A Better Day

Yesterday's post really helped. It just let me clear the air. Sure there are going to be more, just like it. There will be posts that share my dark moments and my fears. 

I realize that as an adult you have to accept that much of your life is because of your choices. BUT some of those choices are made because of what you think of yourself.. and what you think of yourself often comes from what others think of you or from your childhood. You know a building block concept.. example:

• I have weight issues.. always have, except as a kid I was pudgy but by my teens I wasn't.. only everyone kept telling me to loose weight, I was too fat. Looking back, I was way thinner than some of the cute peers. Now as a 51 year old, my weight is all me.. except.. I have this forever image of me as the fat girl. That has to be broken down and moved on... That was an example folks.. 

I am trying to do that with all of my dark issues.. I am shining light into the dark spaces and gradually extinguishing them. I need to do this daily, for me. 

Why? because I can't go on this way.. I may make an awful choice based on flawed information.. It's a case of addressing the facts so that I won't repeat myself over and over and over again. A way to avoid misery. 

Anyway, today's blog is more about the freedom that comes with getting started. It's scary sure, I keep expecting to get a phone call from some family member or other complaining about me doing this. And in the past, I would have listened and stopped. But this time, I am not. 

1. First of all the chances of an actual family member reading my blog is slim and none. They are not that interested in my life... and that can be taken any number of ways, most of them true.. 
2. Second, well I have to stop letting those I care about manipulate me. The basic fact is, if they love me and most of them do in their rather unique way.. they are going to continue loving me. They already consider me a at best a lovable screw up (again who cares that I have raised FOUR amazing kids ON. MY. OWN..) or at worst a helpless loser. 

Either way that's flawed information and if I use it, my choices will remain flawed. 

I am not a lovable screw up.. I did raise four amazing kids.. now you might not consider that a major accomplishment but when I had Hair Boy.. I CHOSE to make raising children my career. I stayed home with them as long as possible, until the divorce. And once I had to go to work, I chose jobs that would put me close to home and allow me to get to them within minutes if need be. I also was home usually by 4 in the afternoon so when they made it home from after school activities, there I was. Sure, they didn't pay as well as some of the other jobs.. but they were means to an end.. my career choice remained raising my kids. When you look at it like that, shoot I aced my career and now need a new career path. So, no screw up there.. and honestly, no loser either. 

That sort of strikes the theory that I am terrible with career choices. I mean my career choice for 25 years was raising kids.. I did that, I was pretty darn awesome at it and my kids prove it. Accepting this takes the power out of the hurt caused by people who mock me job wise.. and they are working with flawed information, their bad, get your facts straight people. 

I have to wonder at the insecurities of others to maintain a whipping girl all these years... It isn't love, seriously, how can you call it love when you spend all of your time focusing on every mistake that person ever made? Worrying about the next big "mistake". Why don't you spend a 10th of that time and emotion recognizing the wonderful things accomplished by that person? You exert less energy and you get the powerful feed back of joy.. win/win. Of course it's not as much fun to go around gossiping about how happy a person is... It's much more fun to make them miserable, then talk about it.. FOREVER.. 

Ok, that's it for today's purge.. *grins* who knows what I am going to think of to drag out and air tomorrow.. 

Shauni

Living My Own Story

Do you ever get to that point when you know, you just know deep down in your very soul that the time for action is now? That the time to make your next move is now? That the time to follow your dream is now? How do you respond to it? How do you plan for it? How do you live it? 

Recently my insane life went from weird to really weird and I once again fell off the apple cart. I was sitting there all snug on my way to nowhere before I was dumped on my derriere and forced to make some life altering decisions. Honestly, I was capable of making the decision to get up in the morning let alone what I was going to do with the rest of my life. 

Oh sure, in theory I knew when Blond Girl graduated I would be free!! I needed to escape the town that had held me captive.. The town where I raised my kids but never felt welcome in. I needed to be free to fly.. But how was I going to do that? I certainly didn't prepare.. life usually just sort of happened for me. I mean for 25 years my entire focus was raising my kids, giving them the most stable environment possible.. Since my family lives out of state and the ex's family pretty much ignored us (all except one wonderful sister) the only stability I could offer my kids was to remain in the same town. Don't get me wrong it's a nice town with really lovely people. A Town that takes care of it's children with open hearts.. I knew my kids would have the best of both worlds, living with the small town mentality, that was really 20 minutes from Chicago. But it wasn't me. I didn't fit.. I fractured here. 

Of course some of my fracturing was due to the ex and the battle for survival I had both during and after my marriage. I didn't have time to think of myself I focused on raising happy, well adjusted children.. and if I do say so myself, I did a fantastic job. But they are all adults now, on their way in life with exciting futures ahead of them. Me, I am 50 and ready to live, really live. I just don't know how. I need to get out of this place.. I need to stop living someone else's story and start living mine. 

Right now I am staying with a friend and her family, what lovely people.. they opened their hearts and home up to me and honestly, I don't know where I would be if they hadn't.... BUT.. I am living their story, their traditions, their hopes, dreams and dramas.. As it should be if I am living in their house.. I am not complaining about them.. so don't even think I am.. what I have discovered is that the brief pause in my story is coming to an end.. I am getting geared to take the next leap.. start telling my own  story. I just am not sure how I need to begin.. 

I hear the call loud and clear, it is all but pulsing in my mind.. so soon my friends the next chapter begins.. just not sure where..

Shauni