Surviving Life

It has been a hard couple of months for me. I knew it was time to move on, time to live life for a different purpose but I had no clue how to do it. I was lost in the doldrums and no Tock (Phantom Tollbooth reference) 

to help me out. I dreamed these huge dreams but couldn't get my feet to start on the path. I know that dreams do not come true because you make a wish in a fountain, but because you work hard every day to make them so. Unfortunately, I didn't have the energy to work to make my dreams come true.. I had spent too many years just surviving and making sure that my kids dreams stood a chance. 

So now, there I was, 50 and on the precipice. I needed to move forward but for a solid year I stagnated... did nothing..worse I slipped back into despair. Fortunately I had friends who helped me. But that was a stop gap measure at best. I needed more.. A kick in the pants, maybe.. but that was ever available to me. No what I needed was a chance to allow the dream. A Chance to become me, not the person I had spent a lifetime being. 

I have no regrets on the choices I made.. sure better choices would have made for an easier life but mine made for fabulous kids. Strong, independent, unique individuals who fight their own battles and slay their own dragons.. So those choices were right for then.. for now, not so much. Now I need to find my own dragons.. and for me, it's not to slay them but to enjoy them. 

Once a long time ago my mom commented on how non of her children dreamed of anything.. She had spent a lifetime of dreaming of going somewhere, wait everywhere.. of seeing the world. Those were her dreams. What she never understood was that just because we didn't have her dreams didn't mean we didn't have dreams. My dreams were different. Sure I want to go everywhere see everything.. but me on a plane, train or automobile and I am a happy camper.. But my dreams my true dreams are different. I dream of places others don't see. I dream of dragons and warriors, of mysterious worlds and secret gardens.. I dream of rolling hills of grass that can only be accessed by climbing down a secret ladder at the base of my Grandma's avocado tree.. 

Those dreams need to be discovered.. and shared. So I will be spending some times sharing them. Yes, I am going to attempt to tell the stories that have been living in my head for decades. To share my world with those around me. To explain my dreams.. Scary thought but it's so going to happen!!

Fortunately, my cousin and his wife have opened their home to me and offered me a chance to get my dreams under control.. what a gift I never thought I would have. 

So for a while you will be hearing about some interesting combinations.. I might be talking about site seeing around Pittsburgh OR.. I might be talking about flying Dragons.. who knows which will seem more real..

Shauni

Validation

I am one of the single most insecure people that there is. I am constantly looking for validation, looking to impress people with my wit, intelligence, charm, whatever. I long for people to tell me I have worth. 

I know you should never place your worth in the hands of others.. It just isn't good. But I do it. Constantly looking for approval. It's a scary thing because I have lead an interesting life, have more than average intelligence, am personable.. sure I need to loose weight but that's not what I need validation for. Oh yeah, it would be totally cool if I lost all the weight and came home looking smokin hawt.. But that is something I could actually do for myself. Shoot, do the work.. loose the weight. Guess that is why it doesn't bother me so much (it does but not about my self worth) 

What destroys me is when people don't recognize my brain.. my individuality.. When I was young and labeled in school, life was good. For a little while, only trouble was, I wasn't a rocket scientist.. I am a cut and paste kind of girl. No one got that.. so I spent years and I mean years trying to impress people. It didn't work because I was still living for others. If I would have just said screw it and became myself, I probably would have all the validation I needed. See the lesson there? Be true to yourself and you tend to impress others, live to impress others and you are constantly failing. 

Anyway, as I know most of you are aware, I write two book review blogs, Bodice Rippers, Femme Fatales and Fantasy and Tea and Book.  But because they are about romance books, I tend to separate them from my regular life. I mean, admit I like romance books? Yeah.. right.  But lately I have been writing reviews and loving the heck out of it.. I do it for me.. not anyone else, like I said I rarely even tell my family and/or friends that I read romance books let alone review them. ANYWAY things have taken an amazing turn. 

Author Alyssa Day, liked my review so much she is putting it in the front of her next book The Cursed. You know where you see quotes from people in the business about other books written by the author? Yep, I am going there!!

Author Christina Dodd, reprinted my quote on her Facebook Page and Twitter

Author Ashlyne Laynne mentioned my in her book Progeny 

And several authors have mentioned me on their websites.. 

BUT TODAY

the most amazing thing happened. I went to Amazon to post a review and I saw the editorial quotes.. you know what I am talking about? The blurbs used to get readers excited? Well on the book If you Give a Rake a Ruby.. AMAZON posted a quote from BR.. yep that's me!! I was practically jumping up and down.

Then I realized. I was being validated.. Not because I was looking for it but because I was doing something I was good at and something I loved. I was sharing me!! Go Figure..

Shauni

NaNoWriMo... Wish Me Luck

Time to put my dreams to the test.. wish me luck! I am so going to give this a try!