Broken Dreams that Aren't

I have spent much time recently dealing with the past and will continue to do so. It's needed, sorry if these blogs seem down and depressing.. but it's kind of fun to be able to write about me.. and not have to listen to what's wrong with me.. 

But I had an interesting morning and wanted to share. I was feeling sort of broken, like I wasn't going to make it through the day (I have those a lot.. but look I always make it) and was going to write about it. So I started looking for pictures of broken stuff. What I found was an amazing assortment of art using broken materials. Beautiful, creative, captivating pictures.. That got me thinking..

We have all been broken in some matter or other.. ALL. OF. US.. some people can go through life never really feeling that pain. Some remain broken and are tossed aside, not because they are not wanted or loved but because they toss themselves there. Some, like me are broken and refuse to acknowledge it.. Some are truly broken and may be beyond repair..

The difference is, what do we do with our brokenness  Do we whine and cry and regret our broken dreams? Or do we create new ones from the pieces we have left?

I know I have deep deep dreams and things I still want to do with my life. I am 51 and free (sort of). My kids are grown, I don't own property, I really have nothing keeping me in one place.. So it's time I used those broken pieces to create new dreams.. for the life I  find.. not the one I didn't

Shauni

Don't worry all, I am sure tomorrow I will be back to being depressing *grins*

Surviving Life

It has been a hard couple of months for me. I knew it was time to move on, time to live life for a different purpose but I had no clue how to do it. I was lost in the doldrums and no Tock (Phantom Tollbooth reference) 

to help me out. I dreamed these huge dreams but couldn't get my feet to start on the path. I know that dreams do not come true because you make a wish in a fountain, but because you work hard every day to make them so. Unfortunately, I didn't have the energy to work to make my dreams come true.. I had spent too many years just surviving and making sure that my kids dreams stood a chance. 

So now, there I was, 50 and on the precipice. I needed to move forward but for a solid year I stagnated... did nothing..worse I slipped back into despair. Fortunately I had friends who helped me. But that was a stop gap measure at best. I needed more.. A kick in the pants, maybe.. but that was ever available to me. No what I needed was a chance to allow the dream. A Chance to become me, not the person I had spent a lifetime being. 

I have no regrets on the choices I made.. sure better choices would have made for an easier life but mine made for fabulous kids. Strong, independent, unique individuals who fight their own battles and slay their own dragons.. So those choices were right for then.. for now, not so much. Now I need to find my own dragons.. and for me, it's not to slay them but to enjoy them. 

Once a long time ago my mom commented on how non of her children dreamed of anything.. She had spent a lifetime of dreaming of going somewhere, wait everywhere.. of seeing the world. Those were her dreams. What she never understood was that just because we didn't have her dreams didn't mean we didn't have dreams. My dreams were different. Sure I want to go everywhere see everything.. but me on a plane, train or automobile and I am a happy camper.. But my dreams my true dreams are different. I dream of places others don't see. I dream of dragons and warriors, of mysterious worlds and secret gardens.. I dream of rolling hills of grass that can only be accessed by climbing down a secret ladder at the base of my Grandma's avocado tree.. 

Those dreams need to be discovered.. and shared. So I will be spending some times sharing them. Yes, I am going to attempt to tell the stories that have been living in my head for decades. To share my world with those around me. To explain my dreams.. Scary thought but it's so going to happen!!

Fortunately, my cousin and his wife have opened their home to me and offered me a chance to get my dreams under control.. what a gift I never thought I would have. 

So for a while you will be hearing about some interesting combinations.. I might be talking about site seeing around Pittsburgh OR.. I might be talking about flying Dragons.. who knows which will seem more real..

Shauni

Reflections

Last Friday I celebrated my 51st birthday.. It was a quiet day but held a lot of meaning for me. Ever since I had children the plan was for me to be finished raising them by the time I was 50. Originally it meant that my husband and I would be empty nesters and would be able to enjoy our golden years... But 10 years into marriage that sort of tanked. 

There I was with four children ages 9,7,5 and 3... at the very beginning of an amazing journey. Over the years there has been homelessness, poverty, unemployment and evictions. The one and only thing I managed to do for my children was raise them in the same town they were born in. A small town nesteled in the suburbs of Chicago. A Place where the head librarian knew if you needed help with your homework. Where if your children were up to no good across town, you knew about it before they got home. A place that celebrated it's children with a decent school system, a good park district, an excellent library and a community minded Village Hall. All of this and still just a short 20 minutes away from downtown Chicago. What a great place.. But it was never my place.. I existed there.. for my kids. 

My youngest left for the Univ of Wyoming last Fall and yes she came home for Christmas but isn't coming home for summer break.. My second youngest left for Western IL Univ almost three years ago and has never really come home.. My boys.. well the oldest is 25 and on his own path.. Finding his way and living his dreams.. My second son, he has finally found a path he wants to follow.. oh sure he may change his mind but he is headed out. 

What does this mean to me? Well it means finally I can fly.. it's my turn to soar... Oh sure I haven't planned it, I didn't save for it (since I spent every last penny I had and then some on the kids) but now I am going. Will I be judged? Heck yeah, it's already begun.. Even my kids are shaking their heads and judging how I am going about. "That's not the way it's done" "You have to do it this way?" How is it that I managed to raise FOUR kids three of which are in college ON. MY. OWN... and yet everyone thinks I am useless? Incapable of standing on my own two feet?

Part of it is my fault.. the last five years have been really hard on me.. I lost my inner way.. I sunk into depression and had to fight really really hard to get out. And yes I lived way too much in my head (I personally like the world that goes on in my head but it doesn't pay the bills). But honestly people.. I did it your way for years.. what did it get me personally? Five years of depression!! Now I have to do it my way! It's going to be hard.. It's going to be a struggle but you know what? I have been struggling for years for everyone else. Now I get to struggle for me! 

What do I want out of it? It's simple really.. I want forever! I want the magic of a midnight moon and the wonder of a mountain meadow. I want joy and laughter and friendship.. oh how I want friendship.. I don't want to be alone anymore. While living in my head is fun it is lonely.. 

So my friends the adventure begins!!

Shauni

Alone in the Darkness

Have you ever had one of those moments when you know you stand alone? When life just seems to be falling apart around you? When you know this time you are seriously going to crash and burn? Of course you have.. we all have. 

What do you do about it? How do you manage it? What gives you hope? How do you carry on? It's a question that has come to my attention a lot lately. 

It seems that in the past few years I have been walking that lovely tightrope between despair and delight.. Never knowing which way my life was going to turn and having absolutely no clue what to do about it? How do I get out of this trap? Off the treadmill? How does one step out of the darkness and into the light? 

I don't want to say that I am depressed or totally lost. Of course that might be the problem.. maybe if I didn't know I could find a way out, I would stop looking.. Maybe if I wasn't able to shoulder everything, I could walk away and breathe. 

I lost my job 5 years ago and I have not been able to get out of this funk that I have been in ever since. Oh there are moments of hope.. moments of light but then I stumble back into the darkness. Absolutely no desire to deal with it. Just hide behind the obvious rather than looking for a way out. I am on a precipice.. and one more wrong move.. or worse, if I make the same move again.. I might just loose my mind. 

Repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again gets old fast! I get tired of believing in that one thing that is just out of reach.. just at the end of my fingertips. I want more but I have no idea where to find it. Where to find the door in my circular room. 

It's weird because inside I have this split.. I see so much, I dream so big and yet I see darkness and failure. Loss of light.. It's hard to get a handle on it. I know I will carry on, I will keep going but I just wish I could go in the right direction.. Shoot I just wish I could go in ANY direction. 

Shauni

NaNoWriMo... Wish Me Luck

Time to put my dreams to the test.. wish me luck! I am so going to give this a try!

What is your greatest dream?

What is your greatest dream? Mine is rather odd since there are so many things I could do and could do well but the one thing I dream of has never come to pass. I want to matter. I want to matter not because I pay the bills or you gave birth to me or because I will do all the work for you. I want to matter not because I have raised you or fought battles for you...

No I want to matter. I want someone to come to me and say you matter, your smile brings me joy.. your spirit makes my world a better place. No gee since you are such a wholesome girl next door you are my last chance at normal life. or you need someone who believes in you. No I want you to believe in me.

I want to be the reason someone wakes up not be blamed because someone gets a speeding ticket... I want to be the reason someone is proud not the reason they say they try and commit suicide.

I want someone to look at me and say the way you laugh at life is an inspiration not gee you live in a fantasy world. I want to be special to someone.. anyone.. just once I want to matter...

and the seriously sad part is I don't matter.. and it wouldn't matter if I took life seriously or not. It doesn't matter if I smile of if I cry accept when I cry it annoys people. So I learned to smile.. it makes everyone else happier.. feel like they are allowed to be awful human beings.. I want to matter enough that someone I have adored since childhood speaks to me not gets angry and doesn't speak to me for over 12 years because of a piece of material..

I want to matter.. oh I know I won't I am not blessed enough to be surrounded by people who value me.. but oh I dream...