Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Who Am I??
I know so often we stand up look around and wonder not only how in the heck did we get there but who the heck are we.. There are those who are famous for reinventing themselves, most of the time we see celebrities who have mastered this. This is seen by society as a great asset, a means to longevity and an amazing talent in and of itself. But one has to wonder if all that reinventing makes them loose part of themselves and then one day they look in the mirror and the very essence of who and what they are is gone. Not even they recognize themselves.
Sometimes I feel that way, I wonder what steps I took that led me to be sitting here feeling alone and afraid. Alone because those that belong in my life I pushed away and those that I want there really don't belong. Alone because I am a social creature by nature I need to be surrounded by friends, family, etc.. somehow along the line I have become the social pariah.. you know the family joke... Oh I know I am loved, even liked but seriously who wants to just hang out with a failure now that isn't me being pitiful , sheesh I have failed in so very many endeavors that I may hold a record. Afraid, because if I stand up for who and what I am I may be alone.. oh wait, aren't I already alone? Well that makes like no sense at all.
When I was a kid I was Shauni, I was a smiling, laughing, musical child. I always had a song (usually a Girl Scout or Camp Song) in my heart. I heard laughter in the sorrows of my life. I liked Shauni, in general most people liked Shauni.. She was fun, athletic, smart, creative, assertive, strong in her personal belief.. of course she was also petrified of failing, never felt she was good enough and constantly felt unloved and overly emotional. Over the years I decided to eliminated Shauni's failings, I wanted her to be strong, independent, tough, not caring what others thought of her.
One of the steps I took was to start going by Shaughnessey (my given name.. yes it is my first name) I thought Shaughnessey said strong, unique, fearless, tough and oh yeah no one said Shaughnessey was a cute name. I became Shaughnessey but somehow I lost or squashed Shauni.. Shauni died a sad and lonely death. Her heart, her voice, her song was silenced. I never wrote, I never sang, I never cried. Oh there are those who spent a lifetime telling me to not be so sensitive but it took a lifetime for me to realize I am sensitive.. if I stop being so sensitive I amputate part of who I am. I close off a piece of my heart and face it God made me sensitive, God gave me my character traits He expected me to use them to Glorify Him..
One day I looked in the mirror and saw the person I had reinvented myself to be.. and not only did I know recognize myself, I didn't like the person I saw. She was bitter, angry, alone, demanding, selfish, self-centered and more than a little judgmental. That is so not who I am and certainly not who I want to be. I find after a lifetime I like Shauni way more than I like Shaughnessey.
I found myself on my knees begging forgiveness for the arrogance of my life and the total failure I had made of it. I finally just said what I had said once so long ago, I surrender all. Now Shaughnessey has a really hard time letting go, she has become a strong part of me and I have to ask God to teach me how to incorporate the good in Shaughnessey back into Shauni.
Don't get me wrong I don't want to turn back time.. I don't want to be teenage Shauni again, I mean shoot what woman on the face of the earth wants to go back to be a teenager, all those hormones and angst.. I want to be Shauni who learned her lesson, who incorporates God's grace in her heart, her life, her very essence. I want to be the Shauni who rejoices in the gifts she has been given, I have no plans to kick Shaughnessey by the wayside (I kinda like the name after all) but I want to once again hold that song in my heart..
When I started this blog I was slowly rambling in that direction, I mean Shauni is such a cute name... lol, it is funny how our perspectives change.. Maybe it should be called the evolution of Shauni, God's evolution not Darwin's cuz well God's makes so much more sense.
Anyway to answer my question... Who Am I??
I am God's child,
my mother's daughter
my children's mother
a sensitive soul
I am beloved...
I am Shaughnessey
I am Shauni evolved
Nice to meet you all