What's in a Name?

With the crazy baby names that are out these days I got to thinking.. Back in the day I had an unusual name.. So did my sister.. Now adays they are considered quite mild..

We were at Hair Boy's HS graduation.. 6 years ago and they were calling off all the names.. some were extrememly lengthy others were so unique and some.. well all vowels or no vowels.. I leaned over to my sister and said.. "Remember when Shaughnessey (me) and Natasha (her) were considered unique?" she giggled..

But it's true, in the ever growing need to have one's child stand out parents are giving their kids ridiculous names. Remember when Zappa was considered odd because of the names he chose for his children? Or Soleil Moon Frye blew our minds? Now a days we would just roll our eyes if even that...

I have four kids and believe it or not their names are not really Hair Boy, PITA Boy, Word Girl and Blond Girl (who is petitioning for a name change to Science Girl).. No three of them have perfectly normal names.. sorta... Their names on paper are normal everyday names although, we call them by abbreviated versions, shortened versions or their middle name.. Blond Girl does have a bit of an unusual name.. no, her name is not apple.. I have a nephew whose name is Miami.. and Word Girl had she been a boy might have been Renegade (yes that is the name we had picked out for her).. I remember laughing at my brother when he named his son and saying "goes to show you what all those years on drugs will do to you" He has lead a troubled life.. but he leaned over to me (who can truly be called a goody goody) and said.. "and what's your excuse 'Renegade' really"

I tease my mother because I look like a Shaughnessey, for the most part I am French and Chickasaw but my natural father's family has a smidgeon of Irish in them and those genes are strong in his family... My sister, Natasha LOOKS like a Natasha.. all gorgeous and mysterious.. sultry.. anyway I tease my mother what would have happened had she named me Natasha and her Shaughnessey? Honestly, we would have gone through life with the wrong names..

Is there a purpose to this blog? nah.. just rambling but there is a blog hop going on that Bodice Rippers, Femme Fatales and Fantasy and Tea and Book are participating and it asked what were the most unusual character names that you found in a book? and that got me thinking..

So what unusual names do you know? Who in your family has the most unusual name?

*I am not even going into my last name.. my maiden name had 11 letters in it so my first and last name had 23 letters and my married name is a first name so I have a first name for a last name and a last name for a first name.. oh the joys!!

Deja Vous All Over Again

Ever feel like Bill Murray? Not like in Ghostbusters or Caddy Shack but like in groundhog's day.. where everything just keeps repeating itself over and over and over again.. yeah, me too..

A couple of years ago I was really active in a site.. I mean totally active.. I had met a bunch of people on another site and we sorta left and created a new one. We stayed involved on the old site but the new one took all of our focus.

I was especially involved in getting people involved and working with them.. teaching them how things worked.. I worked on creating an entire world.. all the while I was also writing, wait for it, SIX blogs.. I was in heaven.. busy, active and respected..

THEN... it all fell apart.. well at least for me.. suddenly I was odd man out and the very people I had taught were pushing me out and replacing me.. it was heartbreaking.. it totally devastated me..

I even got a phone call from one of my friends that totally ripped me a new one.. to this day I am not sure that I had actually done anything wrong.. but it was easier to blame me than to look into themselves.. you know the best defense and all that.. and me being the person I am, accepted it.. took it lying down, rolled over and gave up..

If you will note my blog history you will see a total drop in posts for well over a year.. yeah, that was the worst part.. whatever was said and I won't repeat it here, but what was said destroyed my confidence and ruined my joy in simply blogging.. I kept meaning to go back but never did.. until recently about three months ago when a lot of great things were happening for me..

Then, like all things in my life.. it crashed.. and yes it hurt.. deeply, devestatingly.. I wanted to curl up and cry for days.. I didn't, I found a way to release my anger and resentment and see it for the good it was or could be.. but still that insidious doubt lingers.. I find myself wanting to get away from everything.. to escape..

And that is the gist of this post.. I got hurt..boo hoo.. so I am going to let others dictate how I run my life? How I post my blogs? How I go on? I am going to let something out of my control stop me? I am hoping that this time.. I get it right.. That I act with grace and dignity.. words rarely applied to me.. and see this for all the good things that could come of it..

I have decided to not live in this circular manner anymore and am breaking the cycle.. How? Well, I absolutely refuse to run off and quit blogging.. nope I am going to focus on my blogs and give them the attention they deserve all SIX of them.. *grins* I guess some things really do never change..

Shauni

Dealing with Change

Do you ever see a train wreck coming and not know how to stop it? Do you ever come up with an awesome idea, bring people together for the idea then suddenly see yourself as odd man out? Yeah, story of my life..

Over the years of my life, I have had this tendency to want things soooo badly I ruin them. I would seriously love to blame just about everyone else in my life but realistically it has to be me. It is a total character flaw I have. I just want soooo badly that I screw things up with my intensity.

My latest endeavor my pride project just imploded.. not the project itself but the partnership that made it great.. I want to rant and rail and say hey they were mean to me.. sadly, it's not true.. I wanted too much was too intense and too controlling.. and once again I am odd man out..

I hurt.. badly... life will go on and things will get better or worse.. depending on how it is supposed to be I just wish I knew how to stop the train wrecks.. before they happen.. or shoot stop the actions which cause the darn things..

In a way this splinter of partners is a good thing.. I just wish it wouldn't have cost me friends.. and worse.. it seems not only did I loose my partner/friends but am the odd man out in the divorce and they got all the other friends..

I hurt.. deeply.. and again.. I am not blaming anyone but myself but I hurt..

Blog Hop

So Last Friday I attempted to sign up for Friday Friends Blog Hop.. my computer was being wonky (yes that is the technical term) and refused to co operate with me. This totally irks me.. I mean aren't computers supposed to make our lives easier? Not cause more stress?

Did we really gain anything with the advent of the computer era or did we just trade one set of annoyances for another. Oh sure, we can and do connect with people all over the world. We allegedly have paperless offices and have mainstreamed our work force. BUT when our computers crash or we don't understand something we are held hostage. To a machine no less.

Back on track.. I signed up for this wonderful blog hop and then couldn't get it posted.. and I still managed to make One new friend , krystimare at Country Living Product Review.. is that cool or what? Oh yeah, all this because of computers.. guess in the end the stress caused by computers is way better than the alternative.. *grins* yeah I did have a point in there somewhere..

Shauni

Who Am I??

I know so often we stand up look around and wonder not only how in the heck did we get there but who the heck are we.. There are those who are famous for reinventing themselves, most of the time we see celebrities who have mastered this. This is seen by society as a great asset, a means to longevity and an amazing talent in and of itself. But one has to wonder if all that reinventing makes them loose part of themselves and then one day they look in the mirror and the very essence of who and what they are is gone. Not even they recognize themselves.

Sometimes I feel that way, I wonder what steps I took that led me to be sitting here feeling alone and afraid. Alone because those that belong in my life I pushed away and those that I want there really don't belong. Alone because I am a social creature by nature I need to be surrounded by friends, family, etc.. somehow along the line I have become the social pariah.. you know the family joke... Oh I know I am loved, even liked but seriously who wants to just hang out with a failure now that isn't me being pitiful , sheesh I have failed in so very many endeavors that I may hold a record. Afraid, because if I stand up for who and what I am I may be alone.. oh wait, aren't I already alone? Well that makes like no sense at all.

When I was a kid I was Shauni, I was a smiling, laughing, musical child. I always had a song (usually a Girl Scout or Camp Song) in my heart. I heard laughter in the sorrows of my life. I liked Shauni, in general most people liked Shauni.. She was fun, athletic, smart, creative, assertive, strong in her personal belief.. of course she was also petrified of failing, never felt she was good enough and constantly felt unloved and overly emotional. Over the years I decided to eliminated Shauni's failings, I wanted her to be strong, independent, tough, not caring what others thought of her.

One of the steps I took was to start going by Shaughnessey (my given name.. yes it is my first name) I thought Shaughnessey said strong, unique, fearless, tough and oh yeah no one said Shaughnessey was a cute name. I became Shaughnessey but somehow I lost or squashed Shauni.. Shauni died a sad and lonely death. Her heart, her voice, her song was silenced. I never wrote, I never sang, I never cried. Oh there are those who spent a lifetime telling me to not be so sensitive but it took a lifetime for me to realize I am sensitive.. if I stop being so sensitive I amputate part of who I am. I close off a piece of my heart and face it God made me sensitive, God gave me my character traits He expected me to use them to Glorify Him..

One day I looked in the mirror and saw the person I had reinvented myself to be.. and not only did I know recognize myself, I didn't like the person I saw. She was bitter, angry, alone, demanding, selfish, self-centered and more than a little judgmental. That is so not who I am and certainly not who I want to be. I find after a lifetime I like Shauni way more than I like Shaughnessey.

I found myself on my knees begging forgiveness for the arrogance of my life and the total failure I had made of it. I finally just said what I had said once so long ago, I surrender all. Now Shaughnessey has a really hard time letting go, she has become a strong part of me and I have to ask God to teach me how to incorporate the good in Shaughnessey back into Shauni.

Don't get me wrong I don't want to turn back time.. I don't want to be teenage Shauni again, I mean shoot what woman on the face of the earth wants to go back to be a teenager, all those hormones and angst.. I want to be Shauni who learned her lesson, who incorporates God's grace in her heart, her life, her very essence. I want to be the Shauni who rejoices in the gifts she has been given, I have no plans to kick Shaughnessey by the wayside (I kinda like the name after all) but I want to once again hold that song in my heart..

When I started this blog I was slowly rambling in that direction, I mean Shauni is such a cute name... lol, it is funny how our perspectives change.. Maybe it should be called the evolution of Shauni, God's evolution not Darwin's cuz well God's makes so much more sense.

Anyway to answer my question... Who Am I??

I am God's child,
my mother's daughter
my children's mother
a blogist,
a poet,
a photographer
a sensitive soul
I am beloved...
I am Shaughnessey
I am Shauni evolved

Nice to meet you all

And Life Goes On

Each day has a special challenge and gift. I firmly believe it is our choice in how we handle both. Do we accept our challenges and use our gifts? I know I don't. In so many ways day to day life wins over and over and over again. I forget to smile, I forget to say Thank You, I forget that my life is pretty darn good.

Last month some ucky things happened and I think for the first time in a long time I accepted them with grace and dignity. I faced a challenge head on instead on meandering around it trying to control things. I have a hard time letting go of control. I never thought of myself as a control freak but 10 years married to an alcoholic and 13 years raising four kids on my own I tend to micro-manage everything. I don't mean to, I just don't have time for the silly stuff (insert any other term here you would like).

How does one show one's inner self? I used to be very open with sharing who I was, I liked me.. I was silly and fun and clever and witty and then I tumbled down into the abyss of alcoholism (not mine but my spous') and spent so many years trying to fix things make them work that sadly my children don't even know the real me. They don't know the person who laughs at life, who values those around her and chooses to enjoy each day. They see a boring drudge who can and will manipulate those around her in order to make life work. I don't necessarily regret doing that because sometimes we had food on the table and a roof over our heads provided by the force of my personality alone. But after a while it takes something from you. In a way you are selling yourself.. prostituting yourself. At first it makes perfect sense but one day you wake up and realize what you have become and how far you have tumbled. You realize that each teeny step has dragged you farther and farther away from who you are and what you were meant to be. Then you look ups and see the incredibly long path you have to take to get back to where you started... and continue down the correct path.

I am not complaining, life is good, really. I have healthy happy children... God has blessed me. They all have an amazing sense of self and are aware that while life is not always easy it is always blessed..

Oh well so much for my ramble of the day

The New Year

It has been a wild 6 months and I find it hard to believe that I have managed that long without a computer. What crazed insane world have I been living in? I mean how can I contact friends? Find out what I missed on the soaps? Read the paper????

Seriously it has been a time of healing for me because as I tend to do I go obsessed with my online life and forgot about the rest. Now I am working very hard on getting life back in balance.. I have friends, yes I am actually going out with them occasionally... a movie, the bookstore, a get together.. wow.. what a difference from this time a year ago when I sat in a room and waited for life to come to me..

Today when I came to the library I stepped in and said hello to a friend (who happens to run it) she was surprised not just to see me but to see that I had on a nice sweater, jewlery and even a touch of make up.. all just because I wanted to go to the library. Nothing more special than that. It is great that I am finally getting out of the dumpy mom stage of my life. It has been a long, very very long haul but I am getting there.

For right now, until I actually do get a computer writing this blog is going to be sporadic at best, don't worry I will be around to occasionally comment on what ever crosses my mind. I know you all have been devestated without my regular doses of what I call wit..

Have a wonderful January all, remember go outside enjoy life don't get trapped like I did.. eventually the trap is sprung and you have to figure out how many decades you missed

Struggling to Be

These last couple of months have been very very hard on me. It seems that I have become just a bit adicted to the computer and I have been suffering very major withdrawel. It is hard to accept that you have put so much of yourself into interacting with others only online. In a way it is safer as you can project the image you want and hide from any hurtful insights from those in your life. I admit that has a very tempting aspect to it but it seems in the end you just come out lonlier and worse.. more alone..

I have always been the type of person that draws energy into myself from a crowd, have been considered the life of the party (in a good positive way not the slam back a drink, lets have sex kinda way). I treasure my relationships with others and enjoy spending time with friends but for some reason my stint in Illinois (25 years now) has turned me into a recluse, afraid to interact with people and holding myselff back. Just recently I have been attempting to rectify that behavior. I have been making an effort to get to know others and have fun with women my age it just seems that I have to constantly force my way into the group. It is painful. I am not sure what is causing this, I used to be kind and considerate always ready to lend a helping hand but slowly over time I have become the one who constantly needs help. I think in ways I am considered more of a charity case than a friend. I mean, if someone wants to do something nice for another person, I am always the one people think of. These are good decent people who just want to help out... but I don't get invited to the show or the fair or shoot even the bingo game.. I am just left hanging while all the other moms go out and have fun and interact. I am not sure how to change this, not sure if I even can at this point but I know I am just tired of hurting..

Now I could say it is a stage, it is something that just happens but somehow it has become a way of life and personally I hate it!! I am the woman who does.. who is.. not the one who sits around and waits.. I have spent my life giving back, teaching my children to give back. I learned to stand on my own two feet at the age of two and rarely looked back. I have been proud of the accomplishments I made on my own.. yet it seems lately I am forever needing advice, suggestions and help. I have just about had enough... somehow I have to find me again. Find the woman who knows that there is so much out there to give.. not the one who is always top of the list to be given to..

I know I have Been Sporadic at Best

Have you ever stepped away from something you really enjoyed, then had a hard time going back to it? I have been blogging pretty regularly for over a year now, here on this page since October and in another format since January 08. I honestly enjoy it, I enjoy the people I meet, I enjoy expressing myself and I enjoy the feedback I get when I do so..

But lately, I have just been blah about it. Sad to say all of my blogs have been woefully neglected. Maybe it is the summer blues, maybe it is life, maybe it is just time to rest for a bit. I have no clue.

When I do sit down to blog it is like I have nothing to say. Now if you knew me at all you would realize the total impossibility of that ever happening. So for the foreseeable future I am going to just sit and ramble. No purpose, no issue, no subject maybe my head will clear and I can blog again.

It isn't as though my life isn't full of fun and fascinating facts..

Oh yeah.. I seriously hate Raquel Welch.. it is so not fair that she is that gorgeous at her age and I wasn't even close to that at 20..

Shut Up and Listen to Grandma

Recently, I have heard all sorts of interesting philosophies on the economy, family, morals, ethics, hard work, etc... Some are of course way out there, sending me into peals of laughter but the ones that are considered the most amazing, the most ground breaking the most viable... are the same things I have heard my entire life.

Lessons learned at my grandma's knee...

hmmm let's see

1. pay yourself first. Now she wasn't talking 401K's or retirement they didn't have that then. No she meant take 10% of your income and put it into a savings account for a rainy day. Now I am horrible at this so I do make use of the 401K system to hold that 10%.. otherwise I would find a use for it.

2. give just a little bit more of yourself than you can afford. When it matters it will come back to you.

3. stand up for what you believe in, don't bow to peer pressure or trends.. they will move on with the winds of change only you remain the same..

4. quality of life is way better than quantity of life. Drive the same car for 10 or so years, live in the same house.. Yes it may seem to be too small but eventually it will be too big

5. keep learning, you are never too old to learn something new.. whether from a book or an education keep moving forward.

6. give back.. i know i said that earlier but it bears repeating.

7. live life like you were living (not like you were dying).. but always seek new adventures.

8. don't vote for the pretty one, vote for the one with the brains. research your candidates, find their histories.. what do they really believe in.

9. raise your children to understand that life is work. they don't get a free ride.. it is not your responsibility to put them through adulthood..

10. never say I can't... because as she would say.. You are an American and the last for letters of American spell I CAN... no kidding...

seriously, is there not a lesson in each of those statements.. have you not heard some of them formatted a bit differently but spouted by the new and "in" crowd? So all, maybe it is time to stop and listen to Grandma.. they it seems had a clue after all.

A Generation of Errors

The other day my youngest and I were discussing the new president. She asked me if she thought he could fix things. A question indeed from someone who will have to endure the legacy of the mess we made of things.

My response to her was a bit more surprising than she thought, I am a conservative basically a Republican but I do vote for who I believe in rather than any specific party. What I have seen over the past almost 30 years of voting is not the Democrats being wrong, is not the Republicans of being wrong it was a generation of being wrong. Most of those leaders came from what we lovingly refer to as the baby boomers. A group that was parented by the "greatest" generation, they believed in saving for a rainy day, hard work and perseverance. The baby boomers believed in destroying the system and rebuilding it so they benefited now.

Yes, they did some good things, face it we wouldn't have a President Obama had they not stud up. And as a female athlete I certainly appreciate title IX shoot as a female at all I appreciate Roe vs. Wade whether I agree with abortion or not. BUT, they destroyed an awful lot. They made a group of women think they HAD to work, had to be supermom do it all, helping to destroy the American family. They instituted the greed is good theory, they destroyed the banking system and raised a group of children who believed they were entitled to it now. God forbid the hard work concept. Oh yeah and God forbid, well we aren't allowed to say God, unless we aren't Christian then your faith is acceptable (again, I believe in religious tolerance but that means tolerance for all). The generation who discovered global warming decried the very evilness of it then insisted on excessively large cars and "more". They found the problems and it seems exploited them instead of correcting them. Exposed them yes, so credit must be given but also they didn't fix them, one has to wonder if they even accepted the problems as real.

As my grandma used to say the pendulum swings, face it she was a teenager and young adult during the 20's she understood excess and wild living but she was also a young parent during the depression, she understood the need to work hard and barely survive day to day. That was the generation who birthed the "greatest generation". What have the baby boomers brought? 50 years of destruction. It is not a political thing it is a generational thing.

So when Obama was elected I was pleased, not because I thought He was better for the job or even agreed with him (I actually admire the job McCain has done as a Senator) but because it was time for the next generation to step up and take over. The generation between the baby boomers and the generation of entitlement. The one lost in the land of no label. Some would say we are one without direction but no, rather we are one who took our time coming into our own. One that needed to make our way free of the baby boomers. Can Obama fix things, probably not at least not entirely but slowly the pendulum is swinging and change is happening.

OK, I Admit it, I am Just Odd

I was having a conversation with a friend and she asked me to do something and I couldn't goodness knows what it was but it was one of those odd things about myself that I don't usually admit to. Now this is not a tag or anything I just got to thinking of some of the odd things I do... So I thought, what the heck, I may as well admit them here

1. I don't kill spiders - he may have a wife and child to go home to
2. I rotate the ice trays - so none of them feel left out
3. I can't hear without my glasses on
4. I can't sleep under a canopy bed - it might come down and suffocate me
5. I don't delete blogs or comments once written - it is against the rules (mine but so what)
6. I like to have long hair so I can put it up in a bun - then I have a place to put my pens and pencils
7. I hate laundry but when I am done, I color co ordinate my clothes, light to darks, short sleeves to long, etc
8. I refuse to tie my shoelaces more than once a day... I mean I did it once why should I have to keep doing it all day
9 I have problems telling my right from my left.. I have to look at my hands to find where the "L" shape appears as my palms face down.
10. I am forever talking about Labor day in the spring and Memorial day in the fall.. of course I also have problems with which is spring and which is fall.


and darnit I still can't remember the comment that got me started on this...

Privacy or Not

Recently I read an article in either Dear Abby or Ann Landers (yes I admit it I am addicted to these two) anyway the letter was about the fact that this woman who had a friend who was constantly posting pictures of her on the internet. She didn't want it, she didn't like it and she didn't know how to stop it. The answer unfortunately was if you can't get her to stop then duck when the camera comes out. I didn't like that answer, it was a realistic one, but I still didn't like it.

I honestly feel that there has to be some room for respect and privacy. As a blogger I feel like I can write about anything until someone requests otherwise. Maybe that is an assumption but one I do go on. For instance, I had written a couple of blogs about a family member but was asked to remove them as she didn't want her personal business out there. So I did, it was actually the first time I had ever deleted a blog for any reason. The thing is, I probably should have been more aware of the rights of others before I ever wrote the blog. I should have understood the basic concept of privacy and respect.

I am not sure why this letter hit such a nerve with me but I do think we all need to remember that while we love this thing called blogging, we don't have carte blanche with the people around us (husbands and kids aside). I don't mean to come of as lecturing I guess I am just voicing an inner thought and trying to correct my errors.

LIfe's Been A Bit Interesting

So my life has been rather interesting of late and then one could almost say it is just the norm.. my life is always interesting (yeah, if interesting means chaotic, crazed and out of control). But this week it has been good interesting.

My friend, my best of friends who was in the hospital with a heart attack FINALLY came home. Yes, after four long weeks he is home and recovering. It is difficult to imagine the anguish his attack has been on his loved ones but last night I heard his girl laugh. Really and truly laugh. These days we somehow think of heart attacks as almost blase.. that you go in get fixed and poof.. but no, they can take a long time to heal. The good news is, he will.

Another friend, the amazing Vonnie, has decided to follow me into the land of blogging. I have warned her, she is insane and will quickly succumb to blog withdrawals when not blogging but she valiantly ventured forth. As we all do she is going to be stumbling and fumbling to make her way into this wild world we cal blogging but please all, go on and give her a visit.. Now of course being a friend of mine overachieving being in the blood. She has not one, not two but THREE blogs.. but here they are.. Welcome Walmart Shoppers , The Fashionable Wench , My Crazy Life As I said she is insane but she has a great heart and could use the friends..

And finally rumor has it I am actually going to be receiving a check tomorrow.. So that would be last weeks,child support check if i happen to get this weeks as well I am so going glasses shopping. I completely broke mine and desperately need a new pair..

Oh well, have a fabulous day all

Wow! 100 Posts

I am not quite sure how this happened.. or how it happened so fast. But this is my 100th post. I feel like I have accomplished a milestone, run the marathon (without the pain).

I always knew I had a lot to say and would love to have had someone to share it with before now. I appreciate those who stop by regularly. There have been so very many wonderful comments and fantabulous! When I started out I thought hey, this could be a great way to vent a little, do the Adsense thing and make a little cash. Along the way, I became a threat to the Adsense advertisers (still trying to figure that one out) and lost the income part. But I became adicted to the blog part.

Sometimes I wonder what I am going to say, and sometimes I feel like I am just getting started. The thought roll around my head bouncing off the walls of my brain and fighting to get out. Those days it is actually harder to write than when I have nothing at all. But I perservere..

Again all, thanks for the welcome and the support.. keep blogging, I adore reading your work.. and hope you all have been enjoying mine.

I want to go, I want to see

It seems to me as the years fly by, I want to go more places and see more things. I willingly chose a life of parenting and have enjoyed most of it. Of my own valition I moved to the midwest and have enjoyed most of my many years in Chicagoland (well I could have lived without the winters but even they had some purpose). But as my children grow I see what changes are ahead for me.

I am going to travel, I am going to do the things I didn't do. Well, I can dream I am going to do those things. When I was 18 I wanted to travel the states, work when I ran out of money and discover what was out there. Heck I wanted to do Europe too but I really wanted to do the states. I didn't, I did what I was supposed to do and it has been one of my very few true regrets. fortunately, it is one I can ammend.

I know I have 3 1/2 years before this can happen, but I am seriously considering buying a train ticket to somewhere, taking a bag, a camera and a laptop and finding America. I think it could be fun, interesting and just plain educational. I don't know if I will actually do it but doesn't the dream sound grand? I also dream of living in Barcelona (blame John Cleese and Fawlty Towers) but I have been in love with Barcelona ever since I first heart Manuel utter those now famous words... "I am Manuel from Barcelona".. ok, totally different topic.

For some reason though, lately my dreams have been growing and expanding.. Oh don't get me wrong I still enjoy parenting, hey I actually like my kids (well sometimes at least one of them all the time).

Just a little ramble and thought I would share what is bouncing around my brain...

When Did I Get So Angry

When I was a child, teenager even young adult I was known for my amazing ability to smile. To see the bright side and to believe that good will prevail. Maybe I was naive but when did I get so angry?

It seems nowadays I am constantly just angry, I resent so much. I am frustrated and annoyed, irked and peeved. It just seems like I lost my ability to smile for real. Oh, I can still smile when called upon but the smile of true joy has been lost.

I am angry at life in general, I don't believe I have lived a life of such disastrous choices that I belong where I am. I have not indulged, I don't drink smoke or do drugs. For the majority of my adult life I have worked (shoot for the majority of my life I have worked). I don't expect perfection but an occasional day of peace would be nice.

I am angry at the Child Support System here in Illinois that thinks it is ok to delay my checks on a regular basis and then blame it on the post office. I am angry that I don't know if I will have a roof over my head or food on the table from day to day. I am angry that I can't afford to pay storage and may loose a lifetime of stuff. I am angry that I have been so damned alone for so long and everyone just thinks oh she is such a flake...

I am angry at being judged and found lacking, mentally spit upon by those who claim to love me. I am angry that I am deemed weak when the amount of internal strength it takes to just wake up and smile is astounding. I am angry that my children instead of stepping up and helping out point fingers and expect more from me.

I am angry that I have no one to share this with, that those I do share with think it means I want them to tell me that I am a failure and deserve what I get.. and most of all I am angry because I am always angry. By nature I am a positive person so the anger seeps into my soul and makes me cringe at the bitterness that comes from me.

sorry all, today I just needed to rant, tomorrow I will be better

The Inauguration is Upon Us

The inauguration is upon us and already change looms over us, the bill for this shindig is supposed to be over twice as large as any in the past.. hmmm wonder who is going to pay for that?

Faith based programs are not being funded, hmmm wonder how that happened?

One has to wonder what comes next? I have serious issues when they start messing with faith based organizations. I have a couple of reasons for this allow me to expound.

In 1999, due to the Federal government getting involved in the Child Support system and me living on less than a shoestring, I was evicted. Lost my apartment in 3 weeks. I won't go into the despair and fear I felt having 4 kids the oldest being 11 and absolutely no place to go. I went to government agencies, they wouldn't help. Said I made enough money and didn't qualify, I was making less than $10.00 an hour and my child support checks were often late sometimes as much as 8 weeks behind. I was told by a gov't worker that they couldnt help me because if I lived in the Appalachians I would be rich.. Hello?? I lived in the suburbs of Chicago, and if I lived in the Appalachains I would not have a job at all but I digress. So here I was homeless, l4 kids... and no help. Where did I turn? To the local P.A.D.S. program. A faith based organization that provided shelter for the night, dinner, breakfast and a sack lunch. I did this for 89 days and will forever thank God for that blessing. We were not suffering from a poor economy St. Bill was president and alledgedly we as a country were thriving and yet no help for someone who was down on her luck....

Another reason I get a little peeved about the entire lack of respect for faith based ministries is the entire seperation of church and state concept... OK, all I will say this once (will probably say it many times but, I wish I could say it only once). The phrase seperation of church and state is not in the constitution, it states that we will not have a centralized church, ie the church of England. Our country was built on the right to worship God... and yet we allow a few to hurl rocks at that foundation and whine and moan and demand that we NOT worship God.. citing the constitution!!

Don't get me wrong I respect that individuals have the right to not worship God but they aren't the majority and shouldn't be treated as such. Personally, I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of the Living God. I do however respect that others disagree with me and have a faith of their own which is why I am thrilled that our constitution denied us the right to name one single church as head of our country...

What does this have to do with Obama? well nothing really, except for the fact that the change has begun..

accountabilty

Accountability is a rather irksome thing, as a matter of fact most people are more than ready to make sure others are accountable for their actions but refuse to accept any for their own.

Life is about choices the ones we make and the ones we don't make. As we go through life we make decisions and most of what happens to us is based on those decisions. Oh, you say what if you are hit by a truck while sitting at a bus stop. No it is not your fault but you did decide to go to the bus stop. I know that is silly to think someone is responsible for their own accident and of course they aren't but that was my point on decisions.

But accountability is an entirely different thing, when you make a choice and set the wheels in motion you are accountable for your actions. If only to yourself, you have to decide if it was worth it, if your actions were worth the consequences. Oh there is often the vindication of the self righteous but so often they are just as guilty as the guilty...

In the end you are accountable to your God, your society, your community, to yourself but the only person you are only accountable FOR is yourself. So if you decide to tilt at windmills then are mocked, if you can accept the consequences of your actions go ahead.. tilt away. If you need to take a stand you must understand that you could loose much more than you gain and you have to decide if those consequences are worth it. The one thing you should never do is blame others for the consequences of your actions.

How does that work? Goodness only knows and yes there are those who will take advantage of your willingness to take responsibility they will use it as a means of saying that they were right and you have to accept that too.. People are just that people, they make mistakes and sometimes when they make a choice that others feel is a mistake in the end it is the right choice.

In the end you have to be able to live with yourself. Often we are so indoctrinated into making others like us we forget that simple fact. We have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror day after day after day. Yes it is ever so much easier to point out the flaws of others to mock the choices others make. To point our fingers in sweeping condemnation of those around us than to say hey, maybe I have to look at my choices..

Just a thought

The It's About Me'ers

Have you ever looked around you and discovered how many people there are in your life that are actually bringing you down? The ones who claim to care and yet everything you do, they do, the world does is about them?

You plan a surprise party for them they somehow make you feel guilty for doing so then years later make you feel guilty for not doing so. The ones who watch you clean an entire car, apt, whatever for someone wait till you are almost done then come along and say well you should have done it this way. The ones who say no one ever listens to me, and when you are trying to help them to pay attention they tell you to shut up it isn't about you?

It doesn't matter what you do or where you are or even what your intentions are all that matters is it is about them. I have a few of these people in my life I am not going to name names and make accusations because it's not about them. It is about how I have learned to handle them. Most of these people are individuals that I care for deeply which is why it is difficult to totally ignore them. What I have learned is that they will never see what they are doing only where you are failing. It becomes your responsibility to decide what your goals are what you want to do, even for them and to go out and do it.

As a trained and incredibly good customer service representative I have made my living over the years helping people solve their problems to their satisfaction one of the tools I have learned is the repeat.. yes I can see where that may upset you.. It is a great listening tool and better yet it is a wonderful coping mechanism. In a way it all becomes a game, can I get off the phone with this person with them happy, me happy and the problem somewhat resolved. Now if one uses this tool with evil intent it will still work but it won't bring you peace and for me that is the goal. I don't care if the people I love have to make everything around them about them what I care about is how I can run my life parallel with theirs.

I try I really do to live my life by that adage do you want to be right or do you want to be happy..but somewhere along the line I have realized darnit being right makes me happy... but seriously with some people I will never be right and with some people it will never be about me. So I choose to love the ones near to me anyway, accept them for who they are. Tolerate the ones I must and honestly walk away from the ones who are just taking up air space. Not with malice but hey this time it's about me.