TurnBack Tuesday

Hmmm.. I got this picture today.. it's a picture of Blond girl.. BUT those are my arms in the background.. I am thinking I want those arms again..

After years of internal debate I am fed up.. I have to do something about how I look. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror and heaven forbid I get a picture taken.. So... I have decided I am going to get my arms back...

Yes folks.. I am holding myself accountable and going to post my weight loss journey here.. While I can not really turnback time I can turn it back enough that I have the shape I used to.. Since my shape is so well.. round.. right now no matter where I end up.. will be a shape I used to have.

I am not going to post my actual weight or how much I want to loose.. well not until I actually loose it BUT I will be posting weekly pictures and stuff..

So to start it off.. this is what I look like NOW..

Yeah that is me sitting in front.. I actually allowed my kids to take a picture with me in it.. grrr.. next year it will look way better!!

Music is Alive and Well

I spent Thanksgiving with my family at Hair Boy's this year.. it was a wonderful event and yeah I most certainly have a lot to be grateful for.. The list is endless and most of it circles around my four amazing kids but that is for another blog..

What I want to write about is something I learned. Hair Boy is an amazing musician and has started on his life's path of creating his own. He has direction and goals something he did not inherit from either his father or myself as we are both loaded with talent and have NO drive..

ANYHOW... Hair Boy had a show Friday night.. it was fabulous.. in this room above a bar.. 4 acts.. with amazing music with French Lyrics played in between sets. Yeah I want that CD.. didn't think to ask who it was of course. The thing that made me happy, other than the fact that he dedicated his show to me.. was the fact that Indie music is alive and well. I had honestly thought that that era was gone. That everyone was mainstreamed and totally boring.. but no, there is an entire culture out there with wonderful music.. wanting to share.

One of the artists was a young lady named Haley Jane She had this wicked wit along with a beautiful voice, excellent presentation and soul searching lyrics.. I would most happily purchase her music which you can do so Here.

I completely enjoyed the atmospheric room, the great music and the sometimes intellectual conversations about music. I also liked watching the way the kids were dressed. From Classic Rock to Steampunk it was great! It taught me that there is hope for those who dream. That if you search for it you will find what you are looking for. You just have to be willing to fail.. and not afraid to try..




I am so going out to find the Indie poets and writers I want to be a part of this..

Michelle Obama bood at NASCAR

This bothers me on so many levels.. 

First Lady Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden were grand marshals at today’s NASCAR season finale at Homestead-Miami Speedway, appearing as part of their charitable campaign to support military veterans and their families. Both of these ladies have worked really hard on this program one that every American should be supporting.. This is not a political thing this is the right thing.. and we should be proud that the two most powerful women (ok Oprah isn't involved.. but the next two most important) in our country think it is important enough for us to be aware of it. It is so important that they went to a NASCAR event.. why? because a HUGE sector of our military comes from the NASCAR fan base.. Do you really think they woke up one day and said.. hey let's go to a car race?

And yet.. they went.. to honor those who serve by offering support to their families.. You don't have to like President Obama.. you don't have to like his wife.. but as Americans we should support and respect the office and what it represents and yes that includes his wife.. Even more than what they were there supporting.. they were there representing something precious.. Us.. if you don't like them.. VOTE.. ok, how many of you VOTE? yeah.. I thought so.. and yet people sit and boo the first lady for being what? married to the man who dared to try and make a difference?

This isn't about being a Republican or a Democrat it's about being an American.. It's about respecting something bigger than we are.. More people need to learn basic manners.. *sigh* yeah and vote darn it!!

Lesson Learned!!

Yes this will be a self congratulatory post.. I can't help it.. I have actually managed to do something I have NEVER been able to do.. I SHUT MY MOUTH!! Yes that is right..

I have this amazing ability to stick my foot in it.. yeah, a lot of the times I am right but at what expense? When I was a kid, I was the best at seeing the good in people and accepting their verbal batterings with a smile.. somewhere along the line I decided that I needed to change and stand up for myself.. in theory good.. in reality.. not so much.

I agree, verbal battering is bad.. it's abuse and yeah I sucked it in for a lot of years while growing up. I still do with some people.. when I respond I sound bitter and angry.. petty.. and they sound reasonable.. they aren't but my resentment doesn't change them. I had to decide that I was handling it wrong for me and figure out how to handle it right. The way I see it I have three choices..

1. Accept that the person is not going to change and if you want them in your life then you just have to accept that this is the way they are.. Doesn't make them right.. just makes it who they are
2. Remove that person from your life
3. Fight back.. 

There are problems with all three choices.. accepting a person who belittles you constantly, means the verbal abuse continues.. and I am here to tell you it does.. You have to be really strong to deal with this kind of battering.. day in and day out and honestly.. most people aren't.

Removing a person from your life.. hard, especially if it is someone like a parent, spouse, child, sibling.. you know a relative.. You KNOW they love you and if you explained that they were abusive they would be appalled or worse *rolls eyes* point out how sensitive you are... Yes you can remove some negative forces but removing all is hard..

Fight back.. yeah did I mention that doesn't work out so well with me? I always get hurt when I do this.. Either I sound like such a flaming witch, others turn away or I am so intensely passionate, once again I look like an over emotional twit.

Recently two things happened.. and I have handled both situations differently..
The first one was extremely personal and I won't go into it.. but I decided on a combination of 1 and 2.. I have to accept this person for who she is but I can do it on a very limited basis.. I don't have to be the one to initiate the relationship interaction and I can accept that things will never be where I want them to be.. In a way, I did some serious pruning to that relationship. I feel like this burden has been lifted from my shoulders.. one that has been there for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to live without it.. If I ever knew..

The second.. well a case of a person telling me how to behave and represent myself.. yeah.. the words were there.. I had a pithy response right there.. I was ready to blast her.. I worked up a spreadsheet for pete's sake.. But then, instead of giving it to her with both barrels.. I shut up.. yeah.. I refrained.. I took evasive action and have redefined how I am going to deal with this person.. Believe me that is a HUGE Step forward for me..

Life is going to get interesting because both of these people are in my life to stay.. at least for a while.. I just need to know how to work with them to my benefit.. not to let them win in my inner self..  Not to give them power over me.. the me that matters.. it will take time but every day.. each step along the path helps..

And The Broncos Win!

I LOVE IT!! While I am not a Bronco fan I am a Tim Tebow fan!! No, not one of those crazed people who does the "Tebow" all over the place, nor one who assumes he all but walks on water... nah, I just plain ole like the kid!. He is polite, considerate, a hard worker and committed to his faith... and THAT is the problem.

This young man has been more vilified than anyone in football EVER.. yeah the Penn State fiasco will blow over... OJ Who? Vick, you mean the current football darling? Favre?? yeah all those names get skipped over to insult and defame a young man who not only believes in God.. but does everything he can to live the life. Oh, I am sure he isn't perfect but of all the sports figures out there, this is a young man I have no problem with my children admiring..

I know he is a Christian.. and oh yeah he is HUMAN.. one day he may stumble from his convictions.. make a less than Christlike decision and then I am sure that they haters will dance with glee..

But for now.. The Broncos in a desperate need to win put Timmy in.. and oh how he has delivered. Not with glory but with grace.. ok, inner grace cuz his football is UGLY.. I love listening to everyone say oh yeah sure he's good at you know HS or college football and his style won't work in the NFL.. hey guys? It's working.. Why does it work? Because he makes those around him play better.. He inspires and elevates he has the something.. His team mates have been known to say that when he is in they just play better.. hmmmmm guess it's that intangible that broadcasters can't define.. I hope he continues to develop his skills and becomes that premier football player he should be.. but for now.. yeah I am giggling... Go Timmy

A Death

Recently on the news I saw a story about a town grieving.. a 10 year old girl came home from school.. asked her mother if she could be homeschooled.. her mother, a working mother said no... as would most of us.. the little girl went to her room.. Several hours later her sister found her in the closet, hanging from bar with a scarf wrapped around her neck.

This poor baby had had enough.. she couldn't take it anymore and decided to end her life. I saw this and just cried. Were the signs there? Did they even know what to look for? Our children are under constant daily attack.. and we are often so busy we put their complaints down to minor issues.. The little girl came home and asked if she could be homeschooled... Did the mom even know enough to ask why? If she did.. did she know the despair that her daughter was feeling? Did she understand that bullying is more than kids beating up on other kids. Yes that kind is bad BUT it is far worse, when one is battered by words.. a slow insidious drip.. at best it wears away at self esteem and does a life time of damage.. at worst.. well a 10 year old girl died..

I can't help putting myself in this mother's shoes.. Blond Girl for years had a stomach issue.. acidy stomach, heartburn.. yeah I blew it off.. turns out she has the makings of an ulcer.. For years she has had breathing and or passing out issues.. light headed.. no one even the nurses took her seriously.. turns out she has syncope.. a very real disorder..

PITA Boy got in trouble once in band for being where he wasn't supposed to be then reacting very negatively to the discipline enforced on him. I was appalled!! I read him the riot act.. turns out Word Girl had been there.. and PITA Boy was hanging out in that place to get away from a constant barrage of verbal abuse by one of the popular kids.. When I found out I went to the school and DEMANDED that this other child receive at LEAST the same punishment that my son received.. That of not being able to perform Middle School Night at the local HS.. yeah.. didn't happen.. The other Boy was a talented member of the band and a teacher fav.. He was not seen as someone who caused problems.. Bullies, real bullies, seldom are.. They have power, charisma, charm.. whatever. This other boy got to perform... the teacher tried to BAN PITA Boy from even attending.. yeah I in your faced her and pointed out.. it was a HS event and she had no power there.

I went to the Principal every day for weeks trying to get this boy punished.. according to the district's very By Laws.. there was NO TOLERANCE for bullying and there were witnesses.. Other than his sister.. of course anyone who knows Word Girl knows.. she won't put up with crap from her siblings and had no problem telling it like it is.. if they were in the wrong.. shoot if she just THOUGHT that they were in the wrong she made sure others knew it.. This boy was never even reprimanded.. He got away with it.. why? Because he was popular, charming and charismatic and PITA Boy was ADHD, stuttered and needy..

My point here is often we don't see what is happening, we don't understand the damage done and we don't fight hard enough to demand our children's rights.. Oh not the right to be in the advanced classes, when our child is at best a C student.. or not the right to make Varisity sports.. No the right to be treated with dignity and respect. Bullying is WRONG.. pure and simple.. but we need to learn just what it is and how to recognize it..

I weep for this poor baby and her family and her poor mother.. who will always wish she had taken just a little more time.. She did what probably every other mother in the world would do... and yet she lost her precious baby to despair..

Just Made Me Giggle

Saw this and had to admire the wit and the ability to put things into  a perspective that today's mind understands

Seriously?

Sandusky just totally gives me the heebie jeebies.. This is his defense? We were horsing around? On what planet is this acceptable? Sandusky.... Adult... vs 10yr old CHILD!!

I had decided to put this behind me not beat it into the ground but the man is an idiot! He needs to shut up and listen to his lawyers.. maybe they will just lock him in a hole for life that way.. otherwise someone is gonna go ballistic on him.

I am a mother of sons.. more than that, the mother of sons whose father was not in the picture.. and yes.. they found male mentors.. Paul Mackey, Andy Armentano, Dave Davis, Dave Toler... I can add more but those four were HUGE influences in my children's lives.. and not ONE OF THEM horsed around naked with them in the showers!!

Each and every one of them got it.. mentor yes.. naked shower play NO! Yes there was comradery! Yes there was goofing around! But these men knew that there were lines not to be crossed. Thank GOD!! that my boys were lucky enough to find such amazing men to show them what a REAL MAN is.

Of course there are the responsibilities of the parent.. believe me each of them knew me as well.. and there is not a doubt in any of our minds just what I would have done had they even considered betraying my trust and behaving inappropriately with my children. AND My sons knew to come to me.. there are some secrets we just don't keep!! I was not a perfect mom.. go ahead and ask my kids, I understand there is a list longer than Santa's as to what I have done wrong.. but no one and I mean NO ONE was ever going to mess with my babies..

We Got Your Back Pat

Earlier this year Univ of Tennessee Women's Basketball Coach Pat Summit announced that she had early onset dementia. Pat has done more for women's sports than any other female EVER.. yeah that may be just my opinion but when she started coaching basketball at Univ of TN.. women's sports were still an after thought..

Patricia "Pat" Head Summitt (born on June 14, 1952 in Clarksville, Tennessee) is an American women's college basketball coach. She is currently the head coach of the Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team. She is the all-time winningest coach in NCAA basketball history of either a men's or women's team in any division. She has been coaching since 1974, all with the Lady Vols, winning eight NCAA national championships, second only to the record 10 titles won by UCLA men's coach John Wooden. Summitt is the only coach in NCAA history, and one of three college coaches overall, with 1,000 victories. She was named the Naismith Basketball Coach of the Century in April 2000. In 2009, the Sporting News placed her number 11 on its list of the 50 Greatest Coaches of All Time in all sports; she was the only woman on the list. In 36 years as a coach, she has never had a losing season. (Wikidpedia)

Back when women hardly played sports let alone coached.. Pat stepped up and has changed the world of sports.. She had done it with integrity and grace.. and deserves every moment of praise she receives.. She was back on the court last night coaching her girls.. I hope to see her there for a long long time..

Practice Your Gratitudes

Feeling down? Life stressing you out? Out of work? Children driving you crazy? Well it's time to practice your gratitudes.. Seriously! We can not change so very many thinks in our lives.. but we can be grateful for the postives. Have you ever noticed that the bad always seems to take us over. Life is hard.. and we struggle.. and yest there are those who are happy.. why? Because they know they have something to be grateful for.

It doesn't matter what it is.. there is always something. I used to by nature practice my gratitudes and I was a happy self confident person.. then along the way I started listening to so many people who would tell me to get my head out of the sand, face reality and stop pretending life was wonderful and I got bitter and mean.. and sank into a depression that it has taken me years to get out of.. And how did I get out.. finally? Why, I started practicing my gratitudes..

I woke up (I figure if you do this one you are pretty much ahead of the game)
I am healthy, overweight and under exercised but healthy non the less
I have four amazing children.. who are healthy and whole..
I have a roof over my head
I have friends
I have family (yes even if they do drive me nuts, they are there)
Someone gave up their seat on the bus for me today
Someone held the door open for me when my hands were full.. shoot someone held it open just to be polite..

See there is always something to be grateful for.. today I am going to make sure that I practice my gratitudes..

Thank You

This is one of my favorite posts...

Thank You

John Jensen

Bill Steenburgen

Guy Lile

King LaBau

Harvey Lemming

Jr Branch

John Lill

David Lill

Fred Mohr

Joe Bush

The Veterans who helped shape my life.. who do you have to thank?

And Yet I Doubt!

As many of you know, financially my life has not been what I can call secure.. even when at it's best it was a constant struggle to raise four kids in today's world and to well be able to pay for it. We have muddled through.. but there are times when I wonder if we are going to make it. We ALWAYS do..

For some reason, my child support checks were yet again going absent.. you must understand on very few occasions has it been the ex's fault. The gov't garnishes his wages so when he works, I get paid. And to be fair.. the man worked!! He gave all of his best parts to his job.. of course when the economy tanked.. he lost his job.. got it back as a temp and then lost it again.. so now we are dealing with unemployment and the temporary agency's need to contest said unemployment.. I have a problem with that, but that is a different story.

I was unable to contact him, so I went and tracked him down.. understand that we don't have a bad relationship all things considered.. you know, I do all the work and he pays what the gov't makes him.. anyway, I found him and he is not looking good. It kind of hurt because this was just a beautiful man and to see what alcohol has done to him, hurts..ok.. still not the point.

When I found him, he explained that his money was on hold and who knows when he would see unemployment again.. ok.. life sucks but I can deal, seriously I only have until July anyway.

I came home and was told, the bill that needed to be paid.. TODAY.. was paid.. how? Well PITA Boy paid it.. I was confused, I knew he had no money.. well seems like he got paid a day early.. I know.. to many this is not a miracle.. but think about it.. I had a need.. and God provided.. what exactly would you call it?

I have often in my life failed God... but HE HAS NEVER FAILED ME!!

Giving Away Your Power

I admit it, I am one of those touchy feely types.. not the actual touch part it took me forever to be able to let a friend hug me just to say hello.. and seriously when strangers do it.. yeah drives me nuts.. but... emotionally, I am one of those that lets things get under my skin.. and stay there.. letting the words of others affect me. I shouldn't. I should let those words slide off of me. I don't and that is the problem

I have spent most of my life being told that I am too sensitive that I needed to deal with it and not be such a wuss.. Over the years I have learned that MOST of the time.. this is actually their problem. I am sensitive it's who I am.. I don't have to change to make others happy.. They can learn to deal with their own issues.. and if I want to cry.. then you know what? I am gonna cry. It makes me feel better..

What I do have to work on is giving others the power to upset me. Yeah, I am one of those that remembers.. I won't say hold a grudge although when someone hurts my kids.. I have the memory of an elephant.. That is not what I am talking about.. No, I am talking about those words that are usually said without thought.. offhand, whatever.. but those words slip under my skin and fester... and then there are the words that are said for just that purpose.. to hurt. The best thing I can do is forget them. DO NOT GIVE THEM POWER.. One day I am going to learn how to do just that!

Joe Frazier,RIP

Joe Frazier was a huge part of my childhood... I was raised by an honest to goodness sports enthusiastic. It didn't matter the sport if they were talented.. if they were good then he loved and appreciated them.

My Dad loved Boxing, although I was raised that Mohammed Ali (Cassius Clay, when I was really young) I knew who Joe Frazier was and what he meant to the sport.

In a sport that Americans have triumphed in Olympics after Olympics, Joe Frazier was the ONLY one to win a gold medal in the 1964 Oylmpics. He was the heavy weight world champion from 1970 - 1973 back when people paid attention and cared about boxing..

Who, even non boxing fans, could forget the "thrilla in Manilla"? The iconic Frazier/Ali heavyweight champion fight held in Manilla. The name Joe Frazier meant something... integrity, blue collar... he was the working mans champion.

It is sad to see him go, RIP Joe Frazier.. you made a difference, in the end what more can we ask for?

Joe Paterno and Penn State

Sure he's the winningest coach in college history.. sure he's an example to working octogenarians everywhere.. Sure he even seems like a nice guy.. But he needs to go.

In the late 90's his asst coach, and assumed golden child predecessor was caught molesting a child int he showers of the locker room by a grad student. The student went into his office and called his father who told him to get the heck out of there. When he got home they called the Dean.. not the police the Dean.. who discussed it with his fabulous coach and they decided to let the asst coach go.

Yes that's right they released him from his employment. They made no mention to anyone but the inner sanctum about what he had been caught doing. They didn't tell his charity.. yeah the one that helped out "troubled" boys.. And even though they let him go.. they still allowed him access to the campus and the locker rooms.. They treated him like an honored guest not the criminal that he was.

It has finally come out.. and everyone from the governor on down says that Joe Paterno is not the subject of the investigation. I am appalled..sadly I am not amazed as cover up seems to be the way of the world, if you have money, or can bring money in... The school needs to step up and say.. Joe, you are a nice guy we like you but sorry.. you screwed up big time..

A child's life was RUINED.. and no one did anything because it might have made the school look bad.. WOW.. lovely priorities.. I am glad my child is not looking to attend school there..

Just Dragging

Ever since Blond Girl's incident and consequent trip to the hospital I have been basically unable to get back into the groove of things.. It seems I am always just a bit out of step.

This is frustrating for me because I have spent a very long time and a lot of effort to fight anemia, depression and frustration. To find that I had settled into a rythmn of sorts and yet this one just through me for a loop.

It is hard juggling my life because I have this split very public/very private life. As many sufferers and survivors of abuse do I keep my troubles very very close. I don't share with others what is really going on in my life and when I do, things are usually better. Then I have no problem sharing, well some things..

I just feel battled, bruised and not the victor in day to day life right now. Alone, abandoned and completely without my support base. I have plenty of lovely acquainances and many people who have stepped out and offered a helping hand.. but few friends, if any.. who call and say hey, let's hit the show. Or want to discuss what I am reading.. I created this wonderful and fantastic new site and I have no one to really share it with.

Then of course there is family, sometimes I wonder if I did the kids a disservice.. I feel disconnected from them, while they have become that cohesive unit I always wanted them to be. They will never feel like they are unwanted or unappreciated amongst their siblings.. They will never feel like there they sit with their faces to the window.. on the wrong side, seeing a lovely family unit, knowing that they should be a part of it and yet, aren't.

Yeah, I am suffering a setback.. I know I can not rely on anyone to define who I am except myself, but it would be nice, if just once.. one of those people who claim to care for me got it.. got that while I am not some week useless creature (that most of my family sees me as) I am also not that strong fortress (that most of the community sees). I am me, no more, no less.