Thursday, June 20, 2013

When the Juggling Stops

Day to day life can be scary.. There are bills to pay, children to feed, lives to lead.. sometimes when juggling you drop a ball.. and for some reason picking it back up and starting the juggling again is just too darn hard. 

This happened to me a few years ago.. I lost my job and somehow my carefully constructed house of cards collapsed.. first I lost the apartment.. then I couldn't find a new job (this has NEVER happened to me before) then I just sort of gave up. It was too darn hard to keep going. Oh sure at this time three of the kids were still in school so I made token attempts at getting life going. But when I wasn't doing something for the kids I just sort of hid.

Yes, depression.. I know.. it probably was but I have worked with depression most of my life.. I just keep going.. one foot in front of the other until I get through water ever needed to be gotten through. This time it was just too darn hard. I gave up. In some ways I am still dealing with that.. 

I need to leap.. to take that scary first step and will be doing so soon. Just too darn scared to figure out how to do it.. 

I have been given enough chances to hide.. enough chances to try and now it's time.. but folks it's scary.. This time I am doing it for me.. not for the kids but for me.. and honestly, doing it for the kids was easier.. I HAD to take care of them, that was my job.. my reason for being.. but I did that job and I did it very well.. they have all fled the nest and now... well we will see


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