Saturday, November 19, 2011

Lesson Learned!!

Yes this will be a self congratulatory post.. I can't help it.. I have actually managed to do something I have NEVER been able to do.. I SHUT MY MOUTH!! Yes that is right..

I have this amazing ability to stick my foot in it.. yeah, a lot of the times I am right but at what expense? When I was a kid, I was the best at seeing the good in people and accepting their verbal batterings with a smile.. somewhere along the line I decided that I needed to change and stand up for myself.. in theory good.. in reality.. not so much.

I agree, verbal battering is bad.. it's abuse and yeah I sucked it in for a lot of years while growing up. I still do with some people.. when I respond I sound bitter and angry.. petty.. and they sound reasonable.. they aren't but my resentment doesn't change them. I had to decide that I was handling it wrong for me and figure out how to handle it right. The way I see it I have three choices..

  1. Accept that the person is not going to change and if you want them in your life then you just have to accept that this is the way they are.. Doesn't make them right.. just makes it who they are
  2. Remove that person from your life
  3. Fight back.. 
There are problems with all three choices.. accepting a person who belittles you constantly, means the verbal abuse continues.. and I am here to tell you it does.. You have to be really strong to deal with this kind of battering.. day in and day out and honestly.. most people aren't.

Removing a person from your life.. hard, especially if it is someone like a parent, spouse, child, sibling.. you know a relative.. You KNOW they love you and if you explained that they were abusive they would be appalled or worse *rolls eyes* point out how sensitive you are... Yes you can remove some negative forces but removing all is hard..

Fight back.. yeah did I mention that doesn't work out so well with me? I always get hurt when I do this.. Either I sound like such a flaming witch, others turn away or I am so intensely passionate, once again I look like an over emotional twit.

Recently two things happened.. and I have handled both situations differently..
The first one was extremely personal and I won't go into it.. but I decided on a combination of 1 and 2.. I have to accept this person for who she is but I can do it on a very limited basis.. I don't have to be the one to initiate the relationship interaction and I can accept that things will never be where I want them to be.. In a way, I did some serious pruning to that relationship. I feel like this burden has been lifted from my shoulders.. one that has been there for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to live without it.. If I ever knew..

The second.. well a case of a person telling me how to behave and represent myself.. yeah.. the words were there.. I had a pithy response right there.. I was ready to blast her.. I worked up a spreadsheet for pete's sake.. But then, instead of giving it to her with both barrels.. I shut up.. yeah.. I refrained.. I took evasive action and have redefined how I am going to deal with this person.. Believe me that is a HUGE Step forward for me..

Life is going to get interesting because both of these people are in my life to stay.. at least for a while.. I just need to know how to work with them to my benefit.. not to let them win in my inner self..  Not to give them power over me.. the me that matters.. it will take time but every day.. each step along the path helps..

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