Reflections

Last Friday I celebrated my 51st birthday.. It was a quiet day but held a lot of meaning for me. Ever since I had children the plan was for me to be finished raising them by the time I was 50. Originally it meant that my husband and I would be empty nesters and would be able to enjoy our golden years... But 10 years into marriage that sort of tanked. 

There I was with four children ages 9,7,5 and 3... at the very beginning of an amazing journey. Over the years there has been homelessness, poverty, unemployment and evictions. The one and only thing I managed to do for my children was raise them in the same town they were born in. A small town nesteled in the suburbs of Chicago. A Place where the head librarian knew if you needed help with your homework. Where if your children were up to no good across town, you knew about it before they got home. A place that celebrated it's children with a decent school system, a good park district, an excellent library and a community minded Village Hall. All of this and still just a short 20 minutes away from downtown Chicago. What a great place.. But it was never my place.. I existed there.. for my kids. 

My youngest left for the Univ of Wyoming last Fall and yes she came home for Christmas but isn't coming home for summer break.. My second youngest left for Western IL Univ almost three years ago and has never really come home.. My boys.. well the oldest is 25 and on his own path.. Finding his way and living his dreams.. My second son, he has finally found a path he wants to follow.. oh sure he may change his mind but he is headed out. 

What does this mean to me? Well it means finally I can fly.. it's my turn to soar... Oh sure I haven't planned it, I didn't save for it (since I spent every last penny I had and then some on the kids) but now I am going. Will I be judged? Heck yeah, it's already begun.. Even my kids are shaking their heads and judging how I am going about. "That's not the way it's done" "You have to do it this way?" How is it that I managed to raise FOUR kids three of which are in college ON. MY. OWN... and yet everyone thinks I am useless? Incapable of standing on my own two feet?

Part of it is my fault.. the last five years have been really hard on me.. I lost my inner way.. I sunk into depression and had to fight really really hard to get out. And yes I lived way too much in my head (I personally like the world that goes on in my head but it doesn't pay the bills). But honestly people.. I did it your way for years.. what did it get me personally? Five years of depression!! Now I have to do it my way! It's going to be hard.. It's going to be a struggle but you know what? I have been struggling for years for everyone else. Now I get to struggle for me! 

What do I want out of it? It's simple really.. I want forever! I want the magic of a midnight moon and the wonder of a mountain meadow. I want joy and laughter and friendship.. oh how I want friendship.. I don't want to be alone anymore. While living in my head is fun it is lonely.. 

So my friends the adventure begins!!

Shauni