Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Just One Moment Can Change Everything
As you know, I am trying to deal with a lifetime of ignoring things. Or rather a lifetime of using the talent of ignoring things as a way to cope with my surrounding world.
I have never really ignored things.. I just refused to let them affect me. Not always a good thing because you spend so much time pushing them down, ever deeper that you aren't even aware that they are corroding you.
Years ago (I was pregnant with PITA BOY) we were all home for Christmas, the last time. I hadn't seen my older brother in years. He has had a hard and difficult life.. anyway, it had been years since we had seen each other and I was really excited. But, one single comment ruined the entire experience for me. And in a way ruined another part of me.
I used to be a nervous giggler.. when I was angry I either cried or giggled but when I was in a tense situation I giggled. It was an escape valve.. let some pressure off. But you see, I wasn't allowed to feel pressure. What did I have to feel pressure about. I was the "good" child. Honestly, folks do you even realize how hard it is to constantly be the "good" child? The one that can be pushed aside because she is happy all the time? Or whose issues are not as important because, well she is happy and smiling? The one who NEVER causes any problems.. and yet gets in constant trouble (due to coming directly after the problem child). Yeah, no pressure there. But at that time, I was just excited.. So it was excited tension. And Doug, the brother I had adored, whom I had spent a lifetime being taught was more important than I. looked at me with this subtle contempt and said "I forgot how annoying that giggle of yours is" swoosh in one moment I was destroyed..
And now 23 years later, no one can accuse me of being a giggler. No one has since that day. It was destroyed.. One final cut, in a lifetime of cuts. I have never told anyone that story. Never let anyone know how deeply that devastated me. Probably because no one would have seen it for what it was. What they would have seen was me being "over sensitive" (I honestly HATE that phrase)
I don't know when I started protecting the feelings of others at the expense of my own. But I do.. I push my feelings ever deeper.. taking the pains of others into myself. Taking the opinions and slights into myself, making them my reality. Using their more than slightly skewered "facts" to shape my reality.. To make my choices..
The thing is we never know how one simple phrase can destroy a person.. likewise we never know how a single act of kindness can change a life. We read stories about it all the time.. but do we actively work at being the person who smiles at others? Who wants to be kind? I used to be that person naturally but let others beat at me until I became hard, brittle, angry.. Honestly, I am not overly fond of that person.
I have this friend, who reviews on my book blogs with me. She is this bright light, constant joy, almost innocent.. yet I know her life has not been perfect. I know she has had challenges and disappointments. She just didn't let them ruin the inner her.. I admire her so much for her strength. Her ability to live life as herself. She doesn't know that she inspires me daily. In some ways she inspired me to reclaim myself. To be truly me again..
Working on it folks!!