Just Dragging

Ever since Blond Girl's incident and consequent trip to the hospital I have been basically unable to get back into the groove of things.. It seems I am always just a bit out of step.

This is frustrating for me because I have spent a very long time and a lot of effort to fight anemia, depression and frustration. To find that I had settled into a rythmn of sorts and yet this one just through me for a loop.

It is hard juggling my life because I have this split very public/very private life. As many sufferers and survivors of abuse do I keep my troubles very very close. I don't share with others what is really going on in my life and when I do, things are usually better. Then I have no problem sharing, well some things..

I just feel battled, bruised and not the victor in day to day life right now. Alone, abandoned and completely without my support base. I have plenty of lovely acquainances and many people who have stepped out and offered a helping hand.. but few friends, if any.. who call and say hey, let's hit the show. Or want to discuss what I am reading.. I created this wonderful and fantastic new site and I have no one to really share it with.

Then of course there is family, sometimes I wonder if I did the kids a disservice.. I feel disconnected from them, while they have become that cohesive unit I always wanted them to be. They will never feel like they are unwanted or unappreciated amongst their siblings.. They will never feel like there they sit with their faces to the window.. on the wrong side, seeing a lovely family unit, knowing that they should be a part of it and yet, aren't.

Yeah, I am suffering a setback.. I know I can not rely on anyone to define who I am except myself, but it would be nice, if just once.. one of those people who claim to care for me got it.. got that while I am not some week useless creature (that most of my family sees me as) I am also not that strong fortress (that most of the community sees). I am me, no more, no less.

When Did it Happen?

When did I become invisible? Was it that first time I smiled instead of demanded an apology? Was it the time I accepted the rant that was meant for another yet spewed at me? Or was it the moment I became? Was I ever really noticed?

I have to wonder when I just disappeared? When my ability to be me was over ridden by those that knew what was best for me? When did I become so insignificant that others felt it was acceptable to push me away? To not hold me when I cried? To blame me when it rained? and the part that bothers me is I have been so preconditioned to do so I accept it.

I bust my back trying to make everything perfect often letting everyone else take the credit when I crave it so.. I listen to them spew their venom at me like I deserve it... sighs I accept that otherwise I have no value to them.. and I have to wonder when did it happen? Did it happen overnight? or was it always so?

What bothers me is that I allow it to happen over and over again.. I am invisible unless something needs to be done then I am important. And me being so damned needy I jump through hoops to make them all happy but honestly when was the last time anyone did anything for the sheer reason of making me smile? and why have I allowed this?

I don't blame everyone else well not much, No honestly I blame me.. if it weren't me then it wouldn't reoccur in every aspect of my life. I wouldn't wake up and just suddenly know I was alone. The phone would be ringing, the plans would be being made. I wouldn't have been passed over for the next shiny object.

It seems I bring others together then watch them walk away leaving me behind.. I don't belong anywhere and honestly I have to wonder why? When did I allow this to happen? Why would I allow this to happen? why would I hide behind the cloak of invisibility? I just don't get it....

I want so much I can taste it..a constant yearning NEED for something more.. but it remains ever outside my reach.. dancing in the air just past my fingertips, taunting me with the promise of what if but never landing.. never happening.. so I continue trying to figure it out stumbling along alone.. shoot my family has slowly just written me off with... when they do think of me it is with an ohhhh Shauni kind of smile and then on they go to their family functions and reunions and gathering with nary a thought that hey maybe it would be nice to include me.

My friends, supposed friends fly right through Chicago rent cars and drive to their destinations and don't call.. I sit here in the midwest a square peg in a round hole alone... and I wonder when did I let this happen? Why did I let it happen? and maybe it is because it is all I am all I will ever be and honestly that just makes me sad..

I promise eventually the sun will come up, I will smile again but right now I am just a bit lost and floundering...