiting upon God.

When I left school I had such great plans, fantastic hopes and dreams. I had no idea how I was going to make these plans, hopes and dreams happen only that surely they would all fall into place. I knew God had plans for me I even had an idea of what they were. Even now all these years later I believe that. What I didn't understand was that God didn't just have plans for me He had a plan! I knew I was supposed to be a wife and mother. I knew that God had these plans for me, that this was where I would serve God best. Accepting these plans would be defying my family but I understood that I needed to follow God. And yes I said defying. My family expected me to be a doctor, a lawyer, president, a career woman. An interesting mover and shaker. So believe me when I say being "just" a wife and mother was a defiance. I was told "no one has a right to freeload like that" that I was "wasting my brain" and other such things.

Because of the way I was brought up I honestly believed I was "sacrificing" my life for God. But I am an arrogant fool, God gives you your gifts does that not mean He expects us to use them? And when you follow God's plan for you, you do it in His time not yours.

When I was 22 I met a man, a totally unsuitable man, one who had been wicked and wild

divorced not once but twice but he had turned his back on that and was dedicated to family or so he said. He was a good son a dedicated father, charismatic and sexy. He was the flame and I was the moth circling it until I was all but blind to God's plans. I knew I was getting older (ok, stop laughing I was 22 that is old when you are 22) and I needed to get on with God's plan. I was so afraid that no one was going to want me (again not waiting for God and certainly not trusting in Him) no one would love me that I would be alone for the rest of my life missing out on the chance to be wife and mother I rushed into a relationship. Looking back, knowing the two of us as I do now I have to admit I not only rushed into it I forced it. What a disaster!!! I survived a marriage that can easily be described as hell on earth. No joy, no happiness, no life of living according to God's plan. There was misery, despair, disdain, drudgery and contempt. God was not a part of my marriage! I am lucky that God did not abandon me but no instead He continued to protect me even in my arrogance. I stayed in that fiasco of a marriage for 10 long years before finally ending it.

Even then I did not as for God's guidance I knew what had to be done. Yet with every wrong choice, every time I rushed forward knowing what was wrong and ready to fix it all by myself. God blessed and protected me. Why? well not because I am some prize of a follower nope because He loves me and has plans for me. It took me a long long time to let go and really let God. I would pray but then I would start bargaining, then I would ask for forgiveness and say I knew I wasn't supposed to try and bargain with Him, then I would ask for help but I would lay out my plans and let Him know how I needed His help. I did not listen to what He wanted done and I certainly did not wait upon His plans.. Oh arrogant, arrogant child. Can you not just picture God sitting there shaking His head after we finished our little talks? I am so lucky that God did not give up on me.

Now I find myself praying not for what I need as much as for the ability to wait upon God's timing. That I will learn to listen not control. Even as I write this I wonder at my motives. Am I truly trying to share what God has done in my life? Or am I trying to manipulate God's plans again? See one of the negatives to rushing God's plans is that when He speaks you are not quite sure if it is Him. I mean we don't get a lot of burning bushes these days. So you tremble and pray it isn't once again your ego and arrogance taking charge trying to "fix" things.

I submit these words to God asking Him to use them as He sees fit, even if that means He doesn't use them at all. I hope finally I am on the right path and am using one of the gifts He gave me in a manner that becomes Him. and yes, I am praying that I learn to listen and wait.

Making It Public - Part 1

Recently while I was at church part of the sermon was about Making Your Faith Public. This caught my attention. I started writing about my faith and the three bible verses that have made the hugest impact in my life. Instead of writing one huge blog I decided to break it down into three parts this is part 1.

On June 13, 1980 I graduated from Whittier Christian High School. I was full of faith both in God's love and in my ability to accept God's plan in my life and to live a rich and full life in Christ. I left fully armed with the shield of my faith. I was well educated in my faith and inspired by three Bible verses. They were my banner that proceeded me, that declared my faith to the world.

The first was John 3:16 what I believe to be the very foundation of the Christian belief

For God so loved the world

He gave His only begotten Son

So whosoever believith in Him

Shall not perish

But have eternal life.

Pretty basic, God loved us enough to send His Son. To live as man, a perfect life then in His Prime, well I suppose due to the time He was probably pushing towards the end of the average life span but no matter. Anyway At the age of 33 He was accused, tried and convicted of I guess NOT being the Son of God. He was mocked, vilified and finally crucified left to die a horrid and torturous death. We all know the story it has been told over and over again, in film, on TV, in our homes, at our churches. It has been told so much it has taken on almost mythic proportions. Passed along until it has reached fairytale status. We will see the verse blazoned on poster board at a

What an arrogant child I was and like the sheep The Great Shepard claimed us to be I followed the path of least resistance. Seeing the verse I would shake my head, silently mock the person who dared post it, occasionally I would quote it to myself or to those around me, to show my intelligence and Christian education.

One day I started to think just what that verse means. I am a parent I have four beautiful, wonderful children. God more than blessed me with these fabulous shining stars. They constantly bring joy and light into my life. They make my world a wondrous place to be. I watch them grow and develop see them starting out on the paths of their lives, see the things they may accomplish and the people they may become. I have a fierce love for them, intense and proud as only a parent can be. Now as an adult a parent I look at that verse and think. God loved the world - ME - so much He sent His Son to die for me, to be mocked and tortured and crucified for me. So my sins can be washed away.

Let me put this into perspective, real honest perspective. I have a deep and true love for several people the love of a friend to others and general brotherly love to the world. The love that one of God's children should show to the world. Even then knowing that I care, that I want to spend eternity in heaven with you all. There is NO WAY, NO CONCEIVABLE WAY, that I would allow, let alone send forth one (let alone my ONLY one) of my children to suffer such humiliation. To sacrifice even a hair on their heads (ok that is extreme but you get my point) to die for anyone's sins. To let them go KNOWING in advance what would be done to them. Yet God, in His amazing grace did just that. He sent His perfect Son down to live among us, die for us, to die for me..

Oh arrogant vain me, never again will I presume to understand what real unconditional love is. I can only begin to discover what an amazing gift God gave me. Now when I see that verse, plastered on poster board waving in the end zone at a sporting event or on a leaflet, I will not mock that person. No I will give thanks to God because He loved me so much. I will give thanks to God that someone is out there reminding me how much God loved me. Shoot I may just go make a few poster boards myself. I will do what I can to make Jesus' sacrifice a commonplace fact. One every single person I know is aware of. Then I will rejoice that I was given such an opportunity.

And Life Goes On

Each day has a special challenge and gift. I firmly believe it is our choice in how we handle both. Do we accept our challenges and use our gifts? I know I don't. In so many ways day to day life wins over and over and over again. I forget to smile, I forget to say Thank You, I forget that my life is pretty darn good.

Last month some ucky things happened and I think for the first time in a long time I accepted them with grace and dignity. I faced a challenge head on instead on meandering around it trying to control things. I have a hard time letting go of control. I never thought of myself as a control freak but 10 years married to an alcoholic and 13 years raising four kids on my own I tend to micro-manage everything. I don't mean to, I just don't have time for the silly stuff (insert any other term here you would like).

How does one show one's inner self? I used to be very open with sharing who I was, I liked me.. I was silly and fun and clever and witty and then I tumbled down into the abyss of alcoholism (not mine but my spous') and spent so many years trying to fix things make them work that sadly my children don't even know the real me. They don't know the person who laughs at life, who values those around her and chooses to enjoy each day. They see a boring drudge who can and will manipulate those around her in order to make life work. I don't necessarily regret doing that because sometimes we had food on the table and a roof over our heads provided by the force of my personality alone. But after a while it takes something from you. In a way you are selling yourself.. prostituting yourself. At first it makes perfect sense but one day you wake up and realize what you have become and how far you have tumbled. You realize that each teeny step has dragged you farther and farther away from who you are and what you were meant to be. Then you look ups and see the incredibly long path you have to take to get back to where you started... and continue down the correct path.

I am not complaining, life is good, really. I have healthy happy children... God has blessed me. They all have an amazing sense of self and are aware that while life is not always easy it is always blessed..

Oh well so much for my ramble of the day

The Time Has Come

It is that time of year that all parents of college age children abhor.. yes it is the dreaded Fasfa time...

I will be filling out, re reading tax forms, re filling out and questioning the very way I spell my name until I hear from the Federal Government that my child has received funds.. Oh Joy of Joy. Of course I can rejoice it is way easier now than it was 4 years ago when I did it the first time and I hear that was a piece of cake to the original fiasco of forms the gov't designed to assist parents of college bound children.

Now there is an oxymoron if I ever heard one, Government assistance... oh I do crack myself up!!

This Just Drives Me nuts

I am a little late this year on one of my rants but the other one is an ongoing drive me insane rant...

First off the old one.... The parade held on New Years Day in Pasadena is the Tournament of Roses Parade.. also commonly referred to as the Rose Parade. It is not and never will be the Rose Bowl Parade. Yes I know news casters, sports analysts and even Jay Leno seem to think other wise but people they are WRONG!! The parade came first, was in existance for several years then the sponsors of the parade decided that it would be nice to have an annual football game to go along with the parade. They built the Rose Bowl, the Tournament of Roses committee or organization or whatever you want to call it still owns the Rose Bowl facilty.. Anyway they built it, some members even went so far as to mortgage their houses to help finance it. To call the parade the Rose Bowl Parade is an insult... if anything the game should be called the Rose Parade Bowl... Like that is going to happen a bunch of men acknowledging the power of flowers? And another thing when I turn on the parade I want to watch the parade... This year NBC was horrible.. I saw an awful lot of Al Roker and the chickee babe who hosted the parade with him but hardly any of the parade.. I changed to channel 7. Honestly I miss living in California the most on New Year's day when you can't even see a good showing of the ROSE PARADE!!

And another thing... why is it that the news insists that we are sending 40,000 TROOPS to various spots.. we are sending 40,000 soldiers.. a troop is a group of people, I am assuming that the term Troops would then mean multiple troops. It sincerely irritates me to have to listen over and over again to the "troops" being sent hither and yon, knowing that the yahoo saying it is referring to individual soldiers not the extensive group they are going with. Please someone get a clue!!

OK, all done now

The New Year

It has been a wild 6 months and I find it hard to believe that I have managed that long without a computer. What crazed insane world have I been living in? I mean how can I contact friends? Find out what I missed on the soaps? Read the paper????

Seriously it has been a time of healing for me because as I tend to do I go obsessed with my online life and forgot about the rest. Now I am working very hard on getting life back in balance.. I have friends, yes I am actually going out with them occasionally... a movie, the bookstore, a get together.. wow.. what a difference from this time a year ago when I sat in a room and waited for life to come to me..

Today when I came to the library I stepped in and said hello to a friend (who happens to run it) she was surprised not just to see me but to see that I had on a nice sweater, jewlery and even a touch of make up.. all just because I wanted to go to the library. Nothing more special than that. It is great that I am finally getting out of the dumpy mom stage of my life. It has been a long, very very long haul but I am getting there.

For right now, until I actually do get a computer writing this blog is going to be sporadic at best, don't worry I will be around to occasionally comment on what ever crosses my mind. I know you all have been devestated without my regular doses of what I call wit..

Have a wonderful January all, remember go outside enjoy life don't get trapped like I did.. eventually the trap is sprung and you have to figure out how many decades you missed