Introspection Sucks!!

As you may know, I have been writing the past few weeks about me.. really all about me and my feelings and the way I have shoved parts of me aside for way to long.. and frankly, it's beginning to bore me. I know if I feel that way.. how must anyone else reading these posts feel?

The thing is I need to say some of the stuff, I need to let it go.. but all this whining, poor me stuff.. yeah, that's so for the birds. 

The truth is, I have had a pretty good life. My childhood wasn't perfect, my parents were flawed and made mistakes (I of course have never made a parental mistake). But as imperfect as it was.. It was awfully good.. I traveled, I played sports, I went to camp (because I wanted to.. I wasn't shipped off to get rid of me.. ok maybe I was for a week but it was a blast LOL), I was active in scouts and school. Shoot I even went to private protestant High School because I wanted to.. Yep my non believer parents forked out a monthly tuition so I could go to private school! And most importantly of all, I was loved. 

I had a large extended family that I adored being a part of.. I always felt a little like that square peg.. but that's on me.. If I didn't quite fit, that's ok, they still loved, odd, loud, brash little ole me. I wasn't a perfect child.. they weren't perfect people.. we all just were.. and are.

So.. how did I get so messed up? I had all that going for me.. Oh did I mention I grew up in Southern California? 30-45 minutes from the ocean, 1 1/2 hours from the mountains, 20 minutes (in heavy traffic) from Disneyland, 10 from Knott's Berry Farm.. yeah, life was tough.. now back to the question.. How did I get so messed up? Somewhere I stopped believing in me.. I started letting everyone else, no matter how good intended, shape me. In doing that I lost all of me.. So I want to blame the entire world for who I am.. yeah.. not gonna wash..

 In losing myself and letting others define me I came across as week and useless.. ever feeding the negative impression of myself. If I couldn't stand up for myself of course someone else was going to make decisions.. Taking that power back is hard.. Why? Because after 50 years.. people get into habits.. now my struggles seem like a spoiled child lashing out.. I'm not really!! I know I have had it pretty darn good. 

But for now.. maybe I need to have it not so good.. Maybe I need to struggle on my own.. ok, did that while raising the kids.. but maybe I need to let go of the harsh control on my emotions.. my true strength has always been my ability to feel.. So now I need to allow myself to do that again. Stop thinking being "too sensitive" is bad.. I am sensitive, not too sensitive.. sensitive!! It's who I am!! Deal with it! I am!

Shauni

This post was written with a smile.. no stupid emo stuff today!!

Always Remember, Never Forget

Years ago, in one of his snarkier moments my ex smiled and said this.. Always Remember, Never Forget.. Now the reason he said this was not to offer enlightenment, or remember a poignant moment, nope it was to make a funny. A mean spirited funny that made you feel stupid.. That was the way he was.. He had a brilliant wit but if you didn't get it, he made sure you felt rather stupid.

I think one of the things he really hated about me, is I got it. Every single time. I knew when he was trying to be funny and I knew when he was being serious. I got his humor.. the good and the bad.. and yes sometimes he was just pee your pants funny. Sometimes his intellectual humor was so funny I couldn't help but role my eyes and start giggling. But it was his mean humor that destroyed me. The times he would say something awful and tack a joke to it. It was belittling, demeaning, demoralizing and soul destroying. It would flay me open and remove parts of my light. 

Over time, I started pulling my light ever inward. Protecting it.. until one day all of my light was hidden and I was in shadow. Constant shadow. Now the shadows are an interesting place. Not the darkness, but a place where you get glimpses of light. Where you understand that the light is there but you really can't touch it. It is diminished not destroyed. Enough time in the shadows and you slip into the darkness. 

Another thing about the shadows is you don't always realize the negative aspects of it. You live in it for so long and you begin to accept the grey areas.. that it's normal to live in semi darkness. That in itself can be soul destroying.. Constant vigilance.. 

This is the life of an abused spouse.. You know the light is there, you can see it. You figure if you do just the right thing you will get it back. You never do, because the right thing is walking away... 

Abuse is not what people think it is. You have to be an abuse victim to really understand it. Strong individuals can succumb to abuse.. and then pride takes over. You spend so much time pretending that life is ok, you lose not only yourself but your friends. There is no dignity when you are an abuse victim. There is constant despair. And it doesn't have to be physical abuse it can be the constant bombardment of verbal excuse.. 

The things I heard when I was married were insidious. I didn't start out an abuse victim. I didn't find this guy who abused me and said hey let's get married. Nope, I met this guy.. a handsome, charming, charismatic guy. A guy with strong family values, who believed in me *snort*. I also met a man who said he was a recovering alcoholic, he wasn't he was a dry drunk.. HUGE difference! Anyway, over time the constant, and I mean constant, constructive criticisms turned to just plain criticisms. An onslaught of digs, and verbal slaps. 

Then came the total control, I used to handle the money and I had a rather unorthodox way of doing it, sort of like the envelope system but I had separate bank accounts for everything.. Mortgage acct, utilities acct, grocery acct, fun acct, kids acct.. and each week each check would get divided and a certain amount would be put into the correct account. But that was too annoying for him so we put it all in one acct. Which he would then use that money whenever he needed, adding to my confusion, which then caused us to be short or bouncing checks.. which then made him sure it was me who couldn't handle money.. which them had him take control of the money.. which then had him remove me from all accounts.. which then left me in the dark, sometimes literally when he wouldn't pay the electric bill. By the time he left, I was not on anything financial and he had cleaned out all of our accts, hadn't paid rent in three months and the utilities.. yeah, that was a joke. 

How did I get there? Well, I just showed you.. and because I was in shadows, an abused wife, I never let anyone know just how dark it was getting. 

When Ron left (hallelujah) with some urging from me, I said something on the lines of "I would be better off on public aide than I am with you", I didn't have time to face the darkness. I was too busy living. Creating a world where my children were safe, happy and healthy. Oh sure, I made tons of mistakes. And financially, total loss. The state would keep my child support checks for up to 8 weeks at a time. I couldn't make ends meet without it.. I lost apartments.. at one point we were actually homeless.. Things just kept getting darker and darker.. 

Of course this led my kids to think I couldn't handle money.. what with their father constantly reinforcing that opinion (ok, constantly meaning whenever he deigned to show up and see them). No one can handle money if there isn't any there. But I worked hard at giving my kids a good life. Sometimes I think, I made being poor too easy on them. They had no idea what I sacrificed just so they could be "normal" or as normal as possible. 

And so, even with him gone, the shadows persisted. I was a constant failure. My family (mom) helped with school supplies, shoes, individual trips to California for the kids, occasionally (and I do mean occasionally) the rent. I was grateful.. and believe me everyone, the entire family knows how much my mom had to "help" me.. how do they know? She told them, over and over and over again... Yep, that whole Shauni is a loser thing just wouldn't go away. 

No matter how hard I struggled to survive, I didn't have what it took to get out of the shadows. I was a victim of abuse and along with the abuse comes the damage you do to yourself. I closed myself off.. Sure there was always that place where hope lived.. Hey, maybe if I call my mom she will want to talk.. put me first.. Hey, maybe when the family comes in for my kids graduation it won't be about my nieces and what they want. Hey maybe... yeah.. hope is not always a good thing. At least not  when it's false hope. I can never make myself important to those around me. Wanting to is what allowed me to become a victim in the first place. I can only be strong in who I am, to become me.. 

And because I need to remind myself of this daily, I often find myself murmuring.. 

Always Remember, Never Forget.. 

Shauni

Changing Direction

What is the hardest thing for you to do? For me, it's changing direction. I tend to start down some path and then I see it's getting difficult or dangerous or just wrong and instead of stopping and re evaluating, I just keep on trudging. Until I am so deep all I can do is keep going. I figure hey I must be half way through this by now. 

Only trouble is, I never know how long the journey really is, so how can I determine that I am over half way there? I can't. and yet, I just keep barging on. It's painful, it's heartwrenching and yes it's demoralizing. 

Finally, when I know it is probably too late to fix things.. I stop face the facts and start the long journey back. It's not a really good way to live. 

Yesterday, I finally made that decision to backtrack.. I had that moment when I just decided that life is worth more than sitting in the darkness. So, I was able to face reality and move forward. Even if I had to do it in the hardest way possible. Of course this is standard operating procedure for me.

I need to stop and re evaluate.. then start over.. get my center and find a direction worth heading in.

Shauni

A Positive Fact

Does anything else really need to be said?

The Make a Law Generation

Recently the subject of gun control has gotten louder and louder.. a demand for gun control and an equally loud voice for our 2nd amendment rights. While I can see the point of both sides I have to wonder if everyone is missing the greater point.

We have become what I like to term, The Make a Law Generation. We don't like something, we try and make a law. A quick fix to a difficult situation except it really doesn't fix anything. Not the underlying problem.. It's just like the need for prescription pills, if there is a problem (being overweight, ADD, depressed) take a pill.. Don't try and fix the underlying issues first.. nope take a pill and feel better now. I am not against prescription medication of the need for laws.. what I am against is the need for the quick fix.

What we need to do in order to "fix" the issue is find out what is causing it. Could it be that the days of barely there parenting is finally coming back to bite us in the butt? The concept of quality time finally hitting us where it hurts? We, as parents need to take the time to teach our children what is right and wrong. From the beginning... be there for them.. not overwhelm and over protect them. Nope let them fight their own battles.. in school (you know when they get a bad grade because they didn't do their homework).. in spots (guess what when you play a game one side wins and one side looses.. suck it up).. yep teach them how to deal with issues. Fight their battles and learn that actions have consequences.

We complain about the government interfering in our lives then when life gets difficult we demand a law be made. Guess what folks, that is the government interfering, we are GIVING UP our rights, WILLINGLY..

Don't get me wrong, there will always be those who are ill and need attention. Both physical and mental. They may not be able to be helped.. there will be times when one person can bring a community to it's knees.. but if we, as parents, adults, community leaders step up there will be less. Take the time to show our children from birth the right path. Teach them the national anthem so they can sing along with it.. Not only the words but the meaning.. teach them what the flag represents so they understand WHY we should respect it. Teach them that life is hard, that there will be times when it will seem like the world is against them (it isn't I mean how important are they?). Teach them that hard work will deliver them if they take it one step at a time, not expect instant results. Teach them faith not fanaticism  Teach them that parents, teachers, firefighters and police are the REAL heroes.. not someone whose claim to fame is that they can throw/hit/kick a ball.

Give them hope.. teach them that everyone should have dreams, even the unrealistic ones.. but that they have to work to make them come true. It won't happen if you don't work for it. Teach them that the single most important thing they can do is to take responsibility for their own actions.

As for making a law.. yeah, that works *snort*. But we can demand that our elected officials started acting like we matter. To be the role models they should be. Stop stealing from us, stop living by George Orwell's concept that "Some animals are more equal than others". They aren't..

We will never have utopia, we can't we are merely human and will make tremendous mistakes BUT I firmly believe in the theory of nipping it in the bud.. teach our children early and often and many (sadly not all - referring back to the entire we are human concept) BUT there will be less issues because more people will understand.

Shauni

A New Life by Sophia

As many of you are aware, I have several other blogs.. *grins* you can see the list in the side column. Sophia is one of my reviewers, Sophia is a creative 10 year old who loves to read, fancies cats, Edward Cullen, and is a fan of anime! And a joy to work with. Her effervescent comes through with every review. Recently  she wrote this wonderful tribute to her grandfather. He left us three years ago today and I know his family's hearts are still grieving. Even so, Sophie's tribute celebrates their relationship. Carmen, her mother, sent it to me and I just wanted to share.



A New Life


I had to help him or he would fall.  My grandpa had just gotten very sick.  He lived with my grandma, his wife.  He would be at the house alone while my grandma was at the store.  It was a risk because he could fall.

He eventually moved in with us because his health was unpredictable.  He wasn’t happy with moving.  It made him feel like he was a little kid who needed everyone to escort him everywhere.  Miguel, my grandpa’s name, began to get used to living with me.

Everything was perfect.  Then he got really sick.  He was sent to the hospital.  His lungs and heart were old.  It was scary.  The doctor said he didn’t have a lot of time.  Every time we left the hospital, I would try to tell him good night.

He was finally sent home!  It was hard for him to walk.  Sometimes, he would call my name and ask me to walk him to the kitchen.  I loved helping him.  He was safe, and I was glad.  I was never annoyed if he asked me to help him.  It was worth it.

One morning I awoke to the sound of sobbing.  My mother sat next to me.  “Sophia, he’s gone.”  I hugged her.  I looked inside his room.  He was pale.  He was in peace.

I remember him.  His kindness, his love for me, him.  I love him and I helped him by walking him around.  That is how I helped my grandpa.

If you are interested in seeing more of Sophie, you can check out her reviews HERE


Shauni

Lesson Learned!!

Yes this will be a self congratulatory post.. I can't help it.. I have actually managed to do something I have NEVER been able to do.. I SHUT MY MOUTH!! Yes that is right..

I have this amazing ability to stick my foot in it.. yeah, a lot of the times I am right but at what expense? When I was a kid, I was the best at seeing the good in people and accepting their verbal batterings with a smile.. somewhere along the line I decided that I needed to change and stand up for myself.. in theory good.. in reality.. not so much.

I agree, verbal battering is bad.. it's abuse and yeah I sucked it in for a lot of years while growing up. I still do with some people.. when I respond I sound bitter and angry.. petty.. and they sound reasonable.. they aren't but my resentment doesn't change them. I had to decide that I was handling it wrong for me and figure out how to handle it right. The way I see it I have three choices..

1. Accept that the person is not going to change and if you want them in your life then you just have to accept that this is the way they are.. Doesn't make them right.. just makes it who they are
2. Remove that person from your life
3. Fight back.. 

There are problems with all three choices.. accepting a person who belittles you constantly, means the verbal abuse continues.. and I am here to tell you it does.. You have to be really strong to deal with this kind of battering.. day in and day out and honestly.. most people aren't.

Removing a person from your life.. hard, especially if it is someone like a parent, spouse, child, sibling.. you know a relative.. You KNOW they love you and if you explained that they were abusive they would be appalled or worse *rolls eyes* point out how sensitive you are... Yes you can remove some negative forces but removing all is hard..

Fight back.. yeah did I mention that doesn't work out so well with me? I always get hurt when I do this.. Either I sound like such a flaming witch, others turn away or I am so intensely passionate, once again I look like an over emotional twit.

Recently two things happened.. and I have handled both situations differently..
The first one was extremely personal and I won't go into it.. but I decided on a combination of 1 and 2.. I have to accept this person for who she is but I can do it on a very limited basis.. I don't have to be the one to initiate the relationship interaction and I can accept that things will never be where I want them to be.. In a way, I did some serious pruning to that relationship. I feel like this burden has been lifted from my shoulders.. one that has been there for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to live without it.. If I ever knew..

The second.. well a case of a person telling me how to behave and represent myself.. yeah.. the words were there.. I had a pithy response right there.. I was ready to blast her.. I worked up a spreadsheet for pete's sake.. But then, instead of giving it to her with both barrels.. I shut up.. yeah.. I refrained.. I took evasive action and have redefined how I am going to deal with this person.. Believe me that is a HUGE Step forward for me..

Life is going to get interesting because both of these people are in my life to stay.. at least for a while.. I just need to know how to work with them to my benefit.. not to let them win in my inner self..  Not to give them power over me.. the me that matters.. it will take time but every day.. each step along the path helps..

Hard Lessons Learned, Again and Again

Be prepared this is a Rant in the truest form.. I am angry.. really really ANGRY.. If you read my blogs at all you know that along with two of my friends I have started a book review site..Bodice Rippers. We are really really proud of it and have been getting an awesome response..

A Couple of authors have agreed to our interview requests and have complimented us on the site. We have been having book reviews, discussions and yes even disagreements.. Today I found out that one of our staunchest supporters was gleefully slipping the knife in.. She didn't like our choice of reads.. didn't enjoy the books.. which seriously, there are plenty of books I don't like that people have recommended to me. I either read them or don't. If I do, I generally keep my mouth shut and don't tell them what I disliked about it.. usually I will find something positive and elaborate on that.. But even bad mouthing a series is really no skin off my nose.. (ok, yes I take it personally but I know that is on me...)

Today, I read a comment that not only insulted the books, the author and everything about them but my site.. the one I am nurturing so very carefully.. and that just made me blow a gasket!! It hurt.. yes I admit I lashed out.. I responded with a pithy post.. that I then deleted. too late as it is because all posts get email notifications so the people who read them will know.. I shouldn't have.. I should have taken the high road. My behavior was unprofessional.. I was just so very hurt...

Oh well, lesson learned.. watch your back.. but don't let it slow you down.. look towards the horizon and keep going!!

Who Am I??

I know so often we stand up look around and wonder not only how in the heck did we get there but who the heck are we.. There are those who are famous for reinventing themselves, most of the time we see celebrities who have mastered this. This is seen by society as a great asset, a means to longevity and an amazing talent in and of itself. But one has to wonder if all that reinventing makes them loose part of themselves and then one day they look in the mirror and the very essence of who and what they are is gone. Not even they recognize themselves.

Sometimes I feel that way, I wonder what steps I took that led me to be sitting here feeling alone and afraid. Alone because those that belong in my life I pushed away and those that I want there really don't belong. Alone because I am a social creature by nature I need to be surrounded by friends, family, etc.. somehow along the line I have become the social pariah.. you know the family joke... Oh I know I am loved, even liked but seriously who wants to just hang out with a failure now that isn't me being pitiful , sheesh I have failed in so very many endeavors that I may hold a record. Afraid, because if I stand up for who and what I am I may be alone.. oh wait, aren't I already alone? Well that makes like no sense at all.

When I was a kid I was Shauni, I was a smiling, laughing, musical child. I always had a song (usually a Girl Scout or Camp Song) in my heart. I heard laughter in the sorrows of my life. I liked Shauni, in general most people liked Shauni.. She was fun, athletic, smart, creative, assertive, strong in her personal belief.. of course she was also petrified of failing, never felt she was good enough and constantly felt unloved and overly emotional. Over the years I decided to eliminated Shauni's failings, I wanted her to be strong, independent, tough, not caring what others thought of her.

One of the steps I took was to start going by Shaughnessey (my given name.. yes it is my first name) I thought Shaughnessey said strong, unique, fearless, tough and oh yeah no one said Shaughnessey was a cute name. I became Shaughnessey but somehow I lost or squashed Shauni.. Shauni died a sad and lonely death. Her heart, her voice, her song was silenced. I never wrote, I never sang, I never cried. Oh there are those who spent a lifetime telling me to not be so sensitive but it took a lifetime for me to realize I am sensitive.. if I stop being so sensitive I amputate part of who I am. I close off a piece of my heart and face it God made me sensitive, God gave me my character traits He expected me to use them to Glorify Him..

One day I looked in the mirror and saw the person I had reinvented myself to be.. and not only did I know recognize myself, I didn't like the person I saw. She was bitter, angry, alone, demanding, selfish, self-centered and more than a little judgmental. That is so not who I am and certainly not who I want to be. I find after a lifetime I like Shauni way more than I like Shaughnessey.

I found myself on my knees begging forgiveness for the arrogance of my life and the total failure I had made of it. I finally just said what I had said once so long ago, I surrender all. Now Shaughnessey has a really hard time letting go, she has become a strong part of me and I have to ask God to teach me how to incorporate the good in Shaughnessey back into Shauni.

Don't get me wrong I don't want to turn back time.. I don't want to be teenage Shauni again, I mean shoot what woman on the face of the earth wants to go back to be a teenager, all those hormones and angst.. I want to be Shauni who learned her lesson, who incorporates God's grace in her heart, her life, her very essence. I want to be the Shauni who rejoices in the gifts she has been given, I have no plans to kick Shaughnessey by the wayside (I kinda like the name after all) but I want to once again hold that song in my heart..

When I started this blog I was slowly rambling in that direction, I mean Shauni is such a cute name... lol, it is funny how our perspectives change.. Maybe it should be called the evolution of Shauni, God's evolution not Darwin's cuz well God's makes so much more sense.

Anyway to answer my question... Who Am I??

I am God's child,
my mother's daughter
my children's mother
a blogist,
a poet,
a photographer
a sensitive soul
I am beloved...
I am Shaughnessey
I am Shauni evolved

Nice to meet you all

Struggling to Be

These last couple of months have been very very hard on me. It seems that I have become just a bit adicted to the computer and I have been suffering very major withdrawel. It is hard to accept that you have put so much of yourself into interacting with others only online. In a way it is safer as you can project the image you want and hide from any hurtful insights from those in your life. I admit that has a very tempting aspect to it but it seems in the end you just come out lonlier and worse.. more alone..

I have always been the type of person that draws energy into myself from a crowd, have been considered the life of the party (in a good positive way not the slam back a drink, lets have sex kinda way). I treasure my relationships with others and enjoy spending time with friends but for some reason my stint in Illinois (25 years now) has turned me into a recluse, afraid to interact with people and holding myselff back. Just recently I have been attempting to rectify that behavior. I have been making an effort to get to know others and have fun with women my age it just seems that I have to constantly force my way into the group. It is painful. I am not sure what is causing this, I used to be kind and considerate always ready to lend a helping hand but slowly over time I have become the one who constantly needs help. I think in ways I am considered more of a charity case than a friend. I mean, if someone wants to do something nice for another person, I am always the one people think of. These are good decent people who just want to help out... but I don't get invited to the show or the fair or shoot even the bingo game.. I am just left hanging while all the other moms go out and have fun and interact. I am not sure how to change this, not sure if I even can at this point but I know I am just tired of hurting..

Now I could say it is a stage, it is something that just happens but somehow it has become a way of life and personally I hate it!! I am the woman who does.. who is.. not the one who sits around and waits.. I have spent my life giving back, teaching my children to give back. I learned to stand on my own two feet at the age of two and rarely looked back. I have been proud of the accomplishments I made on my own.. yet it seems lately I am forever needing advice, suggestions and help. I have just about had enough... somehow I have to find me again. Find the woman who knows that there is so much out there to give.. not the one who is always top of the list to be given to..

When Did it Happen?

When did I become invisible? Was it that first time I smiled instead of demanded an apology? Was it the time I accepted the rant that was meant for another yet spewed at me? Or was it the moment I became? Was I ever really noticed?

I have to wonder when I just disappeared? When my ability to be me was over ridden by those that knew what was best for me? When did I become so insignificant that others felt it was acceptable to push me away? To not hold me when I cried? To blame me when it rained? and the part that bothers me is I have been so preconditioned to do so I accept it.

I bust my back trying to make everything perfect often letting everyone else take the credit when I crave it so.. I listen to them spew their venom at me like I deserve it... sighs I accept that otherwise I have no value to them.. and I have to wonder when did it happen? Did it happen overnight? or was it always so?

What bothers me is that I allow it to happen over and over again.. I am invisible unless something needs to be done then I am important. And me being so damned needy I jump through hoops to make them all happy but honestly when was the last time anyone did anything for the sheer reason of making me smile? and why have I allowed this?

I don't blame everyone else well not much, No honestly I blame me.. if it weren't me then it wouldn't reoccur in every aspect of my life. I wouldn't wake up and just suddenly know I was alone. The phone would be ringing, the plans would be being made. I wouldn't have been passed over for the next shiny object.

It seems I bring others together then watch them walk away leaving me behind.. I don't belong anywhere and honestly I have to wonder why? When did I allow this to happen? Why would I allow this to happen? why would I hide behind the cloak of invisibility? I just don't get it....

I want so much I can taste it..a constant yearning NEED for something more.. but it remains ever outside my reach.. dancing in the air just past my fingertips, taunting me with the promise of what if but never landing.. never happening.. so I continue trying to figure it out stumbling along alone.. shoot my family has slowly just written me off with... when they do think of me it is with an ohhhh Shauni kind of smile and then on they go to their family functions and reunions and gathering with nary a thought that hey maybe it would be nice to include me.

My friends, supposed friends fly right through Chicago rent cars and drive to their destinations and don't call.. I sit here in the midwest a square peg in a round hole alone... and I wonder when did I let this happen? Why did I let it happen? and maybe it is because it is all I am all I will ever be and honestly that just makes me sad..

I promise eventually the sun will come up, I will smile again but right now I am just a bit lost and floundering...

Good Old Governor Rod

Well the indictment came through, all 19 of them. All the while Gov. Rod is spouting off his innocence. Oh I know we live in an society that says innocent until proven guilty and we should not leap to conclusions but 19 indictments. Oh I know the press is blathering on about how he tried to sell then Senator Obama's Senatorial seat and yes that was bad but it wasn't the only thing.

This man was a bad governor and an even worse man. He is a criminal who we elected not once but twice. We CHOSE to ignore what we knew and refused to research what we didn't we LET the press decide that his boyish good looks (now considered smarmy) was a good enough reason to elect him. We WANTED to believe that this man was not corrupt that he cared about the people of Illinois. He didn't he was and is slime. He chose from the very beginning to put his needs and the needs of his family before those of his constituents. Don't get me wrong putting your family first is a fabulous thing except when you become an elected official then you become theirs.. Your responsibility is to them no longer your family or yourself.

And that is gov. Rod's true crime.. He was a selfish, egotistical man who wants it all and who got caught. He stepped over the line not because he threatened the press, bankrupted a state no because he dared to defile the current media darling's memory. One has to wonder if we would have been so offended if he had not used President Obama? Would the press have declared him evil or would they have swept it under the rug? I mean he wasn't doing anything everyone else wasn't doing.. I mean God forbid he step up and have morals and ethics.

Somehow we as a society have accepted that it is ok for our elected officials to lack ethics.. instead of demanding that they have MORE... maybe it is time we took a stand. Against the media for telling us what to think, our elected officials for lacking conviction and ourselves for letting it happen

Shut Up and Listen to Grandma

Recently, I have heard all sorts of interesting philosophies on the economy, family, morals, ethics, hard work, etc... Some are of course way out there, sending me into peals of laughter but the ones that are considered the most amazing, the most ground breaking the most viable... are the same things I have heard my entire life.

Lessons learned at my grandma's knee...

hmmm let's see

1. pay yourself first. Now she wasn't talking 401K's or retirement they didn't have that then. No she meant take 10% of your income and put it into a savings account for a rainy day. Now I am horrible at this so I do make use of the 401K system to hold that 10%.. otherwise I would find a use for it.

2. give just a little bit more of yourself than you can afford. When it matters it will come back to you.

3. stand up for what you believe in, don't bow to peer pressure or trends.. they will move on with the winds of change only you remain the same..

4. quality of life is way better than quantity of life. Drive the same car for 10 or so years, live in the same house.. Yes it may seem to be too small but eventually it will be too big

5. keep learning, you are never too old to learn something new.. whether from a book or an education keep moving forward.

6. give back.. i know i said that earlier but it bears repeating.

7. live life like you were living (not like you were dying).. but always seek new adventures.

8. don't vote for the pretty one, vote for the one with the brains. research your candidates, find their histories.. what do they really believe in.

9. raise your children to understand that life is work. they don't get a free ride.. it is not your responsibility to put them through adulthood..

10. never say I can't... because as she would say.. You are an American and the last for letters of American spell I CAN... no kidding...

seriously, is there not a lesson in each of those statements.. have you not heard some of them formatted a bit differently but spouted by the new and "in" crowd? So all, maybe it is time to stop and listen to Grandma.. they it seems had a clue after all.

The Thing About Life

The thing about life is that no matter how horrible it gets as long as you keep on living it gets better... or at least changes and allows you a new set of challenges.

Oh good lord doesnt that just sound like a load of crap? but it is true, as long as you choose to keep going one step at a time, one day at a time eventually things happen. Is my life any better today than yesterday well no... the lovely state of Illinois Child Support System is still behind on my Child Support. I am still wondering about food, shelter and storage but...

A good night's sleep a talk with a friend and life just looks better. It comes down to I believe.. interesting isn't it?

On a different note, today I wrote to the president. Something I have done once a month since I turned 18.. I figure it is the best way for him to know what is going on in the everyday lives of his constituents.. I suggest you do the same.. invite him into your life, share your day with him, also your senators, congressmen and local reps.. my reason being, if you are part of their daily lives maybe just maybe they will remember that they are there to serve you (me, us) and actually try to do their jobs.

Just Made Me Giggle

So my daughter was watching a rerun of 2 1/2 Men it was an episode we have seen a few times but always makes me laugh. Still chuckling as a matter of fact. It was the episode where the ex went to Hawaii on vacation and Jake had to stay with the men. They were required to do all of the things a parent usually does, well ok a mom. Of course hilarity ensued, and poor Jake got forgotten several times. As a single mother this episode just cracks me up, for all sorts of reasons.

First off I would dearly loved to have been able to leave my children with their father for a week having him do all the things I did. So, they would have just missed everything for that week... but I would have so loved it had he even tried.

Then of course the fact that they failed miserably, the poor child was left out in the rain twice, late for school and basically lunchless... All of the things that a parent has nightmares about.. so of course it was funny..

The more I think about it the funnier and sadder it becomes. Mostly because as parents we work so hard to give our children as perfect of a life as possible that often we drag ourselves down. Yet on the other hand I can not imagine doing it any other way. As difficult as their lives have been all four of my kids are well respected and respectful individuals. and if they make it through this latest train wreck without one of us killing each other I will be lucky indeed.

As usual, I started out one way and went another.. oh well hope you enjoyed

accountabilty

Accountability is a rather irksome thing, as a matter of fact most people are more than ready to make sure others are accountable for their actions but refuse to accept any for their own.

Life is about choices the ones we make and the ones we don't make. As we go through life we make decisions and most of what happens to us is based on those decisions. Oh, you say what if you are hit by a truck while sitting at a bus stop. No it is not your fault but you did decide to go to the bus stop. I know that is silly to think someone is responsible for their own accident and of course they aren't but that was my point on decisions.

But accountability is an entirely different thing, when you make a choice and set the wheels in motion you are accountable for your actions. If only to yourself, you have to decide if it was worth it, if your actions were worth the consequences. Oh there is often the vindication of the self righteous but so often they are just as guilty as the guilty...

In the end you are accountable to your God, your society, your community, to yourself but the only person you are only accountable FOR is yourself. So if you decide to tilt at windmills then are mocked, if you can accept the consequences of your actions go ahead.. tilt away. If you need to take a stand you must understand that you could loose much more than you gain and you have to decide if those consequences are worth it. The one thing you should never do is blame others for the consequences of your actions.

How does that work? Goodness only knows and yes there are those who will take advantage of your willingness to take responsibility they will use it as a means of saying that they were right and you have to accept that too.. People are just that people, they make mistakes and sometimes when they make a choice that others feel is a mistake in the end it is the right choice.

In the end you have to be able to live with yourself. Often we are so indoctrinated into making others like us we forget that simple fact. We have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror day after day after day. Yes it is ever so much easier to point out the flaws of others to mock the choices others make. To point our fingers in sweeping condemnation of those around us than to say hey, maybe I have to look at my choices..

Just a thought

Mama Mia what a movie

So I finally got to see Mama Mia, I have been wanting to see it since I first saw the previews. Of course who ever thought the sounds of abba would have evolved into this... as a teen in the late 70's I could almost have guaranteed two things for sure.

1. the song YMCA would have been forgotten within a year
2. Abba was just another band of the 70's to be lost amidst all the really great music.

Good thing I didn't put any money on it...

Anyway back to the movie, yet another lesson in it is never too late. I was very happily surprised at how just plain good this was. Of course I adore both Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth so how could it fail? It was good to know, that neither good sing.. and that with the exception of Christine Baranski, they were all decidedly middle aged. Nice to see that even hunks get the middle age spread.

If you haven't seen it, rent it. It is funny, poignant and just plain sweet. It starts out with one girl wanting to find out who she is and then ends with her mother accepting who she is... Interesting concept isn't it? The idea that life just constantly keeps going.

It made me smile... It made me remember and it made me dream what more could a middle aged single mom ask for?