Wanted, Square Holes

So, I was out Christmas Shopping tonight, There I was walking the mall, seeing all the happy smiling faces.. all the families out getting pictures done, listening to what they had planned for the holidays. It was a very nice night and yet.. I felt so out of the loop.. It was like I just didn't fit in the picture. I felt like someone was going to start singing, "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong". I felt like the proverbial Square Peg trying to squeeze into a round hole..

Then I started thinking.. if the stupid pegs need to go into a round hole, why do they make them square? Hello, maybe they should change the stupid shape of the hole! Or stop making square pegs! I have been different my entire life.. I know, I always have.. Oh, I try and fit in, but I don't.

And, it's not my imagination... I think I was two when I started hearing from my mom how I had to move out when I was 18. yeah I was ok with that.. I didn't fit.. my family has these huge reunions, oh I am welcome, even wanted but you know, no one actually invites me.. It isn't about not being liked it's about not fitting in. I always seem to see things differently. I am emotional and insecure..

Over the years, I have learned to keep most things contained.. but doing that damages me.. yeah so, maybe all the round holes are happy but I am miserable.. So today, while I was walking through the mall... I smiled at all the round holes and just laughed.. I decided that honestly, round holes bore me.. I am off to find the square ones...

I can't change who I am and frankly, I resent people who expect me to... It's like, the way I was made isn't good enough for them.. I can't be angry at them, they can no more help being a round hole than I can being a square peg... I just know that this square peg is tired of the round holes expecting me to make it work.. it takes two.. if you want me.. ok, if not, let me go.. quit trying to make me what you want.. 

I have actually, removed myself from some family relationships.. and for the first time in many many years, like EVER, there is a lightness to me.. I can't let someone's disappointment in me hurt, if I don't talk to them. Yeah, some I have to talk to but I don't have to initiate contact.. I can just wait for them. Enjoy when they condescend to talk to me and go on about my business.. They can feel like they have met their obligations and I can have days, weeks, sometimes even months of peace.. WIN/WIN.. I don't have to worry about failing to meet their expectations.. why? because I stopped trying.

I know this is not very Christmasy.. but in a way it is.. I can accept others better because I refuse to allow them to hurt me.. Go ahead, be a round hole.. be happy... I can't be, I never have been and frankly, those darn holes are boring!!

Did You Ever??

Did you ever express yourself for the sheer joy of sharing who and what you are and find out later that your words hurt someone else? Did you ever wonder why it is that no matter what you say it is the wrong thing? Did you ever try to live your own life and not make it about others and then find out that you are making it all about you?

Recently I have had some pretty crappy times, I have leaned on people and frankly I hate it. Because I hate taking from people I am not gracious with it yet with the way things have been going about in my life for the past year I have needed all the charity I can get.

The things is charity is an interesting thing, people expect something back from it. If you are lucky all they expect is for you to pick yourself up and pay it forward. The thing is picking yourself back up is hard sometimes seemingly impossible. Especially when you are being monitored and watched for mistakes.When your very words of growth are used as an attack on those who have loved you in the past.

I have been given a lot lately, by people who genuinely cared I accepted it in the vein it was offered but now I wonder should I have not.. should I have just accepted the consequences of my choices and moved on? and then I decided, I am so imperfect.. I am such a flawed and broken vessel... who am I to decide what I am worthy or unworthy of?

So today I am reminding myself of a simple and basic truth, choosing to live by it.. bring it close to my heart and truly listen to the words.. and sometimes it means remembering to love yourself..

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Lessons Learned

I have been wading through a quagmire of emotions lately. In general I am a positive person to such an extreme that I have been accused of living in fantasyland.. I don't I never have I just choose to not let the bad things win. Over the past year or so the bad things have been winning.. I have lost some dear friends because I sank so deep into the abyss.. I am clawing myself out moment by moment.. I am actually quite proud of my accomplishments.

Today I was reading some blogs and I found this one Women's Self Esteem and it really just called to me. I found it to be articulate and well thought out as well as being dead on.. It reminded me that life is a series of choices and we could choose to be happy.. to be positive and to find joy or we could choose to let it all slip away and be miserable.

I find I personally prefer to be happy.. I find I no longer want to dwell in the world of woe is me... I am going to make it about others once again..

thanks Dorothy.. that was brilliant