A New Dawn

So life has once again gotten interesting... these past two years have been dark, very dark a difficult place for me to be. Me the woman who honestly believes that there is always good, always a silver lining, the glass is always (just a bit over half full)...

I have been known to drive those who know me completely bonkers with what they call my inability to face reality. What they don't understand it isn't not facing reality it is refusing to let reality run my life.. I mean I know my life is difficult, I know I have been a single mother raising four kids on her own for 12 years now. I know life has been a series of bad choices and rotten luck for many of them. But I also know I have met some amazing and wonderful people along the way. I know I have faced my demons and walked away from them. I know that I would not have done so had my life been different. So I choose to rejoice!! I choose to be grateful for what I have no longer wallow in what I have not!

I firmly believe the true miracles in our lives come not from grand sweeping gestures from God (and yes I have had those) but in the fact that tomorrow the sun will still come up. That eventually I will have worked my way out of these troubles and found joy in my accomplishment. That I remembered to lift my burdens to God along the way, that I remembered that I am not in charge merely along for the ride and that I have been given an amazing gift of the life I have. If that makes me an idealist, one who lives in fantasyland.. then hello fantasyland!! cuz I am so not leaving..

I Just Can't Do It

It is amazing how no matter what the things that make you, you remain. No matter what steps you take, no matter how you disguise yourself your inner being comes through.

For example I started this blog partially as a means to document what was going on in my life. To share some of the day to day trials and tribulations. To put it out there oh maybe just to get it off my chest but also, maybe to help just one more person. But it seems I can't to dig that deep down and share my life is something I just can't do. I thought for a moment I was going to be able to. I have this other blog where I remain quite anonymous, none of my friends or family is aware of it and no one who I have met there knows me in real life. There it seems I can share my innermost thoughts and emotions I mean how many people are going to walk up to me on the street and say I recognize you from your blog?

Now since I have included my family and friends in this blog so I loose the anonymity, my choice, but I find I can't share a lot. This is not their fault, no it is because of me. See I was raised do not air your dirty laundry and honestly the stuff that happens in my life is just that.. oh not in some deviant form (at least then I could say I was having fun) no just day to day life.

I am going to attempt to change, going to attempt to share more. THAT after all is why I started writing this blog. If it starts to sound like I am whining please forgive me because I am not.. really, all things condsidered I have had a pretty good life..

Arrogance is an Amazing Thing

Years ago I remember telling my mother that I hated going into rooms because I was sure everyone was talking about me. Her response was what makes you think that you are that important?

Now that was a harsh response in some ways but it is true, what makes anyone think it is all about them? What makes an individual feel that it is about them? Life is so full of such crazy and interesting things that we have no control over how could we ever assume that it is about us. We are just a part of it all.

Some things we have control over, our thoughts, our words, our actions, our dreams and our hopes but so many things we don't and we never will. Just live your life and enjoy. Find what brings you happiness and go for it..

Surviving the Day

I had a really good day today. It was just a simple sunday that was spent with my girls and family friends. The girls bickered and battled and then would laugh and gang up on me. Just as it should be...

I came home to find that the lives of my friends had been altered. One was under threat by an internet pest and one was having to deal with life changes that were hurting her. Each is coping as best they can but I know they struggle and I can not help them at all, either of them.

One thing I did learn though, beware.. beware of who you trust and beware of not trusting.. guard your heart and yet don't be afraid to let it fly free... plan for your life then be ready to change those plans, often. and most of all don't ever be afraid to start over. As long as there is life, there is change.

Yes this blog is rambling but I am unsettled and these things are just popping to the top. so thank you all for listening.. have a good day, week, year life.. remember as long as you open your eyes in the morning you are winning

You Don't Own Me

So tonight as I lay awake not sleeping, The First Wives Club came on on USA. It is a funny, quirky and interesting movie. But the underlying message is so powerful that we need to remind ourselves of it on a regular basis.

Three women of middling years, are brought back together by the suicide of a mutual friend, once together they discover that their lives while looking good from the outside are pretty horrid in actuality. All of their problems seem to stem from bad marriages and husbands that are leaving them for younger women. Except as the movie goes on they find that yes the men are pretty rotten but their lives suck because they lost themselves.

As women, we do this. Probably from childhood. There are some, such as myself who are people pleasers, I truly want to make people happy. I tend to bend over way too far to accomplish this. When I choose to accept someone into my life I offer them pieces of me in doing this I give them power over me. The power to even control my feelings it would seem. During my childhood I was always told I was too sensitive. So I learned to contain those feelings, to hide them. To make sure no one really knew what was going on. It didnt help obviously, while I learned to smile at just about anything, to face life head on and take it as it came. What I never learned to do was accept myself.

I learned to give pieces of me away, others owned me.... My feelings were no longer mine because if shared they were mocked. So I hid and hurt for years. When I would share this with the handful of people that I trusted I would hear "Oh, you shouldn't give them so much power over you" or "you are just too sensitive". Well first off, if I could stop being the way I am of course I would not give them the power over me and secondly.... see number one. I am a sensitive woman there is no crime in that. I don't ask that you become suddenly sensitve, I ask that you just let me be. sheesh, rock hard emotions are not all that great of an accomplishment. Actually I feel it is a failing and because you lack something the only way to make yourself feel better is to mock those who feel.

It took me years and years to realize that the failing wasnt in me. That I was made the way I am and that those that had issues with my sensitivity had the problem. It took years and years for me to say hey, this is me deal or leave. I left home, where I was loved (baffeled, bemused and confused them all but they loved me) and yet even there I was told to not feel. To not care to not be so sensitive, eventually I entered into a marriage where it was worse. Here I was not loved so while I heard those same words they were abusive and controlling. I was not good enough because I was different.

Finally one day I looked up and realized.... You don't own me... not my family, whom I adore, not my husband, who I showed the door, not the world around me. I am a complex and unique individual. Yes I will always attempt to please those around me but you pushed me out and made me find my feet now you can't say how I do things. Yes I will always feel deeply, never again will I hold those back to make someone else happy. If you want to get to know me, then here I am. No fuss no frills.. but seriously You Don't Own Me.

Life's Miracles

No, I am not back on the internet.. I do though have limited use of one in the downstairs lobby of the hotel. Not the best of circumstances but at least it provides an alternative to nothing.

A long time ago when I was the golden girl and my life was full of promise; I was considered the best of friends, the one people went to when they needed a shoulder to lean on, advice, or whatever.. then life hit and it hit hard. Over the past 11+ years of single parenthood I have struggled to put food on the table a roof over their heads and clothing on their backs. For years school clothes and school supplies were sent by my mom and Christmas? well it often happened because there is a Santa Claus, not because I had the wherewith all to provide a good one. And of course the ever ongoing struggle for money.. if you listen to their father he is the reason all good things have happened and if left up to me entirely we would be on the street. Of course this confuses me since I am here every single friggen day.. trying to give them whatever I can and his contribution? Child support and the occasional grand gesture.

But that is for another day, what I honestly want to talk about is the ongoing struggle that is seriously part of my life and yes many of it is from bad choices. I am not one to put the blame on another's shoulder just because it makes me look better. As hard as it has been, amazingly enough there have been some pretty awesome miracles along the way. Just tonight one was handed to me. Now I don't deserve such graciousness but not being an idiot I am not going to complain. For some reason even in my stupidity God smiles on me and sends me angels of grace and blessings. Just think how wonderful a tribute to Him I would be if I actually listened occasionally.

What I did want to say, is that when you are down and you wonder why those miracles never happen to you.. look around are the bills paid? Do you still have a job? healthy children? a roof over your head? Believe me the miracles are coming every day in teeny tiny little ways. Appreciate them and say a prayer in thanks for me. Remember we don't deserve our miracles we just get lucky

Getting Back on Level Ground

So I have been on an emotional rollercoaster of late. Between the natural sensitivity that I was born with, which believe me is a lot, and the hormones that seem to be constantly careening throughout my body (I refuse to admit that I am pre-meni but I am) and the basic foibles of life.. the roller coaster has gone haywire.

But I am forced to remember the scene from Parenthood, with Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen where Grandma tells them how she loved the roller coaster.. how some people liked the merry go round how the stability of it's constant up and down. How they preferred it but her.. she loved the roller coaster. With it's twists and turns, careening about being thrown hither and yon.

And it made me think, is life really that bad? I have a roof over my head granted it is not the picket fence world I envisioned, I have healthy happy children.. they are strong independent individuals, the very reason they drive me nuts is because they are strong individuals. They are bright, smart and articulate and they love me.. sometimes they even respect me.. and on that rare occasion when life is perfect they like me (hey they are teenagers.. what more can I ask for?). I am healthy, I am loved and I am strong.. in the end I am lucky.

So on that note.. I trudge on recovering my balance and seeing the world as it is best viewed.. with laughter.

On Honest Heart

After my last two posts I was having trouble thinking of what I should write. Should I continue with what is going on? Keep those who showed concern up to date? Should I ignore what was going on and continue to write about everything but the elephant under the carpet? And then I read my comments, it is interesting what comes to mind when one reads the words of others.

I wrote in my blog that I was unworthy of such a miracle, and I am but in that vein aren't we all? We do not become worthy of God's grace, no we are blessed to receive it. It is a gift handed to us by God, not ours to deny nor to argue with. What we must do is accept it with grace, dignity and gratitude. I had forgotten that.

I often feel less worthy than others, that also is an interesting concept.. how does one become less worthy? If one is less worthy does that not mean then that others are more worthy? And are they? really? are we not all imperfect beings doing our best to live to our convictions.. follow our God or beliefs and struggle through the day to day? Then how could I be less worthy? Or if my humble heart went that way.. more worthy? The answer of course is that I can't none of us can. At best we can sit here astounded that God deemed any of us worthy at all.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support. I so often forget what has been given to me.. and more often than not need a kick in the pants to remind me.

Mircles are truly an Amazing Thing

As I stated in my earlier blog, I was sure today was to be my last with a roof over my head. Oh I knew I would survive and that eventually it would work out.. But today the miracles abound.

Obviously I received enough funds to make it through.. a gift from an unexpected source.

Then another friend mentioned the possibility of maybe knowing of a house I can move to

And Finally, an opportunity for a job from a parent of one of my son's friends..

God does work in mysterious ways.. and honestly I have been blessed.. and I am not sure why, it certainly isn't because I deserve it or earned it.

Today

Each day is a perpetual challenge.. today I am running a gauntlet and may or may not survive the challenge. Oh of course I will live that is not an issue but rather life gets tough, decisions are being made for me and I may stumble a bit.

See do to some crazy bad choices we live in a hotel room.. long story. Finances have been stretched to the limit of imagination and today.. well today they may cease to exist. It seems I live in constant fear a sword of Damocles constantly over my head.

To explain the knot of apprehension that floats within is impossible, words really can't even begin to describe my fear.. I rarely admit to either failure or mind numbing fear. For two reasons.. One, life goes on if we allow fear to paralyze us then nothing gets accomplished. We give too much power to the negative emotions that surround us and hope gets lost in the process. And failure.. well in the end if one survives one wins. So I go on, day by day.. step by step. But today fear is winning just a tad.

Be with me if you will, offer out your prayers, your energy whatever you may.. it will help me to survive today's ordeal. I thank you

***** a slight note****
I don't expect anyone to solve my problems I just needed to say them out loud

Just One More Day

The recent election has really had me thinking. The sacrifices that have been made, the compromises.. even the behind the scenes deals. All of the politics as usual. As a resident of the Chicago suburbs I have a deep seeded gut reflex to all things political. Of course they are all crooks.. I mean this is Chicago after all. I know, I know that is unfair but there you have it. So having the president elect spring from the Chicago political system is scary, downright scary. No matter that he seems a pretty decent man.. who rose to power on his own wits and abilities. I know I disagree with a lot of who he is and what he believes in but that's ok, he will be my president and will receive the respect from me, that the office deserves.

But with all of the drama ensuing, the excitement of having a black president.. the basic distrust of where he came from (Chicago politics), my basic ideological disagreements.. their is one thought that rings through my head.. Just One More Day!! I can't help but find tears in my eyes at the thought of his grandma dying one day, one mere day before he was elected. One moment too soon... oh I know many of us believe that she is with him, that her spirit will bring him comfort.. but still to loose that tangible touch on such a personal great day.

It makes me sad, yet it also forces me to think.. what am i waiting for? Am I going to let even one more moment pass without saying what needs to be said? Acting on dreams put on hold? Waiting for the right moment? I don't think so.. I may not have that one more day. I may loose that last moment. I mean there are no promises.. life isn't made that way. So what we must do is live fully with what we have. Be grateful for every moment that comes our way. Even the ones that leave you confused, angry, sad.. there is a place for them.. I just hope not a defining place.

So for me, I plan to take that One More Moment and live..

Did Ya Ever?

Sometimes in life, there are exciting adventures.. made to share and sometimes there are those that arent yours to share.. because of a conversation I have had.. I will not be posting anymore about my mom here..

Sometimes even the best intentions lead to the wrong actions

Traveling Down the Road To Insanity

Recently I spoke of changes and choices and how my life has been filled with both. First off the change of not having a secure income and living place and secondly by choosing all of the wrong things.

I am a single mother, who because of a series of decisions by both myself and my former employer am out of work. Loosing my job was absolutely devastating, I don't loose jobs, i am a good solid worker, reliable and focused. I am polite, respect office policies and don't speak in a vulgar manner. And yet I was let go for reasons that have just recently become clear to me. When I first lost my job I settled into a deep funk that took me ages to get out of. Unsure of my most basic capabilities. Each decision was questioned and then ignored, allowing life to flow around me yet not doing anything to fix it. I struggled both emotionally and physically finding it hard to even leave my home.

Circumstances played out that I had to move and the apartment we were going to move to was rented to a family member so we were basically left homeless, moving into a hotel for temporary amount of time we waited for my taxes before moving on. Of course there was a problem with our taxes and they never arrived.. leaving us in a hotel room that was costing us more than double what an apartment would and draining all of our savings. So I struggled making decisions based on day to day life, reacting instead or acting. Then I met a former co-worker astoundingly enough in the lobby of the hotel. Seems the company had over the year laid off or fired any employee making a decent salary and replaced them with ones that worked for less.

It is amazing the difference that this knowledge has done for my attitude. Suddenly I am making decisions again, unafraid to be wrong, secure in the fact that I am perfectly capable of doing it all. I am still unemployed, still living with my four kids in a hotel room, still paying way too much.. but life is suddenly better.

An Adventure Into Blogging

Today I have started on this adventure called blogging. While I have no specific direction for this particular blog I wanted to get started.

My life, as I am sure most of yours are, is a mixture of confusion and madness. I am attempting to raise four children on my own. I have been a single mother since my oldest was 9 and my youngest was 3, they are now 14, 16, 18 and 20. Needless to say they rule my life. Actually they have become the center of my world. Some days my entire day seems to focus around what I can do for them, what I have done for them or God forbid, what I haven't done for them. Not that I am complaining they are pretty fantastic individuals, each has developed a unique personality and a creative individuality. I am sure I will be writing often of my journey as their mother. See the world does revolve around them.

I have come to a crossroads in my life and want to see what else I can do with it. I am sure you all will soon get to hear about the insane and clueless adventures of Shauni. Each day has been another growing opportunity for me, just opening my eyes some days seems like an adventure or an opportunity for fun. Of course there are those days when I think I am winning just because I did open my eyes.

I hope to extend this blog to include a few book reports and movie reports. Maybe share some of my photography. I am not sure exactly what I will end up with but for now where I want it to be go. We will see where it ends up.

For now I hope you all bear with me and enjoy the time I spend here with you all