Making It Public - Part 3

Today marks the final part for my three pronged blog on taking my faith out into the world. I hope you have enjoyed the previous two. My finally personal verse that I took with me upon leaving school was Philippians 4:13

I can do all things

Through Christ who strengthens me

Is that not a totally empowering concept? I can do ALL things. As I have pointed out in previous blogs I was an arrogant child. The concept that I could do anything was not new to me. I honestly believed that all I had to do was set my mind to it and I could achieve whatever I wanted. In a way I still do believe just that, one of my personal crosses I carry. Did you note how I conveniently forgot part of the verse?

Upon leaving school I rushed forward ready to take on the world. After all I could do anything! Anything that is except succeed, everytime I tried something I failed. I self imploded no one was out to get my I was just unable to stay on course. I became best at was surviving.

Everytime a challenge came my way I did not rejoice and accept God's support, no I worked hard to battle on, on my own. Oh I would usually complete the challenge but each success took a piece of me. My survival became my triumph there was no praise to God. There was no rejoicing no there was a smirk my battle cry became I did this all by myself. Each victory was hollow and each failure consumed me. Oh I could rationalize, I could even make myself a hero in the eyes of the world my trials had been legion, my survival an accomplishment. Of course it was my success not one single Glory to God. Forgetting or refusing to apply the entire verse is an eventual recipe for disaster. The verse is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It doesn't mean I am going to conquer the world, no it means when God shows His plans, no matter how hard, no matter how difficult it may seem, with God behind us, with the power of the Spirit flowing through us WE CAN DO ANYTHING! Conquer any crises, survive any trial and when we do it, it is not our glory no it is God's. The spotlight is removed from us and transferred to God. The glow that shines forth embraces us all

Over my adult life I have struggled and stumbled many times. I have gone without as often as I have had plenty. My life has been about feast as well as famine I have never quite managed that even keel, that nice balance, that sure and steady. Nope not me I am an all or nothing kind of girl. May I suggest if you have a choice choose a different way of living.

One of the most amazing things about God is He allows us our idiocy. He allows our struggles then when we finally admit we are lost without Him, He raises us up and uses those same struggles to bring Glory to Him. As a Child of God even our failures are God's triumphs.

As I prepared for this series I have written I went back and really read all of my verses. Went straight to the Bible and refrained from going from memory. I took the time to really do my research to make sure I do not take quotes out of context or misrepresent God's word. In doing so I was so amazed when I re-read this verse. I not only read the verse but the ones previous to it. Instead of just Phil 4:13 I think I should embrace verses 10-13

(10) I Rejoiced in the Lord greatly

that now at length you have

revived your concern for me. You

were indeed concerned for me

but you had no opportunity

(11) Not that I am speaking

of being in need for I

have learned in whatever

situation I am in to be content

(12) I know how to be brought low

and I know how to abound in any

and every circumstance

I have learned the secret of

facing plenty and hunger

abundance and need

(13) I can do all things through Him

who strengthens me.

WOW! Praise God for truly I have been blessed.

Looking back this almost 30 years I realized that I would choose these same three Bible verses to carry forth with me.. Oh I would hope I will do so with humility and grace. That I would take advantage of all the words God gives me through His book but I will always treasure these three verses.

For God so loved the world.

They that wait upon the Lord.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

LUCKY LUCKY me, I am loved.

Making It Public - Part 2

Upon leaving High School in 1980 I was completely prepared to go forth and live my life for Christ. Well as prepared as an 18 year old can be for facing the adult world. I was well armoured and ready to become a soldier of Christ (a phrase from my childhood) more than that I was excited. I had my armour, my shield and my banner and of course those three verses that I had claimed as my very own.

Number 2 was

Is 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength

They shall mount up with wings as eagles

They shall run and not be weary

They shall walk and not feint.

One of the benefits of attending a private protestant high school is the fact that they not only teach you the bible they expect you to incorporate your learning into your everyday life. We used bible verses as part of each of our classes, clubs and teams. Each group would pick a verse that they felt best described them and would use it as part of their meditations, in a way it was another form of a mascot only this time it was the mascot of our faith. Is 40:31 was something of an "it" verse back in the day. It was used frequently it didn't hurt that it had been put to music and was sung often during chapel as well as at church. Our softball team even used it as our team verse so obviously it must be a good one..

Can anyone tell me what a child can possibly know about waiting, this is the age group that invented the phrase "are we there yet". As a teenager waiting means dreading that the phone won't ring and you won't have a date for the weekend or waiting for the results of a particularly difficult test, or waiting to see if you made the play or the team or won the election. Or standing at home plate and waiting for that perfect pitch. Needless to say I had no clue what waiting was and even less on waiting upon God.

When I left school I had such great plans, fantastic hopes and dreams. I had no idea how I was going to make these plans, hopes and dreams happen only that surely they would all fall into place. I knew God had plans for me I even had an idea of what they were. Even now all these years later I believe that. What I didn't understand was that God didn't just have plans for me He had a plan! I knew I was supposed to be a wife and mother. I knew that God had these plans for me, that this was where I would serve God best. Accepting these plans would be defying my family but I understood that I needed to follow God. And yes I said defying. My family expected me to be a doctor, a lawyer, president, a career woman. An interesting mover and shaker. So believe me when I say being "just" a wife and mother was a defiance. I was told "no one has a right to freeload like that" that I was "wasting my brain" and other such things.

Because of the way I was brought up I honestly believed I was "sacrificing" my life for God. But I am an arrogant fool, God gives you your gifts does that not mean He expects us to use them? And when you follow God's plan for you, you do it in His time not yours.

When I was 22 I met a man, a totally unsuitable man, one who had been wicked and wild

divorced not once but twice but he had turned his back on that and was dedicated to family or so he said. He was a good son a dedicated father, charismatic and sexy. He was the flame and I was the moth circling it until I was all but blind to God's plans. I knew I was getting older (ok, stop laughing I was 22 that is old when you are 22) and I needed to get on with God's plan. I was so afraid that no one was going to want me (again not waiting for God and certainly not trusting in Him) no one would love me that I would be alone for the rest of my life missing out on the chance to be wife and mother I rushed into a relationship. Looking back, knowing the two of us as I do now I have to admit I not only rushed into it I forced it. What a disaster!!! I survived a marriage that can easily be described as hell on earth. No joy, no happiness, no life of living according to God's plan. There was misery, despair, disdain, drudgery and contempt. God was not a part of my marriage! I am lucky that God did not abandon me but no instead He continued to protect me even in my arrogance. I stayed in that fiasco of a marriage for 10 long years before finally ending it.

Even then I did not as for God's guidance I knew what had to be done. Yet with every wrong choice, every time I rushed forward knowing what was wrong and ready to fix it all by myself. God blessed and protected me. Why? well not because I am some prize of a follower nope because He loves me and has plans for me. It took me a long long time to let go and really let God. I would pray but then I would start bargaining, then I would ask for forgiveness and say I knew I wasn't supposed to try and bargain with Him, then I would ask for help but I would lay out my plans and let Him know how I needed His help. I did not listen to what He wanted done and I certainly did not wait upon His plans.. Oh arrogant, arrogant child. Can you not just picture God sitting there shaking His head after we finished our little talks? I am so lucky that God did not give up on me.

Now I find myself praying not for what I need as much as for the ability to wait upon God's timing. That I will learn to listen not control. Even as I write this I wonder at my motives. Am I truly trying to share what God has done in my life? Or am I trying to manipulate God's plans again? See one of the negatives to rushing God's plans is that when He speaks you are not quite sure if it is Him. I mean we don't get a lot of burning bushes these days. So you tremble and pray it isn't once again your ego and arrogance taking charge trying to "fix" things.

I submit these words to God asking Him to use them as He sees fit, even if that means He doesn't use them at all. I hope finally I am on the right path and am using one of the gifts He gave me in a manner that becomes Him. and yes, I am praying that I learn to listen and wait.

A TIme for Everything

There is a time for everything, including a time to withdraw into yourself and renew the challenge of course comes in finding when the time to stop "renewing" and get your butt in order...

I have spent the last two years recovering for lack of better word.. fearing anything and everything... i have often been afraid to leave my very home because I know that bad things will happen when I am gone... as though I could fix it if I were there..

During this time of internal renewal I have met some awesome people via my blogs and such.. they have become a part of my life with such an intensity it amazes me, scares me... now I am once again facing reality and moving forward.. which as boring as it is, is much easier for me to deal with...

I shut my emotions down.. stopped looking inward and am looking towards a new hope.. I beg that God in His gloriousness allows me to become the light I was meant to be.. and if not then I pray that I have the strength to be what He intends..

I go forth today facing the sunshine.. in the full light of day... be strong

Police say mom ordered daughters out, drove off

I was perusing yahoo news and found this article Yahoo Article it is about a mother who was so frustrated with her two daughters ages 10 and 12 she told them to get out of the car and drove off.

They were about 3 miles from home and it seems it was a highly traumatic experience for the girls.. now while I am not condoning such behavior I do understand it. Once Pita Boy was so bad while in the back seat of the car I pulled over on the Expressway and told him to get out and proceeded to pull up oh about 20 feet.. of course I can not believe I was ever that stressed.. and as soon as it happened I backed up and got him... This was not my shining moment as a mother but it does give me a basis for judgment..

Now when this happened and believe me Pita Boy was being HORRID to his siblings all three of them stood up for him against me. My children stood together and strong. These two girls actually went their separate ways.. the 10 year old found wandering and afraid by the police. While I can understand how a mother could get that frustrated I know with indisputable fact that my children would stick together to survive the emergency and then resume fighting.. and that I think was the greatest tragedy of all.. yes the mother should never have left her children if she needed to catch a break from the fighting she should have pulled over and stepped out of the car.. or shoot it was only about 3 miles from her home she could have just sucked it up.

I know her goal was to teach these girls a lesson but it certainly has backfired, child protective services have gotten involved and she was arrested AND her girls suffered. They suffered the most because they could not put their arguments aside and work together to get out of the mess they were in.

Sorry for this rambling babbling blog but for some reason this article touched several serious sensitive areas with me. Oh and for the record Pita Boy doesn't even remember the incident (I just asked)... so he was not scared for life thank goodness..

Hormones and Insanity

Allow me to start this blog with I seriously hate hormones.. and I mean seriously..

When I was a child I was an insanely emotional being some I know insisted that I was over emotional. Now that may or not be the case but I learned to shut down some of the intensity. Not let everything upset me and I mean everything but it had a price. In some ways I became very one dimensional, I smiled all the time saw the good in just about everything and my single act of teenage rebellion was to go behind my parents back to get baptized.

Not that getting baptized wasn't a huge emotional moment but a lot of things that I should have dealt with in my life I didn't. The things that should have caused me huge emotional pain really just irked me. Upset me for a moment then I moved on. In a way I was stunted.

So this past year I have been pushing to find those emotions again.. the problem of course is in the timing.. I mean do I really want to discover hidden emotional capabilities when I am hitting the pre menopause state.. Good Lord!! I found the stupid emotions.. now please can I give them back??

I have cried because my kids were disrespectful to the fact that my child support check is late. Oh wait, someone doesn't like me, well let me get upset over that.. being late for a meeting?? more tears.. sheesh.. and of course there is the inability to focus.. I am usually one to roll up my sleeves and fix things but it seems I am completely immobilized..

I have finally gotten to the point where I wonder what meds I can take to fix some of it and I am not a take a pill kinda girl.. but in the mean time life goes on every incident a potential tragedy..

If I don't laugh I am gonna cry so for now I am seriously gonna laugh...

What was She Thinking?

Octuplets' mother has 6 other children

I don't like to judge and it isn't really any of my business but want to explain why a woman, a single woman, would receive fertility treatment when she already has 6 children? Honestly she carried and delivered a litter. That in and of itself is stressful and trying but now she has to raise 14 children and the oldest is 7!!

As a single mother of 4 children very closely spaced.. the oldest is 20 the youngest is 14, I can ensure you it is a very difficult and exhausting job to be a parent to all four of them. To be responsible for 14? Again I have to say, WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?

And I have to wonder, how is it she was a candidate for fertility treatment at all? I know the doctors are not saying she received any and I am assuming that she did. So maybe I am jumping the gun here by asking who was the idiot who ok'd this. But, I feel it must be asked... I understand that have benefited from our fertility programs. Many parents who now hold their child who would have remained childless otherwise and yes there are many cases of multiple births... but there was no need. She obviously had children, she didn't need fertility.. Reading this I sound so judgmental and I know it is wrong. I just worry about the mindset of that young mother and her 14 children.

Good Luck

It Takes a Politician

So tomorroe the impeachment begins.. I have to wonder though why? This may amaze and astound many but I am not a governor Blagojevich, actually I don't like him at all. I didn't vote for him the first time and I certainly didn't vote for him a second time when I found his actions questionable and his motives dubious. BUT the majority of the people of Illinois did. That has to stand for something..

The Illinois Senate and House have decided that because of charges being leveled against the governor he should be impeached. Now doesn't that stink of guilty until proven innocent? They have allegations against him and are going to use those to get rid of him. They aren't doing it to help the citizens of Illinois, no they are doing it to save their own jobs. The Republicans get to say see we told you so and the Demcrats are running as far away from him as possible so they can say they were lily white.

The problem is, they are acting too soon. The good governor has been charged with corruption but we don't know if it is true. He has been accused of crimes but who is to say that they are valid? Oh sure we think we know but do we? Don't get me wrong I want him out, I wanted him out the minute he walked in the door. I wanted him out when he refused to live in Springfield because his elemetary school daughter didn't want her life to be disrupted (thank goodness Presiden Obama felt differently) so he commuted from Chicago to Springfield on a daily basis.. That was the first time, I have wanted him out many times since.

I just don't want him out to advance another equally corrupt politicians career, I don't want him out at the expense of the Illinois taxpayer and I don't want him out just because I don't like him. I want him out because he has been voted out or convicted...

Call me silly but it is the way I am.

When Did I Get So Angry

When I was a child, teenager even young adult I was known for my amazing ability to smile. To see the bright side and to believe that good will prevail. Maybe I was naive but when did I get so angry?

It seems nowadays I am constantly just angry, I resent so much. I am frustrated and annoyed, irked and peeved. It just seems like I lost my ability to smile for real. Oh, I can still smile when called upon but the smile of true joy has been lost.

I am angry at life in general, I don't believe I have lived a life of such disastrous choices that I belong where I am. I have not indulged, I don't drink smoke or do drugs. For the majority of my adult life I have worked (shoot for the majority of my life I have worked). I don't expect perfection but an occasional day of peace would be nice.

I am angry at the Child Support System here in Illinois that thinks it is ok to delay my checks on a regular basis and then blame it on the post office. I am angry that I don't know if I will have a roof over my head or food on the table from day to day. I am angry that I can't afford to pay storage and may loose a lifetime of stuff. I am angry that I have been so damned alone for so long and everyone just thinks oh she is such a flake...

I am angry at being judged and found lacking, mentally spit upon by those who claim to love me. I am angry that I am deemed weak when the amount of internal strength it takes to just wake up and smile is astounding. I am angry that my children instead of stepping up and helping out point fingers and expect more from me.

I am angry that I have no one to share this with, that those I do share with think it means I want them to tell me that I am a failure and deserve what I get.. and most of all I am angry because I am always angry. By nature I am a positive person so the anger seeps into my soul and makes me cringe at the bitterness that comes from me.

sorry all, today I just needed to rant, tomorrow I will be better

Tired of Being Ugly

Somewhere along the line I stopped caring what I looked like. Now I am a reasonably attractive individaul. I am not super model beautiful but my face doesn't stop a clock either.. I have always dealt with the weight issues, some of the issues were manufactured and unreasonable, growing up in Southern California where a 21" waist was considered fat because I had hips. But a lot of my issues are accurate.

Now self image played a huge part, I thought I was fat so I became fat. And then there is the age old excuse it is my mother's fault who cares that I have been on my own for almost 30 years and I never had a major weight issue until after I did so. I can blame part of it on a bad marriage and depression but seriously what it comes down to is I stopped caring what I looked like. This week I pretty much decided that, that attitude just completely sucks.

Steps I am going to take to make changes, well for starters I am fat does that mean I have to be dumpy? No, so starting in the morning it is up to walk, then shower make up and hair. Not a major effort but one that makes an attitude adjustment. I have an extremely slow metabolism so the best way for me to loose weight is diet and exercise and yes the diet means eating.. not abstaining. So tomorrow after I walk, it will be a small breakfast to get the metabolism going..

I want to loose 130 lbs, but for next week I will be happy if I loose 5 (ok so i want to loose 20 but how realistic is that- I am going to be ecstatic with 5). Tomorrow I am going to take the before picture, I am going to post it here.. and you all get to loose the weight with me.

I figure the accountability will help but not just that if I take the steps to make a change in my life I will just feel better about me. Then I am gonna like me more, then I am just going to be a nicer person because I am happy and then my world will most probably settle back into it's proper orbit.

In the end it is not about loosing the weight which I wan to do but rather about taking charge and making a difference first in my life then we shall see where I go from there.

Loss

Today I saw the end of a relationship, these were two of my dearest friends and it has been horrible to watch. They have pushed and pulled and struggled harder than any two people I know to make it work.

But they were probably the least compatible two people I have ever met. They were great friends, a dynamic duo but when they put it all on the line committed to each other they crashed. And as with all crashes their was collateral damage, I am sure I am going to loose one if not both of them as friends. I will offer them what support I can but in the end I was part of their family and this part they can prune.

When in conversation with her she said she was through, no more and although I saw her pain, saw her anger I can't agree. I hope honestly and completely that she can one day look up and say yes I am ready to try again. To give my heart oh not anytime soon, that would be a joke. But I want her to see that love is something that we all should strive for, that we all should accept as our due. Oh we may never find it or not completely but to turn one's back on it? To say never again? That is condemning oneself to hell on earth.

For all the failures of my marriage and there were many to have never tried at all? What a loss that would have been. To say I will never love again? No, that is not likely. Not even in the darkest days did I say never again. I believe that we as humans need to love. We seek it out, we dream of the what if's and happily ever afters.. Oh love is not easy it is work, darned hard work but it is worth it. To be able to have that one person who holds you in the night, who keeps the demons away to even have that chance that whisper of hope? Yes it is all worth it.

To risk it all and loose has is so much better than than to never risk it at all.

Should I Go or Should I Stay

Over the last year I discovered that my hair had turned a rather pretty pewter. Now I have been coloring my hair for so long that I can almost forget my natural color. Well it was a nice warm honey brown and for the past few years I have found the perfect hair product to keep it that color.. It even matches some of my pictures from my 20's. But then one day last year when I noticed how very pretty the grey was.. I couldn't believe it I got that fabulous pewter color.. I thought I was gonna get stuck with that ash grey that so many blondes end up with. Anyway back on tangent, today I wondered.. no matter how pretty it may look, I am still young and it ads to my age.

So now I am in a pickle.. should I die it, go back to that pretty flattering warm honey brown that I have used over the years or should I be daring and go for va va voom, a saucy redhead could be fun... I have great skin and coloring for red hair.. having always had the wonderful red highlights.

And the best part? It will probably annoy my daughter to no end.. decisions decisions