Broken Dreams that Aren't

I have spent much time recently dealing with the past and will continue to do so. It's needed, sorry if these blogs seem down and depressing.. but it's kind of fun to be able to write about me.. and not have to listen to what's wrong with me.. 

But I had an interesting morning and wanted to share. I was feeling sort of broken, like I wasn't going to make it through the day (I have those a lot.. but look I always make it) and was going to write about it. So I started looking for pictures of broken stuff. What I found was an amazing assortment of art using broken materials. Beautiful, creative, captivating pictures.. That got me thinking..

We have all been broken in some matter or other.. ALL. OF. US.. some people can go through life never really feeling that pain. Some remain broken and are tossed aside, not because they are not wanted or loved but because they toss themselves there. Some, like me are broken and refuse to acknowledge it.. Some are truly broken and may be beyond repair..

The difference is, what do we do with our brokenness  Do we whine and cry and regret our broken dreams? Or do we create new ones from the pieces we have left?

I know I have deep deep dreams and things I still want to do with my life. I am 51 and free (sort of). My kids are grown, I don't own property, I really have nothing keeping me in one place.. So it's time I used those broken pieces to create new dreams.. for the life I  find.. not the one I didn't

Shauni

Don't worry all, I am sure tomorrow I will be back to being depressing *grins*

Doing Ok, So Far So Good

Me Now

I started my lifestyle change the other day and so far I am on track..

I have changed my eating habits.. small meals, no meals after 5 pm

I have started a very limited exercise program.. a walk to the park and around it twice then home

I have started taking care of me better.. not lazing around first thing in the morning but getting up starting my day right.. which includes putting on makeup - a soft layer that just shows I am taking time for me.

For those who wonder about my diet plans.. I need to loose around 175lbs.. yes that is way to much weight to have as a weight loss goal but I gained it so now, I must loose it..

I am on what my mom and I refer to as the three W's diet.. 

I Walk

I drink lots of Water

and I Watch what I eat!!

Not very fancy, not very "in" but instead a practical slow way to loose the weight that I have piled on over the years.  

Watching What I eat Portion sizes is actually one of the hardest things.. We are a supersize society.. we think in Extra Large.. I need to think in regular... The best part about it is I don't need to starve myself to loose weight I need to eat properly.. 

Water.. believe it or not this was hard. I had to stop drinking soda.. I have spent years treating soda like my main source of hydration.. yeah not healthy at all.. Worse, I drank diet soda.. do you know the damage diet soda does to your body? I did too, just chose to ignore it.. Finally at the beginning of March I gave up soda.. Not gee I am an soda alcoholic and can never have soda again.. but rather soda is a  TREAT therefor should only be drank/drunk/drinked on special occasions. I have had three individual sized sodas since. Just think I was drinking two, two liters every three days. And nothing else.. no tea, no milk, no juice just soda.. I am rather proud of this particular accomplishment.. 

Walking.. this is hard for me because I am pathetically out of shape. Me, the one most of my friends growing up would have called the athlete.. The jock.. now I am just the slug.. So walking it is.. slow and steady. Right now I am not even power walking. I get a cardio if I just get up off the couch.. So I get up.. walk out the door, to the park and around it! Right now just once a day but on Sunday I will start walking TWICE a day!! Sounds so easy doesn't it? 

Day by day it has already gotten easier.. my life is going to change.. I will be adding some other things for my mental health as well soon.

I want to seriously dedicate a minimum of two hours a day to my writing..

I want to spend some dedicated and scheduled time in my devotions.. no more gee God I don't have the time right now.. I am going to make it.

I want to get my hands on a camera and as I start venturing farther and farther afield I want to be able to photograph my world.. Find the joy again

and eventually.. I want to get a bike.. 

See where I am headed? I am adding some W's 

Wheels, Writing, Wondering (devotions) even *gasp* Working...

But for now it's baby steps and a trip around the park!

The More Things Change...

When I was in High School.. way back when.. there was a policy.. It focused on the entire separation of church and state concept. You know the one that was NEVER mentioned in the constitution? Anyway, they refused to allow us to have a Bible Study on campus. While all other clubs and groups were allowed this one wasn't. We fought, we petitioned and eventually the battle was won. I was not amongst the winners of that battle because I had transferred to a Private Christian High School, obviously having a Bible Study on campus was no longer an issue. But this battle stuck with me..

The reasoning was that because it was a "religious" group it was violating the constitutional rights of those who didn't believe. Not sure how that could be as it was a voluntary group of students who just wanted to share like minded beliefs. No on was forcing anyone to attend and certainly the school was not mandating it. It was on these arguments that the group won.

Skip ahead a generation, my daughter had a Bible Study at her HS.. and yes since it was a school club, they needed a sponsor and even though the sponsor was a Christian she was not allowed to participate in any way. She was there to unlock the doors, turn on the lights and make sure no school rules were broken, that was it. I had no problem with this.. it would have been nice had she been allowed to participate but I understand the basic rules. The thing is all the kids knew she shared their beliefs and would stand for them. They understood that while she was limited in that room, she was on their side in so many ways. Can you imagine the discomfort and dismay, even discouragement these kids would have had, if the sponsor didn't believe as they did. Say, the sponsor was an agnostic, an atheist.. shoot even a person of another faith.. It would underline them in some very insidious ways.. they would know.. they would fear sharing things.. and yes many might stop coming..

Now Vanderbilt University has instated a policy that requires religious student groups to accept leaders regardless of their faith, even requiring Christian groups to allow atheist leadership. The school has outrageously compared these Christian groups to segregationists. There is a petition being sent to Vanderbilt that says..

"To: Vanderbilt University
You have compared Christian student groups to segregationists because they want the same rights as other Christian organizations in America — the same rights the Supreme Court unanimously affirmed this year — the right to use faith-based criteria when selecting leaders. We demand that you immediately reverse your new policy that discriminates against these students."

If you want to support the rights of these individuals, if you want to ensure that everyone's Constitutional rights are secure.. that yes even Christians are allowed their faith.. you can go HERE to sign the petition.

Shauni

And Yet I Doubt!

As many of you know, financially my life has not been what I can call secure.. even when at it's best it was a constant struggle to raise four kids in today's world and to well be able to pay for it. We have muddled through.. but there are times when I wonder if we are going to make it. We ALWAYS do..

For some reason, my child support checks were yet again going absent.. you must understand on very few occasions has it been the ex's fault. The gov't garnishes his wages so when he works, I get paid. And to be fair.. the man worked!! He gave all of his best parts to his job.. of course when the economy tanked.. he lost his job.. got it back as a temp and then lost it again.. so now we are dealing with unemployment and the temporary agency's need to contest said unemployment.. I have a problem with that, but that is a different story.

I was unable to contact him, so I went and tracked him down.. understand that we don't have a bad relationship all things considered.. you know, I do all the work and he pays what the gov't makes him.. anyway, I found him and he is not looking good. It kind of hurt because this was just a beautiful man and to see what alcohol has done to him, hurts..ok.. still not the point.

When I found him, he explained that his money was on hold and who knows when he would see unemployment again.. ok.. life sucks but I can deal, seriously I only have until July anyway.

I came home and was told, the bill that needed to be paid.. TODAY.. was paid.. how? Well PITA Boy paid it.. I was confused, I knew he had no money.. well seems like he got paid a day early.. I know.. to many this is not a miracle.. but think about it.. I had a need.. and God provided.. what exactly would you call it?

I have often in my life failed God... but HE HAS NEVER FAILED ME!!

Making It Public - Part 3

Today marks the final part for my three pronged blog on taking my faith out into the world. I hope you have enjoyed the previous two. My finally personal verse that I took with me upon leaving school was Philippians 4:13

I can do all things

Through Christ who strengthens me

Is that not a totally empowering concept? I can do ALL things. As I have pointed out in previous blogs I was an arrogant child. The concept that I could do anything was not new to me. I honestly believed that all I had to do was set my mind to it and I could achieve whatever I wanted. In a way I still do believe just that, one of my personal crosses I carry. Did you note how I conveniently forgot part of the verse?

Upon leaving school I rushed forward ready to take on the world. After all I could do anything! Anything that is except succeed, everytime I tried something I failed. I self imploded no one was out to get my I was just unable to stay on course. I became best at was surviving.

Everytime a challenge came my way I did not rejoice and accept God's support, no I worked hard to battle on, on my own. Oh I would usually complete the challenge but each success took a piece of me. My survival became my triumph there was no praise to God. There was no rejoicing no there was a smirk my battle cry became I did this all by myself. Each victory was hollow and each failure consumed me. Oh I could rationalize, I could even make myself a hero in the eyes of the world my trials had been legion, my survival an accomplishment. Of course it was my success not one single Glory to God. Forgetting or refusing to apply the entire verse is an eventual recipe for disaster. The verse is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It doesn't mean I am going to conquer the world, no it means when God shows His plans, no matter how hard, no matter how difficult it may seem, with God behind us, with the power of the Spirit flowing through us WE CAN DO ANYTHING! Conquer any crises, survive any trial and when we do it, it is not our glory no it is God's. The spotlight is removed from us and transferred to God. The glow that shines forth embraces us all

Over my adult life I have struggled and stumbled many times. I have gone without as often as I have had plenty. My life has been about feast as well as famine I have never quite managed that even keel, that nice balance, that sure and steady. Nope not me I am an all or nothing kind of girl. May I suggest if you have a choice choose a different way of living.

One of the most amazing things about God is He allows us our idiocy. He allows our struggles then when we finally admit we are lost without Him, He raises us up and uses those same struggles to bring Glory to Him. As a Child of God even our failures are God's triumphs.

As I prepared for this series I have written I went back and really read all of my verses. Went straight to the Bible and refrained from going from memory. I took the time to really do my research to make sure I do not take quotes out of context or misrepresent God's word. In doing so I was so amazed when I re-read this verse. I not only read the verse but the ones previous to it. Instead of just Phil 4:13 I think I should embrace verses 10-13

(10) I Rejoiced in the Lord greatly

that now at length you have

revived your concern for me. You

were indeed concerned for me

but you had no opportunity

(11) Not that I am speaking

of being in need for I

have learned in whatever

situation I am in to be content

(12) I know how to be brought low

and I know how to abound in any

and every circumstance

I have learned the secret of

facing plenty and hunger

abundance and need

(13) I can do all things through Him

who strengthens me.

WOW! Praise God for truly I have been blessed.

Looking back this almost 30 years I realized that I would choose these same three Bible verses to carry forth with me.. Oh I would hope I will do so with humility and grace. That I would take advantage of all the words God gives me through His book but I will always treasure these three verses.

For God so loved the world.

They that wait upon the Lord.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

LUCKY LUCKY me, I am loved.

Making It Public - Part 2

Upon leaving High School in 1980 I was completely prepared to go forth and live my life for Christ. Well as prepared as an 18 year old can be for facing the adult world. I was well armoured and ready to become a soldier of Christ (a phrase from my childhood) more than that I was excited. I had my armour, my shield and my banner and of course those three verses that I had claimed as my very own.

Number 2 was

Is 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength

They shall mount up with wings as eagles

They shall run and not be weary

They shall walk and not feint.

One of the benefits of attending a private protestant high school is the fact that they not only teach you the bible they expect you to incorporate your learning into your everyday life. We used bible verses as part of each of our classes, clubs and teams. Each group would pick a verse that they felt best described them and would use it as part of their meditations, in a way it was another form of a mascot only this time it was the mascot of our faith. Is 40:31 was something of an "it" verse back in the day. It was used frequently it didn't hurt that it had been put to music and was sung often during chapel as well as at church. Our softball team even used it as our team verse so obviously it must be a good one..

Can anyone tell me what a child can possibly know about waiting, this is the age group that invented the phrase "are we there yet". As a teenager waiting means dreading that the phone won't ring and you won't have a date for the weekend or waiting for the results of a particularly difficult test, or waiting to see if you made the play or the team or won the election. Or standing at home plate and waiting for that perfect pitch. Needless to say I had no clue what waiting was and even less on waiting upon God.

When I left school I had such great plans, fantastic hopes and dreams. I had no idea how I was going to make these plans, hopes and dreams happen only that surely they would all fall into place. I knew God had plans for me I even had an idea of what they were. Even now all these years later I believe that. What I didn't understand was that God didn't just have plans for me He had a plan! I knew I was supposed to be a wife and mother. I knew that God had these plans for me, that this was where I would serve God best. Accepting these plans would be defying my family but I understood that I needed to follow God. And yes I said defying. My family expected me to be a doctor, a lawyer, president, a career woman. An interesting mover and shaker. So believe me when I say being "just" a wife and mother was a defiance. I was told "no one has a right to freeload like that" that I was "wasting my brain" and other such things.

Because of the way I was brought up I honestly believed I was "sacrificing" my life for God. But I am an arrogant fool, God gives you your gifts does that not mean He expects us to use them? And when you follow God's plan for you, you do it in His time not yours.

When I was 22 I met a man, a totally unsuitable man, one who had been wicked and wild

divorced not once but twice but he had turned his back on that and was dedicated to family or so he said. He was a good son a dedicated father, charismatic and sexy. He was the flame and I was the moth circling it until I was all but blind to God's plans. I knew I was getting older (ok, stop laughing I was 22 that is old when you are 22) and I needed to get on with God's plan. I was so afraid that no one was going to want me (again not waiting for God and certainly not trusting in Him) no one would love me that I would be alone for the rest of my life missing out on the chance to be wife and mother I rushed into a relationship. Looking back, knowing the two of us as I do now I have to admit I not only rushed into it I forced it. What a disaster!!! I survived a marriage that can easily be described as hell on earth. No joy, no happiness, no life of living according to God's plan. There was misery, despair, disdain, drudgery and contempt. God was not a part of my marriage! I am lucky that God did not abandon me but no instead He continued to protect me even in my arrogance. I stayed in that fiasco of a marriage for 10 long years before finally ending it.

Even then I did not as for God's guidance I knew what had to be done. Yet with every wrong choice, every time I rushed forward knowing what was wrong and ready to fix it all by myself. God blessed and protected me. Why? well not because I am some prize of a follower nope because He loves me and has plans for me. It took me a long long time to let go and really let God. I would pray but then I would start bargaining, then I would ask for forgiveness and say I knew I wasn't supposed to try and bargain with Him, then I would ask for help but I would lay out my plans and let Him know how I needed His help. I did not listen to what He wanted done and I certainly did not wait upon His plans.. Oh arrogant, arrogant child. Can you not just picture God sitting there shaking His head after we finished our little talks? I am so lucky that God did not give up on me.

Now I find myself praying not for what I need as much as for the ability to wait upon God's timing. That I will learn to listen not control. Even as I write this I wonder at my motives. Am I truly trying to share what God has done in my life? Or am I trying to manipulate God's plans again? See one of the negatives to rushing God's plans is that when He speaks you are not quite sure if it is Him. I mean we don't get a lot of burning bushes these days. So you tremble and pray it isn't once again your ego and arrogance taking charge trying to "fix" things.

I submit these words to God asking Him to use them as He sees fit, even if that means He doesn't use them at all. I hope finally I am on the right path and am using one of the gifts He gave me in a manner that becomes Him. and yes, I am praying that I learn to listen and wait.

Making It Public - Part 1

Recently while I was at church part of the sermon was about Making Your Faith Public. This caught my attention. I started writing about my faith and the three bible verses that have made the hugest impact in my life. Instead of writing one huge blog I decided to break it down into three parts this is part 1.

On June 13, 1980 I graduated from Whittier Christian High School. I was full of faith both in God's love and in my ability to accept God's plan in my life and to live a rich and full life in Christ. I left fully armed with the shield of my faith. I was well educated in my faith and inspired by three Bible verses. They were my banner that proceeded me, that declared my faith to the world.

The first was John 3:16 what I believe to be the very foundation of the Christian belief

For God so loved the world

He gave His only begotten Son

So whosoever believith in Him

Shall not perish

But have eternal life.

Pretty basic, God loved us enough to send His Son. To live as man, a perfect life then in His Prime, well I suppose due to the time He was probably pushing towards the end of the average life span but no matter. Anyway At the age of 33 He was accused, tried and convicted of I guess NOT being the Son of God. He was mocked, vilified and finally crucified left to die a horrid and torturous death. We all know the story it has been told over and over again, in film, on TV, in our homes, at our churches. It has been told so much it has taken on almost mythic proportions. Passed along until it has reached fairytale status. We will see the verse blazoned on poster board at a

What an arrogant child I was and like the sheep The Great Shepard claimed us to be I followed the path of least resistance. Seeing the verse I would shake my head, silently mock the person who dared post it, occasionally I would quote it to myself or to those around me, to show my intelligence and Christian education.

One day I started to think just what that verse means. I am a parent I have four beautiful, wonderful children. God more than blessed me with these fabulous shining stars. They constantly bring joy and light into my life. They make my world a wondrous place to be. I watch them grow and develop see them starting out on the paths of their lives, see the things they may accomplish and the people they may become. I have a fierce love for them, intense and proud as only a parent can be. Now as an adult a parent I look at that verse and think. God loved the world - ME - so much He sent His Son to die for me, to be mocked and tortured and crucified for me. So my sins can be washed away.

Let me put this into perspective, real honest perspective. I have a deep and true love for several people the love of a friend to others and general brotherly love to the world. The love that one of God's children should show to the world. Even then knowing that I care, that I want to spend eternity in heaven with you all. There is NO WAY, NO CONCEIVABLE WAY, that I would allow, let alone send forth one (let alone my ONLY one) of my children to suffer such humiliation. To sacrifice even a hair on their heads (ok that is extreme but you get my point) to die for anyone's sins. To let them go KNOWING in advance what would be done to them. Yet God, in His amazing grace did just that. He sent His perfect Son down to live among us, die for us, to die for me..

Oh arrogant vain me, never again will I presume to understand what real unconditional love is. I can only begin to discover what an amazing gift God gave me. Now when I see that verse, plastered on poster board waving in the end zone at a sporting event or on a leaflet, I will not mock that person. No I will give thanks to God because He loved me so much. I will give thanks to God that someone is out there reminding me how much God loved me. Shoot I may just go make a few poster boards myself. I will do what I can to make Jesus' sacrifice a commonplace fact. One every single person I know is aware of. Then I will rejoice that I was given such an opportunity.

A New Dawn

So life has once again gotten interesting... these past two years have been dark, very dark a difficult place for me to be. Me the woman who honestly believes that there is always good, always a silver lining, the glass is always (just a bit over half full)...

I have been known to drive those who know me completely bonkers with what they call my inability to face reality. What they don't understand it isn't not facing reality it is refusing to let reality run my life.. I mean I know my life is difficult, I know I have been a single mother raising four kids on her own for 12 years now. I know life has been a series of bad choices and rotten luck for many of them. But I also know I have met some amazing and wonderful people along the way. I know I have faced my demons and walked away from them. I know that I would not have done so had my life been different. So I choose to rejoice!! I choose to be grateful for what I have no longer wallow in what I have not!

I firmly believe the true miracles in our lives come not from grand sweeping gestures from God (and yes I have had those) but in the fact that tomorrow the sun will still come up. That eventually I will have worked my way out of these troubles and found joy in my accomplishment. That I remembered to lift my burdens to God along the way, that I remembered that I am not in charge merely along for the ride and that I have been given an amazing gift of the life I have. If that makes me an idealist, one who lives in fantasyland.. then hello fantasyland!! cuz I am so not leaving..

Did You Ever??

Did you ever express yourself for the sheer joy of sharing who and what you are and find out later that your words hurt someone else? Did you ever wonder why it is that no matter what you say it is the wrong thing? Did you ever try to live your own life and not make it about others and then find out that you are making it all about you?

Recently I have had some pretty crappy times, I have leaned on people and frankly I hate it. Because I hate taking from people I am not gracious with it yet with the way things have been going about in my life for the past year I have needed all the charity I can get.

The things is charity is an interesting thing, people expect something back from it. If you are lucky all they expect is for you to pick yourself up and pay it forward. The thing is picking yourself back up is hard sometimes seemingly impossible. Especially when you are being monitored and watched for mistakes.When your very words of growth are used as an attack on those who have loved you in the past.

I have been given a lot lately, by people who genuinely cared I accepted it in the vein it was offered but now I wonder should I have not.. should I have just accepted the consequences of my choices and moved on? and then I decided, I am so imperfect.. I am such a flawed and broken vessel... who am I to decide what I am worthy or unworthy of?

So today I am reminding myself of a simple and basic truth, choosing to live by it.. bring it close to my heart and truly listen to the words.. and sometimes it means remembering to love yourself..

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7