Just A Note to Self

Had another stab today.. So I wanted to remind myself to let go.. and continue healing..

It's a great concept but really hard when the past slaps you in the rear.. when you miss what was and know that there is no way you can ever in any healthy way go back.  And honestly, don't ever want to but still when you see links formed because of you and you are outside looking in.. it is hard...

I don't let go well.. I don't let go of my friends.. I hold them in my heart for a long time after they have moved on. It is a hard part of me and one that I have to accept. I have to accept this fact of my life because after 50plus years it isn't going to change...

As hard as it is for me to let go of friends it is equally hard for me to let go of grievances.. yeah, I hold a grudge.. usually against friends who hurt me.. don't worry I hold grudges against myself too.. either way it's not a healthy place to be. I don't see myself changing at this point but I am working on accepting this fact about myself and moving forward.

To that end.. I am going to force myself to let go.. I forgive you.. now maybe I won't get so upset everytime I stumble upon your name.

Shauni

Rage is an Interesting Thing

A little less than a year ago I was stabbed most brilliantly in the back by a couple of people I had mistakenly considered friends. I am one of those people open to such behavior because, really I would never do such a thing to others. I tend to believe in people. That is who I am. I give of myself whole heartedly and assume that others do as well. While I am far from perfect I find I prefer my way of behaving than those who must by their very nature deceive.

After much angst on this betrayal, I tried my best to let it go and it seems I do for long periods of time. Sadly, that is where the rage comes in. I will see something that reminds me of their perfidy..and I get lost momentarily in my rage. I don't strike out, I don't yell, I don't even accuse.. I just feel the rage swirling inside and for a moment I honestly hate.

The circumstances that bring about such feelings usually comes from something that continues the betrayal. I know it would be healthier for me to let it go, to forget. Honestly, I find it easy to accept an apology, to forgive if the apology is made.. if forgiveness is sought. Sadly, those that betray usually don't see that they were in the wrong. They don't recognize the damage they did and they would stand firm in their belief that I at best deserved what I got, at worst....

I am constantly amazed when I see these self same people approving completely things they insisted were not valid when I did them. Things they insisted I not do.. it irks me no end when I see them taking my ideas, thoughts, beliefs and using them for their own purpose and glory. I find myself resenting them and then I get angry because they still have the power to hurt me. To bring me momentarily to my knees. It angers me that I can not take that power from them. I advise those I know to let it go, to not let such actions work and yet they do..

And yet, I am eventually able to stand up and walk away from the debilitating anger they caused me.. the insidious rage that slinks within and insists upon my time. I know I am stronger for it, I know with each attack I am able to let go a little more of the power that they have stolen. Someday such behavior will be rewarded.. both mine to finally let it go and theirs for well being them.