A Thought on Quality Time

Remember when society finally acknowledged that women actually worked outside the home? When women who did work outside the home wanted it all? When we were promised we could have it all? 

Well there was a very popular saying that they spent quality time with their families.

I was raised in that society, women not only COULD have it all they HAD to. I remember stating that I wanted to stay home and be a wife and mother. I was told no one had the right to free load off of someone else like that. Ok, won't even go into the anger that statement made me feel. I tried to explain that if women could do anything, then women should be able to choose to stay home. It took years but finally in the late 90's it became acceptable again. 

I had this conversation mid-90's oddly enough with the same person who called me a freeloader and she pointed out that I spent a LOT of time with my children.. I commented yes but that is Quantity time and her response was.. well somewhere in all that quantity there is some quality.. so keep on doing it your way. You are making it work.

I do not regret staying home and raising my children, oddly enough I regret having to go back to work after my divorce.. I missed years of being home when they came through the door.. but I am pleased to say they all turned out pretty darn good!!

So this Weekend We Watched Movies

For some reason TBS decided to show a weekend full of family featured movies.. We went from The Wizard of Oz, to Hook, to Yours Mine and Ours, to Goonies.. it was a fun time..

What I love is the movie Hook, I know it was supposed to be a bomb but really the statement it makes on parenting is fabulous. There are so many little things that get lost in there.. tonight I noticed the line that Maura said about how we only have a few years of our children's lives when they want us to come to their activities.. then the rest of the time we seem to be chasing them.. demanding they communicate.

I guess I sorta got lucky, for the most part they still allow me in their lives.. some more than others but enough that I feel that I am part of the daily lives of a bunch of beasties..

So today, I guess I did good

Mircles are truly an Amazing Thing

As I stated in my earlier blog, I was sure today was to be my last with a roof over my head. Oh I knew I would survive and that eventually it would work out.. But today the miracles abound.

Obviously I received enough funds to make it through.. a gift from an unexpected source.

Then another friend mentioned the possibility of maybe knowing of a house I can move to

And Finally, an opportunity for a job from a parent of one of my son's friends..

God does work in mysterious ways.. and honestly I have been blessed.. and I am not sure why, it certainly isn't because I deserve it or earned it.

Just One Theme Today

It's my baby's 17th birthday!! Well not "the" baby.. but my special baby! She is wacky and wonderful, strong and determined, independent and needy, moody, broody and full of life! a daily challenge. A joy to have in my life.. Happy Birthday Ashley-Frances

Post Cards as Memories

I was web browsing the other day and visiting various sites and I must admit I am delighted with the options and blog sites that are out there. Yes I was always aware of them, I knew people were spending time journalling their thoughts, talents, frustrations and daily lives but knowing and experiencing are two separate things.

One site that I find especially enjoyable is the site a postcard a day http://apostcardaday.blogspot.com/, now this industrious person is posting the post cards she has received over the years. This brought back a found memory for me.

My mom loves to travel and believe me you will all get to hear about it over time, anyway back on track. My mom used to send the most fantastic post cards from where ever she traveled. Sometimes she would go off for the day on one of her jaunts and a couple of weeks later I would receive a card. It has happened so often I stopped trying to keep up with her. It did get a little troublesome a while back when she started going on extended trips and not letting me know. Now mind you i live in the midwest and she currently (actually has always) resides in the Los Angeles area. So I would go to call her and no answer, the advent of cell phones really helped me to keep track of her. But I have established the hard fast rule, no leaving the country without telling me first.

Anyway she would send postcards from some of her jaunts, occasionally it would be just a ha ha I am here and you are not.. like a trip to Olvera Street. one of my favorite places on earth. As a mother with young children it was obviously hard for me to go anywhere or experience any of it for myself. So I would take her post cards and laminate them, leaving them out to be played with by the children. A friend once asked my why I went to the expense of having them laminated and before I could respond one of the kids reached across the coffee table and spilled red juice on all of them. Smiling I picked up the post cards and handed it to her, still in pristine condition. My reasons now clear.

These postcards are still around, although for some reason my mom who has increased up her travelling has decreased her post card sending. Or maybe since my children are teens she has refocused her energies on the younger grandchildren. What a fabulous way to teach geography.One day this is a habit I hope to emulate with my grandchildren (one day far away from now).

Why is it?

So my son decided he would clean for me today. Wasn't that thoughtful, considerate.. downright amazing? No, he didn't even want anything, just decided to help out around here... I know what ever could I find to complain about in that sentence?

First off, where did my stuff go, oh not why is it not littering up my house, piles hither and yon? No, literally where did he put it. I may not put it away but it all has a place.. and yet i open cupboards, wander halls.. can't find a single thing. Now this is the child that keeps his room clean, just puts his socks on a shelf and his books in a sock drawer, so it will appear but goodness only knows where.

Second, if he is doing the cleaning, why is it that every step of the way does he ask me how to do it (with the exception of putting things where they go). Mom, how do i clean this, mom is this right? mom, i am gonna do it like this.. no mom, i really think I am right. It is too exhausting.. and I am not even doing the work. And I can't find my stuff.

God love kids with ADHD.

The Logic of Youth

There is little in this life that makes less sense than what a teenager considers logic. I realize we all at one time suffered from this dilemma fortunately for the world most of us grow out of it. With the exceptions of politicians and actors that is.

We are moving into performance season. My children all gifted musicians, ok they can all play an instrument, are active in several different band formats. Jazz band, mentor band, marching band, concert band, symphonic winds.. not all at once and not all together. Some will join one band or another will like it for a bit then move on as a new interest grows. Others stay in for as long as they can. But it is not the band that I am speaking of. It is the attire.

For concert appearances all of the above bands require the use of a tuxedo shirt. This shirt is worn to every concert and taken on every trip. Now that may sound like an abundance of uses but in all actuality it is really more like 10-15 times a year. In our household we currently have 7 tuxedo shirts, i have purchased many many more, and right now two are performing. Nice odds one would think. But alas in our house we tend to play where's the tuxedo shirt.

I have many times pointed out that once they have warn it, take it off and hang it up in the front closet. That will tell me it is dirty and needs to be washed and if for some reason it has not been washed it will at least be easy to locate. But my teenagers in their infinite wisdom have decreed that this is disgusting, hanging up dirty shirts (they wear them for maybe 2 hours at a time). No this they will not do.. they are not going to be seen in a dirty shirt. No, it is much better to take it off wad it up and toss it to the back of their closet. Then when they need it they can run around the house screaming because they can't find their shirt (see shoe blog and insert same routine here). Having finally found it, it is now wrinkled and dirty, ever so much more appropriate.

Eventually I will understand how their minds work.. i seriously can't wait to see how their children turn out. They can't be any crazier than mine

The Great Shoe Search

Can anyone explain to me why it is so hard for my children to find their shoes? Do shoes have that incredible power of self movement? Years and years of shoe searching has led me to believe that these critters are alive.

I am a tolerant mom, I don't spend hours nagging my children about putting their shoes in their closets (the most logical place for them) no I have made it deceptively easy for them. I placed a large basket by the front door. When they come in and take off their shoes (which they are going to do) instead of dropping them along the way to their rooms, a la Hansel and Gretel, drop them in the basket. That way they are both right there. No effort, no mad screaming five minutes before leaving that they can't find their shoes. No accusations of theft. Yes, dear I love this daily, hourly, minutely ritual so much I hide your shoes from you. I find it promotes the parent child bonding. And yet even this escapes them.

I am not sure how many times we have searched for that missing shoe. An alternate pair of shoes is never acceptable, they must have that one. Of course when they are asked the night before do you have everything ready and they say yes.. that really means, yeah sure mom, i am completely ready to wait until the last possible moment, rant and rave, decide I am not going, burst into tears and then wait for you to find them.

The question I am sure you are asking is why do I bother looking, let them suffer the consequences.... hello.. teenagers here.. do you really think I want them in the house for any extended length of time blaming me for why they cant go?

But seriously if on your daily wanders you see the one shoe in the middle of the road, wonder know more.. it belongs here,please feel free to send it home.

American Beauties

Raising daughters is both a wonderful gift and an incredible responsibility. Teenage girls today have so many issues to deal with. Aside from the ones we dealt with, they have to handle sex, drugs, body image and a myriad of other issues that may have touched our lives back in the day, but run theirs.

I watch with pride as my daughters wander the halls of their high school, both are honor students, in band and on the swim team and that is where the similarities stop. My oldest daughter, Frankie, is beautiful, talented and in your face. She is the first to fight for whats right, the one to stand up for what she believes in, the only problem is, is so often after the battle is won she is walking away alone. She is the first to befriend people, she doesn't even understand how important she is to the dynamics of her group. She is the heart, the one who brings people together and yet often once they find each other she is left out looking in. This devastates her she would never just randomly throw someone over like that. Frankie has a tough shell and a tender heart. She is an honor student, a varsity swimmer and if she wanted to be could be an excellent musician but she sees herself as not as pretty, not as thin, not as talented as all the rest. This grieves me so... when Frankie was 3 years old she decided she wanted to learn how to ride her bike with no training wheels. I being the obliging mom that I am removed the wheels and stood behind her. Ready to hold her up as she went.. she looked up at me all serious with these powerful green eyes and said.. "no mommy i can do it myself". The next day we took a 3 mile bike ride.. she was on her way. It bothers me that, that determined little girl has let others dictate who she is. She questions her looks and yet she has a smile that can light up a room. Powerful and beautiful. Dangerous.

While Frankie is bluster and determination... mixed with a bit of self doubt, Remi is cool, breezy, California Girl, who just happens to live in the Midwest. She has been blessed with what society claims are good looks. She is charming and sweet, an honor student and a striving tuba player. Having been handed what society dictates as everything, she has spent many years just being the cute one. She played her looks naturally for years. While Frankie determined at three that she would ride her bike, Remi at 5 still hadn't done much more than sit on hers. When I asked her if she was ever going to learn how to ride that thing... she looked up at me with beguiling blue eyes all a wonder.. and said "No, mommy I look good just sitting on it". Needless to say she was riding that bike the next day, well sort of. Remi has never had to question her looks, she has always had to deal with the fact that others question her intelligence. She is probably my smartest child, while Frankie gets ahead in persistence, Remi does it naturally. She has a thirsty mind always wanting to know.. and wonders around saying things like "quantum physics sounds rather interesting". Beautiful, generous and smart and yet she too has to wonder where and how she fits in.

Both of my girls have remarkable strengths and character and yet each flounder in finding themselves in today's society. There is something wrong with a world that makes girls such as these feel inferior in any way and yet they both struggle in their own ways. Remi has been seated in a class with the children who need assistance.. not to help them but because the teacher made the assumption that my daughter was not quite bright enough to figure it out. The idiot still better stay out of my path. Frankie is forever passed over as though she was not girly enough. She is stunning and yet society says she is too heavy, she approaches things head on and yet society says girls should keep their mouths shut. And it still says that.

These girls every day have to deal in a world where it is not safe for them to walk alone anywhere, they carry ridiculously difficult schedules. participate in sports and look pretty when they do it. Oh and act stupid so no one makes fun of them for being smart and to top it all off they get to be looked down on by kids that have been decreed cool, who are not as smart, or as talented or as pretty... and yet everyday they get up with smiles on their faces and dream of what they will be doing.

It is difficult to guide them, to know when to listen and when to speak, to understand that I hate you mom really means but mom Johnny didn't ask me out. For each thing a parent gets right she gets 100 wrong and yet I can't imagine ever not having this. These wonderful gifts I have been given. These beacons into the world I hope eventually they come into their own and are strong, beautiful, independent women, looking at me in the rear view mirror. Then I will know I did good.

The Women Who Formed Me.. Grandma

Throughout my life I have been blessed to be surrounded by some of the most amazing women in the world. They were mother, sister, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, teachers, girl scout leaders, friends and sometimes even a bit of an enemy. They were strong, creative, opinionated, wicked, willful, arrogant, smart, funny, quirky, talented and just plain amazing.

I mentioned my grandma in a previous post, this woman was truly amazing, brilliant and oh so far ahead of her time. She spoke with me when I was a child but never did she treat me as one. Rather as a woman whom she already had enormous expectations for. As a child I didn't quite understand that and often felt that something inside me was missing. It wasn't and she didn't feel that way. She just expected me to be all that I could be. She wanted me to be strong, and brave, a leader among men.. better yet a leader among women. She in all her wonder helped to make me who I am.

Now don't get me wrong, this woman was not perfect she was eclectic. She had opinions and didn't worry about expressing them. As a child I remember she would put her phone in the refrigerator so she couldn't hear it and the family would eventually worry enough to come check on her. The thought of actually initiating the call was beyond her. She could be petty and just a tad manipulative but she never faltered from her convictions. And she expected that you never would either.

I spent much of my free time with her and yet most of my memories are of doing.. she was not the type of grandma that one would expect to cook brownies for them. In all honesty I don't ever remember her cooking anything. As a matter of fact one time I asked her to show me how to bake a cake (I was about 8 or 9). She looked at me very carefully handed me a box of cake mix and said "if you can read you can cook" and then she left the room. Another time I asked if she could teach me how to make orange juice, now my grandma had two gorgeous fruit bearing orange trees in her back yard, once again she looked down her nose and gave me that oh so regal look that only she could manage... handed me a can of frozen orange juice and said "if you can read... you can make orange juice" obviously she was big on reading.

When I was very small she would make all of my dresses, up into at least first grade maybe second. These were simple ordinary dresses but her coupe de gras was she would take the material over to the van's (yes we had a van's shoe factory in my hometown) factory and have a pair of gym shoes made to match. How cool was that. She often attended us on our weekend jaunts to the nearby mountains and one of my favorite pictures of her is of her flying down the hill in an innertube. No One Else's grandma did that.

As I got older (ok 8) she needed a traveling companion.. this started several years of trips, Hawaii, the west coast, the east coast. Each would be a 3 week to a month adventure. I discovered the beauty of Hawaii, the amazing history of our country and the true beauty of the pacific northwest. All because grandma needed a traveling partner. Yes I was spoiled.

But to whom much is given, much is expected. I was and am an emotional being, rather thin skinned and easily hurt. She saw that as a failing.. expecting me to buck up, be strong, don't let my feelings show. She was a tough old broad and she expected that of all the women around her. and God forbid you ever say I can't. She would raise herself up to her formidable height (I say almost 6' but the family says more like 5'8" but I feel mine is better for the stories sake), so she would pull herself up to her full almost 6 feet of height, look down that aristocratic nose and say "You are an American and the last four letters of American spell I CAN". needless to say as a child one would think that was hokey but it was pretty cool.

As you can tell this woman was an amazing gift to those of us who knew her. I am sure I will be revisiting her often but for now that is it.

Be Well All

Tuba Girl

So my youngest plays the tuba.. well so does my oldest but that is an entirely different story. We all knew tuba players back in the day and I am sure the ones you knew were just as odd as the ones I knew. I should know I dated not one but two tuba players. I wonder what that says about me? Oh well back on track.

Now please understand as I tell you this story, my daughter is a clever intelligent girl with a wonderful thirsty mind.. but she is such a blond! One evening this fall after band practice she came home limping.. now being the fond and caring parent that I am I pretty much ignored it. She is after all a bit of a hypochondriac. The next morning upon waking I heard her asking her sister and brother where the trainer's office was? Listening to the squabbling that accompanied the question and answer I failed to even wonder why she would want to know. That night I was at a choir boosters meeting and upon walking out of the room I saw Rem, standing there waiting to go in for swing choir. Observant mother that I am, I noticed right off she was on crutches. Dumbfounded I asked her why she was on them. Seems she had pulled a ligament in her knee, it was swollen to almost twice the size of her other one!!

Now here's what happened.. I kid you not.

During Marching Band practice the previous evening she had been doing her routine, following all directions, behaving, in general just getting the work done. When suddenly a gust of wind came and lifted her sousaphone right off her shoulder, causing her to loose her balance and fall. Now I know as a parent I am supposed to show concern but really I get to be the proud parent of the first person in history to get a TUBA injury. How can any parent even remotely keep a straight face? Now don't get me wrong it was a real injury and took a few weeks to heal properly but every time i think of it i have to laugh. Remember I have two tuba players in house and dated two more.. one would think I had seen it all. Laffin maybe now I have.

Enjoy your day all

Each Day Something New To Deal With

Every day when I wake up I wonder if today will be the day when I can get out of the fiasco I have arrived in. Over the past few months we have been living in a hotel. Now initially this was to be a short term prospect I had a place lined up to move to all I had to do was wait for my income taxes to get in. Now my taxes would have been more than enough to get us settled. Of course for the first time ever there was a problem with my taxes. And here it is 9 months later and I am still waiting. The government says that there is no problem they are in process. I have even filed a claim but to no avail. It has of course driven me to the point of insanity. While living here I have paid what would amount to two years rent elsewhere, not to mention storage for all of my belongings. This of course leaves us short for everything else.

Now I am not complaining because my own choices brought me here, but some days I just want to scream. The cabin fever crawls through all of us and leaves us just biting each others heads off. I worry so about the damage I am causing my kids. Oh I know they are still better off than many. They live in the town they grew up in, attend the high school with all of their friends and are able to participate in almost all of the activities that they want to. And I know that they will survive this but I do wonder if I will.

As a parent we want to give our children everything and if we can't do that we want to give them at least the security of having a home to call their own with their things around them. I know when things are going good I tend to give them more than I should and yet it doesn't change the fact that I am living in hope that I can once again give them all I can. What bothers me the most is the fact that they resent my choices. I have pretty much sacrificed everything for them and my reward is angry sullen teenagers. Or at least towards me, with the assumption that I do not do anything to help out or get things accomplished. This too is very frustrating for me, especially since I have given them so much over the years.

Not that they don't help out, they do. JR offers what he can from his paycheck but is working hard at school and finally has his priorities straight. Cori spent most of his summer earnings helping out as he could and Frankie used her earnings to help out and yet pay for her own school needs. So while I mumble and get angry I appreciate all that they have done. Which of course makes the anger and the cabin fever harder and harder to deal with.

Will we survive? of course, and with a strong family unit intact but in the meantime I worry. About everything.