Beginning Over

It has been so long since I posted a blog, I am going to once again consider this beginning over. There is so much to say and so little time spent on saying it. I am not sure of the direction of this particular blog.. I am thinking to keep it at my rambling best.. just a catchall of things I think and feel..d

I have already committed to writing my Juggling Teens blog on a regular basis and plan on getting back to my Shauni's Dreams that come.. Along with that I think I am going to work on a blog about my faith.. A day to day journal on my walk with Jesus.. I am not good at that.. I tend to hide my light.. keep it a a low flame hidden with in the recess of my self.. I think it is time to light the bonfire and let my light SHINE!!

I also have one more blog I am considering.. this one will be a step towards insanity.. I am going to start a blog strictly for reviewing and discussing the books I love.. I have some friends who are going to work with me and get this show on the road.. Initially, we will be working with blogspot because it just makes sense to use it to get it on it's feet.. but eventually... well again.. we shall see..

My life has never lacked ideas.. but focus and direction. I am hoping that with some prayer (ok, lots and lots of prayer) God will provide both the focus and the direction.

Oh yeah.. I am gonna be playing with the new website stuff but am not sure what I am doing so bare with me for a bit...

Making It Public - Part 3

Today marks the final part for my three pronged blog on taking my faith out into the world. I hope you have enjoyed the previous two. My finally personal verse that I took with me upon leaving school was Philippians 4:13

I can do all things

Through Christ who strengthens me

Is that not a totally empowering concept? I can do ALL things. As I have pointed out in previous blogs I was an arrogant child. The concept that I could do anything was not new to me. I honestly believed that all I had to do was set my mind to it and I could achieve whatever I wanted. In a way I still do believe just that, one of my personal crosses I carry. Did you note how I conveniently forgot part of the verse?

Upon leaving school I rushed forward ready to take on the world. After all I could do anything! Anything that is except succeed, everytime I tried something I failed. I self imploded no one was out to get my I was just unable to stay on course. I became best at was surviving.

Everytime a challenge came my way I did not rejoice and accept God's support, no I worked hard to battle on, on my own. Oh I would usually complete the challenge but each success took a piece of me. My survival became my triumph there was no praise to God. There was no rejoicing no there was a smirk my battle cry became I did this all by myself. Each victory was hollow and each failure consumed me. Oh I could rationalize, I could even make myself a hero in the eyes of the world my trials had been legion, my survival an accomplishment. Of course it was my success not one single Glory to God. Forgetting or refusing to apply the entire verse is an eventual recipe for disaster. The verse is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It doesn't mean I am going to conquer the world, no it means when God shows His plans, no matter how hard, no matter how difficult it may seem, with God behind us, with the power of the Spirit flowing through us WE CAN DO ANYTHING! Conquer any crises, survive any trial and when we do it, it is not our glory no it is God's. The spotlight is removed from us and transferred to God. The glow that shines forth embraces us all

Over my adult life I have struggled and stumbled many times. I have gone without as often as I have had plenty. My life has been about feast as well as famine I have never quite managed that even keel, that nice balance, that sure and steady. Nope not me I am an all or nothing kind of girl. May I suggest if you have a choice choose a different way of living.

One of the most amazing things about God is He allows us our idiocy. He allows our struggles then when we finally admit we are lost without Him, He raises us up and uses those same struggles to bring Glory to Him. As a Child of God even our failures are God's triumphs.

As I prepared for this series I have written I went back and really read all of my verses. Went straight to the Bible and refrained from going from memory. I took the time to really do my research to make sure I do not take quotes out of context or misrepresent God's word. In doing so I was so amazed when I re-read this verse. I not only read the verse but the ones previous to it. Instead of just Phil 4:13 I think I should embrace verses 10-13

(10) I Rejoiced in the Lord greatly

that now at length you have

revived your concern for me. You

were indeed concerned for me

but you had no opportunity

(11) Not that I am speaking

of being in need for I

have learned in whatever

situation I am in to be content

(12) I know how to be brought low

and I know how to abound in any

and every circumstance

I have learned the secret of

facing plenty and hunger

abundance and need

(13) I can do all things through Him

who strengthens me.

WOW! Praise God for truly I have been blessed.

Looking back this almost 30 years I realized that I would choose these same three Bible verses to carry forth with me.. Oh I would hope I will do so with humility and grace. That I would take advantage of all the words God gives me through His book but I will always treasure these three verses.

For God so loved the world.

They that wait upon the Lord.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

LUCKY LUCKY me, I am loved.

Making It Public - Part 2

Upon leaving High School in 1980 I was completely prepared to go forth and live my life for Christ. Well as prepared as an 18 year old can be for facing the adult world. I was well armoured and ready to become a soldier of Christ (a phrase from my childhood) more than that I was excited. I had my armour, my shield and my banner and of course those three verses that I had claimed as my very own.

Number 2 was

Is 40:31

They that wait upon the Lord

Shall renew their strength

They shall mount up with wings as eagles

They shall run and not be weary

They shall walk and not feint.

One of the benefits of attending a private protestant high school is the fact that they not only teach you the bible they expect you to incorporate your learning into your everyday life. We used bible verses as part of each of our classes, clubs and teams. Each group would pick a verse that they felt best described them and would use it as part of their meditations, in a way it was another form of a mascot only this time it was the mascot of our faith. Is 40:31 was something of an "it" verse back in the day. It was used frequently it didn't hurt that it had been put to music and was sung often during chapel as well as at church. Our softball team even used it as our team verse so obviously it must be a good one..

Can anyone tell me what a child can possibly know about waiting, this is the age group that invented the phrase "are we there yet". As a teenager waiting means dreading that the phone won't ring and you won't have a date for the weekend or waiting for the results of a particularly difficult test, or waiting to see if you made the play or the team or won the election. Or standing at home plate and waiting for that perfect pitch. Needless to say I had no clue what waiting was and even less on waiting upon God.

When I left school I had such great plans, fantastic hopes and dreams. I had no idea how I was going to make these plans, hopes and dreams happen only that surely they would all fall into place. I knew God had plans for me I even had an idea of what they were. Even now all these years later I believe that. What I didn't understand was that God didn't just have plans for me He had a plan! I knew I was supposed to be a wife and mother. I knew that God had these plans for me, that this was where I would serve God best. Accepting these plans would be defying my family but I understood that I needed to follow God. And yes I said defying. My family expected me to be a doctor, a lawyer, president, a career woman. An interesting mover and shaker. So believe me when I say being "just" a wife and mother was a defiance. I was told "no one has a right to freeload like that" that I was "wasting my brain" and other such things.

Because of the way I was brought up I honestly believed I was "sacrificing" my life for God. But I am an arrogant fool, God gives you your gifts does that not mean He expects us to use them? And when you follow God's plan for you, you do it in His time not yours.

When I was 22 I met a man, a totally unsuitable man, one who had been wicked and wild

divorced not once but twice but he had turned his back on that and was dedicated to family or so he said. He was a good son a dedicated father, charismatic and sexy. He was the flame and I was the moth circling it until I was all but blind to God's plans. I knew I was getting older (ok, stop laughing I was 22 that is old when you are 22) and I needed to get on with God's plan. I was so afraid that no one was going to want me (again not waiting for God and certainly not trusting in Him) no one would love me that I would be alone for the rest of my life missing out on the chance to be wife and mother I rushed into a relationship. Looking back, knowing the two of us as I do now I have to admit I not only rushed into it I forced it. What a disaster!!! I survived a marriage that can easily be described as hell on earth. No joy, no happiness, no life of living according to God's plan. There was misery, despair, disdain, drudgery and contempt. God was not a part of my marriage! I am lucky that God did not abandon me but no instead He continued to protect me even in my arrogance. I stayed in that fiasco of a marriage for 10 long years before finally ending it.

Even then I did not as for God's guidance I knew what had to be done. Yet with every wrong choice, every time I rushed forward knowing what was wrong and ready to fix it all by myself. God blessed and protected me. Why? well not because I am some prize of a follower nope because He loves me and has plans for me. It took me a long long time to let go and really let God. I would pray but then I would start bargaining, then I would ask for forgiveness and say I knew I wasn't supposed to try and bargain with Him, then I would ask for help but I would lay out my plans and let Him know how I needed His help. I did not listen to what He wanted done and I certainly did not wait upon His plans.. Oh arrogant, arrogant child. Can you not just picture God sitting there shaking His head after we finished our little talks? I am so lucky that God did not give up on me.

Now I find myself praying not for what I need as much as for the ability to wait upon God's timing. That I will learn to listen not control. Even as I write this I wonder at my motives. Am I truly trying to share what God has done in my life? Or am I trying to manipulate God's plans again? See one of the negatives to rushing God's plans is that when He speaks you are not quite sure if it is Him. I mean we don't get a lot of burning bushes these days. So you tremble and pray it isn't once again your ego and arrogance taking charge trying to "fix" things.

I submit these words to God asking Him to use them as He sees fit, even if that means He doesn't use them at all. I hope finally I am on the right path and am using one of the gifts He gave me in a manner that becomes Him. and yes, I am praying that I learn to listen and wait.

Making It Public - Part 1

Recently while I was at church part of the sermon was about Making Your Faith Public. This caught my attention. I started writing about my faith and the three bible verses that have made the hugest impact in my life. Instead of writing one huge blog I decided to break it down into three parts this is part 1.

On June 13, 1980 I graduated from Whittier Christian High School. I was full of faith both in God's love and in my ability to accept God's plan in my life and to live a rich and full life in Christ. I left fully armed with the shield of my faith. I was well educated in my faith and inspired by three Bible verses. They were my banner that proceeded me, that declared my faith to the world.

The first was John 3:16 what I believe to be the very foundation of the Christian belief

For God so loved the world

He gave His only begotten Son

So whosoever believith in Him

Shall not perish

But have eternal life.

Pretty basic, God loved us enough to send His Son. To live as man, a perfect life then in His Prime, well I suppose due to the time He was probably pushing towards the end of the average life span but no matter. Anyway At the age of 33 He was accused, tried and convicted of I guess NOT being the Son of God. He was mocked, vilified and finally crucified left to die a horrid and torturous death. We all know the story it has been told over and over again, in film, on TV, in our homes, at our churches. It has been told so much it has taken on almost mythic proportions. Passed along until it has reached fairytale status. We will see the verse blazoned on poster board at a

What an arrogant child I was and like the sheep The Great Shepard claimed us to be I followed the path of least resistance. Seeing the verse I would shake my head, silently mock the person who dared post it, occasionally I would quote it to myself or to those around me, to show my intelligence and Christian education.

One day I started to think just what that verse means. I am a parent I have four beautiful, wonderful children. God more than blessed me with these fabulous shining stars. They constantly bring joy and light into my life. They make my world a wondrous place to be. I watch them grow and develop see them starting out on the paths of their lives, see the things they may accomplish and the people they may become. I have a fierce love for them, intense and proud as only a parent can be. Now as an adult a parent I look at that verse and think. God loved the world - ME - so much He sent His Son to die for me, to be mocked and tortured and crucified for me. So my sins can be washed away.

Let me put this into perspective, real honest perspective. I have a deep and true love for several people the love of a friend to others and general brotherly love to the world. The love that one of God's children should show to the world. Even then knowing that I care, that I want to spend eternity in heaven with you all. There is NO WAY, NO CONCEIVABLE WAY, that I would allow, let alone send forth one (let alone my ONLY one) of my children to suffer such humiliation. To sacrifice even a hair on their heads (ok that is extreme but you get my point) to die for anyone's sins. To let them go KNOWING in advance what would be done to them. Yet God, in His amazing grace did just that. He sent His perfect Son down to live among us, die for us, to die for me..

Oh arrogant vain me, never again will I presume to understand what real unconditional love is. I can only begin to discover what an amazing gift God gave me. Now when I see that verse, plastered on poster board waving in the end zone at a sporting event or on a leaflet, I will not mock that person. No I will give thanks to God because He loved me so much. I will give thanks to God that someone is out there reminding me how much God loved me. Shoot I may just go make a few poster boards myself. I will do what I can to make Jesus' sacrifice a commonplace fact. One every single person I know is aware of. Then I will rejoice that I was given such an opportunity.

Struggling to Be

These last couple of months have been very very hard on me. It seems that I have become just a bit adicted to the computer and I have been suffering very major withdrawel. It is hard to accept that you have put so much of yourself into interacting with others only online. In a way it is safer as you can project the image you want and hide from any hurtful insights from those in your life. I admit that has a very tempting aspect to it but it seems in the end you just come out lonlier and worse.. more alone..

I have always been the type of person that draws energy into myself from a crowd, have been considered the life of the party (in a good positive way not the slam back a drink, lets have sex kinda way). I treasure my relationships with others and enjoy spending time with friends but for some reason my stint in Illinois (25 years now) has turned me into a recluse, afraid to interact with people and holding myselff back. Just recently I have been attempting to rectify that behavior. I have been making an effort to get to know others and have fun with women my age it just seems that I have to constantly force my way into the group. It is painful. I am not sure what is causing this, I used to be kind and considerate always ready to lend a helping hand but slowly over time I have become the one who constantly needs help. I think in ways I am considered more of a charity case than a friend. I mean, if someone wants to do something nice for another person, I am always the one people think of. These are good decent people who just want to help out... but I don't get invited to the show or the fair or shoot even the bingo game.. I am just left hanging while all the other moms go out and have fun and interact. I am not sure how to change this, not sure if I even can at this point but I know I am just tired of hurting..

Now I could say it is a stage, it is something that just happens but somehow it has become a way of life and personally I hate it!! I am the woman who does.. who is.. not the one who sits around and waits.. I have spent my life giving back, teaching my children to give back. I learned to stand on my own two feet at the age of two and rarely looked back. I have been proud of the accomplishments I made on my own.. yet it seems lately I am forever needing advice, suggestions and help. I have just about had enough... somehow I have to find me again. Find the woman who knows that there is so much out there to give.. not the one who is always top of the list to be given to..

Did You Ever??

Did you ever express yourself for the sheer joy of sharing who and what you are and find out later that your words hurt someone else? Did you ever wonder why it is that no matter what you say it is the wrong thing? Did you ever try to live your own life and not make it about others and then find out that you are making it all about you?

Recently I have had some pretty crappy times, I have leaned on people and frankly I hate it. Because I hate taking from people I am not gracious with it yet with the way things have been going about in my life for the past year I have needed all the charity I can get.

The things is charity is an interesting thing, people expect something back from it. If you are lucky all they expect is for you to pick yourself up and pay it forward. The thing is picking yourself back up is hard sometimes seemingly impossible. Especially when you are being monitored and watched for mistakes.When your very words of growth are used as an attack on those who have loved you in the past.

I have been given a lot lately, by people who genuinely cared I accepted it in the vein it was offered but now I wonder should I have not.. should I have just accepted the consequences of my choices and moved on? and then I decided, I am so imperfect.. I am such a flawed and broken vessel... who am I to decide what I am worthy or unworthy of?

So today I am reminding myself of a simple and basic truth, choosing to live by it.. bring it close to my heart and truly listen to the words.. and sometimes it means remembering to love yourself..

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What is a Hero?

We hear about heros on the news all of the time. We hear about sports heros and movie star heros.. they call them role models and expect them to be above reproach. Well not exactly see if you an NFL player you can't kill a dog but you can commit vehicular manslaughter. NBA, well it is ok to choke the coach, but don't get caught not wearing a suit. Baseball, go ahead and strike but make sure when you do you take your ex-wife back to court so you don't have to pay child support. a figure skater.. well no baseball bats. and if you are a swimmer stay away from bongs.

Now we had what could be called a bonified hero in Senator McCain but there are those who think really he was a survivor not a hero and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.

The thing is we look to the wrong place for our heros, our role models.. Oprah is great but face it she has flaws just like anyone else. Look around you, do you see that father working two jobs so his wife can stay home and be with the kids... that is a hero. See the people who go to the P.A.D.S. (a homeless shelter program here in Illinois) churches week after week, year after year simple because it is the right thing to do, THAT is a role model. The young mom who runs accross the street to visit with an elderly neighbor that is a role model. And yes, the Fireman who risks his life day in and day out. The policeman who puts his life on the line for good.. that is a hero.

In today's society we dance gleefully in the streets when the good stumble, priests (DO NOT GET ME WRONG HERE) there are a handful of vile horrid priests out there and hundreds of thousands commited to serving their God.. which do we hear about? and don't worry I have an entire blog in mind for the horrid vile ones..

We hear about the policemen who are corrupt but forget the ones who go to work every day and do their jobs..

My point is we let the entertainment industry tell us who our heros are. We are so caught up in the glamour we refuse to see the corruptness beneath. As a parent, as a member of a community, as a member of society at large we need to teach our children what a real hero is. We need to say thank you to those who make a difference.. sports? they are fine but remember what they are, dunking a basketball, getting a homerun or making a touchdown does not a hero make.

just a though

I Just Can't Do It

It is amazing how no matter what the things that make you, you remain. No matter what steps you take, no matter how you disguise yourself your inner being comes through.

For example I started this blog partially as a means to document what was going on in my life. To share some of the day to day trials and tribulations. To put it out there oh maybe just to get it off my chest but also, maybe to help just one more person. But it seems I can't to dig that deep down and share my life is something I just can't do. I thought for a moment I was going to be able to. I have this other blog where I remain quite anonymous, none of my friends or family is aware of it and no one who I have met there knows me in real life. There it seems I can share my innermost thoughts and emotions I mean how many people are going to walk up to me on the street and say I recognize you from your blog?

Now since I have included my family and friends in this blog so I loose the anonymity, my choice, but I find I can't share a lot. This is not their fault, no it is because of me. See I was raised do not air your dirty laundry and honestly the stuff that happens in my life is just that.. oh not in some deviant form (at least then I could say I was having fun) no just day to day life.

I am going to attempt to change, going to attempt to share more. THAT after all is why I started writing this blog. If it starts to sound like I am whining please forgive me because I am not.. really, all things condsidered I have had a pretty good life..

I want to go, I want to see

It seems to me as the years fly by, I want to go more places and see more things. I willingly chose a life of parenting and have enjoyed most of it. Of my own valition I moved to the midwest and have enjoyed most of my many years in Chicagoland (well I could have lived without the winters but even they had some purpose). But as my children grow I see what changes are ahead for me.

I am going to travel, I am going to do the things I didn't do. Well, I can dream I am going to do those things. When I was 18 I wanted to travel the states, work when I ran out of money and discover what was out there. Heck I wanted to do Europe too but I really wanted to do the states. I didn't, I did what I was supposed to do and it has been one of my very few true regrets. fortunately, it is one I can ammend.

I know I have 3 1/2 years before this can happen, but I am seriously considering buying a train ticket to somewhere, taking a bag, a camera and a laptop and finding America. I think it could be fun, interesting and just plain educational. I don't know if I will actually do it but doesn't the dream sound grand? I also dream of living in Barcelona (blame John Cleese and Fawlty Towers) but I have been in love with Barcelona ever since I first heart Manuel utter those now famous words... "I am Manuel from Barcelona".. ok, totally different topic.

For some reason though, lately my dreams have been growing and expanding.. Oh don't get me wrong I still enjoy parenting, hey I actually like my kids (well sometimes at least one of them all the time).

Just a little ramble and thought I would share what is bouncing around my brain...

Changing Direction or Rather Refinding it

When I first considered writing a blog it was with the intention of speaking what ever comes to my mind. I immediately lost that by starting to write about my kids.. don't get me wrong I love my kids I am proud of my kids... but I want this blog to be about me and what is on my mind.

So I started a new blog.. called juggling teens it can be found at http://jugglingteens.blogspot.com/ please feel free to visit.. see what's going on in the lives of the banshees.. but for now, this blog returns to what is going on in my head and I believe you will all find that an adventure all in itself