Saturday, September 7, 2013
Do you realize how much of who we are is defined by our family? How we let others tell us who and what we are? Of course in turn we do the same thing. It's part of the human nature I think. Finding your niche.
The problem isn't when family defines you, it's when the definition doesn't fit.. and yet you still let it stand. You don't have to be a witch or an ogre about it but you do need to define yourself.
I was initially, the daughter, then the chatty one, then the happy one, then the smart one, then the creative one, then the "religious one, then the one who didn't live up to her potential, then the one who can't make it on her own, then... see what I mean.. I was never just one of those things. I have been several of them together and none of them. I am a mixture of all those things. But I am so much more. I am the one who stood alone, the one who was different, the one who was always on the outside, the one who found her own beat, the one who won't give up on herself, the one who demands justice..
As much as I rage against my family defining me, I will admit that I have definitions of my family as well. Not all of them are pretty.. but most of them make me seem like a lesser being.. There are the beautiful ones (My sister and a few of my cousins). The smart ones (my aunt and yes a few of my cousins). The nice ones (most of Aunt Margie's children). The mean ones (not gonna say which ones). The athletic ones, the academic ones, the.. see what I mean. I label them as well.. and yet none of them are just one thing. And I bet if I were to ask all of them would feel at a loss, less than what they seem or aware of their failings.
While we can accept the definitions and make them part of us, because often they are right. We don't have to accept the ones that don't fit. I am learning how to let go of those definitions and slowly regaining my balance. It has been a healing road I have been walking.. and eventually I hope that I can embrace myself that when I face my family, I am the one who made it through the darkness. The one who defined herself, the one who smiles through tragedy and triumphed over failure..
Oh sure, I am still gonna be the daughter, the chatty one (seriously I keep trying to close my mouth but the words just pop out), The creative one (oh I hope so)... The one who believes, the one who has faith, the stubborn one, the defiant one..
The only thing I don't want to be is the one who is alone..