Just Upset

It seems I see things differently than others.. See when I make a commitment I keep it. I follow through with my promises and even when it hurts and it does hurt I try and put others before myself.

Recently, I have seen this in action... I saw a circumstance where I created something and made sure I put other people ahead of me in the billing. Then when it came down to showcasing our talents, I let others take my favorites.. but when it came time to return the favor, nope it didn't happen. And yet I am the selfish one.. I am the one "in competition".. yeah feed that line...


I guess, I am angry, hurt, upset.. That dropping in the pit of my stomache curl up and cry feeling. I am tired of being the whipping boy.. tired of once again being used and betrayed. I am tired of accepting responsibility for my actions and never hearing others do the same. If someone walked up it would be hey it's obviously all Shauni's fault, you blame her, she says she was wrong.. you must be freakin perfect a total saint to put up with such a flawed person. Maybe I should just shun Shauni and fall at your feet... yeah.. that is what you would be lead to believe. I HATE that.. I hate that I feel remorse yet others don't. I HATE that I am able to believe in the innate goodness of people over and over and over again!! and yet.. if I didn't I would not be me..

That being said.. I will get grief for daring to voice my opinion.. but if I don't voice it.. I crack..

Deja Vous All Over Again

Ever feel like Bill Murray? Not like in Ghostbusters or Caddy Shack but like in groundhog's day.. where everything just keeps repeating itself over and over and over again.. yeah, me too..

A couple of years ago I was really active in a site.. I mean totally active.. I had met a bunch of people on another site and we sorta left and created a new one. We stayed involved on the old site but the new one took all of our focus.

I was especially involved in getting people involved and working with them.. teaching them how things worked.. I worked on creating an entire world.. all the while I was also writing, wait for it, SIX blogs.. I was in heaven.. busy, active and respected..

THEN... it all fell apart.. well at least for me.. suddenly I was odd man out and the very people I had taught were pushing me out and replacing me.. it was heartbreaking.. it totally devastated me..

I even got a phone call from one of my friends that totally ripped me a new one.. to this day I am not sure that I had actually done anything wrong.. but it was easier to blame me than to look into themselves.. you know the best defense and all that.. and me being the person I am, accepted it.. took it lying down, rolled over and gave up..

If you will note my blog history you will see a total drop in posts for well over a year.. yeah, that was the worst part.. whatever was said and I won't repeat it here, but what was said destroyed my confidence and ruined my joy in simply blogging.. I kept meaning to go back but never did.. until recently about three months ago when a lot of great things were happening for me..

Then, like all things in my life.. it crashed.. and yes it hurt.. deeply, devestatingly.. I wanted to curl up and cry for days.. I didn't, I found a way to release my anger and resentment and see it for the good it was or could be.. but still that insidious doubt lingers.. I find myself wanting to get away from everything.. to escape..

And that is the gist of this post.. I got hurt..boo hoo.. so I am going to let others dictate how I run my life? How I post my blogs? How I go on? I am going to let something out of my control stop me? I am hoping that this time.. I get it right.. That I act with grace and dignity.. words rarely applied to me.. and see this for all the good things that could come of it..

I have decided to not live in this circular manner anymore and am breaking the cycle.. How? Well, I absolutely refuse to run off and quit blogging.. nope I am going to focus on my blogs and give them the attention they deserve all SIX of them.. *grins* I guess some things really do never change..

Shauni

Dealing with Change

Do you ever see a train wreck coming and not know how to stop it? Do you ever come up with an awesome idea, bring people together for the idea then suddenly see yourself as odd man out? Yeah, story of my life..

Over the years of my life, I have had this tendency to want things soooo badly I ruin them. I would seriously love to blame just about everyone else in my life but realistically it has to be me. It is a total character flaw I have. I just want soooo badly that I screw things up with my intensity.

My latest endeavor my pride project just imploded.. not the project itself but the partnership that made it great.. I want to rant and rail and say hey they were mean to me.. sadly, it's not true.. I wanted too much was too intense and too controlling.. and once again I am odd man out..

I hurt.. badly... life will go on and things will get better or worse.. depending on how it is supposed to be I just wish I knew how to stop the train wrecks.. before they happen.. or shoot stop the actions which cause the darn things..

In a way this splinter of partners is a good thing.. I just wish it wouldn't have cost me friends.. and worse.. it seems not only did I loose my partner/friends but am the odd man out in the divorce and they got all the other friends..

I hurt.. deeply.. and again.. I am not blaming anyone but myself but I hurt..