Ever since Blond Girl's incident and consequent trip to the hospital I have been basically unable to get back into the groove of things.. It seems I am always just a bit out of step.
This is frustrating for me because I have spent a very long time and a lot of effort to fight anemia, depression and frustration. To find that I had settled into a rythmn of sorts and yet this one just through me for a loop.
It is hard juggling my life because I have this split very public/very private life. As many sufferers and survivors of abuse do I keep my troubles very very close. I don't share with others what is really going on in my life and when I do, things are usually better. Then I have no problem sharing, well some things..
I just feel battled, bruised and not the victor in day to day life right now. Alone, abandoned and completely without my support base. I have plenty of lovely acquainances and many people who have stepped out and offered a helping hand.. but few friends, if any.. who call and say hey, let's hit the show. Or want to discuss what I am reading.. I created this wonderful and fantastic new site and I have no one to really share it with.
Then of course there is family, sometimes I wonder if I did the kids a disservice.. I feel disconnected from them, while they have become that cohesive unit I always wanted them to be. They will never feel like they are unwanted or unappreciated amongst their siblings.. They will never feel like there they sit with their faces to the window.. on the wrong side, seeing a lovely family unit, knowing that they should be a part of it and yet, aren't.
Yeah, I am suffering a setback.. I know I can not rely on anyone to define who I am except myself, but it would be nice, if just once.. one of those people who claim to care for me got it.. got that while I am not some week useless creature (that most of my family sees me as) I am also not that strong fortress (that most of the community sees). I am me, no more, no less.