Sherri Steenburgen Gone too Soon..

While Christmas always brings both laughter and tears, this year, this season, there are more tears than usual. Our family lost a dear one. My aunt left us to go home to God.. After battling cancer for several years she slipped away on the 23rd (or as  my daughter calls it Christmas Adam). 

Sherri was way to young to leave us and she left behind not just her brother, my dad, she left behind a daughter, a sister in law and several nieces and nephews, cousins and friends.. we are all grieving. 

When I was five and my parents got married, I got awesome grandparents and a spectacular aunt in the bargain. Sherri was barely ten years older than me, a teenager with an exciting life of her own. But she always had time for me. I can remember visiting my grandparents and bringing my barbies along (I needed to do something) and Sherri would come out on the front porch and play with me, for hours if need be. 

Or when she would babysit us, she would play "bartender" closing the pass through window between my parents kitchen and living room.. then we would knock and she would fling it open and snarl "what do you want?" we would order our drinks and Sherri would whip it up with Seven-Up and food coloring.. 

Simple things but the kind of memories I hold dear. 

Sherri also gave me the most amazing gift, over and over again. Whenever I go home (to California) I spend most of my vacation going from family member to family member.. but Sherri, she would always call, check my schedule and then come to see me. You see, I was that important to her. 

And of course she was never too busy for my kids, she taught them the importance of holding up the roof when going under a bridge (a family tradition I hadn't taught them). She went to amusement parks and family gatherings. She was the Steenburgen representative. And she brought her special joy to them. Teaching them another chapter in what family really is. 

We all have a light that shines within us. Some of us are beacons, a call to the lost. Some are candles, a single light in the darkness. Some are like a flash, bright, stunning and blinding, gone in a moment all too soon. But Sherri, she was a firefly. Flickering and dancing into the gloaming, a magical moment, a joy. Gone too soon but leaving behind a happy, innocent memory. And like the firefly, Sherri could never live caged.  To me Sherri will remain forever young, laughter and joy and forever missed.

Happy Birthday Aunt Margie

Today would have been my Aunt Margie's 104th birthday. She was and probably forever remains the matriarch of our family. An amazing woman who lived a life of grace and joy. 

It's hard for me to really tell Aunt Margie's story because it all came to me filtered through my grandma's eyes. Their story really was one story in so many ways.

Aunt Margie was the oldest of three children born in 1910. Her sister and lifelong best friend was born in 1911 and younger brother (whom I never met) was born in 1912. Having three children so close together wore out my great grandmother and she passed away soon after. Leaving these three to be raised by an absentee father and a series of housekeepers. 

At one point my great grandfather met a woman and fell in love with her, married her and then informed her that he had three children. My great grandma was pretty cool but this

Aunt Margie 1976

isn't her story. 

Grandma and Aunt Margie were products of their time and like most tweets and teenagers wanted to go along with latest fashions. They stopped wearing stockings and started wearing knee socks and were whipped. They cut their hair and were called whores (or visa versa)At the tender age of 14 & 15 they moved out of their parents home and moved into the Y (I think the YWCA because it was for women and it was the 1920's). As always they stood together.

I don't know much about Aunt Margie's first marriage with the exception that it produced

Uncle Johnny on the left, Aunt Margie on the right 1994ish

two remarkable men. In Her early to mid thirties she met my Uncle Johnny who wad ten years her junior. If course I don't know much about their courtship but they married and had sixty years together (and three more children)

Now comes the bias from my side of the family. Aunt Margie was sweet and nurturing. Always there for us but she had Uncle Johnny to lean on. She was able to stay home, had an easier life. Grandma on the other hand was wild and free, went through men, three husband's for five children... and even then took care of herself. She held TWO jobs during the depression. And from her late thirties on, did it all on her own. She was strong, she was tough..Get the implications?

Those implications came crashing down in the late 80's Aunt Margie was hospitalized, it was series and my mom was with my grandma when she git the news. My grandma, my tough, strong, do it on her own grandma, crumbled. Fell apart, lost it. Seems Aunt Margie was her rock. My mom was afraid that if Aunt Margie died so would grandma. She was so worried that she visited Aunt Margie while she was still recovering and told her, she had to get better. More than that, she had to make sure and lived long enough so that grandma would go first. It seems grandma wasn't strong enough to survive her sister. We lost grandma in 1992 but Aunt Margie was with us for another 12 years.

Years where each of my children were blessed to meet her, love her and grieve when she left us.

A truly great work.and who brought joy to every single member of her family and More. All because she remained true to who she was. I admired her so very much and loved her more. 

Shauni

Thanking My Veterans

I have what I have, I am what I am because there were those who were willing to die for me. So today I honor the veterans in my life.

John Jensen

Harvey Lemming

Louis Branch

Bill Steenburgen

King LaBau

Tom LaBau

Gerald Costin

John Lill

There are more.. I meet veterans in my every day life but these are my veterans and I am proud of them

Shauni

A New Project, A New Cookbook

Twenty years ago, my cousin Shelia decided to gather all of our family recipes and put them into one amazing cookbook! I can't believe it's been Tweny years!

 This cookbook is absolutely amazing almost 250 pages of recipes, stories and pictures offering us a glimpse into our past. My children, my girls especially, love this cookbook. They would take it out just to read it and share the stories. Due to some circumstances of my constant moving, I lost my book.. so of course I have spent some time retyping the entire thing! Using my cousin's (not Shelia's that would be too easy) book, I spent a week just retyping it. Soon I am going to get it to Kinkos to make copies for all of my kids. OF course first I have to get my sister to scan the cover and all the pictures in the book, so I can give them an accurate book.

 But it has been 20 years and things have changed. We lost some of our most precious family members and dear friends and we gained an entire generation. Fortunately our losses have been few and our gains have been many! With these new family members new recipes have come to be. Maybe we married into a recipe that our children love and consider a family tradition. Or maybe we created a recipe or two of our own. Or found a really tasty one on facebook and just had to try it.. then of course had to make a few changes to it.. Whatever the reason, I know there are a plethora of recipes still not saved for posterity..

 SOOOOOO. I have decided it's time to create a Volume II. Yep, I am stealing, Shelia's idea and going to create a new book. BUT it's a family cookbook, so that means I need family recipes. And by family, I mean family and friends.. so Lori and Lisa and Doreene and Judy (Your mom is already in Vol I) and all the rest of you.. send me your recipes!! I will be gathering and organizing recipes until April 1, 2014. I want to be able to give this new book to Frankie (Word Girl) when she graduates from Western Illinois University this May!

 I will of course have it available for each of you to purchase (cost only) if any of you want to add to your family cookbook collection. As for Vol I, if Shelia is ok with it I will have it available as well but that is her intellectual property and I don't want to take credit where it isn't due. Those of you who have seen it know it is a spectacular work of art! From the cover all the way to the very last page! I can only hope that Volume II will be as good!

 You can send me your recipes via Facebook I am listed there as Shaughnessey Steenburgen-Lill (send me a message you can add files to it)or of course you can email it to me at Shaunispeaks@yahoo.com. Don't worry about how they look.. I will be formating them so all the recipes look the same. Of course if you have a picture to go with your recipe, send it too! It will just add a different flavor to Vol. II 

Shauni

Introspection Sucks!!

As you may know, I have been writing the past few weeks about me.. really all about me and my feelings and the way I have shoved parts of me aside for way to long.. and frankly, it's beginning to bore me. I know if I feel that way.. how must anyone else reading these posts feel?

The thing is I need to say some of the stuff, I need to let it go.. but all this whining, poor me stuff.. yeah, that's so for the birds. 

The truth is, I have had a pretty good life. My childhood wasn't perfect, my parents were flawed and made mistakes (I of course have never made a parental mistake). But as imperfect as it was.. It was awfully good.. I traveled, I played sports, I went to camp (because I wanted to.. I wasn't shipped off to get rid of me.. ok maybe I was for a week but it was a blast LOL), I was active in scouts and school. Shoot I even went to private protestant High School because I wanted to.. Yep my non believer parents forked out a monthly tuition so I could go to private school! And most importantly of all, I was loved. 

I had a large extended family that I adored being a part of.. I always felt a little like that square peg.. but that's on me.. If I didn't quite fit, that's ok, they still loved, odd, loud, brash little ole me. I wasn't a perfect child.. they weren't perfect people.. we all just were.. and are.

So.. how did I get so messed up? I had all that going for me.. Oh did I mention I grew up in Southern California? 30-45 minutes from the ocean, 1 1/2 hours from the mountains, 20 minutes (in heavy traffic) from Disneyland, 10 from Knott's Berry Farm.. yeah, life was tough.. now back to the question.. How did I get so messed up? Somewhere I stopped believing in me.. I started letting everyone else, no matter how good intended, shape me. In doing that I lost all of me.. So I want to blame the entire world for who I am.. yeah.. not gonna wash..

 In losing myself and letting others define me I came across as week and useless.. ever feeding the negative impression of myself. If I couldn't stand up for myself of course someone else was going to make decisions.. Taking that power back is hard.. Why? Because after 50 years.. people get into habits.. now my struggles seem like a spoiled child lashing out.. I'm not really!! I know I have had it pretty darn good. 

But for now.. maybe I need to have it not so good.. Maybe I need to struggle on my own.. ok, did that while raising the kids.. but maybe I need to let go of the harsh control on my emotions.. my true strength has always been my ability to feel.. So now I need to allow myself to do that again. Stop thinking being "too sensitive" is bad.. I am sensitive, not too sensitive.. sensitive!! It's who I am!! Deal with it! I am!

Shauni

This post was written with a smile.. no stupid emo stuff today!!

Hearing Voices

What does this pic have to do with hearing voices? Well nothing, I just like the picture

Sometimes I hear voices in my head.. ok, now that I have pretty much declared that I am nuts.. allow me to expound.. Seriously, I hear voices.. Often as I go through life I hear the "voices" of others, loser, fatty, useless, no good, ugly.. you know those voices.. In all reality most of the voices I hear are more what I think of myself than what others think of me. Most of the time, people either have no opinion of me or even have a positive one. The only voices I am hearing are my own. 

Sometimes, it's guilt.. you know how much your mother wants you to be happy and you aren't living a happy life so you are sure she is so disappointed in you (this happens a lot). Your mother is neither disappointed or unhappy with you. She still loves you, is still proud of you and still stands beside you. No matter that you aren't living the life she dreamed of for you. 

Years ago (coincidentally enough, right before my marriage ended) my mother was visiting and turned to me and said "You know, I am really proud of you. You chose a life I didn't want for you but you are making it work. You are raising great kids and accomplishing your dreams" Yeah.. she said it.. too bad I didn't tape it *grins*. She was sincere too. She isn't the type to waste her time on sarcasm. It remains one of my most treasured moments.. because I constantly hear my projections of her thoughts and those voices never say she is proud of me. 

I think that is one of my (probably everyone's) greatest flaws.. projecting your thoughts into other's words. You have to let that go. Stop expecting others to think you are a failure.. most of them really don't care.. Another great mom quote.. 

                 when I was about 20 or so, I told my mom that I felt that                            everyone was talking about me and used the old.. whenever I                        walk into a room everyone stops talking line.. my mom's response                  and believe me it's a keeper.. "What makes you think you are so                    important that everyone is talking about you?" 

Now... there are those who could argue that she was smashing down my self   esteem but they would be wrong, that really wasn't what she meant.. She was making a valid observation.. Hello, you are NOT Queen of the Universe (ok, I am but I haven't sent out the memo to everyone yet), other people have lives, thoughts, concerns that do not involve you. To this day, I say that to myself when I am unsure or feeling insecure about what others think of me. 

As often as I point out that these blogs are about me.. not anyone else, I have to remember that most of the world feels the same way. It's about them.. they have their own voices to deal with.. Their own insecurities.. Do they really care what is going on in my life? Nope.. 

The select few.. my family, you know the one who was so mean to me (that btw was sarcasm)... just want me to succeed.. Sure dealing with the pressure of just whose definitions of success matter is hard. But we all have to go through it. I may be on shaky ground I may be trying to figure out how to be true to myself.. how to live my dreams not fail at the dreams of others but my foundation remains forever solid. I am loved.. Dearly.. I know that for a fact and I need to say it more regularly!!

Shauni

Family

Do you realize how much of who we are is defined by our family? How we let others tell us who and what we are? Of course in turn we do the same thing. It's part of the human nature I think. Finding your niche. 

The problem isn't when family defines you, it's when the definition doesn't fit.. and yet you still let it stand. You don't have to be a witch or an ogre about it but you do need to define yourself. 

I was initially, the daughter, then the chatty one, then the happy one,  then the smart one, then the creative one, then the "religious one, then the one who didn't live up to her potential, then the one who can't make it on her own, then... see what I mean.. I was never just one of those things. I have been several of them together and none of them. I am a mixture of all those things. But I am so much more. I am the one who stood alone, the one who was different, the one who was always on the outside, the one who found her own beat, the one who won't give up on herself, the one who demands justice.. 

As much as I rage against my family defining me, I will admit that I have definitions of my family as well. Not all of them are pretty.. but most of them make me seem like a lesser being.. There are the beautiful ones (My sister and a few of my cousins). The smart ones (my aunt and yes a few of my cousins). The nice ones (most of Aunt Margie's children). The mean ones (not gonna say which ones). The athletic ones, the academic ones, the.. see what I mean. I label them as well.. and yet none of them are just one thing. And I bet if I were to ask all of them would feel at a loss, less than what they seem or aware of their failings. 

While we can accept the definitions and make them part of us, because often they are right. We don't have to accept the ones that don't fit. I am learning how to let go of those definitions and slowly regaining my balance. It has been a healing road I have been walking.. and eventually I hope that I can embrace myself that when I face my family, I am the one who made it through the darkness. The one who defined herself, the one who smiles through tragedy and triumphed over failure.. 

Oh sure, I am still gonna be the daughter, the chatty one (seriously I keep trying to close my mouth but the words just pop out), The creative one (oh I hope so)... The one who believes, the one who has faith, the stubborn one, the defiant one.. 

The only thing I don't want to be is the one who is alone..

Shauni

Happy Birthday Natasha Lynn

There are moments in our lives where we remember exactly where we were when it happened. I am sure most of us remember, 911.. 

I remember when Mark Spitz won his 7th gold medal, I remember where I was when Elvis Died and John Wayne.. But one of my favorite memories was when my sister Natasha was born. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I was told of her birth.

I was 8 years old and away at summer camp for the first time. I was so excited because finally no more day camp. Honestly, I don't really remember my mother being pregnant.. I mean she just was, I wasn't all that excited.. I already had two brothers. One older and one younger so what's one more kid? 

There we all were, in the mess hall enjoying dinner when one of the camp big wigs came and got me... totally scared me to death.. Seriously, what did I do? And why was I in trouble.. yeah, I know, Paranoid much? but hey, I was eight.. Anyway they pull me into a back room (who knew they had a back room with a phone in it) and handed me the phone. It was my mom, letting me know I had a baby sister.. Natasha Lynn.. I know I said all the right responses and refrained from saying seriously, you pulled me from dinner for this.. but we all know I was thinking it. 

Tasha has been a joy my entire life. I am honestly grateful for the eight years between us because she was truly a beautiful child.. and had she been just behind me my envy might have erupted.. instead I could enjoy her. Over the years I learned just how deep her beauty went. 

She was the person who would have custody of my children should anything happen to either myself or my ex.. yep I was placing my babies in her hands.. and I wrote this will when she was barely 21. I knew even then that she would always put my kids first.. As a matter of fact my only fear was that she would love my children so much that they would forget about me. I know weird thought.. and yet what a great comfort for a mother.. Knowing your children would always be loved. 

She has made every graduation both Middle School and HS (pretty impressive since she lives in FL and we lived in IL).. always remembered birthdays and holidays (way better aunt than I am) and has made trips to Disney World to see them when they performed there. There my sister was, with a double stroller, a video camera and a phone (calling me so I wouldn't miss it).. 

A Generous heart, a great friend and an even better sister..

Yep, I got lucky that long ago day when they pulled me from my dinner..

Shauni

Happy Birthday Uncle Johnny!

Monday was my Uncle Johnny's Birthday.. I didn't get a chance to write this blog until now but I really wanted to share my feelings about him.

I come from a definite matriarchal family, the amount of men who marry into our family and stay is very very small. Now the men seem to have a bit better luck. I think part of our problem is we are strong women.. and I mean strong. Women who have never needed a man to "take" care of them, just to care for them. Sadly, in generations past men didn't get that. But Uncle Johnny Did..

Honestly in my entire life there have been a very few men who have been around for the duration. Some because well we grow up and move on but others because they didn't want to stay. But Uncle Johnny has been a mainstay in our family for generations.. That's right.. generations! He married my Aunt Margie as a very young man, 25 I think and true to the daring ground breaking women that I come from, he was ten years her junior. But he loved her kids.. and together they had three more. 

This man has always been a source of laughter, joy and security for me. I know if I ever needed him he was right there, in the same home, in the same town.. of course that doesn't mean he always stays put.. nope the man is always on the move. Visiting navy buddies, family, friends.. on the go! 

One thing Uncle Johnny is famous for are his stories.. he has a lifetime of them! Of course as children we didn't always appreciate them but as an adult, I seriously hope someone has written them down! My favorite was always the peanut butter cookies and the sharks one. Now I am paraphrasing and may get a lot of it wrong but.. 

Uncle Johnny was a Navy cook, on a ship (not sure what type) but for some reason one time they got cans and cans and cans of peanut butter (huge coffee cans). Not sure what to do with it and not having anywhere near enough recipes for peanut butter, the cooks made peanut butter cookies. (I am sure the men just got sick of those cookies). One day Uncle Johnny said the boat just started to rock, no one could figure out what it was.. Are you ready for this? The men decided to feed the fish the cookies. I guess it was a complete treat because it not only attracted fish but sharks.. and those sharks were hungry.. Before anyone even knew what was going along the sharks started hitting the boat (Naval Vessel NOT canoe) and the entire ship just started rocking.. 

Now I can't seem to remember the end of that story or how they extradited themselves but these are the gems that Uncle Johnny shared with us over a lifetime. 

Uncle Johnny was the first of our family to get email, he had his AOL account as soon as humanly possible and would correspond with family and friends all over the world. No way was technology leaving this man behind. 

I mentioned my Aunt Margie, and they had a storybook love.. the kind you read about. They were always together even when Aunt Margie got so ill she had to live in a home. Uncle Johnny went daily to have meals with her.. Just to be with is Margaret.

The most amazing thing about this wonderful man is is capacity to love. The man has five children and seventeen grandchildren (No clue how many greats are in there) and yet every Christmas and birthday my kids would get a card with two fives in it.. Saying Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday love Aunt Margaret and Uncle Johnny.. This tradition went on through their teens, yes even after Aunt Margie left us.. Uncle Johnny never forgot.. 

Honestly, I am not used to men who stay.. it's just such a wonderful gift that I was given this man to be a part of my life. To be loved by and to love! I admire him more as an adult then I was ever able to as a child.. To me he represents what love, true enduring love is.. 

So while I missed writing this on his birthday.. I still wish him a Happy Birthmonth!! Hope you celebrate every day of it!

Shauni 

A New Life by Sophia

As many of you are aware, I have several other blogs.. *grins* you can see the list in the side column. Sophia is one of my reviewers, Sophia is a creative 10 year old who loves to read, fancies cats, Edward Cullen, and is a fan of anime! And a joy to work with. Her effervescent comes through with every review. Recently  she wrote this wonderful tribute to her grandfather. He left us three years ago today and I know his family's hearts are still grieving. Even so, Sophie's tribute celebrates their relationship. Carmen, her mother, sent it to me and I just wanted to share.



A New Life


I had to help him or he would fall.  My grandpa had just gotten very sick.  He lived with my grandma, his wife.  He would be at the house alone while my grandma was at the store.  It was a risk because he could fall.

He eventually moved in with us because his health was unpredictable.  He wasn’t happy with moving.  It made him feel like he was a little kid who needed everyone to escort him everywhere.  Miguel, my grandpa’s name, began to get used to living with me.

Everything was perfect.  Then he got really sick.  He was sent to the hospital.  His lungs and heart were old.  It was scary.  The doctor said he didn’t have a lot of time.  Every time we left the hospital, I would try to tell him good night.

He was finally sent home!  It was hard for him to walk.  Sometimes, he would call my name and ask me to walk him to the kitchen.  I loved helping him.  He was safe, and I was glad.  I was never annoyed if he asked me to help him.  It was worth it.

One morning I awoke to the sound of sobbing.  My mother sat next to me.  “Sophia, he’s gone.”  I hugged her.  I looked inside his room.  He was pale.  He was in peace.

I remember him.  His kindness, his love for me, him.  I love him and I helped him by walking him around.  That is how I helped my grandpa.

If you are interested in seeing more of Sophie, you can check out her reviews HERE


Shauni

Merry Christmas to All

The Hobbit is Here, The Hobbit is Here

While I have certain reservations about this movie.. I am still just a tad excited that finally it has been made. I was 10 years old when my 5th grade teacher read us this book. One chapter a day, every day after lunch. I fell in love... from that moment on I read Tolkien, anything Tolkien. I read the book to my kids as a bed time story when they were 3, 5, 7 and 9. Of course later I firmly suggested that the read LotR.. The older two like to brag that they read the books BEFORE the movie came out. Me, I read The Hobbit 40 years before it came out.. LotR.. 30.

I have to thank Mrs Gerace, who made a difference in my life by reading me this book. I know she has passed away but still, she was a teacher who made a difference.

A Gracious Friend

I spent the day yesterday with a friend. We have been friends for about 12 years now.. well we started out as mom's to friends but she has played a huge part in Blond Girl's life but as often happens over the years she has become a very special person in the lives of my entire family. To the extent that on Christmas we had a blended family Christmas.. It was wonderful..

In day to day life, I often forget what a truly good person she is. Most of the time she is my friend and you know how it is, you take them for granted.. But yesterday I was struck by just how much I admire her.

She takes her 94yr old step father to the Doctor about once every 3 months or so. A while back she asked me to go along and help.. it worked out really well and I now go with her every time. It really helps her as she can drop us off at the building and I can help him to the office while she goes and parks. Since we are talking about Down Town Chicago this was a real challenge for her before.

While we were in the office, grandpa dropped his hat and gloves and Karen, just patiently picked them up, helped him adjust his bag, helped him put on his hat and gloves and get all comfortable. Now this might seem just mundane stuff but while I was watching it brought tears to my eyes.. it was just that poignant.. a simple moment in the life and yet a snapshot that showcased how very special Karen is.

I am so grateful blond girl and 5th child met.. their family has enriched mine beyond measure..

Shauni

Wanted, Square Holes

So, I was out Christmas Shopping tonight, There I was walking the mall, seeing all the happy smiling faces.. all the families out getting pictures done, listening to what they had planned for the holidays. It was a very nice night and yet.. I felt so out of the loop.. It was like I just didn't fit in the picture. I felt like someone was going to start singing, "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong". I felt like the proverbial Square Peg trying to squeeze into a round hole..

Then I started thinking.. if the stupid pegs need to go into a round hole, why do they make them square? Hello, maybe they should change the stupid shape of the hole! Or stop making square pegs! I have been different my entire life.. I know, I always have.. Oh, I try and fit in, but I don't.

And, it's not my imagination... I think I was two when I started hearing from my mom how I had to move out when I was 18. yeah I was ok with that.. I didn't fit.. my family has these huge reunions, oh I am welcome, even wanted but you know, no one actually invites me.. It isn't about not being liked it's about not fitting in. I always seem to see things differently. I am emotional and insecure..

Over the years, I have learned to keep most things contained.. but doing that damages me.. yeah so, maybe all the round holes are happy but I am miserable.. So today, while I was walking through the mall... I smiled at all the round holes and just laughed.. I decided that honestly, round holes bore me.. I am off to find the square ones...

I can't change who I am and frankly, I resent people who expect me to... It's like, the way I was made isn't good enough for them.. I can't be angry at them, they can no more help being a round hole than I can being a square peg... I just know that this square peg is tired of the round holes expecting me to make it work.. it takes two.. if you want me.. ok, if not, let me go.. quit trying to make me what you want.. 

I have actually, removed myself from some family relationships.. and for the first time in many many years, like EVER, there is a lightness to me.. I can't let someone's disappointment in me hurt, if I don't talk to them. Yeah, some I have to talk to but I don't have to initiate contact.. I can just wait for them. Enjoy when they condescend to talk to me and go on about my business.. They can feel like they have met their obligations and I can have days, weeks, sometimes even months of peace.. WIN/WIN.. I don't have to worry about failing to meet their expectations.. why? because I stopped trying.

I know this is not very Christmasy.. but in a way it is.. I can accept others better because I refuse to allow them to hurt me.. Go ahead, be a round hole.. be happy... I can't be, I never have been and frankly, those darn holes are boring!!

Time to Post

It has been so very long since I kept up my regular blog that it actually feels wierd sitting here typing but it is time to get off my laziness (I would say lazy rear but since I am typing I am still on said rear) and get back to blogging.

It has been an interesting and eventful year for me. I have been working on just developing who I am and where I am headed. I have worked on reconnecting with the faithful and maintaining relationships. It seems the years of my marriage were spent in hiding and the years after were spent in habitual hiding. Not that I ever wasn't front and center rather I was emotionally distant. I put up the wall and kept everyone at arms length. Let me tell you it made for a very lonely time. In a strange way facebook has been part of my salvation. I have been able to re connect with friends and see what they are doing and how their lives are progressing.

After reading about their lives I find I am envious. I do not like to feel envy that others have wonderful fulfilled lives. I understand that none of their lives are perfect but many of them have the life I wanted. I had to ask myself, how did they get these lives? As far as I can see, most of them got it by listening to God and following His plan for their lives. Unlike me, the queen of yes I understand Your plan but can I tweak it just a bit? I have to think God just shakes his head and waits to see how I am gonna mess up a perfectly good plan this time.

It is hard for me to just follow direction. A lesson I definitely need to learn. I like the big picture but to follow the map is somehow beyond me. I need to get on that. Anyway, I am getting ever so tired of banging my head against the wall and have finally stopped to listen.

My church has this fabulous over 40's program that I dream of attending. I do not have a car and getting there will be a challenge. I am hoping it is God's will that I attend and somehow I get there. To be able to interact with like minded Christian adults would be fabulous. A few of my friends have pointed out that this is a form of singles fellowship and yes I agree that is so but it isn't for the dating factor that I want to interact with others who have some of the same life issues. Someone who gets the bone deep loneliness of being a single parent of being without a part of me.

I know there are many who thrive on being an individual and I am certainly that but I am also by nature a pack creature. I am not a lone wolf I am an alpha wolf.. sorta. I think my personality has confused many because while I have no problem caring for myself and my kids in a completely unique and totally non traditionally manner, I do need to be able to lean, to find that person to rely on.

Had I waited upon God's plan instead leaping into the big picture I would have had all that, instead I have what I have made. I have great kids and I am very proud of them. I am just so thankful that they are in my life and I can not see doing anything that would have changed having them but it would have been nice to not be so missing something the entire time I was raising them.

They are growing and almost gone and in a way so am I. In a way, I wait, I am waiting to see where the road leads and where God plans me to be. I hope and yes I hope it is part of something special, something good, something precious but if not I can only be grateful that He allowed me to be part of the amazing lives of my children. That I had that something special but still I yearn.. so let's see where the adventure leads.

Vivian

When I was growing up we had a friend of the family, she was this strong, determined, opinionated woman. Sometimes she terrified me and others she just seemed a bit odd. Her son and my oldest uncle became friends in school and as it sometimes happens their mothers bonded. Please not the description I used for Vivian is accurate for my grandma, not that I would ever have called her odd. They were both tough old birds, in a by gone time they would have been referred to as touch broads and it would have been a compliment. My mom swears the only reason they remained such good friends is because Vivian was the only person who didn't take any crap from my grandma.

Vivian was also on the outskirts of my life when I was a child, she owned a flower ranch right next to a cemetery and when we could or needed to we were allowed to work there on weekends for cash. When I was very little (like so young I don't remember) we actually lived on the ranch. Not that it was really a flower ranch but that is what we called it. I remember as a very young child going over to the cemetery to place flowers on the graves for people as that was a service that was offered to regular clients. I also remembered getting really huffy because my brother was allowed to stand on the street corner and sell flowers and I wasn't (that is where the good tip money was) but as an adult I realize that was never going to happen, hello 10, 11 year old girl standing on a corner unsupervised leaning into strangers cars? Even in those days of semi innocence that was not done.

Vivian and her husband also owned property in Wrightwood (a nearby community in the mountains) which we were allowed to use occasionally. So we got some snow time in. No I always called her Vivian but he was Mr. , I suppose looking back that should have told me something. But as a child he always seemed to be in the background and she was larger than life. He passed away either late in my childhood or my early teens and she moved on to Hemit, where I discovered the Ramona Pageant. What a fantastic event! Their grandchildren were two of my closest childhood friends and to this day I am one of the few who is allowed to refer to the grandson by his nickname, well last we spoke at least.

The thing about Vivian was she was this amazing woman, I believe she was a teacher but I am not sure. What I do know is I wish I had known more then because I never knew her at all. It turns out that when most of the world was ignoring Hitler and then slowly started to fight, They were one of those families crossing Europe and delivering those under persecution into safety. I just heard this story in passing a few years after she died and I have regretted ever since then not knowing before. The stories we lost about these amazing people of course to them they were just doing what was right, which of course makes them even more amazing. These two people he was rather quiet and assuming (although later I was told he ran the roust) and she was this strong dominate woman (amazing what a child sees isn't it?). Yet they made such life altering changes for so very many people, they actually changed lives. They made a difference and I wish I had the chance to sit down with them and hear their stories.

I suppose that is one of the reasons for this blog, as we loose our elders we loose generations of oral history. We as a society are no longer an oral one, we are hardly a written one as we tend to need media to tell our stories now. That is ok but we also need to make sure our past is not lost. I suppose I need to keep haranguing my family for their stories, I have mentioned a few times that I would like to have our oral history preserved but have never actually done anything about it. Guess it is time.

Happy Birthday

Today celebrates the birthday of the first boy I ever loved.. I don't remember a time in my life when he wasn't there.. My first memories are of him and his sharing with me.. He taught me how to spell my name (as it is 23 letters first and back this was no mean feat) taught me how to swim, taught me how to be a little sister. Strictly by being a big brother.

My first memories are of him at the beach.. there we were two towheads covered in zinc oxide, collecting shells, learning the ways of the water, eventually learning to body surf and later to surf. He was the one I pestered to play catch with me, to ride bikes with me and to go adventuring.

At the age of 6 someone had the brilliant idea to put him on a pair of skis... oh my could he ski. I remember one of the few times as a child I went skiing with him.. I was maybe 9 so he was about 12.. people, adults would stop just to watch him go by.. he was beauty in motion. By the age of 13 he had maneuvered the Matterhorn (and not the one at Disneyland).

In high school he discovered surfing and of course he was an amazing surfer as well. There wasn't much athletically that my brother couldn't do.

Unfortunately he made some bad choices in life and has had a rough adulthood but nothing can ever take away the way he impacted my life. The way he was there for me, loved me and protected me. He turns 50 today and I can not help but think of him.. wish him well and hope he knows deep inside that he is loved..

Happy birthday big brother..

Dealing with the Mommy Factor

It seems no matter how old one's children get there are times when they are just that... children.

My girls came home yesterday from a trip to Florida with the band and the entire lot of them have gone nuts. So here we sit in the small room and they are having a beanie baby fight. Why Word Girl decided that she needed to accept a bunch of beanie babies is beyond me. Why she would then want to bring them to this tiny room totally confuses me and yet there you have it.

I have a room full of teenagers, tossing beanie babies around and juggling..and then tossing the babies at the one who is juggling.. and oh yeah smiling and laughing.. darn it i can't even yell at them.. they are having fun and being nice to each other.. now that has got to stop....

I have decided to go on another trip... since I have that totally cool voucher I am going to go to my school anniversary party.. Our school is celebrating it's 50th anniversary (not my 50th reunion) and I think I am gonna scoot on off to the Coast and have some fun.. and the best part is.. I will still have at least 1 trip left...

oh well life sometimes is just good..

Every Now and Then

Every now and then life collides, this is a picture of my grandfather.. I did a google search and found him on the web. He was a big wig in the world of motorcycle racing and pretty much lived life his way. He defied his family to do what he wanted. He wasn't always perfect shoot he was rarely perfect but he did enjoy his life.. Just thought I would go ahead and post this.. since it was already internet material

Shut Up and Listen to Grandma

Recently, I have heard all sorts of interesting philosophies on the economy, family, morals, ethics, hard work, etc... Some are of course way out there, sending me into peals of laughter but the ones that are considered the most amazing, the most ground breaking the most viable... are the same things I have heard my entire life.

Lessons learned at my grandma's knee...

hmmm let's see

1. pay yourself first. Now she wasn't talking 401K's or retirement they didn't have that then. No she meant take 10% of your income and put it into a savings account for a rainy day. Now I am horrible at this so I do make use of the 401K system to hold that 10%.. otherwise I would find a use for it.

2. give just a little bit more of yourself than you can afford. When it matters it will come back to you.

3. stand up for what you believe in, don't bow to peer pressure or trends.. they will move on with the winds of change only you remain the same..

4. quality of life is way better than quantity of life. Drive the same car for 10 or so years, live in the same house.. Yes it may seem to be too small but eventually it will be too big

5. keep learning, you are never too old to learn something new.. whether from a book or an education keep moving forward.

6. give back.. i know i said that earlier but it bears repeating.

7. live life like you were living (not like you were dying).. but always seek new adventures.

8. don't vote for the pretty one, vote for the one with the brains. research your candidates, find their histories.. what do they really believe in.

9. raise your children to understand that life is work. they don't get a free ride.. it is not your responsibility to put them through adulthood..

10. never say I can't... because as she would say.. You are an American and the last for letters of American spell I CAN... no kidding...

seriously, is there not a lesson in each of those statements.. have you not heard some of them formatted a bit differently but spouted by the new and "in" crowd? So all, maybe it is time to stop and listen to Grandma.. they it seems had a clue after all.