As you may know, I have been writing the past few weeks about me.. really all about me and my feelings and the way I have shoved parts of me aside for way to long.. and frankly, it's beginning to bore me. I know if I feel that way.. how must anyone else reading these posts feel?
The thing is I need to say some of the stuff, I need to let it go.. but all this whining, poor me stuff.. yeah, that's so for the birds.
The truth is, I have had a pretty good life. My childhood wasn't perfect, my parents were flawed and made mistakes (I of course have never made a parental mistake). But as imperfect as it was.. It was awfully good.. I traveled, I played sports, I went to camp (because I wanted to.. I wasn't shipped off to get rid of me.. ok maybe I was for a week but it was a blast LOL), I was active in scouts and school. Shoot I even went to private protestant High School because I wanted to.. Yep my non believer parents forked out a monthly tuition so I could go to private school! And most importantly of all, I was loved.
I had a large extended family that I adored being a part of.. I always felt a little like that square peg.. but that's on me.. If I didn't quite fit, that's ok, they still loved, odd, loud, brash little ole me. I wasn't a perfect child.. they weren't perfect people.. we all just were.. and are.
So.. how did I get so messed up? I had all that going for me.. Oh did I mention I grew up in Southern California? 30-45 minutes from the ocean, 1 1/2 hours from the mountains, 20 minutes (in heavy traffic) from Disneyland, 10 from Knott's Berry Farm.. yeah, life was tough.. now back to the question.. How did I get so messed up? Somewhere I stopped believing in me.. I started letting everyone else, no matter how good intended, shape me. In doing that I lost all of me.. So I want to blame the entire world for who I am.. yeah.. not gonna wash..
In losing myself and letting others define me I came across as week and useless.. ever feeding the negative impression of myself. If I couldn't stand up for myself of course someone else was going to make decisions.. Taking that power back is hard.. Why? Because after 50 years.. people get into habits.. now my struggles seem like a spoiled child lashing out.. I'm not really!! I know I have had it pretty darn good.
But for now.. maybe I need to have it not so good.. Maybe I need to struggle on my own.. ok, did that while raising the kids.. but maybe I need to let go of the harsh control on my emotions.. my true strength has always been my ability to feel.. So now I need to allow myself to do that again. Stop thinking being "too sensitive" is bad.. I am sensitive, not too sensitive.. sensitive!! It's who I am!! Deal with it! I am!
Shauni
This post was written with a smile.. no stupid emo stuff today!!
It has been a hard couple of months for me. I knew it was time to move on, time to live life for a different purpose but I had no clue how to do it. I was lost in the doldrums and no Tock (Phantom Tollbooth reference)
to help me out. I dreamed these huge dreams but couldn't get my feet to start on the path. I know that dreams do not come true because you make a wish in a fountain, but because you work hard every day to make them so. Unfortunately, I didn't have the energy to work to make my dreams come true.. I had spent too many years just surviving and making sure that my kids dreams stood a chance.
So now, there I was, 50 and on the precipice. I needed to move forward but for a solid year I stagnated... did nothing..worse I slipped back into despair. Fortunately I had friends who helped me. But that was a stop gap measure at best. I needed more.. A kick in the pants, maybe.. but that was ever available to me. No what I needed was a chance to allow the dream. A Chance to become me, not the person I had spent a lifetime being.
I have no regrets on the choices I made.. sure better choices would have made for an easier life but mine made for fabulous kids. Strong, independent, unique individuals who fight their own battles and slay their own dragons.. So those choices were right for then.. for now, not so much. Now I need to find my own dragons.. and for me, it's not to slay them but to enjoy them.
Once a long time ago my mom commented on how non of her children dreamed of anything.. She had spent a lifetime of dreaming of going somewhere, wait everywhere.. of seeing the world. Those were her dreams. What she never understood was that just because we didn't have her dreams didn't mean we didn't have dreams. My dreams were different. Sure I want to go everywhere see everything.. but me on a plane, train or automobile and I am a happy camper.. But my dreams my true dreams are different. I dream of places others don't see. I dream of dragons and warriors, of mysterious worlds and secret gardens.. I dream of rolling hills of grass that can only be accessed by climbing down a secret ladder at the base of my Grandma's avocado tree..
Those dreams need to be discovered.. and shared. So I will be spending some times sharing them. Yes, I am going to attempt to tell the stories that have been living in my head for decades. To share my world with those around me. To explain my dreams.. Scary thought but it's so going to happen!!
Fortunately, my cousin and his wife have opened their home to me and offered me a chance to get my dreams under control.. what a gift I never thought I would have.
So for a while you will be hearing about some interesting combinations.. I might be talking about site seeing around Pittsburgh OR.. I might be talking about flying Dragons.. who knows which will seem more real..
Shauni
