The New Year

It has been a wild 6 months and I find it hard to believe that I have managed that long without a computer. What crazed insane world have I been living in? I mean how can I contact friends? Find out what I missed on the soaps? Read the paper????

Seriously it has been a time of healing for me because as I tend to do I go obsessed with my online life and forgot about the rest. Now I am working very hard on getting life back in balance.. I have friends, yes I am actually going out with them occasionally... a movie, the bookstore, a get together.. wow.. what a difference from this time a year ago when I sat in a room and waited for life to come to me..

Today when I came to the library I stepped in and said hello to a friend (who happens to run it) she was surprised not just to see me but to see that I had on a nice sweater, jewlery and even a touch of make up.. all just because I wanted to go to the library. Nothing more special than that. It is great that I am finally getting out of the dumpy mom stage of my life. It has been a long, very very long haul but I am getting there.

For right now, until I actually do get a computer writing this blog is going to be sporadic at best, don't worry I will be around to occasionally comment on what ever crosses my mind. I know you all have been devestated without my regular doses of what I call wit..

Have a wonderful January all, remember go outside enjoy life don't get trapped like I did.. eventually the trap is sprung and you have to figure out how many decades you missed

All This Good News, So Why Does Life Just Suck?

So this week Word Girl comes home and tells me to call the father of one of her friend's seems they may have a job for me.. pretty cool right? I mean I have been unemployed for two freakin years and it has been really really hard, on me physically and emotionally. On my kids everyone. There are times when the only reason I made it through was because I had no choice. So I called and while they are not quite sure what they are doing as of yet, the position looks good.

Then, yesterday I got a call from the manager of this place I am living. It was supposed to be temporary but with no job finding a better place has been hard... and this place is way too expensive believe me an apt would be way way cheaper. Anyway he called and of course I thought that is it, we are out.. but NO!! He called to say that they had reduced my rates BIG time.. and I can almost afford to live here...

I have my local State Rep working on getting my missing child support check out of the greedy clutches of the CS system and there is hope for that.. I should see a check for over 600.00 soon.

So all great news right??

Well today in less than an hour and a half.. storage is going to auction off all of my things.. my entire life.. and the kids.. poof gone.. I have begged, borrowed and considered stealing from all that I can do so from.. There really is no more hope and frankly this will be the thing that pushes me over the edge..

So if I am not here for a while it is because I just plain gave up...


an addendum.. so an amazing friend said quit your witchin.. and the bill was paid.. Do you ever think God gets tired of being doubted? My God is an Awesome God

A Slight Correction

In my last blog I spoke of the woman who left her children on the side of the road and drove away.. I was not by any means condoning her actions.. I was really more angry than imagined because her children had no sense of team.. I know it sounds silly because as a parent goodness knows I have failed over and over again.. but I truly believe that my children have a strong sense of self and of their siblings. They believe in each other in ways I could only dream of.

Please understand when I said I understood her frustration I meant just that I understood it.. came close to doing something very similar I did not CONDONE it.. our children are our most precious commodity and should be coddled and protected.. loved and nurtured and we as parents should ALWAYS put them before ourselves..

Yes we need to provide structure and discipline, we need to teach them right from wrong and we need to tell them no... but our needs while important are not the most important... we need to be the parents they need not have our children be the children we need.. if that makes any sense at all.

I guess what hurt me so much about my previous post was the fact that this poor little girl was wandering around alone abandoned by her mother and her sister.. I just wanted them to be found together.. ready to take on the world.

Sighs guess we don't always get what we want.. of course I would prefer that their mother has been able to hold it together until she got to the end of their block..making them get out and walk in a familiar environment would not have been a bad thing..

Oh well she made a choice and will now pay for it for the rest of her life..

I Just Can't Do It

It is amazing how no matter what the things that make you, you remain. No matter what steps you take, no matter how you disguise yourself your inner being comes through.

For example I started this blog partially as a means to document what was going on in my life. To share some of the day to day trials and tribulations. To put it out there oh maybe just to get it off my chest but also, maybe to help just one more person. But it seems I can't to dig that deep down and share my life is something I just can't do. I thought for a moment I was going to be able to. I have this other blog where I remain quite anonymous, none of my friends or family is aware of it and no one who I have met there knows me in real life. There it seems I can share my innermost thoughts and emotions I mean how many people are going to walk up to me on the street and say I recognize you from your blog?

Now since I have included my family and friends in this blog so I loose the anonymity, my choice, but I find I can't share a lot. This is not their fault, no it is because of me. See I was raised do not air your dirty laundry and honestly the stuff that happens in my life is just that.. oh not in some deviant form (at least then I could say I was having fun) no just day to day life.

I am going to attempt to change, going to attempt to share more. THAT after all is why I started writing this blog. If it starts to sound like I am whining please forgive me because I am not.. really, all things condsidered I have had a pretty good life..

The Thing About Life

The thing about life is that no matter how horrible it gets as long as you keep on living it gets better... or at least changes and allows you a new set of challenges.

Oh good lord doesnt that just sound like a load of crap? but it is true, as long as you choose to keep going one step at a time, one day at a time eventually things happen. Is my life any better today than yesterday well no... the lovely state of Illinois Child Support System is still behind on my Child Support. I am still wondering about food, shelter and storage but...

A good night's sleep a talk with a friend and life just looks better. It comes down to I believe.. interesting isn't it?

On a different note, today I wrote to the president. Something I have done once a month since I turned 18.. I figure it is the best way for him to know what is going on in the everyday lives of his constituents.. I suggest you do the same.. invite him into your life, share your day with him, also your senators, congressmen and local reps.. my reason being, if you are part of their daily lives maybe just maybe they will remember that they are there to serve you (me, us) and actually try to do their jobs.

On Honest Heart

After my last two posts I was having trouble thinking of what I should write. Should I continue with what is going on? Keep those who showed concern up to date? Should I ignore what was going on and continue to write about everything but the elephant under the carpet? And then I read my comments, it is interesting what comes to mind when one reads the words of others.

I wrote in my blog that I was unworthy of such a miracle, and I am but in that vein aren't we all? We do not become worthy of God's grace, no we are blessed to receive it. It is a gift handed to us by God, not ours to deny nor to argue with. What we must do is accept it with grace, dignity and gratitude. I had forgotten that.

I often feel less worthy than others, that also is an interesting concept.. how does one become less worthy? If one is less worthy does that not mean then that others are more worthy? And are they? really? are we not all imperfect beings doing our best to live to our convictions.. follow our God or beliefs and struggle through the day to day? Then how could I be less worthy? Or if my humble heart went that way.. more worthy? The answer of course is that I can't none of us can. At best we can sit here astounded that God deemed any of us worthy at all.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I so often forget what has been given to me.. and more often than not need a kick in the pants to remind me.

Each Day Something New To Deal With

Every day when I wake up I wonder if today will be the day when I can get out of the fiasco I have arrived in. Over the past few months we have been living in a hotel. Now initially this was to be a short term prospect I had a place lined up to move to all I had to do was wait for my income taxes to get in. Now my taxes would have been more than enough to get us settled. Of course for the first time ever there was a problem with my taxes. And here it is 9 months later and I am still waiting. The government says that there is no problem they are in process. I have even filed a claim but to no avail. It has of course driven me to the point of insanity. While living here I have paid what would amount to two years rent elsewhere, not to mention storage for all of my belongings. This of course leaves us short for everything else.

Now I am not complaining because my own choices brought me here, but some days I just want to scream. The cabin fever crawls through all of us and leaves us just biting each others heads off. I worry so about the damage I am causing my kids. Oh I know they are still better off than many. They live in the town they grew up in, attend the high school with all of their friends and are able to participate in almost all of the activities that they want to. And I know that they will survive this but I do wonder if I will.

As a parent we want to give our children everything and if we can't do that we want to give them at least the security of having a home to call their own with their things around them. I know when things are going good I tend to give them more than I should and yet it doesn't change the fact that I am living in hope that I can once again give them all I can. What bothers me the most is the fact that they resent my choices. I have pretty much sacrificed everything for them and my reward is angry sullen teenagers. Or at least towards me, with the assumption that I do not do anything to help out or get things accomplished. This too is very frustrating for me, especially since I have given them so much over the years.

Not that they don't help out, they do. JR offers what he can from his paycheck but is working hard at school and finally has his priorities straight. Cori spent most of his summer earnings helping out as he could and Frankie used her earnings to help out and yet pay for her own school needs. So while I mumble and get angry I appreciate all that they have done. Which of course makes the anger and the cabin fever harder and harder to deal with.

Will we survive? of course, and with a strong family unit intact but in the meantime I worry. About everything.