Just A Note to Self

Had another stab today.. So I wanted to remind myself to let go.. and continue healing..

It's a great concept but really hard when the past slaps you in the rear.. when you miss what was and know that there is no way you can ever in any healthy way go back.  And honestly, don't ever want to but still when you see links formed because of you and you are outside looking in.. it is hard...

I don't let go well.. I don't let go of my friends.. I hold them in my heart for a long time after they have moved on. It is a hard part of me and one that I have to accept. I have to accept this fact of my life because after 50plus years it isn't going to change...

As hard as it is for me to let go of friends it is equally hard for me to let go of grievances.. yeah, I hold a grudge.. usually against friends who hurt me.. don't worry I hold grudges against myself too.. either way it's not a healthy place to be. I don't see myself changing at this point but I am working on accepting this fact about myself and moving forward.

To that end.. I am going to force myself to let go.. I forgive you.. now maybe I won't get so upset everytime I stumble upon your name.

Shauni

Dealing with Emotions

A long time ago I learned the truth about emotions. They are not right or wrong, they just ARE.. Feelings are real and they need to be dealt with by the feeler (feelee?) not by the hords of people who assume they know what they are or how to handle them. Yes there are professionals who have been educated and if used properly can help you, the feelee, deal with them. BUT they can not deal with them for you. And if they do their jobs properly they will not tell you how to deal with them.

The thing about emotions is that if you have them (or admit to having them) someone is going to tell you, you are wrong to have them. Having an emotion, even a negative one is not necessarily a bad thing. It's how you deal with them. If you by chance vent on your own personal blog about having an emotion and how it affects you and where you think it came from is not a bad thing. And accepting that there will be those who want to tell you to get over it, or ignore it or blame yourself is one of the realities of doing so. Sure you want everyone to say hey life is good, you are wonderful and of course you are right.. but that would be wrong.

See emotions just ARE.. you can not change the fact that you feel and sometimes feel deeply. You can of course try and ignore them, pretend that you don't feel. That is not the way to deal with them, that is the way to watch yourself eventually crash and burn. Suppressing emotion destroys and yet if asked most people would suggest just that. Suck it up, get over it, you are too emotional, it's really your fault and you are feeling guilty.. you smile too much, you must be faking it.. blah blah blah..

What one must learn to do is accept their feelings and emotions, allow that there will be times you have to express them in one way or another and consider the least hurtful way of doing so.. then consider yourself first.. Take into account what is the best way to deal with your emotion and don't let anyone or anything take that away from you.

Have courage.. face yourself squarely and deal with your emotions.. know that voicing them will attract detractors, that someone will feel the need to point out your faults.. and that's ok, they may just be right and then again they may not have a single clue of which you speak.. but need to voice their feelings.. and that's ok too. Because after all Feelings just ARE.. they are not right or wrong it's the way you deal with them that matters.

Standing in your own space and venting is not bad.. hurling accusations at someone with the intent of being hurtful is. Of course when you vent there will always be those who apply your feelings as accusations and need to take umbrage.. gather their troops and shoot their slings and arrows.. that is a price you will have to pay.

Don't be afraid to feel, don't let those who don't understand control your feelings. I spent a lifetime believing that there was something wrong with me because I felt, deeply. I was TOO emotional.. except that is the way God made me so it couldn't be bad.. I had to learn first how to deal with my emotions and feelings and second to accept that there were those who would always and I mean always try to control them. That is not my problem, that would be theirs. I can not control their feelings, that is not my job in life.. nor can they control mine unless I allow them to.

All that being said, I am who I am and I have learned that those who love me always will and those who don't never did. I also need to remind myself that I have absolutely no reason to judge anyone else's feelings. I am flawed, I am not perfect and yet most of the time I can look at myself in the mirror and the other times, well those I am still working on.

Shauni

Saying Goodbye

I have a friend who really loves the Friends for a Season Poem, she completely believes that we have 

Friends for a Reason

Friends for a Season

And Friends for a Lifetime

and I find I agree with her. It makes so many things so very much easier to bear...

Friends for a Reason are just that.. Friends for a Reason, you have a need that needs be fulfilled.. a Lesson to learn, They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Friends for a Season..Come into your life for a brief time,  because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

Friends for a Lifetime, those are rare and precious pearls. I find I am blessed to have several such friends.. people I know I can lean on, I can turn to, I can be away from them for years and then when we reconnect feel like we just spoke yesterday. I treasure  these women so very much. I can not believe I have friendships that have lasted for over 40 years..  I plan on keeping them for years and years and years..

Recently, a friends for a reason friendship ended and yes it ended badly. But I am grateful for the times we spent laughing, goofing off and enjoying late night Saturdays.. I will miss them but it is time to move on. To be grateful for the lesson learned, to let go of any resentment or bitterness and to accept that they have other lessons to learn.. I wish them well but in all honesty, waving goodbye to the friendship is a burden lifted.. Time to move on..

I Can't Believe it is Almost Over

I am sitting here looking at the clock and I realize I have to return to the real world in less than 12 hours. I am thinking I may just not go.. yep gonna hang out here and just have me some more fun!!

Have you ever in your life met people that just get you? That are such an important part of you that you can sit and laugh for hours at nothing? Honestly we laughed at everything.. and the laughing continues.

This morning we were up at the crack of dawn because I in all my insanity mentioned to my one friend that hey they have a 7am whale watching trip on Saturdays... guess when we went? Now do not get me wrong it was way cool, we saw a pair of humpbacks.. we had the opportunity to follow them for almost 2hours (and yes I got pictures they will be posted when I get home). The best part was, as fun as this was.. as cool as it is.. you know what made us laugh? We got seasick... hello?? loosing your breakfast over the side of a boat is not what I would call a funny story but we laughed.. oh how we laughed..

Tonight we played monopoly.. is it me or did the game just become more fun? Monopoly with good friends becomes a total and complete insane adventure.. an endless amount of hilarity ensued..

This trip was not so much as what we saw but rather who we saw it with. I honestly believe we could have sat and watched snow melt and have had just as much fun... I had forgotten what it was like to just simply laugh because you are with friends..

A suggestion... if you can escape real life for a few and spend time with those you truly like... not the ones you love, parents, kids, siblings (unless they are the ones you adore) but the ones who bring you great joy. Give yourself those precious moments.. as often as you can because folks life is hard enough as it is..

Keeping it a Secret!!

Just between you me and the fencepost I am off on an adventure and having the grandest time. To honestly appreciate this you have to realize what a completely devoted parent I am (ok poor but devoted sounds better). In the almost 21 years that I have been a parent I have left my children a total of (including this trip) 18 days. Now we can all do the math but since I have a calculator handy I will do it, but that is a total of .8571 days of vacation per year. AHHH Motherhood, the carreer choice for the terminally insane. AND on every other trip away from my kids it was about going home.. So while it was pleasant it was still fraught with it;s own share of stress.

This trip is about me me me me me.. Actually it was a gift! I can not afford such a thing, can not even envision taking a trip to anywere (sheesh the mall would look exciting to me these days) so to have this dropped in my lap was an amazing event. I will not go into detail as to the hows and whyfores we can just say something about frequent flyer miles and gift cards that were expiring... however it worked out I am sitting in a bed and breakfast in Monterey waiting to begin my day..

Friends are on their way down to meet us and we are going to explore our surrondings. Tonight there will be pictures! I am having a bit of guilt (not in leaving the children) as I am so close to home and not gonna call. That was appeased a little when I found out that my loving maternal parent was off galivanting on her own..

Anyway see you all soon

May be Absent for a Few

Hello loyal readers!! I just love saying that.. anyway I may be absent for a few days as I am off galvanting with a friend.. I know there will be internet access but who knows if I am going to even remotely have the time to write..

But, I hope so because I am sure there will be plenty of fun and exciting things to talk about.

Today, my girlfriend flew in from Philly and we spent the day downtown Chicago. I swear that city is one of the coolest cities there is.. it is alive and fascinating and fun and it has the greatest skyline. We just chatted and shopped and ate but it was a blast.

She managed to call home using the worlds largest cell phone.. too funny..anywa I am doing laundry so can't chat for long.. just wanted to make a post then finish my laundry and packing then crash out.. 9 am flight tomorrow..

LIfe's Been A Bit Interesting

So my life has been rather interesting of late and then one could almost say it is just the norm.. my life is always interesting (yeah, if interesting means chaotic, crazed and out of control). But this week it has been good interesting.

My friend, my best of friends who was in the hospital with a heart attack FINALLY came home. Yes, after four long weeks he is home and recovering. It is difficult to imagine the anguish his attack has been on his loved ones but last night I heard his girl laugh. Really and truly laugh. These days we somehow think of heart attacks as almost blase.. that you go in get fixed and poof.. but no, they can take a long time to heal. The good news is, he will.

Another friend, the amazing Vonnie, has decided to follow me into the land of blogging. I have warned her, she is insane and will quickly succumb to blog withdrawals when not blogging but she valiantly ventured forth. As we all do she is going to be stumbling and fumbling to make her way into this wild world we cal blogging but please all, go on and give her a visit.. Now of course being a friend of mine overachieving being in the blood. She has not one, not two but THREE blogs.. but here they are.. Welcome Walmart Shoppers , The Fashionable Wench , My Crazy Life As I said she is insane but she has a great heart and could use the friends..

And finally rumor has it I am actually going to be receiving a check tomorrow.. So that would be last weeks,child support check if i happen to get this weeks as well I am so going glasses shopping. I completely broke mine and desperately need a new pair..

Oh well, have a fabulous day all