Just One Moment Can Change Everything

As you know, I am trying to deal with a lifetime of ignoring things. Or rather a lifetime of using the talent of ignoring things as a way to cope with my surrounding world.

I have never really ignored things.. I just refused to let them affect me. Not always a good thing because you spend so much time pushing them down, ever deeper that you aren't even aware that they are corroding you. 

Years ago (I was pregnant with PITA BOY) we were all home for Christmas, the last time. I hadn't seen my older brother in years. He has had a hard and difficult life.. anyway, it had been years since we had seen each other and I was really excited. But, one single comment ruined the entire experience for me. And in a way ruined another part of me.

I used to be a nervous giggler.. when I was angry I either cried or giggled but when I was in a tense situation I giggled. It was an escape valve.. let some pressure off. But you see, I wasn't allowed to feel pressure. What did I have to feel pressure about. I was the "good" child. Honestly, folks do you even realize how hard it is to constantly be the "good" child? The one that can be pushed aside because she is happy all the time? Or whose issues are not as important because, well she is happy and smiling? The one who NEVER causes any problems.. and yet gets in constant trouble (due to coming directly after the problem child). Yeah, no pressure there. But at that time, I was just excited.. So it was excited tension. And Doug, the brother I had adored, whom I had spent a lifetime being taught was more important than I. looked at me with this subtle contempt and said "I forgot how annoying that giggle of yours is" swoosh in one moment I was destroyed..

And now 23 years later, no one can accuse me of being a giggler. No one has since that day. It was destroyed.. One final cut, in a lifetime of cuts. I have never told anyone that story. Never let anyone know how deeply that devastated me. Probably because no one would have seen it for what it was. What they would have seen was me being "over sensitive" (I honestly HATE that phrase)

I don't know when I started protecting the feelings of others at the expense of my own. But I do.. I push my feelings ever deeper.. taking the pains of others into myself. Taking the opinions and slights into myself, making them my reality. Using their more than slightly skewered "facts" to shape my reality.. To make my choices.. 

The thing is we never know how one simple phrase can destroy a person.. likewise we never know how a single act of kindness can change a life. We read stories about it all the time.. but do we actively work at being the person who smiles at others? Who wants to be kind? I used to be that person naturally but let others beat at me until I became hard, brittle, angry.. Honestly, I am not overly fond of that person.

I have this friend, who reviews on my book blogs with me. She is this bright light, constant joy, almost innocent.. yet I know her life has not been perfect. I know she has had challenges and disappointments. She just didn't let them ruin the inner her.. I admire her so much for her strength. Her ability to live life as herself. She doesn't know that she inspires me daily. In some ways she inspired me to reclaim myself. To be truly me again..

Working on it folks!!

Shauni

Declaration

These next few blogs are going to be dark, they are going to be harsh and they are going to share some truths. Some truths about me that might or might not make you, the reader, think I am whining, I am holding on to the past, I am complaining... I am not. And even if I am, these blogs are about me.. if you think you are mentioned, unless I specifically say your name or designation, ie.. my son, daughter, etc.. it isn't about you. Get over yourself. Why do I say this? Well because everytime I try and express what is going on inside of me, someone accuses me of one of those things.. I and stop.. I have come to a point in my life where I can no longer stop because what I am saying makes someone else uncomfortable. I have to get this out. 

That being said, I don't need validation or encouragement either. For once that is not what this is about. This is about me getting it out.. 

Not too long ago, I realized that I didn't feel anything. Literally nothing.. No deep emotions, no feeling of great love for my kids, no passion, no joy, nothing. I couldn't even really cry. What the heck? I have always been "too" emotional. To wake up and realized that I have none bothered me. I even asked myself was I a sociopath (not the murder and/or abuse because I don't know right from wrong type of sociopath, but the gee I am empty of all emotions type of sociopath). I honestly don't know if you can be a sociopath and not be evil but that's not the point. Sociopaths have no emotion and I had none.. I was like this empty husk going about the motions.. and that bothered me, sort of.. 

Then I really looked and realized that yes the emotions were there but I had just pushed them down so deep that nothing was escaping. Ok, that made me feel a little better. Sort of.. 

I realized that I had spent so many years trying to be what I was "supposed" to be that I had completely and totally shut out myself. I wanted to be loved, accepted, believed in so desperately that I refused myself. I refused to accept myself.  I woke up and realized a few things.. I was afraid.. very afraid.. what would I do to myself? I mean I had already denied me.. I had already done so much damage to me.. At this point in my life I am actually unable to function in society. I can't make myself even function. Wow!! I really am the deadbeat loser that some judge me to be. 

This hurts.. why am I fat? Because I believe I am supposed to be.. Why am I alone? Because I honestly believe that I am unworthy of friends and family. What have I done to myself? I no longer laugh.. you know that belly laugh that cleanses the soul and makes everyone around you join in? I used to laugh like that. I used to sing.. songs of joy, of friends, of God, shoot of big blue phrogs.. but I stopped doing that long ago. 

Who is this person I have become? Why have I let those that will never believe in me turn me into this lost and lonely person? Why do I need their approval so desperately? I am never ever going to get it.. 

So the real question is, how do I let that go? One of the ways is to speak of it. To voice it, acknowledge it and set it free. For years I kept my silence because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. well too bad.. you hurt mine. You shattered my soul.. and I am putting it back together and this time you don't have the power to take it.. I am taking that stand.. I am also pretty safe in making it, as the people that I so desperately want to approve of, have never and will never read this blog. I mean it's important to me, so I am pretty sure they could care less. yeah, yeah I know tough talk from a wuss like me.. 

This is going to be a purge.. Me taking the hurts out one by one and letting them go. And when I am done, I hope it will help me fell clean. Lighter, freer  I hope I will rejoice. Part of me worries about the fall out.. but I am going to make myself go forward. I am tired of being lost. I am tired of the darkness that constantly surrounds me. I am declaring myself.. and I am scared to death! 

Shauni

When the Juggling Stops

Day to day life can be scary.. There are bills to pay, children to feed, lives to lead.. sometimes when juggling you drop a ball.. and for some reason picking it back up and starting the juggling again is just too darn hard. 

This happened to me a few years ago.. I lost my job and somehow my carefully constructed house of cards collapsed.. first I lost the apartment.. then I couldn't find a new job (this has NEVER happened to me before) then I just sort of gave up. It was too darn hard to keep going. Oh sure at this time three of the kids were still in school so I made token attempts at getting life going. But when I wasn't doing something for the kids I just sort of hid.

Yes, depression.. I know.. it probably was but I have worked with depression most of my life.. I just keep going.. one foot in front of the other until I get through water ever needed to be gotten through. This time it was just too darn hard. I gave up. In some ways I am still dealing with that.. 

I need to leap.. to take that scary first step and will be doing so soon. Just too darn scared to figure out how to do it.. 

I have been given enough chances to hide.. enough chances to try and now it's time.. but folks it's scary.. This time I am doing it for me.. not for the kids but for me.. and honestly, doing it for the kids was easier.. I HAD to take care of them, that was my job.. my reason for being.. but I did that job and I did it very well.. they have all fled the nest and now... well we will see

Shauni

Living My Own Story

Do you ever get to that point when you know, you just know deep down in your very soul that the time for action is now? That the time to make your next move is now? That the time to follow your dream is now? How do you respond to it? How do you plan for it? How do you live it? 

Recently my insane life went from weird to really weird and I once again fell off the apple cart. I was sitting there all snug on my way to nowhere before I was dumped on my derriere and forced to make some life altering decisions. Honestly, I was capable of making the decision to get up in the morning let alone what I was going to do with the rest of my life. 

Oh sure, in theory I knew when Blond Girl graduated I would be free!! I needed to escape the town that had held me captive.. The town where I raised my kids but never felt welcome in. I needed to be free to fly.. But how was I going to do that? I certainly didn't prepare.. life usually just sort of happened for me. I mean for 25 years my entire focus was raising my kids, giving them the most stable environment possible.. Since my family lives out of state and the ex's family pretty much ignored us (all except one wonderful sister) the only stability I could offer my kids was to remain in the same town. Don't get me wrong it's a nice town with really lovely people. A Town that takes care of it's children with open hearts.. I knew my kids would have the best of both worlds, living with the small town mentality, that was really 20 minutes from Chicago. But it wasn't me. I didn't fit.. I fractured here. 

Of course some of my fracturing was due to the ex and the battle for survival I had both during and after my marriage. I didn't have time to think of myself I focused on raising happy, well adjusted children.. and if I do say so myself, I did a fantastic job. But they are all adults now, on their way in life with exciting futures ahead of them. Me, I am 50 and ready to live, really live. I just don't know how. I need to get out of this place.. I need to stop living someone else's story and start living mine. 

Right now I am staying with a friend and her family, what lovely people.. they opened their hearts and home up to me and honestly, I don't know where I would be if they hadn't.... BUT.. I am living their story, their traditions, their hopes, dreams and dramas.. As it should be if I am living in their house.. I am not complaining about them.. so don't even think I am.. what I have discovered is that the brief pause in my story is coming to an end.. I am getting geared to take the next leap.. start telling my own  story. I just am not sure how I need to begin.. 

I hear the call loud and clear, it is all but pulsing in my mind.. so soon my friends the next chapter begins.. just not sure where..

Shauni

Why am I fat?

I grew up in a crazed world.. As a 'tween" I was pudgy.. but my family, those who loved me insisted that I would never loose that weight and all of them constantly bombarded me to do so. I was an athletic, cute kid.. I wasn't obese, I wasn't a slugabed, I ate a really healthy diet, so why did they insist on discussing my weight?

As I got older it actually got worse, because I had curves I was treated like the fat one.. even when my friends came over borrowed my clothes and they were too tight on the "skinny" girls. Yep, I was the same height but wore a smaller size and yet I was the "fat" girl.. How does this happen? For me it was those darn hips.. I had this teeny tiny waist (21 inches in high school) and to the faulty thinking of those around me.. if my waist was so tiny and yet I had hips obviously the hips must go. Who cares if my hip bones actually stuck out..

Even clothes designers were in on it.. remember "dittos" they were made for girls with straight figures.. I remember I had to buy a size 9 for my hips but the waistband gapped so much I could fit 8 squirt guns in them without anyone noticing.. (how do I know this? Something about smuggling squirt guns into Disneyland). And still I was the fat girl..

Looking back at my prom pictures, at my gorgeous prom dress I think.. I wore that? It was fitted for me.. and believe me no fat girl ever wore that dress. Too bad the girl at the time didn't know it. But it wasn't just me.. it was those around me.. My friends, my family, my society.. I wasn't fat.. Sadly everyone kept saying I was until I too believed it.. And that scarred my life. It changed how I looked at myself, what I thought of myself and who I would become.. No boys would want to date the "fat" girl.. No employers would want to hire the "fat" woman.. It changed how I looked at myself, how I appreciated myself and how I presented myself. Slowly it became a self fulfilling prophecy..

As I grew older I allowed myself to become fat in reality.. I stopped trying, I gave up.. No longer can I blame my childhood for bad choices (as I am an adult of some 50 years) BUT I can blame the world around that child for knocking her down for destroying her self esteem.. That has been hard to rebuild.. Recently I started a lifestyle change (yeah dorky words but I don't know what else to call it). I am tired of being ashamed to have my picture taken. I want my smile to be full of joy and that can only happen when I am happy with me..

The best part of all this focus has been that people really are starting to fight back. No longer does the fashion industry get to say when a girl is fat.. Well, we are working on it. There are actually countries who BAN super skinny models.. It isn't healthy.. And when people look at comments that were made by those less understanding.. the uproar begins.. It isn't a perfect world but it's getting better for us former fat kids..

Common Symptoms of Women with ADD/ADHD

Have you ever considered that you might just have ADD/ADHD? Oh sure we joke about it, loosing our train of thought and getting easily distracted by shiny things. But what are symptoms we should be looking for?

1.    Difficulty with Boring, Repetitive Tasks:  Is your house a mess because you hate and avoid doing chores? Completing repetitive tasks like laundry is hard for women with ADD/ADHD.
2.    Spending Time Ruminating: Getting lost in your thoughts or daydreaming are common among women with ADD/ADHD. This ties in with distractability.
3. Difficulty Making Decisions: Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk? Regular or soy? Grocery shopping is often painful with all the choices available in stores today.  Seemingly simple tasks require too much thought or commitment to a singular idea, leading to distraction.
4. Difficulty Sitting Still: Easily burnt out? Or do you often fidget? Tiredness and restlessness both are signs of ADD and ADHD.  Though not so much an issue of a "running motor" as it is in children, fidgety and hyperactive behavior are still prevalent in adults.
5. Difficulty Falling Asleep and Waking Up the Next Morning: Many women with ADD/ADHD experience sleep disorders. Insomnia gets worse during menopause.
6. Poor Sense of Time: Time management is often an issue for women with ADHD. They are often running late.
7. Starting Projects but Seeming Unable to Finish Them: Do you have piles of empty photo books? Heaps of unfinished sewing projects? Focusing and following through on a project is difficult with ADHD.
8. Taking on Too Much: On top of work and parenting, there is often the need for women to take on even more like volunteering, helping out with school-related functions, making meals from scratch, etc.  This symptom goes hand-in-hand with time management and difficulty finishing projects.
9. Engaging in Addictive Behaviors: Shopping, TV (reality shows!), and eating are common types of addictive behaviors.  Impulsivity is a key symptom to ADHD, including in adults, and an addiction to shopping - often irrational in practice - is a sign of this symptom.
10. Feeling Low Self-Worth: Women may feel they should be able to "do it all" and feel defeated when they can't keep up. Juggling parenting and work responsibilities can simply be overwhelming.
11. Hypersensitivity to Criticism: High expectations since childhood of being a "good girl" can make women with ADHD more vulnerable to these sensitivities. 
12. Being Emotionally Charged and Easily Upset: Easily upset or frustrated? Emotions are exacerbated during hormonal changes.  Emotional issues, including depression and anxiety, are also related to ADHD.  It is estimated that one in four adults with ADHD also has symptoms of depression.
13. Difficulty Remembering Names: Difficulty remembering names often gets worse before, during, and after menopause.  This is also a sign of inattention, a common symptom in ADHD.
14. Problems with Word Retrieval: Difficulty remembering words often gets worse during menopause. And when the problem is not cognitive-based, it could just be an issue of inattention of spinning too many thoughts at one time.
15. Saying Things Without Thinking: Many social issues follow aduts with ADHD.  Prone to "foot in mouth" moments? Saying things without thinking often leads to hurting others' feelings. 
16. Appearing Self-Absorbed: Do your friends get upset with you for interrupting them in conversation or bailing out on plans at the last moment? Appearing selfish is a sign of ADD/ADHD.
17. Seeming to Not Want to Hear What Others Are Saying: Appearing aloof is especially difficult for women, who often want to connect socially but have difficulty doing so.  Impulsivity (in one's own statements) and inattention (while others may be conversing) can emphasize this issue.
18. Poor Math and/ or Writing Skills: Not a numbers person? Some women with ADHD exhibit poor math and reading skills.  This could be a product of difficulty during schooling, possibly due to ADHD.
19. Poor Handwriting: In addition to poor math or writing skills, poor handwriting can be an embarrassing symptom of ADHD.

Pretty interesting stuff.. The question is what do you do with this information? I would have to say, if you have several of these symptoms get to your doctor and discuss options. If you are like me and really hate to medicate things.. then seek out alternative options. Exercise, Sleep, Diet.. see what methods you can apply to your life...

For me I am just thrilled to learn that failure to have a clean house can be diagnosed... here I just thought I was domestically challenged all of my life! Of course I am the laundry natzi, so even there I don't quite fall into the symptoms... But really do all of us have ALL fo\\of the symptoms? NO!!! Could you imagine how psycho we would be then? 

I would seriously like to suggest that if you feel you fall into these parameters and have over half of these symptoms, get to your doctor.. see if he can help you work with these issues instead of allowing them to control your life... They have mine for years.

Shauni

Alone in the Darkness

Have you ever had one of those moments when you know you stand alone? When life just seems to be falling apart around you? When you know this time you are seriously going to crash and burn? Of course you have.. we all have. 

What do you do about it? How do you manage it? What gives you hope? How do you carry on? It's a question that has come to my attention a lot lately. 

It seems that in the past few years I have been walking that lovely tightrope between despair and delight.. Never knowing which way my life was going to turn and having absolutely no clue what to do about it? How do I get out of this trap? Off the treadmill? How does one step out of the darkness and into the light? 

I don't want to say that I am depressed or totally lost. Of course that might be the problem.. maybe if I didn't know I could find a way out, I would stop looking.. Maybe if I wasn't able to shoulder everything, I could walk away and breathe. 

I lost my job 5 years ago and I have not been able to get out of this funk that I have been in ever since. Oh there are moments of hope.. moments of light but then I stumble back into the darkness. Absolutely no desire to deal with it. Just hide behind the obvious rather than looking for a way out. I am on a precipice.. and one more wrong move.. or worse, if I make the same move again.. I might just loose my mind. 

Repeating the same mistakes over and over and over again gets old fast! I get tired of believing in that one thing that is just out of reach.. just at the end of my fingertips. I want more but I have no idea where to find it. Where to find the door in my circular room. 

It's weird because inside I have this split.. I see so much, I dream so big and yet I see darkness and failure. Loss of light.. It's hard to get a handle on it. I know I will carry on, I will keep going but I just wish I could go in the right direction.. Shoot I just wish I could go in ANY direction. 

Shauni

Validation

I am one of the single most insecure people that there is. I am constantly looking for validation, looking to impress people with my wit, intelligence, charm, whatever. I long for people to tell me I have worth. 

I know you should never place your worth in the hands of others.. It just isn't good. But I do it. Constantly looking for approval. It's a scary thing because I have lead an interesting life, have more than average intelligence, am personable.. sure I need to loose weight but that's not what I need validation for. Oh yeah, it would be totally cool if I lost all the weight and came home looking smokin hawt.. But that is something I could actually do for myself. Shoot, do the work.. loose the weight. Guess that is why it doesn't bother me so much (it does but not about my self worth) 

What destroys me is when people don't recognize my brain.. my individuality.. When I was young and labeled in school, life was good. For a little while, only trouble was, I wasn't a rocket scientist.. I am a cut and paste kind of girl. No one got that.. so I spent years and I mean years trying to impress people. It didn't work because I was still living for others. If I would have just said screw it and became myself, I probably would have all the validation I needed. See the lesson there? Be true to yourself and you tend to impress others, live to impress others and you are constantly failing. 

Anyway, as I know most of you are aware, I write two book review blogs, Bodice Rippers, Femme Fatales and Fantasy and Tea and Book.  But because they are about romance books, I tend to separate them from my regular life. I mean, admit I like romance books? Yeah.. right.  But lately I have been writing reviews and loving the heck out of it.. I do it for me.. not anyone else, like I said I rarely even tell my family and/or friends that I read romance books let alone review them. ANYWAY things have taken an amazing turn. 

Author Alyssa Day, liked my review so much she is putting it in the front of her next book The Cursed. You know where you see quotes from people in the business about other books written by the author? Yep, I am going there!!

Author Christina Dodd, reprinted my quote on her Facebook Page and Twitter

Author Ashlyne Laynne mentioned my in her book Progeny 

And several authors have mentioned me on their websites.. 

BUT TODAY

the most amazing thing happened. I went to Amazon to post a review and I saw the editorial quotes.. you know what I am talking about? The blurbs used to get readers excited? Well on the book If you Give a Rake a Ruby.. AMAZON posted a quote from BR.. yep that's me!! I was practically jumping up and down.

Then I realized. I was being validated.. Not because I was looking for it but because I was doing something I was good at and something I loved. I was sharing me!! Go Figure..

Shauni

Envy

Envy is an interesting thing, it takes the most grounded of people (of which I have never ever claimed to be) and twists them until they hardly recognize themselves. Recently, I have been feeling some pretty serious case of envy for several of my old friends. I am not at a point where I get twisted up and go all evil on anyone but I get these twinges inside that hurt.

All my life all I really wanted was "that life" oh I never needed to be rich or famous (although I honestly would never have turned away from that) but I needed to be loved, needed and wanted. To be important to those around me. I have always known I was loved, at times I have realized that I was needed but rarely have I felt wanted. It is a hard burden on one's self esteem, especially when one seriously lacks self esteem.

Recently I, like many of you, have gotten in touch with old friends on facebook and I see some of their lives, the lives they created and I admit I feel envy. A strong pulling inside one time I was even moved to tears because that was supposed to be my life. Intellectually, I know that their lives are not perfect that they have trials and tribulations just like anyone else but I would love to struggle through those trials as opposed to the ones I have. I also understand that these individuals made choices that brought them there just like I made choices that brought me here. I do not want them to have less of a life I want to find out how to have that one. Of course it would be different because my history and my previous choices but still it would be good.

For now, I am working on making the right choices, to remove myself from situations that cause me inner hurt. To make sure I commit myself to my faith and my God. Not just token words but to actually live what I believe. I have failed to do so over many years and each day is a constant struggle to make the right choice. I don't know if I will ever be part of one of those relationships, honestly I don't know if I am capable of it. I do know I do something to repel people over time. but I yearn.

In the meantime, I am choosing to remember a basic commandment

Exodus 20:17

“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.”