Friday, August 30, 2013
There are many times in life when you take a wrong turn, pay attention to the wrong advice, make a bad choice and you end up lost. The smart thing to do is to turn around and go back to the beginning. In fact in many ways it's the only thing to do. Oh sure there are times when the path you are on turns out really interesting and you decide to stay on it and see where it ends up. And it is a grand adventure. Those are awesome times aren't they?
But I am not speaking of those times, I am speaking of the times when you wonder off your path and end up so mired in muck you have absolutely no concept of how you got there and how the heck to you get out. That's when you need to turn around and walk away. Each step away from that mess is a chance of finding yourself again.
That is where I am right now.. I am lost in the quagmire but have turned around and am working on getting unstuck. One of the things I am doing is looking around me and really noticing things.. Sure I am lost but is the place I am totally unredeemable? Am I here for a reason? Or am I just lost?
I do not want to be someone's hard lesson, I want to learn this lesson and move on. I want a chance to be a person that I admire and respect. With that the respect and admiration of others won't matter. It's a really humbling moment when you realize that you are not a person that you respect.
The thing is I have done some wonderful things in this dark place I am in. I was a great mother (I believe I may have said so before) but a lousy person. Now how is that even possible? Well, I gave up on me. Ever do that? Give up on one project to focus on another? That is what I did. I gave up on me, my dreams, my desires, my joys.. I focused on the fact that I was a failure at me.. so I should start another project.
Isn't that horrid? I had accepted the flawed logic of others around me. I heard that I was a failure, loser, joke for so long I believed it and acted on it. It had become part of my inner self. Wow!!
That is so going to stop! God has gifted me with many talents and I am going to figure out how to use them. How to stop pushing me down and stop raising others up. I am going to take a long look around and find the right path! Find the place where I can be whole and healthy and part of a community! And occasionally look over my shoulder to make sure I didn't drag anything yucky with me when leaving the quagmire.
I know it won't be easy. I am not remotely where I want to be, even physically.. I dream of being in Wyoming or Oregon.. Either by the Ocean or near the mountains. I know what dreams I hold and somehow I am going to figure out how to get there!