Beginning Over

It has been so long since I posted a blog, I am going to once again consider this beginning over. There is so much to say and so little time spent on saying it. I am not sure of the direction of this particular blog.. I am thinking to keep it at my rambling best.. just a catchall of things I think and feel..d

I have already committed to writing my Juggling Teens blog on a regular basis and plan on getting back to my Shauni's Dreams that come.. Along with that I think I am going to work on a blog about my faith.. A day to day journal on my walk with Jesus.. I am not good at that.. I tend to hide my light.. keep it a a low flame hidden with in the recess of my self.. I think it is time to light the bonfire and let my light SHINE!!

I also have one more blog I am considering.. this one will be a step towards insanity.. I am going to start a blog strictly for reviewing and discussing the books I love.. I have some friends who are going to work with me and get this show on the road.. Initially, we will be working with blogspot because it just makes sense to use it to get it on it's feet.. but eventually... well again.. we shall see..

My life has never lacked ideas.. but focus and direction. I am hoping that with some prayer (ok, lots and lots of prayer) God will provide both the focus and the direction.

Oh yeah.. I am gonna be playing with the new website stuff but am not sure what I am doing so bare with me for a bit...

Struggling to Be

These last couple of months have been very very hard on me. It seems that I have become just a bit adicted to the computer and I have been suffering very major withdrawel. It is hard to accept that you have put so much of yourself into interacting with others only online. In a way it is safer as you can project the image you want and hide from any hurtful insights from those in your life. I admit that has a very tempting aspect to it but it seems in the end you just come out lonlier and worse.. more alone..

I have always been the type of person that draws energy into myself from a crowd, have been considered the life of the party (in a good positive way not the slam back a drink, lets have sex kinda way). I treasure my relationships with others and enjoy spending time with friends but for some reason my stint in Illinois (25 years now) has turned me into a recluse, afraid to interact with people and holding myselff back. Just recently I have been attempting to rectify that behavior. I have been making an effort to get to know others and have fun with women my age it just seems that I have to constantly force my way into the group. It is painful. I am not sure what is causing this, I used to be kind and considerate always ready to lend a helping hand but slowly over time I have become the one who constantly needs help. I think in ways I am considered more of a charity case than a friend. I mean, if someone wants to do something nice for another person, I am always the one people think of. These are good decent people who just want to help out... but I don't get invited to the show or the fair or shoot even the bingo game.. I am just left hanging while all the other moms go out and have fun and interact. I am not sure how to change this, not sure if I even can at this point but I know I am just tired of hurting..

Now I could say it is a stage, it is something that just happens but somehow it has become a way of life and personally I hate it!! I am the woman who does.. who is.. not the one who sits around and waits.. I have spent my life giving back, teaching my children to give back. I learned to stand on my own two feet at the age of two and rarely looked back. I have been proud of the accomplishments I made on my own.. yet it seems lately I am forever needing advice, suggestions and help. I have just about had enough... somehow I have to find me again. Find the woman who knows that there is so much out there to give.. not the one who is always top of the list to be given to..

Back on Track FINALLY

Sorry folks the past month or so has been horrid, first I had just a major case of the blues, I was blogged out and feeling pressured to write.. I mean how silly is that? There was no one standing there pushing my buttons but I had put such expectations on myself I was feeling like a failure because I could not keep up with the 5 blogs that I normally write. So I stopped writing in any of them. That was a harsh choice but it was a good one.

BUT... I finally had the ground back under me.. was feeling secure had a notebook and I mean a note book of ideas on what to write on and what happens? My computer crashed. Not a dainty oops give me some time and I can fix it crash but a serious plan the funeral, lower the flag, play taps kinda crash!!! So I have been off the puter for the past two and half weeks because of that. I have decided that regular trips to the library are going to have to help me out for a bit. So while I will not have daily blogs I will have regular ones and I will be able to once again visit all the dear and wonderful friends I have made through my blogs..

Thanks for your patience and support..