Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Hearing Voices

What does this pic have to do with hearing voices? Well nothing, I just like the picture
Sometimes I hear voices in my head.. ok, now that I have pretty much declared that I am nuts.. allow me to expound.. Seriously, I hear voices.. Often as I go through life I hear the "voices" of others, loser, fatty, useless, no good, ugly.. you know those voices.. In all reality most of the voices I hear are more what I think of myself than what others think of me. Most of the time, people either have no opinion of me or even have a positive one. The only voices I am hearing are my own. 

Sometimes, it's guilt.. you know how much your mother wants you to be happy and you aren't living a happy life so you are sure she is so disappointed in you (this happens a lot). Your mother is neither disappointed or unhappy with you. She still loves you, is still proud of you and still stands beside you. No matter that you aren't living the life she dreamed of for you. 

Years ago (coincidentally enough, right before my marriage ended) my mother was visiting and turned to me and said "You know, I am really proud of you. You chose a life I didn't want for you but you are making it work. You are raising great kids and accomplishing your dreams" Yeah.. she said it.. too bad I didn't tape it *grins*. She was sincere too. She isn't the type to waste her time on sarcasm. It remains one of my most treasured moments.. because I constantly hear my projections of her thoughts and those voices never say she is proud of me. 

I think that is one of my (probably everyone's) greatest flaws.. projecting your thoughts into other's words. You have to let that go. Stop expecting others to think you are a failure.. most of them really don't care.. Another great mom quote.. 

                 when I was about 20 or so, I told my mom that I felt that                            everyone was talking about me and used the old.. whenever I                        walk into a room everyone stops talking line.. my mom's response                  and believe me it's a keeper.. "What makes you think you are so                    important that everyone is talking about you?" 

Now... there are those who could argue that she was smashing down my self   esteem but they would be wrong, that really wasn't what she meant.. She was making a valid observation.. Hello, you are NOT Queen of the Universe (ok, I am but I haven't sent out the memo to everyone yet), other people have lives, thoughts, concerns that do not involve you. To this day, I say that to myself when I am unsure or feeling insecure about what others think of me. 

As often as I point out that these blogs are about me.. not anyone else, I have to remember that most of the world feels the same way. It's about them.. they have their own voices to deal with.. Their own insecurities.. Do they really care what is going on in my life? Nope.. 

The select few.. my family, you know the one who was so mean to me (that btw was sarcasm)... just want me to succeed.. Sure dealing with the pressure of just whose definitions of success matter is hard. But we all have to go through it. I may be on shaky ground I may be trying to figure out how to be true to myself.. how to live my dreams not fail at the dreams of others but my foundation remains forever solid. I am loved.. Dearly.. I know that for a fact and I need to say it more regularly!!


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