These next few blogs are going to be dark, they are going to be harsh and they are going to share some truths. Some truths about me that might or might not make you, the reader, think I am whining, I am holding on to the past, I am complaining... I am not. And even if I am, these blogs are about me.. if you think you are mentioned, unless I specifically say your name or designation, ie.. my son, daughter, etc.. it isn't about you. Get over yourself. Why do I say this? Well because everytime I try and express what is going on inside of me, someone accuses me of one of those things.. I and stop.. I have come to a point in my life where I can no longer stop because what I am saying makes someone else uncomfortable. I have to get this out.
That being said, I don't need validation or encouragement either. For once that is not what this is about. This is about me getting it out..
Not too long ago, I realized that I didn't feel anything. Literally nothing.. No deep emotions, no feeling of great love for my kids, no passion, no joy, nothing. I couldn't even really cry. What the heck? I have always been "too" emotional. To wake up and realized that I have none bothered me. I even asked myself was I a sociopath (not the murder and/or abuse because I don't know right from wrong type of sociopath, but the gee I am empty of all emotions type of sociopath). I honestly don't know if you can be a sociopath and not be evil but that's not the point. Sociopaths have no emotion and I had none.. I was like this empty husk going about the motions.. and that bothered me, sort of..
Then I really looked and realized that yes the emotions were there but I had just pushed them down so deep that nothing was escaping. Ok, that made me feel a little better. Sort of..
I realized that I had spent so many years trying to be what I was "supposed" to be that I had completely and totally shut out myself. I wanted to be loved, accepted, believed in so desperately that I refused myself. I refused to accept myself. I woke up and realized a few things.. I was afraid.. very afraid.. what would I do to myself? I mean I had already denied me.. I had already done so much damage to me.. At this point in my life I am actually unable to function in society. I can't make myself even function. Wow!! I really am the deadbeat loser that some judge me to be.
This hurts.. why am I fat? Because I believe I am supposed to be.. Why am I alone? Because I honestly believe that I am unworthy of friends and family. What have I done to myself? I no longer laugh.. you know that belly laugh that cleanses the soul and makes everyone around you join in? I used to laugh like that. I used to sing.. songs of joy, of friends, of God, shoot of big blue phrogs.. but I stopped doing that long ago.
Who is this person I have become? Why have I let those that will never believe in me turn me into this lost and lonely person? Why do I need their approval so desperately? I am never ever going to get it..
So the real question is, how do I let that go? One of the ways is to speak of it. To voice it, acknowledge it and set it free. For years I kept my silence because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well too bad.. you hurt mine. You shattered my soul.. and I am putting it back together and this time you don't have the power to take it.. I am taking that stand.. I am also pretty safe in making it, as the people that I so desperately want to approve of, have never and will never read this blog. I mean it's important to me, so I am pretty sure they could care less. yeah, yeah I know tough talk from a wuss like me..
This is going to be a purge.. Me taking the hurts out one by one and letting them go. And when I am done, I hope it will help me fell clean. Lighter, freer I hope I will rejoice. Part of me worries about the fall out.. but I am going to make myself go forward. I am tired of being lost. I am tired of the darkness that constantly surrounds me. I am declaring myself.. and I am scared to death!