Introspection Sucks!!

As you may know, I have been writing the past few weeks about me.. really all about me and my feelings and the way I have shoved parts of me aside for way to long.. and frankly, it's beginning to bore me. I know if I feel that way.. how must anyone else reading these posts feel?

The thing is I need to say some of the stuff, I need to let it go.. but all this whining, poor me stuff.. yeah, that's so for the birds. 

The truth is, I have had a pretty good life. My childhood wasn't perfect, my parents were flawed and made mistakes (I of course have never made a parental mistake). But as imperfect as it was.. It was awfully good.. I traveled, I played sports, I went to camp (because I wanted to.. I wasn't shipped off to get rid of me.. ok maybe I was for a week but it was a blast LOL), I was active in scouts and school. Shoot I even went to private protestant High School because I wanted to.. Yep my non believer parents forked out a monthly tuition so I could go to private school! And most importantly of all, I was loved. 

I had a large extended family that I adored being a part of.. I always felt a little like that square peg.. but that's on me.. If I didn't quite fit, that's ok, they still loved, odd, loud, brash little ole me. I wasn't a perfect child.. they weren't perfect people.. we all just were.. and are.

So.. how did I get so messed up? I had all that going for me.. Oh did I mention I grew up in Southern California? 30-45 minutes from the ocean, 1 1/2 hours from the mountains, 20 minutes (in heavy traffic) from Disneyland, 10 from Knott's Berry Farm.. yeah, life was tough.. now back to the question.. How did I get so messed up? Somewhere I stopped believing in me.. I started letting everyone else, no matter how good intended, shape me. In doing that I lost all of me.. So I want to blame the entire world for who I am.. yeah.. not gonna wash..

 In losing myself and letting others define me I came across as week and useless.. ever feeding the negative impression of myself. If I couldn't stand up for myself of course someone else was going to make decisions.. Taking that power back is hard.. Why? Because after 50 years.. people get into habits.. now my struggles seem like a spoiled child lashing out.. I'm not really!! I know I have had it pretty darn good. 

But for now.. maybe I need to have it not so good.. Maybe I need to struggle on my own.. ok, did that while raising the kids.. but maybe I need to let go of the harsh control on my emotions.. my true strength has always been my ability to feel.. So now I need to allow myself to do that again. Stop thinking being "too sensitive" is bad.. I am sensitive, not too sensitive.. sensitive!! It's who I am!! Deal with it! I am!

Shauni

This post was written with a smile.. no stupid emo stuff today!!

A Better Day

Yesterday's post really helped. It just let me clear the air. Sure there are going to be more, just like it. There will be posts that share my dark moments and my fears. 

I realize that as an adult you have to accept that much of your life is because of your choices. BUT some of those choices are made because of what you think of yourself.. and what you think of yourself often comes from what others think of you or from your childhood. You know a building block concept.. example:

• I have weight issues.. always have, except as a kid I was pudgy but by my teens I wasn't.. only everyone kept telling me to loose weight, I was too fat. Looking back, I was way thinner than some of the cute peers. Now as a 51 year old, my weight is all me.. except.. I have this forever image of me as the fat girl. That has to be broken down and moved on... That was an example folks.. 

I am trying to do that with all of my dark issues.. I am shining light into the dark spaces and gradually extinguishing them. I need to do this daily, for me. 

Why? because I can't go on this way.. I may make an awful choice based on flawed information.. It's a case of addressing the facts so that I won't repeat myself over and over and over again. A way to avoid misery. 

Anyway, today's blog is more about the freedom that comes with getting started. It's scary sure, I keep expecting to get a phone call from some family member or other complaining about me doing this. And in the past, I would have listened and stopped. But this time, I am not. 

1. First of all the chances of an actual family member reading my blog is slim and none. They are not that interested in my life... and that can be taken any number of ways, most of them true.. 
2. Second, well I have to stop letting those I care about manipulate me. The basic fact is, if they love me and most of them do in their rather unique way.. they are going to continue loving me. They already consider me a at best a lovable screw up (again who cares that I have raised FOUR amazing kids ON. MY. OWN..) or at worst a helpless loser. 

Either way that's flawed information and if I use it, my choices will remain flawed. 

I am not a lovable screw up.. I did raise four amazing kids.. now you might not consider that a major accomplishment but when I had Hair Boy.. I CHOSE to make raising children my career. I stayed home with them as long as possible, until the divorce. And once I had to go to work, I chose jobs that would put me close to home and allow me to get to them within minutes if need be. I also was home usually by 4 in the afternoon so when they made it home from after school activities, there I was. Sure, they didn't pay as well as some of the other jobs.. but they were means to an end.. my career choice remained raising my kids. When you look at it like that, shoot I aced my career and now need a new career path. So, no screw up there.. and honestly, no loser either. 

That sort of strikes the theory that I am terrible with career choices. I mean my career choice for 25 years was raising kids.. I did that, I was pretty darn awesome at it and my kids prove it. Accepting this takes the power out of the hurt caused by people who mock me job wise.. and they are working with flawed information, their bad, get your facts straight people. 

I have to wonder at the insecurities of others to maintain a whipping girl all these years... It isn't love, seriously, how can you call it love when you spend all of your time focusing on every mistake that person ever made? Worrying about the next big "mistake". Why don't you spend a 10th of that time and emotion recognizing the wonderful things accomplished by that person? You exert less energy and you get the powerful feed back of joy.. win/win. Of course it's not as much fun to go around gossiping about how happy a person is... It's much more fun to make them miserable, then talk about it.. FOREVER.. 

Ok, that's it for today's purge.. *grins* who knows what I am going to think of to drag out and air tomorrow.. 

Shauni

Deja Vous All Over Again

Ever feel like Bill Murray? Not like in Ghostbusters or Caddy Shack but like in groundhog's day.. where everything just keeps repeating itself over and over and over again.. yeah, me too..

A couple of years ago I was really active in a site.. I mean totally active.. I had met a bunch of people on another site and we sorta left and created a new one. We stayed involved on the old site but the new one took all of our focus.

I was especially involved in getting people involved and working with them.. teaching them how things worked.. I worked on creating an entire world.. all the while I was also writing, wait for it, SIX blogs.. I was in heaven.. busy, active and respected..

THEN... it all fell apart.. well at least for me.. suddenly I was odd man out and the very people I had taught were pushing me out and replacing me.. it was heartbreaking.. it totally devastated me..

I even got a phone call from one of my friends that totally ripped me a new one.. to this day I am not sure that I had actually done anything wrong.. but it was easier to blame me than to look into themselves.. you know the best defense and all that.. and me being the person I am, accepted it.. took it lying down, rolled over and gave up..

If you will note my blog history you will see a total drop in posts for well over a year.. yeah, that was the worst part.. whatever was said and I won't repeat it here, but what was said destroyed my confidence and ruined my joy in simply blogging.. I kept meaning to go back but never did.. until recently about three months ago when a lot of great things were happening for me..

Then, like all things in my life.. it crashed.. and yes it hurt.. deeply, devestatingly.. I wanted to curl up and cry for days.. I didn't, I found a way to release my anger and resentment and see it for the good it was or could be.. but still that insidious doubt lingers.. I find myself wanting to get away from everything.. to escape..

And that is the gist of this post.. I got hurt..boo hoo.. so I am going to let others dictate how I run my life? How I post my blogs? How I go on? I am going to let something out of my control stop me? I am hoping that this time.. I get it right.. That I act with grace and dignity.. words rarely applied to me.. and see this for all the good things that could come of it..

I have decided to not live in this circular manner anymore and am breaking the cycle.. How? Well, I absolutely refuse to run off and quit blogging.. nope I am going to focus on my blogs and give them the attention they deserve all SIX of them.. *grins* I guess some things really do never change..

Shauni