Hormones and Insanity

Allow me to start this blog with I seriously hate hormones.. and I mean seriously..

When I was a child I was an insanely emotional being some I know insisted that I was over emotional. Now that may or not be the case but I learned to shut down some of the intensity. Not let everything upset me and I mean everything but it had a price. In some ways I became very one dimensional, I smiled all the time saw the good in just about everything and my single act of teenage rebellion was to go behind my parents back to get baptized.

Not that getting baptized wasn't a huge emotional moment but a lot of things that I should have dealt with in my life I didn't. The things that should have caused me huge emotional pain really just irked me. Upset me for a moment then I moved on. In a way I was stunted.

So this past year I have been pushing to find those emotions again.. the problem of course is in the timing.. I mean do I really want to discover hidden emotional capabilities when I am hitting the pre menopause state.. Good Lord!! I found the stupid emotions.. now please can I give them back??

I have cried because my kids were disrespectful to the fact that my child support check is late. Oh wait, someone doesn't like me, well let me get upset over that.. being late for a meeting?? more tears.. sheesh.. and of course there is the inability to focus.. I am usually one to roll up my sleeves and fix things but it seems I am completely immobilized..

I have finally gotten to the point where I wonder what meds I can take to fix some of it and I am not a take a pill kinda girl.. but in the mean time life goes on every incident a potential tragedy..

If I don't laugh I am gonna cry so for now I am seriously gonna laugh...

These Past Few Days Have Been a Bit Off

I just wanted to say I am sorry for the past few blogs.. by nature I am an extremely positive person who really does see the glass half full. Shoot I tend to think of it not only as half full but how easy it would be to fill it up the rest of the way. I honestly am grateful for so many things that happen every day... just the fact that I woke up today is a reason to rejoice.

So to say I have been in a dark place is an understatement. I suppose when one chooses to see the positive sometimes the negative can be overwhelming. I don't know but the past few days have been hard on me. A thoughtless remark made in anger, the phone not ringing, unable to do what I need to do, angry children, I guess it all combined to just draw me in.

Now those may indeed sound like trivial thing I mean we are not talking global warming or world hunger just day to day life but they are my burdens and occasionally they win. I promise I will be back on track with a smile on my face soon enough. I can not help it, it is who I am.

I have actually been mocked because I look at the world through "rose colored glasses" I live in "fantasyland" or "can't face reality" and I am ok with that... I would rather have those accusations heaped at me than continually wallowing in despair. So I promise I will be back soon.. until then please bear with me life just seems to be winning right this moment.

When Did it Happen?

When did I become invisible? Was it that first time I smiled instead of demanded an apology? Was it the time I accepted the rant that was meant for another yet spewed at me? Or was it the moment I became? Was I ever really noticed?

I have to wonder when I just disappeared? When my ability to be me was over ridden by those that knew what was best for me? When did I become so insignificant that others felt it was acceptable to push me away? To not hold me when I cried? To blame me when it rained? and the part that bothers me is I have been so preconditioned to do so I accept it.

I bust my back trying to make everything perfect often letting everyone else take the credit when I crave it so.. I listen to them spew their venom at me like I deserve it... sighs I accept that otherwise I have no value to them.. and I have to wonder when did it happen? Did it happen overnight? or was it always so?

What bothers me is that I allow it to happen over and over again.. I am invisible unless something needs to be done then I am important. And me being so damned needy I jump through hoops to make them all happy but honestly when was the last time anyone did anything for the sheer reason of making me smile? and why have I allowed this?

I don't blame everyone else well not much, No honestly I blame me.. if it weren't me then it wouldn't reoccur in every aspect of my life. I wouldn't wake up and just suddenly know I was alone. The phone would be ringing, the plans would be being made. I wouldn't have been passed over for the next shiny object.

It seems I bring others together then watch them walk away leaving me behind.. I don't belong anywhere and honestly I have to wonder why? When did I allow this to happen? Why would I allow this to happen? why would I hide behind the cloak of invisibility? I just don't get it....

I want so much I can taste it..a constant yearning NEED for something more.. but it remains ever outside my reach.. dancing in the air just past my fingertips, taunting me with the promise of what if but never landing.. never happening.. so I continue trying to figure it out stumbling along alone.. shoot my family has slowly just written me off with... when they do think of me it is with an ohhhh Shauni kind of smile and then on they go to their family functions and reunions and gathering with nary a thought that hey maybe it would be nice to include me.

My friends, supposed friends fly right through Chicago rent cars and drive to their destinations and don't call.. I sit here in the midwest a square peg in a round hole alone... and I wonder when did I let this happen? Why did I let it happen? and maybe it is because it is all I am all I will ever be and honestly that just makes me sad..

I promise eventually the sun will come up, I will smile again but right now I am just a bit lost and floundering...

My Heart Broke Today

So today was a hard day for me and tomorrow is going to be worse. I have spent a lifetime with my children making holidays special.. especially Easter.. decorating eggs and an elaborate Easter Egg Hunt no matter where we lived. This year it is not going to happen, yes I realize they are older that they are teens and young adults but it matters to me. I want to be able to continue one simple tradition.

It is not going to happen oh not because they are older and aren't interested nope, I am pretty sure even Hair Boy at 20 would be out there searching.. No it isn't going to happen because I simply can't afford it, even the eggs. So yes today I am indulging in a bit of a pity party.. I have worked damned hard over the years I have struggled to make things look normal for my kids and I resent that I can not do it this year.

I resent that I sit here crying because I can not afford to color Easter Eggs... I resent that I sit here alone at all.. I guess I am angry at a lot and I am letting it focus on the eggs but I am angry and hurt and so darned tired of doing it alone. Easter is going to be very very hard for me this year.. and I guess the main reason is once again I am doing it alone..

The good news is, I know I will bounce back, I will get better and eventually I will smile. Why? Because that is who I am..